Day 28 well it is six am, ive been up since five, as I left the house at about five fifteen, I was so filled with joy once again I could not stop crying, it is such an overwhelming feeling of happiness and just when I get it under control it smacks me in the face again, I think ive always been overemotional, but ive never believed this to be a curse, I believe it to be a gift, a blessing that allows me to have the compassion for others that I do. I can simply look at a stranger and see the happiness in their eyes and somehow that happiness pours into me. But this works both ways and when I see a stranger dealing with the agonies of life sometimes I have to look away so they don't see the tears boiling up in my eyes. It seems like all the hurt and despair that I see goes right through me and there doesn't seem to be enough good in the world to even it out. I am starting to realize that this range of emotions has played a big part in my daily drug use. you see for the longest time I thought something was wrong with me, don't know what, maybe mentally unstable. When I was growing up it sure as heck wasn't cool to cry or have compassion for the weak, it was cool to pick on them. So as a child I didn't live by how I felt, I lived by what got me accepted, and that's what ive been doing every since. Trying to hide from these emotions that make me who I am has brought nothing but self doubt and anxiety to my life for as long as I can remember, yesterday as I was thinking about this I thought I was going to ask all of you if there was something wrong with me but your answers won t change the fact that this is how I am and i love who I am today and wouldn't change one thing about any part of my life, I am right where I'm supposed to be and I will no longer fear being different, I am so lucky to be blessed with such compassion and love for others and it is this range of emotions that make me that way, how can that be wrong??i love you steven
Well I am at the park with my granddaughter, it is so nice, this calmness I feel, but i cannot help to think about this world we live in through clean eyes, I am realizing that even though I am clean now this world will use and take everything I allow it to from me. It is hard to stand up for yourself when you've done so much wrong, you feel so bad about yourself you automatically assume you're wrong even when your right. Ive come up with a solution for myself, living right, you see if I am living right, working as hard as I can and being honest and moral there is not one person that can look down on me or mistreat me, or take advantage of me, fair is fair, I know the difference, and if I let people use me or take advantage of me I open the door for more to come and believe me it will. Standing up for yourself is scary at first but the more you do it the better you feel and it gets easier every time. I am surprised how effective it is to pull someone aside and tell them how you feel let them know you have done nothing wrong and won't be treated like that without calling them out in front of everybody they will start treating you with more respect. I have drawn a line for myself, I will only let people in need take from me, the people that are not in need don't need to be taking anything from me, I won't have it. Well to me clean or not if you don't demand the respect you deserve there is always someone right there to knock you around. I believe this to be true.
I would like to comment on a couple of comments, I love you Aunt Paula. Jack I believe we are getting to know each other pretty good; I would really enjoy meeting you over a cup of coffee sometime in the future. K from sd, i am so glad that you see that these problems that I am fixing in my life apply to the general population, we all find some way to escape and really all were doing is missing out on a wonderful life that could be. To anonymous, I am so hoping that others will see this wonderful life that I am creating for myself and be inspired to do the same, maybe that relative you were talking about, if there is anyone else that is ready to be set free from the hell they are living, comment on my blog and we will get you set up with your own blog and support group, it works, I'm living proof. Rebecca, always nice to hear from you. Legacy, as always I am inspired by you. Life is freaken awesome James
Man Jimmy get me all teared up bro. I'm just a humble man tryin to get it straightened out like the rest of us. You and I go way back to Doirons shed, I am honored to be aside you on this path where we have come from, and I am determined to get where we are going and I will not let a soldier behind. I fight for the Army of God I am far from perfect but I refuse to let one fall and I am determined to lift one up.. I am once again honored my friend that our paths have been joined after 22 yrs. I got your back man if you ever need me I am here. God Bless you Jimmy!
ReplyDeleteDido, from the above comment, except it was George's fort and I have a different higher spirit. But I too am honored and blessed to have you in my life again! K in SD
ReplyDeleteYou are a good person Jimmy. You have always been a good person...one who made bad decisions you even admit that and got lost along the way. God loves you and you have people who love you, who have always loved you but it will take a while for them to trust you again. Every day is a step closer to that trust. Not everyone is your friend and sometimes it is better to let those who cannot support you go their own way. But don't be too hard on those "good" people who don't listen or understand you...it took you a long time to start down this road give them a chance to make sure you will stay on it.They will be sooooo happy everyday you post and will cheer every hurdle you overcome. I pray and ask God to stay beside you and help you every day.
ReplyDeleteYou find what you are looking for, look for the good. Each day make a list of the good you see, look for the kindness is a smile, a sweet moment with your granddaughter, look to the miracle of the sunrise the beauty of a sunset. Don't dwell on the sadness, be a part of what is good. You are on the right path, love and a hug, Sandra
ReplyDeleteA great post and it is awesome to see you embrace the good kind person you have always been. It is good to hear you are standing up for yourself, you should be proud of who you are and what you have done right in your life. I know you you have made some bad decisions --we all have, but you have done so much good in your life too --don't forget that. You have a lot of people out here rooting for you. I have spoken with people we worked with on the film and they are very excited to hear you are on this path. Love you. ~d
ReplyDeleteHi Jim, glad to hear you are standing up for yourself. That is called being "assertive", not always an easy thing to do. I am simply amazed at how similar we are in our personalities. I know exactly what you are saying about being compassionate. That truly is a gift because most people don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. Those are the people I have cut out of my life. I only surround myself with positive and loving friends. I am so happy you are clean and getting your life together. As always, I am amazed at your writings. I love you Jim. Love, Paula
ReplyDeleteJames, I've been away for a few days, but man, you're sounding healthier all the time! There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling compassion for other people! That is a God-like character quality! And I can't think of a more Biblical principle than calling someone aside when they have wronged you, and letting them know what's on your mind! This is evidence of a healthy self-respect and is something we all need. I would love to have a face to face conversation with you sometime. Still praying.
ReplyDeleteJack