Day 21, good morning, I was going to start rereading where I left off on day twelve but last night I started feeling a little depressed. I slept on it, and in the morning realized that the euphoria of this new drug free life was wearing off. I woke up with feelings of self doubt, loneliness, and fear of the real world setting back in. I knew it couldn't be that easy; thankfully ive gained enough strength to recognize what was going on before I made any regrettable mistakes. I guess these are emotions people have to deal with every day, it's not that I haven't felt these feelings before, it's that ive never looked at them head on and dealt with them before. As a matter of fact, ive used these feelings my whole life as an excuse to get high, drunk, or both. The pressures of life are starting to set in, I was kinda thinking, when this whole thing started, get clean and it will all work itself out. That's not the case at all, I have to work it out, problems don't fix themselves, what was I thinking. I must have been way out there.
Well I believe I have found a solution for one of those feelings I felt this morning, self doubt. u see last night someone that has been special to me almost my whole life made a comment to me, nothing long and drawn out, a simple little comment. I may have even taken it the wrong way, but it kinda punched me in the face. I thought they were laughing at my blog and what I was trying to accomplish, I had a hard time going to sleep last night wandering if what I was trying to do was stupid and a waste of time, are other people laughing at me? My mind raced. When I woke up this morning I felt worse, wondering about a job, a place to live, and am I really alone, will it always be this way. WOW, too much at one time, so this morning I went to the starting problem and thought about a solution. I cannot let this fester. Two hours later I was on my way, I sat down and wrote that person a letter letting them know how much they meant to me and how what they said effected me. I thought about what has gotten me as far as I am and realized this is not stupid and if anybody thinks it is they must not care about me because this has brought me farther in my life than I have ever been. How can that be stupid? Know I wonder how I let something so small affect me so negatively. Its amazing how one comment, probably taken out of context almost sent me spinning downwards! The simple act of communication put me back on track, a lot easier to deal with than I had thought.
As for feeling alone, I know I'm not alone, ive got all of you, and I am rebuilding friendships that are becoming amazing to me, but I have always longed for that special relationship between a man and a woman, the comfort of someone being their just for me. The clearer my head gets the more I want it. I know it's not time yet but it's not something I can just not think about, so I will be patient. In time that aspect of my life will come,
As for work, today I picked up a month's worth so know worries there. I have a few more days before I need to worry about somewhere to live so the pressure doesn't exist for me right now. It seems I turned one little problem into four, I believe that's my old way of thinking so I had a reason to get high, not today. To me life feels much too good to let myself go backwards…. James
Great Job bro, I told you I see you running this race and breaking through hurdles and tarring down walls. One step at a time, I believe when I'm laying on my death bed I wanna look back and say I have no regrets I did the best I could from the point I woke up. Believe me I've been waiting a while for the whole woman thing and I know it will be worth the wait. No use trying to find something that could actually be unhealthy for you even though it seems like the solution. When it is time it will happen. Keep on being encouraged Jimmy you can do this bro. God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteIt pays to remind yourself to deal with things, one day at a time, one step at a time. Remember, the voices in your head will tend to exaggerate the problems. You have to argue with those voices. Don't just believe what they say. Things are seldom as bad as they seem. That's when I like to remind myself of 1 Corinthians 10:13 and Roman's 8:28. Look those verses up, if you don't know what they say.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the love of a woman is concerned, yeah, give yourself some time for sure! You're just twenty-one days into this recovery! If you got involved with someone right now, even if she was a good person, you'd tend to think of her as your savior. Not a good idea. First get to the point where you could truly live without a woman for the rest of your life if need be, and be comfortable in your own skin. Then perhaps, if the opportunity presents itself, you might consider pursuing such a relationship. I'm just being straight with you. You probably won't be ready for that for a good long while yet.
Blessings, on you, brother. Still praying.
You are doing a great job using your blog as a way to reflect on your journey, day by day. It seems like you have spent many years wishing someone else would hold you accountable, and now that you are doing it for yourself you are finding some real solutions. Mentioning little things like the lottery tickets - you don't need us to tell you that hard work is the only way. Keep up the effort that you are putting into yourself, it is the only way to achieve your goals.
ReplyDeleteJim - would it bother you to know that I read this every day and comment - but that you don't know me?
ReplyDelete