Day 14

I think last night was the best sleep I've had in the last 14 days. You know what that means; tomorrow I'm going to start the day cigarette free. I'm sick of smoking, feeling unhealthy, its gotta go. So it will be done. Let's get to the point of the day, for me anyway. I learned a lot about drug addiction and the damage our choices cause to others. I think we take our families for granted like there's some unwritten rule we can do whatever we want and they will remain in our lives as if we have done nothing at all. We expect it, like it's a given. I also think the farther we go into our addiction we depreciate, we think we are worth less and less, so why should anybody care about us? What does it matter to them if we get high? Well it does, there is a person in my life who to this day I would say is my best friend, that's a two way street and I haven't done any roadwork on my side in probably a decade, every once in a while I would stop slumming and pop up and he was always there for me. I think I have had some of the best times in my life when I'm around him. I cannot recall ever having any kind of conflict with him and I've known him since I was 11 or 12. I'm 41 now. Last night we were talking and I was on top of the world, as he has always been there before, once again he came through for me, I don't remember exactly how he put it but he let me know that he was tired of wondering all the time, is he clean? Is he in jail? Is he dead? I read his words and I felt like I was hit by a sledge hammer. Somehow I felt his pain in every letter of every word. I actually felt dizzy and had no response for him. I thought about it till I went to sleep and all day today, he is the first person that has ever said that to me. Two things acquired to me at the same time. I have damaged a ton of relationships with people that care about me, and there is no unwritten rule, not with family and especially not with friends, not even the ones you've had forever. And the other, although I may have depreciated, I am worth something. After all I have put everyone through; most of them still care about me. That doesn't mean that I am special, that means that I have special people in my life. I've got a ton of roadwork to do. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my progress, this knowledge makes me feel even better, you know who you are, thanks, and thanks to everyone else, I am reading your comments and taking them very seriously, no idiots around here, see ya tomorrow.