Day 18

Today I am going to write a little bit more about my personal life. I'm gonna try real hard to word this properly, moral responsibility to others that have been close to me in my life. Today's blog is all about my personal growth, and by no means trashing or criticizing anyone else. It seems that I have craved love and acceptance so badly and for so long that I would do just about anything to get either one. This has pretty much only led to hurt and despair. It seems the desperation to please everyone else has caused me to set my own values and morals aside. I am no longer willing to do this. That does not mean I won't go of my way to care about people, it just means I will not compromise what I think is right to benefit others. That would definitely be a step in the wrong direction. If I do not believe in myself and live by those beliefs, I will never grow; just sit around questioning my every thought. Well I'm over it, I do know right from wrong and will not be swayed from my values. If this means I have to sever relationships, so be it that does not mean I do not care about those people, but I will not compromise my goals for a fight I can't win. Things like this are hard to do and hurt very much, but I truly believe that living through these pains are very healthy and will teach me a lot about how to love, and how to tell when someone is sharing their love with me. This is something I look forward to, a never ending monogamous relationship with someone that shares the same goals and values as I do, when I learn what they are. I know that it will be a while before I have this in my life but I also know I am headed in the right direction to make this hope a reality. Knowing this brings calmness to my mind that I have never experienced before. I feel that my self esteem is rising and the need to try and empress others is fading. These feelings of confidence are very new to me but I like them a lot. I think I can get used to liking myself.

As for the person that commented yesterday about where I live and what I do for work, I live in Chattanooga TN., I don't have a regular job, I work for several different people as I have not been responsible enough to run my own business. There is not much I don't know how to do, just about every phase of remodeling houses, and I am very good at foreseeing problems and eliminating them before they happen. I'm always thinking four steps ahead. I can wrench, landscape, do rockwork, and things I don't know how to do I am quick to learn. I've worked on four movies, and a music video. I very much enjoyed that life. On my cousin Dan's movie, I did so many different things I was in the credits three times. He actually put me in there under kick ass. I have a class a CDL, a pretty wide variety of jobs. I think my favorite working experiences have come from working on movies because you get so involved in what's going on, the outside world kind of ceased to exist and you become really close to everyone you are working with. When the movie is done, back to reality. As for what I'm doing right now it is very slow, and I am really not getting the gratification out of it that I want so; I am open to any opportunity that becomes available. I would really like to find something more gratifying. As for Chattanooga, I was told to move out of where I lived yesterday so I guess I'm homeless and unemployed. My daughter will look after me for a bit but I don't want to become a burden. I think because I am on the right path none of all this downhill stuff is stressing me at all. I wish that out of town job would've came through but I know that as long as I continue to make responsible decisions all will work out.

I feel good about where I am headed, and I feel even better about the fact that I am not ashamed of who I am. As I sit back and think about whom I am, I feel pride and confidence, it's freakin awesome! The idiot has left the building. James

P.S. I have revised my smoking dilemma, I will start reminding myself every day how nasty cigarettes are, and Wednesday I will drop to ten a day till Monday, then go to seven, once this is accomplished I will go from there, if you wish to join in please do. James

P.S.S.

I want all of you that have been following me to know that it is because of your compassion for life, that I am gaining the strength to make this dream a reality and today that is what it has become for me. I've gotten the best news that I've heard so far in this 18 day journey; a person that I have looked up to for a long time was chatting with me today, he's going through a bit of stuff in his life right now, & he told me he thought my blog was helping a lot of people I didn't even know about. Then he proceeded to tell me his goals to quit drinking, quit pills, and tobacco. Tears of joy are still running down my face. This new responsibility of setting an example and trying to inspire others to do the same has got to be one of the best feelings I have ever felt. Thank all of you for turning this dream to reality, and good luck to my friend, I will be here for you every night.