DAY 31

Day 31I have to say after all the good days ive been having yesterday started pretty rough, I thought it was the friendship of one person that got me through the day unscaved, a friend that I have not talked to for twenty eight years until I started this blog. I have to say in the last thirty days I have learned more about friendship and the commitment that goes with it than I have my whole life, I am able to squash chaos and bring calmness to my mind without even talking to this person, all I have to do is think of them and I realize that I have a friend in my life that cares about me, someone I can trust, someone that is not afraid to go out on a limb to keep me from falling, these new feelings of friendship give me the strength to move past those feelings of hopelessness and I am realizing that I am not worthless and some people do care about me. I can truly say that I love you k from sd, thank you. I thought it was only this friendship that got me through yesterday but this morning I realized several other people had their hands in it, my cousin Dan for planting that seed of walking alone, it seems there are days when we will walk alone and being prepared for it made it much more acceptable. My friend that has been constantly reminding me to be prepared for those bad days, and I was because of her. My boss for giving me the opportunity to race, he raced last night and I spent the evening at the track with him learning more about bracket racing. And the innocence of my granddaughter, I took her to the racetrack with me, I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart to answer all her silly little questions and see the light in her eyes when she smiles at me. I have to thank all of these people for getting me through a rough day because I am surely not strong enough to do it on my own.

I feel everybody is entitled to their own opinion and I will listen to every single one that I hear and take it into consideration, take what I believe to be true and discard the rest, I truly believe the world has misled a lot of people by telling us we can't help addicts until they're ready, if your child had pneumonia would you put them out in the cold and close the door. That is a helpless child in need of care, addicts are no different and seldom heal themselves, addicts are sick broken down people that will never regain their lives without the love and compation from their families and friends. The world has told us to sit back and wait for our loved ones to find their own way to a better life; well I believe the world to be wrong. If you distance yourself from an addict in fear of them hurting you once again then you need to get out your dictionary and look up the word love because that sounds pretty selfish to me and I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of love. Addicts are like helpless children that need guidance and reassurance to climb out from under that rock where they have been hiding, you may not save them in a day but each time you go out of your way to express your love for them you will build hope in their heart that will in time lead them out of hopelessness, do not be fooled by what the world has taught you, do not slam the door in their face, invite them in for a little love, you will be surprised how far it will take them, I believe this to be true with all of my heart and will not be swayed.

Well it seems that every wall I come to does have a door if I am patient and look hard enough for it. Financial stability is something I have never had and through my extensive drug use I have ruined my credit, ive tried to open a bank account several times in the last year only to be told my credit was to bad. They wouldn't even let me open a savings account, what is an addict to do when he gets paid, carry around four or five hundred dollars all the time, not very smart. Today I decided to open a door so I went t a bank today and explained this dilemma to them. I told them about my blog and twenty eight years of drug use and that there's got to be a solution, not only for me but for all that are in my position. We discussed a restricted account, savings only with no teller card and wala, next week when I get paid she has informed me to come to her and open an account, not only that but she told me they will reevaluate me in six months and if all is well bump me up. This is a huge step in gaining my own independence and opening doors for others like me to do the same I plan to go to a few more banks and see if they too will make an exception for people In my situation. Well one more problem that is no longer a problem. Well I still have two very big issues to deal with but today is not the day, I will enjoy this new stress free life today and worry about the rest tomorrow. Saving the world one person at a time, James

Day 30

Day 30 it seems the days are flying by, I can't believe it's day thirty, but it is. I woke up this morning feeling very alone and a little angry, my cousin Dan told me that other people's opinions are important but altamently you are alone to make your decisions. I believe this to be true and good advice that I will use in my life. As I sat last night and wrote the last part of my blog I felt like I was writing out of anger and when I was finished I had to have Hilary reread it for me because I felt like I was attacking my family, that is not the case by any means, I am not a lash out kind of person, never have been and never will be, I was so worried my family would take offence I started doubting myself and wondered if I should leave it in. this morning I realized as I write this blog there may be hurt feelings and I am sorry for that but as I look past the hurt I may or may not cause I see hope for millions, my mind does not work on a small scale and I believe that as I learn about life I can teach others to make changes in theirs, big or small ,either way their lives will improve as mine does every day. this is the path I was chosen to walk down and I will not allow mine or other people's feelings to sway me from what I believe to be true. Once again my apologies if you are offended.

It seems like the world sets rules for us to follow, tells us what is right from wrong and how we should handle situations, I think there's a lot of people that walk through life unknowingly following these rules instead of following their heart, not questioning right from wrong, afraid of breaking these rules exposing themselves as different from the herd. Well I am different and I definitely don't believe most of what the world taught me and I am no longer afraid to voice what I believe to be right. I have had ideas in my mind for a very long time but I was always afraid of misleading people, I think it is a big responsibility to give advice to others because altamently you could be responsible for their bad decisions. But as each day goes by work harder to be a better person and my confidence grows and I know in my heart what I am, a caring person that wants to bring the happiness that I feel in my heart to anyone that will have it, I want to touch the lives of everyone in one way or another, how could that be misleading? I truly believe that i can save the world one person at a time and I will never quit writing until this is accomplished

As for this morning feeling lonely and a little angry, one of my readers has been talking to me about good and bad days and has done her part in keeping me on the right track by preparing me for those bad days, thank you, you know who you are.

Day 29

Day 29 well I have to say, I am truly amazed, I had no idea life could be this enjoyable. My boss and I were talking yesterday and the topic of feeling good verses being happy came up. It seems my whole life ive been doing things to try to make myself feel good with the end result always being misery. Yesterday I realized that all the things ive tried to do throughout my life to make myself feel good was only a band aid that will surely fall off in a day or two. With all the changes I am making in my life it seems there is a never ending happiness pouring into my soul, the more I fix the happier I am, problems don't seem to exist anymore, only solutions, it seems like I have learned a lot more through all the negative experiences in my life than I had thought. From my past experience of trying to feel good my b rain keeps telling me this happiness has got to end, it never lasts very long, but as I continue to make these changes the happiness just seems to grow and grow. I am finding I know longer have to try to feel good, with this happiness growing inside of me I just do.

I would like to share some good news with you that I received yesterday, the man that I work for not only sells classic muscle cars but also races, bracket racing, kind of like ¼ mile but a little different. I have always loved cars and wanted to race but when you are on drugs as bad as I was those opportunities just don't come up. Well I am no longer on drugs, and not only that, I am a different person all together because of the changes I am making every day. This must be noticeable because yesterday my boss told me he's going to let me make a few practice runs in a forty to fifty thousand dollar race car to see if ive got what it takes, wow. People spend years and years saving money to build a ten thousand dollar race car so they can race, what an opportunity. That is a lot of trust he is putting in to me and one more responsibility that I would love to have. I must say I am really feeling the love in this world and hope that I to can be a part of spreading it around.

Another thing that has been on my mind since last night, the word love, it seems like people throw that word around so loosely without the commitment that comes with it. Does anybody even think about that or is it just me, I believe that word should come with an unwritten agreement, I believe in my heart that when you love someone, and I'm not talking about just a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, I'm talking about brothers, sisters, mother, daughters and friends, when you truly love them you look out for them, would you let them get hit by a speeding car, would you let them jump off a 10 story bridge because it looked fun, would you let them eat rat poison, I don't think you would so why would you watch the people that you say you love kill themselves slowly ruining every life around them as they die. If you love somebody who is killing themselves don't hang back and wait for them to be ready, and don't wait for them to come to you, show them that you love them by communicating your feelings to them, they can't read your mind. Write them a letter if you have to, that way they won't start an argument to distract you but plant a seed and they will think about it. If you sit back and do nothing I personally think you should reevaluate your feelings for them, don't tell them you love them and then do or say nothing about the path they are headed down, this will only strengthen their feelings of hopelessness, I will not use this word lightly ever again, if i say I love you, you better believe it carries the unwritten agreement. James

Day 28

Day 28 well it is six am, ive been up since five, as I left the house at about five fifteen, I was so filled with joy once again I could not stop crying, it is such an overwhelming feeling of happiness and just when I get it under control it smacks me in the face again, I think ive always been overemotional, but ive never believed this to be a curse, I believe it to be a gift, a blessing that allows me to have the compassion for others that I do. I can simply look at a stranger and see the happiness in their eyes and somehow that happiness pours into me. But this works both ways and when I see a stranger dealing with the agonies of life sometimes I have to look away so they don't see the tears boiling up in my eyes. It seems like all the hurt and despair that I see goes right through me and there doesn't seem to be enough good in the world to even it out. I am starting to realize that this range of emotions has played a big part in my daily drug use. you see for the longest time I thought something was wrong with me, don't know what, maybe mentally unstable. When I was growing up it sure as heck wasn't cool to cry or have compassion for the weak, it was cool to pick on them. So as a child I didn't live by how I felt, I lived by what got me accepted, and that's what ive been doing every since. Trying to hide from these emotions that make me who I am has brought nothing but self doubt and anxiety to my life for as long as I can remember, yesterday as I was thinking about this I thought I was going to ask all of you if there was something wrong with me but your answers won t change the fact that this is how I am and i love who I am today and wouldn't change one thing about any part of my life, I am right where I'm supposed to be and I will no longer fear being different, I am so lucky to be blessed with such compassion and love for others and it is this range of emotions that make me that way, how can that be wrong??i love you steven

Well I am at the park with my granddaughter, it is so nice, this calmness I feel, but i cannot help to think about this world we live in through clean eyes, I am realizing that even though I am clean now this world will use and take everything I allow it to from me. It is hard to stand up for yourself when you've done so much wrong, you feel so bad about yourself you automatically assume you're wrong even when your right. Ive come up with a solution for myself, living right, you see if I am living right, working as hard as I can and being honest and moral there is not one person that can look down on me or mistreat me, or take advantage of me, fair is fair, I know the difference, and if I let people use me or take advantage of me I open the door for more to come and believe me it will. Standing up for yourself is scary at first but the more you do it the better you feel and it gets easier every time. I am surprised how effective it is to pull someone aside and tell them how you feel let them know you have done nothing wrong and won't be treated like that without calling them out in front of everybody they will start treating you with more respect. I have drawn a line for myself, I will only let people in need take from me, the people that are not in need don't need to be taking anything from me, I won't have it. Well to me clean or not if you don't demand the respect you deserve there is always someone right there to knock you around. I believe this to be true.

I would like to comment on a couple of comments, I love you Aunt Paula. Jack I believe we are getting to know each other pretty good; I would really enjoy meeting you over a cup of coffee sometime in the future. K from sd, i am so glad that you see that these problems that I am fixing in my life apply to the general population, we all find some way to escape and really all were doing is missing out on a wonderful life that could be. To anonymous, I am so hoping that others will see this wonderful life that I am creating for myself and be inspired to do the same, maybe that relative you were talking about, if there is anyone else that is ready to be set free from the hell they are living, comment on my blog and we will get you set up with your own blog and support group, it works, I'm living proof. Rebecca, always nice to hear from you. Legacy, as always I am inspired by you. Life is freaken awesome James

day 27

Day 27, well it is almost eight in the morning, ive been up since six but I spent this morning writing to someone that's been a huge inspiration to me, this person has been a big part of me regaining my self worth, thanks again, you know who you are.

It seems the farther I go with this the more I learn, my cousin told me awhile back not to be surprised to find that people that were close to me before may not be the ones that walk beside me on this journey and he was right. The two people I thought were the closest to me are nowhere to be seen anymore, and old friends that I have not talked to in 20 plus years and people I don't even know, besides hill have been the strength that has kept this alive. It seems a lot of things I'm learning are steps in recovery but I just didn't believe them at the time, I think when you're an addict you tend to not trust the system or anyone in it. I constantly here people say that addicts have to hit bottom and be ready to quit, I'm pretty sure that if you're an addict and your getting high everyday to avoid life you are at the bottom, and I don't know one addict that isn't ready to quit, they just don't see any light at the the end of the tunnel, and even if there was a glimpse of light they don't know how to get to it. That is one of the main reasons for this blog, to lead people to the light. To show people there is life after drugs and it is not as overwhelming as it seems. I have wanted to get my life straight for as long as I can remember but did not know how. If I can do it anyone can because I was an addict in the worst way. I would spend every cent I had every day and then try to think of where I could get more money waking up in the morning thinking oh god, how I am going to fix this. Every single day for years, not believing in what the rehabs told me, I would quit using and struggle with it severely because I never tried to fix the other parts of my life that made me want to use in the first place. Well now I have found a way to do that and its working tremendously,

Every day I am feeling better and better and I am realizing that I no longer have to dream of a better life, I have wonderful ideas that will change the world and no, the sky is not the limit, there is no limit to what I can achieve. I woke up this morning with a confidence that I never new excited, now I know how people can be so successful, by feeling like this. i also woke up with a knowing direction, with both of these in my life I will not submit to defeat, when I started this blog I had neither, and no idea what I was doing or where this was going. Now I do, I believe that all of the people that are behind me and my self are pioneers of what is to become. What we have done together has saved my life. You may not see that side of it but I do cause I was the one dying, this blog and the support that it has given me has turned my life around in just twenty seven days, I truly believe it wasn't the drugs I was fighting, it was myself, I believe we are creating the rehab/ therapy sessions of the future, opening doors for hundreds of thousands of people so that they may once again live. when I started out I thought about writing a book, well this is my book and it will never end, and it will never be for sale, it is free for all that it may help, forever. I want to scream from the rooftops to get this out. It occurred to me today that this is not just a story for the Chattanooga times, this online rehab with face book as a support group, this is a story in every city where someone is helping me, you are part of the story, the word needs to get out, there's a free rehab on line, if you believe in me and what I am doing call your local news paper and tell them to just read it, that's what I did with chatt times, all they can do is say no, chatt times thought it was important enough to do a story on. I believe I am already becoming that person that people can look up to. I finally have a direction and the confidence to go with it, my fear of all the wrongs of the past are gone and I am thinking clearer and seeing farther, I know I will never get to the end of this path because it has no end. I will walk down it slowly taking in all that I can and giving back As much as I can and all of you are responsible for helping me get here, pioneers I tell ya. Thanks, James

Ps drugs and alcohol will probably be in my mind for a long time and when I started driving I was nervous cause that's when I usually screw it up but I can't tell you how good it feels to drive by that crack house, not on the actual road, I can see the road from the freeway, and actually realize I have way to much to lose to even think about taking that exit, I can sincerely say I am very conscious of what a bad decision that would be. I am way to happy with who I am and where I'm going to make that mistake

Day 26

It seems like in only twenty six days a good portion of my life is in order. I finished my blog early last night and found myself thinking about poem readings, I have no idea where this came from but I want to go to a poem reading. Maybe, it is this new love I have found for writing, I don't know. But if you told me a month ago I would be getting up at six in the morning, on purpose to write I would of thought you were higher than I was. i am stunned over the amount of things I am learning since this blog started. I truly believe writing helps me slow down my thoughts and actually think about them. The outcome of writing, for me any way, has turned the last twenty five days of my life into the happiest time I can remember out of forty one years. I am truly dumfounded by the way I feel as I sit here and write. My mind keeps telling me to watch out something is going to ruin this but I have found a path that I absolutely love walking down and have come to the realization that there is nothing that can ruin this. Problems will occur, big and small, but I am learning that is part of life. I am also learning how to face these problems head on, figure out a solution, and put them behind me where they belong. I think the most important thing I have learned is to stop creating problems by making bad decisions, I think this is a valuable lesson that a lot of people need to learn, I am so thankful I did. Well I am at work now and it is nine o clock, time to put the computer away and concentrate on the commitment I have made to my job, talk to you after work.

Well it is seven thirty in the evening and I'm in bed, I had a hard day today, I'm glad it's over, but I think I did learn something very important today, now that I have a car and money, drugs are an issue, there definitely not gone, but it seems I have something to lose now. You see I think that when you have no self worth and your hope for life is gone you have nothing to lose and that used to be the case with me, b ut my life is different now, the accountability I have to all of you for taking time out of your lives to show me you care and remind me that I am not worthless. I have been alive for forty one years and in the last twenty six days this blog and all the people reading it and sharing their love with me has literally pulled me out of my grave because I had no hope for life. Now I do and that's a lot to lose. I have to drive by that crack house every day and yes old habits die hard so I have to think about it every day but vi don't have to do it, every day I make a decision to drive right on by because now I have way to much to lose.

As for religion, I am very much a believer in god, I talk to him every day but I do not know the bible and do not know enough about myself to make a commitment to any religion just yet, in time when I am comfortable with myself I will be ready to cover that topic

I cannot thank all of you enough for the love that is filling my heart. James

Day 25

I woke up this morning and realized I am no longer afraid of life, what an empowering feeling. The feelings of intimidation to talk to people or say what's on my mind are going away. I cannot explain how relaxed I feel, I feel good but not excited, maybe this is what normal people that haven't been on drugs there hole life feel like every day. I'm not sure but I like it. I am starting to feel like I don't have to take crap from other people, they are no better than I am, as long as I am living my life right. I am definitely starting to care more about myself, personal appearance and hygiene has never been important to me at all. I guess when you feel like every body already formed their opinion of you what's the point. I am learning that you can change peoples opinions by changing yourself, if you are taking the steps to improve your life people will have no other alternative but to show you some respect, and if they don't you don't need them in you r life. At least that how I feel about it.

Well today Ive had some major breakthroughs, I wasn't too happy about my writing the last two days, I felt rushed and had so much on my mind I couldn't think clearly. Today I was able to get answers to some stuff I just couldn't get off my mind. One of them, I believe, success depends on. I believe my recovery depends on me getting a job where I don't have to lie about who I am or where I was twenty six days ago. Having to lie about yourself to get a job opens the door to more lies and this will spill over into your life at home, it doesn't' take long till you are once again living a lie, nobody respects a liar. Ive gone back to a man that has ran me off three times, I think, not sure. I asked him to read my blog, this is not only my application to life but it's my job app . My life is what it is and I cannot change that but  I can change today, I know I love where my life is headed and I will not let obstacles change my direction. This person is once again taking a chance on me and for the first time in my life I felt obligated to make a commitment, this is the first time in my life ive ever thought about the seriousness of commitment and what it means, your only as good as your word, for some reason now it makes sense. I have commited to this man forty hours a week, same wages, and no side jobs for six months. This is a commitment I want to keep, not only to build on my reputation but there is another reason, the last time I had gotten him so fed up he told me that was it, he was tired of helping people. Im not going to be that person that turns him cold on helping others, my conscience is clearing up, id like to keep it that way. Can life really be this good, I think so, with the right choices.   james

day 24

Good morning to all. It is six am here, I love getting up early and writing. Well I have been on cloud nine for two days now, I'm ready to come down, it's very tiring up here. I need to get back to the middle and slow down a little. Today I'm going to go read from page one and reread all of my blog i feel like ive come pretty far and I'm not willing to lose everything again. I want this hole experience fresh in my mind, all that vi have felt from the beginning of this whole thing to help me stay on my toes.

Well today I want to talk about opportunities, it seems that all I have to do is blink and another one will appear. I had a friend once tell me I'm the only person he knows that can fall face first into a mud puddle and get up with a hundred dollar bill stuck to my nose. I definitely believe that I am luckier than most when it comes to opportunities but I am going to change my outlook on these opportunities, in the past I would get a job and go in there and work my but off for the first couple of weeks and impress everyone, there is one part of my life that ive always been very confident in, and that is work, thank you Scott. But my drug addict life style has always taken over after a couple of weeks. I start thinking I can get away with things because of my hard work will even it out. Well that's not the case and has never been, people , I guess have put up with my life style because my work is good but slowly I think they begin to get tired of all the crap that comes with me. I feel that most of the people I worked for pretty much knew I had a drug problem and their views of me seem to lower and lower as time goes by, and it should. When people realize you're a crack head they treat you like a crack head. I just couldn't see anyone else's point of view, only my own. It's not that many times that ive been fired, I usually get mad and leave cause I think I'm being mistreated, I never took in the fact that I was a cracked. Well I am no longer a crack head, so I do not want to be treated like one. I'm making the changes in my life to live right and set an example for others to do the same. I will not take a job unless whoever is going to employ me reads my blog first, this is who I am now and if I'm going to have people in my life it is important to me that they know who I am and what I' about, it seems the need for approval is starting to fade more and more. and I am feeling more and more confident about the direction I am going in. whatever job I do I'm going to do the best that I can so I can hold my head up high. Now that I have eliminated the big negative I brought with me to work I'm hoping people's opinions of me will change. If not it won't slow me down, just another problem that I will deal with. Well I have had a long day and I am very tired but bi would like to say one more thing, a special thanks to Mark Kennedy, I thought long and hard about the responsibility that you have to your readers and that your taking a chance doing a story on somebody who has a history of failing, not only that but you were responsible enough to ask me if I was ready for the pros and cons of having a story done on me. Well that's it for tonight, James

Day 23

well I believe another good night's sleep leads to a clear mind and a good attitude. As I reread last night's blog I noticed a couple of miswritten words, two days ago I took over  my daughters spot as proof reader and adding punctuation, so there might be some mistakes for a week or two, but it feels great to learn how to do new things. She's trying to teach me how to post by myself but im having a little trouble with paste, copy, then go somewhere else and do it again, but I'll get it, I'm slowly becoming more independent and not so self reliant on others. That is very important to me because in time I want to get away from being so needy and become the needed. At some point in my life I would like to become the rock, the strength that other can take from. I have decided that this is who I want to be so I will continue making the right decisions to take me there. I believe that it can be as simple As That. This is not such a hard path to walk down, it's rather enjoyable.

Well I told you I had gotten some good news yesterday that I was very excited about, I have an appointment today at three and I really need to stay focused. You see I still get very nervous talking to people face to face, sometimes so nervous I lose my breath. So today I will try something new, something I learned yesterday, staying in the middle. I will try to keep a clear head, stay calm, not let my emotions race, and take time to think before I answer any questions. I think life is much more manageable when you slow yourself down and think about what you're doing before you do it, kind of like speeding when your late to work, you could've just been ten minutes late, but now your twenty five minutes late and the speeding ticket cost you a hundred. I'm learning it's better to be a little late if you can get their without making any mistakes, it's all starting to make sense to me now

1.       It's now about six in the evening; I started writing at six this morning and wrote for about an hour. I went to work with a lot on my mind, you see I knew I was getting a truck today and although drugs haven't been an issue, maybe cause I knew I had no way to go get them. I was worried on the way to work and talked to my daughter about it and she looked at me kind of surprised and asked me, you don't want to do drugs do you? Well no I don't want to do drugs but there have been a lot of times I didn't want to and I don't know what happened, I just ended up doing them, well I had an appointment at three so I left work at one forty five and headed to Hilary's house, for those of you that don't know that's my daughter, and started crying the minute I hit the freeway, I was so happy, it felt so good, I realized for the last two days it's been all about decision making, here was,  my opportunity to go get high, I got a truck and money in my pocket. All that talk about decision making was right at the front of my thought process, I knew that wasn't for me, i am actually the happiest I have ever been, I'm not going to let a bad decision take all that I have achieved away in an instant. Tears ran down my face for fifteen minutes, it was a wonderful feeling, knowing that I can stand on my own two feet and make the right decisions and keep this happiness going. So I will be extra careful for awhile, no slacking up. That decision led to even better news, Tuesday I called the Chattanooga times free press and explained them that I had found a way to get myself clean using a blog and the internet for support, he told me he would have a reporter read it and if I didn't hear from him to call him Thursday. Well I called Thursday and he asked me to come in for an interview, I guess he feels it's worthwhile because he is doing a story on my daughter and I and the blog, it will be in chatt

Free press Sunday, august first under features, the writer is Mark Kennedy. I am very excited.

I am also emotionally drained, I have some other things I wanted to talk about but I am worn out, I think I'll be in bed by nine. Thank all of you for spending time with me; I appreciate all of you, James

day 22

Day 22 man I slept good last night. Probably the best since this whole thing started. No feelings of panic or anxiety or 20 different thoughts going through my head. I used to drink myself to sleep because of this. I actually woke up and had no idea what I was going to write about today when usually there are 5 different things on my mind from the night before. I guess this recovery/therapy program that I have created for myself is really taking effect; I have never seen life threw my eyes as I am seeing it right now. All I can say is WOW. I see a whole new life, I bet you thought I was going to say ahead of me; well I was till I thought about it. It is right under my feet and I am already living it. You see I used to think if I do this my life will change or if I do that my life will change always waiting for tomorrow thinking it will bring me something that will suddenly start my wonderful life that I have been waiting for. Well today, once again realized something very important that will help mold who I am to be, I am no longer waiting for tomorrow, my life began twenty two days ago when I made my first responsible decision and I have lived in my life every day sense. They sat tomorrow never comes and their right. It hasn't come for me in twenty eight years and if I would've continued on that same path I probably would've ended up dying still waiting to live, sad isn't it, but true.

Well yesterday I was feeling down but took the time to evaluate the situation and resolved my problems before they turned into yet another mistake. Today I must do the same thing, you see a lot has happened in just one day, a lot for me to think about, the commitment to a full time job, the possibility of getting a truck by the end of the week and I got some other news this morning that made me so nervous and excited I could barely breathe and couldn't stop shaking. You know what this means, time to celebrate, ive taken my emotional rollercoaster from the bottom all the way to the top. I love this range of emotions but the ice is thin on either side, for me anyway. I truly enjoy experiencing both sides, but once again I must get myself back to the middle where it is safe, and once again this requires a lot of thought and responsible decision making. I will no longer hide from these feelings, I will embrace them and grow from them and even enjoy them for a minutes or two. What I will not do is let my emotions make my decisions, I will go back to the middle where its safe and I can think straight, then make the decisions I need to make. As for celebrating, that was my emotion talking; I'm back now and stronger than ever.

as for whether I know you or not, I am learning more and more from your comments every day, I don't have to know you to learn from you. I truly appreciate all commits, each and every one is a lesson for me, and how could that be wrong? Well until tomorrow, James

Day 21

Day 21, good morning, I was going to start rereading where I left off on day twelve but last night I started feeling a little depressed. I slept on it, and in the morning realized that the euphoria of this new drug free life was wearing off. I woke up with feelings of self doubt, loneliness, and fear of the real world setting back in. I knew it couldn't be that easy; thankfully ive gained enough strength to recognize what was going on before I made any regrettable mistakes. I guess these are emotions people have to deal with every day, it's not that I haven't felt these feelings before, it's that ive never looked at them head on and dealt with them before. As a matter of fact, ive used these feelings my whole life as an excuse to get high, drunk, or both. The pressures of life are starting to set in, I was kinda thinking, when this whole thing started, get clean and it will all work itself out. That's not the case at all, I have to work it out, problems don't fix themselves, what was I thinking. I must have been way out there.

Well I believe I have found a solution for one of those feelings I felt this morning, self doubt. u see last night someone that has been special to me almost my whole life made a comment to me, nothing long and drawn out, a simple little comment. I may have even taken it the wrong way, but it kinda punched me in the face. I thought they were laughing at my blog and what I was trying to accomplish, I had a hard time going to sleep last night wandering if what I was trying to do was stupid and a waste of time, are other people laughing at me? My mind raced. When I woke up this morning I felt worse, wondering about a job, a place to live, and am I really alone, will it always be this way. WOW, too much at one time, so this morning I went to the starting problem and thought about a solution. I cannot let this fester. Two hours later I was on my way, I sat down and wrote that person a letter letting them know how much they meant to me and how what they said effected me. I thought about what has gotten me as far as I am and realized this is not stupid and if anybody thinks it is they must not care about me because this has brought me farther in my life than I have ever been. How can that be stupid? Know I wonder how I let something so small affect me so negatively. Its amazing how one comment, probably taken out of context almost sent me spinning downwards! The simple act of communication put me back on track, a lot easier to deal with than I had thought.

As for feeling alone, I know I'm not alone, ive got all of you, and I am rebuilding friendships that are becoming amazing to me, but I have always longed for that special relationship between a man and a woman, the comfort of someone being their just for me. The clearer my head gets the more I want it. I know it's not time yet but it's not something I can just not think about, so I will be patient. In time that aspect of my life will come,

As for work, today I picked up a month's worth so know worries there. I have a few more days before I need to worry about somewhere to live so the pressure doesn't exist for me right now. It seems I turned one little problem into four, I believe that's my old way of thinking so I had a reason to get high, not today. To me life feels much too good to let myself go backwards…. James

Day 20

Once again I cannot wait to write. This is such a new feeling for me, getting up and wanting to do something. I guess this is living, I love it! I feel like in just 20 days I have come such a long way and I feel like every day I am gaining wisdom. The idiot has left the building; it feels good to get rid of him! All he seems to do is bring me down. I know at this point I would be a fool to let the joy that I feel blind me from my old life so I will proceed with caution and not get to high on this rollercoaster of life in fear of falling off. I know it's only twenty days but I think it's a pretty long way down from here that could hurt.

My topic for the day is confusion, my confusion. I know I am writing this blog so that I may learn how to live a better life and also maybe teach other people how to do the same thing. I don't believe you have to be an addict to learn from what I've gone through. Addiction is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I have to rewrite just about every aspect in my life. Rebuild my character, establish what I believe to be my morals and values, define the difference between sex and love, because there not the same. The list goes on and on. So there is a long way to go and a lot to work on and I'm sure there will be a lot of mistakes along the way, but I am on the way. My dilemma is approval. I talked two days ago about being so worried about what everyone else thought and seeking their approval like it was a bad thing. Well I know it is, if your compromising your values to get it, but I am finding that as each day goes by and I feel as though I have learned something new and write about it. I watch for my computer to say message hoping for some type of approval in their comment. Is this a bad thing? Is this wanting of approval going to stunt my growth? Is it healthy? Because I don't have to compromise my values, or should I just already know what I'm saying is right and not care what anyone else thinks? I think wanting approval can be healthy if you are seeking it from people that are living their lives right. It is the positive approval from all of you that has kept me going with this blog. I had no idea I could even write or if my writing was any good until my readers started telling me. Sure I think it's good, but I wrote it, and although I do seek your approval I am now learning the difference between selling myself and listening to good advice. I surely don't think I know everything so your opinions are very important to me. I learn something every day that I read the comments you write, that's the whole idea for comments. I think that's about it for tonight but I would like to thank two friends that have really helped me feel better about myself with their friendship, thank you.

James

Day 19

Day 19. Well for the second day in a row I can't wait to write. I just got up a while ago and my mind is filled with things I want to talk about. As I took a shower I was thinking about all the opportunities I have squandered and how far ahead in life I could be right now. If I would've stayed in school and went to college, the amount of money I would have in the bank and the things I would own. I had to come to the realization that I am actually thankful for the roads I have taken; it was all those mistakes in my life that has given me the knowledge that I have today. And believe it or not, as I sit here wondering where I'm going to live and if I'm going to be able to get a good enough job to pay those bills, for some reason I have never felt more safe and at ease in my life. I play power ball and mega-millions 4 times a week. I know I'm supposed to win, but I don't want to play anymore. I'm afraid all that money will distract me from what I love, learning more about life and maybe being lucky enough to teach a few other people some things along the way. You see, I'm very much enjoying learning how to live, it is not something I want to rush or fast forward through. I am at a very comfortable place right now and I'm enjoying life more than ever. I've always known I'm supposed to do something or be someone special. I think the problem was I was always afraid of failing. Well this is already a success so what do I have to lose? A friend of mine told me a long time ago I should stop trying to get rich and start helping people. I didn't know what he meant at the time but it stuck with me, and now I feel I have a better understanding of what he meant.

Something else that has been on my mind a lot the last few days, the drugs and booze are gone, that has not been a topic in what, twelve or thirteen days? What if I were to say that I didn't think drugs and booze were the actual problem? Maybe just a nasty side effect from a different problem. Do not get me wrong, my life has been totally blinded by these things and by no means am I even thinking of going back. I have seen people struggle and struggle to stay clean but that's all they do and when nothing else changes they go back. I am starting to believe that low self esteem and no self worth has led me farther and farther into my own little world. Drugs and booze were nothing but a tool to hide behind. Sense I have been writing this blog and discovering all these things about me, drugs and booze is the last thing on my mind. It sure feels good. Once again I thank you for your comments, the idiot has not returned to the building. James

Day 18

Today I am going to write a little bit more about my personal life. I'm gonna try real hard to word this properly, moral responsibility to others that have been close to me in my life. Today's blog is all about my personal growth, and by no means trashing or criticizing anyone else. It seems that I have craved love and acceptance so badly and for so long that I would do just about anything to get either one. This has pretty much only led to hurt and despair. It seems the desperation to please everyone else has caused me to set my own values and morals aside. I am no longer willing to do this. That does not mean I won't go of my way to care about people, it just means I will not compromise what I think is right to benefit others. That would definitely be a step in the wrong direction. If I do not believe in myself and live by those beliefs, I will never grow; just sit around questioning my every thought. Well I'm over it, I do know right from wrong and will not be swayed from my values. If this means I have to sever relationships, so be it that does not mean I do not care about those people, but I will not compromise my goals for a fight I can't win. Things like this are hard to do and hurt very much, but I truly believe that living through these pains are very healthy and will teach me a lot about how to love, and how to tell when someone is sharing their love with me. This is something I look forward to, a never ending monogamous relationship with someone that shares the same goals and values as I do, when I learn what they are. I know that it will be a while before I have this in my life but I also know I am headed in the right direction to make this hope a reality. Knowing this brings calmness to my mind that I have never experienced before. I feel that my self esteem is rising and the need to try and empress others is fading. These feelings of confidence are very new to me but I like them a lot. I think I can get used to liking myself.

As for the person that commented yesterday about where I live and what I do for work, I live in Chattanooga TN., I don't have a regular job, I work for several different people as I have not been responsible enough to run my own business. There is not much I don't know how to do, just about every phase of remodeling houses, and I am very good at foreseeing problems and eliminating them before they happen. I'm always thinking four steps ahead. I can wrench, landscape, do rockwork, and things I don't know how to do I am quick to learn. I've worked on four movies, and a music video. I very much enjoyed that life. On my cousin Dan's movie, I did so many different things I was in the credits three times. He actually put me in there under kick ass. I have a class a CDL, a pretty wide variety of jobs. I think my favorite working experiences have come from working on movies because you get so involved in what's going on, the outside world kind of ceased to exist and you become really close to everyone you are working with. When the movie is done, back to reality. As for what I'm doing right now it is very slow, and I am really not getting the gratification out of it that I want so; I am open to any opportunity that becomes available. I would really like to find something more gratifying. As for Chattanooga, I was told to move out of where I lived yesterday so I guess I'm homeless and unemployed. My daughter will look after me for a bit but I don't want to become a burden. I think because I am on the right path none of all this downhill stuff is stressing me at all. I wish that out of town job would've came through but I know that as long as I continue to make responsible decisions all will work out.

I feel good about where I am headed, and I feel even better about the fact that I am not ashamed of who I am. As I sit back and think about whom I am, I feel pride and confidence, it's freakin awesome! The idiot has left the building. James

P.S. I have revised my smoking dilemma, I will start reminding myself every day how nasty cigarettes are, and Wednesday I will drop to ten a day till Monday, then go to seven, once this is accomplished I will go from there, if you wish to join in please do. James

P.S.S.

I want all of you that have been following me to know that it is because of your compassion for life, that I am gaining the strength to make this dream a reality and today that is what it has become for me. I've gotten the best news that I've heard so far in this 18 day journey; a person that I have looked up to for a long time was chatting with me today, he's going through a bit of stuff in his life right now, & he told me he thought my blog was helping a lot of people I didn't even know about. Then he proceeded to tell me his goals to quit drinking, quit pills, and tobacco. Tears of joy are still running down my face. This new responsibility of setting an example and trying to inspire others to do the same has got to be one of the best feelings I have ever felt. Thank all of you for turning this dream to reality, and good luck to my friend, I will be here for you every night.

day 17

It's been a long day today. I didn't go to bed till three last night and got up at seven. I was very excited to play with my new laptop I can honestly say at forty one years old the only possessions I own are my clothes and now this computer, and my clothes are pretty raggedy. Going out and purchasing this was a big step for me, I cannot believe I let myself fall into such a state of hopelessness. I was miserable, but that has changed, it seems like every day all I do is think and look for ways to strengthen my morality. I spent today with my 14 year old son working on that job we started a week and a half ago, where I taught him to till. It felt good to not be in a hurry to get the job done cause I need the money. It felt even better to be able to start rebuilding a relationship with my son whom I've neglected to spend time with because of drugs. It felt good to have a clear head, and to be able to show my son good work ethics by example, all and all I very much enjoyed the time we got to spend together today, have a lot to learn about relationships, but the good news is I want to learn.

Another thing I've been thinking about for a couple of days is how I should feel about what other people think, or how they might look at me differently now that they know the extent and variety of drug use. Well I can tell you this, there's a lot of things I've done over the years that I feel guilty and ashamed about, but that is how I used to live my life, I cannot change that nor will I try to hide it. It is what brought me to this blog today, and this blog, I feel is my application to life, for all to read, I am not ashamed of who I am today and what I want to become tomorrow and for those that want to judge me and brush me aside, I don't have the time or energy to worry about it. No idiots here see ya tomorrow

Jim

Day 16

Well today has been kind of a blur. I realized yesterday that in the past, in my life anyway, failure breeds failure. Not this time, instead of giving up on my goal to quit smoking I will rewrite my methods of quitting, set goals that I can achieve, and continue working on getting this nasty ass habit out of my life. Now on going out of town for work; It looks like that opportunity has fallen through. I know my daughter and a few other people thought it was a bad idea and even though I have taken everybody's opinion very seriously, I believe going would've been the right thing for me to do. You see this blog is more to me than something to do, it is my support group, kinda like going to AA or NA, but I don't have to drive to a meeting, and I don't have to wait for a meeting to start.

I got my own laptop today, and I am very happy about it. Now I don't have to borrow anybody's computer. You see, I feel that no matter where I go, I can take all of you with me, even my daughter, life goes on whether I'm hiding behind her or not. Knowing I have a support group anywhere I go twenty four hours a day is definitely a breath of fresh air, that's what this is all about, getting a life. I have never felt more comfortable talking about my thoughts and feelings as I have the last sixteen days and the more I write and express myself, and read the comments from other people, the more I learn about life and myself. This is absolutely the best journey I have ever been on, a better life is already here and I know it's only gonna get better. I cannot thank all of you enough for taking the time to get to know me. Well it is very late as I've been trying to get my laptop set up. Idiots are as idiots do, not me. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow,

Jim

Day 15

Day 15, cigarettes are not going to go away as easy as everything else. I feel like I'm failing, I've smoked 6 cigarettes today. I guess if you go by percentage that's less than half of what I usually smoke, so maybe I'm not failing. Maybe I just need to work harder at it. It seems like it was easy to quit crack and beer. I've done my pros and cons and can clearly see that it's just plain stupid to smoke. Not 1 pro and a ton of cons but I can't stop thinking about it, its kinda depressing. But I'm not gonna let it get me down. This is a battle I know I can win. I'll have to come up with a new game plan. Well tonight is going to be short because I have another topic on my mind, but I cannot talk about it until I know for sure what all the facts are. It is something I have been writing in my head all day long, tomorrow will be a long page, two days to think about something is a long time for me, cigarettes are for idiots, they got to go, see you tomorrow, Jim

Day 14

I think last night was the best sleep I've had in the last 14 days. You know what that means; tomorrow I'm going to start the day cigarette free. I'm sick of smoking, feeling unhealthy, its gotta go. So it will be done. Let's get to the point of the day, for me anyway. I learned a lot about drug addiction and the damage our choices cause to others. I think we take our families for granted like there's some unwritten rule we can do whatever we want and they will remain in our lives as if we have done nothing at all. We expect it, like it's a given. I also think the farther we go into our addiction we depreciate, we think we are worth less and less, so why should anybody care about us? What does it matter to them if we get high? Well it does, there is a person in my life who to this day I would say is my best friend, that's a two way street and I haven't done any roadwork on my side in probably a decade, every once in a while I would stop slumming and pop up and he was always there for me. I think I have had some of the best times in my life when I'm around him. I cannot recall ever having any kind of conflict with him and I've known him since I was 11 or 12. I'm 41 now. Last night we were talking and I was on top of the world, as he has always been there before, once again he came through for me, I don't remember exactly how he put it but he let me know that he was tired of wondering all the time, is he clean? Is he in jail? Is he dead? I read his words and I felt like I was hit by a sledge hammer. Somehow I felt his pain in every letter of every word. I actually felt dizzy and had no response for him. I thought about it till I went to sleep and all day today, he is the first person that has ever said that to me. Two things acquired to me at the same time. I have damaged a ton of relationships with people that care about me, and there is no unwritten rule, not with family and especially not with friends, not even the ones you've had forever. And the other, although I may have depreciated, I am worth something. After all I have put everyone through; most of them still care about me. That doesn't mean that I am special, that means that I have special people in my life. I've got a ton of roadwork to do. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my progress, this knowledge makes me feel even better, you know who you are, thanks, and thanks to everyone else, I am reading your comments and taking them very seriously, no idiots around here, see ya tomorrow.

Day 13

Well, day thirteen! Wow, there have been times that I have stayed clean longer than this, but I have never worked so hard on all other aspects that pertain to staying clean. I have been reviewing and rewriting my first 10 days because I was drunk for half of it, and this is really the first time I've ever done anything like this. I stayed in school for about two months of the ninth grade, nobody made me go so I didn't. Fortunately I did get my GED in 1991 I believe, I don't remember taking the tests but I gotta piece of paper that says I did. So this is very much a learning process for me. As I read pages ten through twelve it brings a smile to my face because I can really see the improvements. Today I am going to take a break from improvements and back on track. It is a must that I put my blinders back on. I was offered some work out of town yesterday and I really want to go. My daughter is looking at me like I'm an idiot, she's not saying no, but she is quick to voice her opinion, "not a good idea," she says. Well she knows me pretty well and you know that moral responsibility, honesty and all.

As I was trying to go to sleep last night, I found myself thinking how nice it would be to grill a fat steak and maybe have a beer or two, what could it hurt? No one would know, I would know, and all of this would be nothing but a lie. I cannot face the guilt of lying to all of those who believe in me. This is why I need all of you to keep a close eye on me. I have a bad habit of letting myself down, it is you that I do not want to let down. I believe as time passes and my character grows stronger, it will be easier to make the right decisions but for now I need each and every one of you. I believe with this eye in the sky, we call the internet, and my blinders on good and tight, taking this job offer is not such a bad idea. It is a test that needs to be taken. I will have to shop around and get a lap top. There will be no excuse for me not to be here. Old habits die hard, I am happier than I ever have been and an idiotic thought like last night's came to mind. It tried to sneak in when I wasn't paying attention, wow! Well ill have to say today's blog has made me tighten the blinders up a little bit. Call me an idiot if you want but I think I'm past it.

Jim

Day 12

Good afternoon, it is day 12! I had planned on spending yesterday reading all ten pages and writing about them, but I spent most of the day on page 1. Now that I can think straight I am reading a lot more into what I wrote. I slept so good last night and I think it's a combination of the joy that I'm getting out of sharing my thoughts and being worn out from thinking so much. Physical labor does not make me near as tired as writing. So what am I trying to say on day two is, believe it or not on day two I was very drunk, but I remember the point I was trying to get to. As a druggy, I haven't had any meaningful relationships, and I've been in relationships for many many years at a time, but druggies tend to say what people want to hear to keep them around and hide what they feel so not to chase people away, I do not believe I have had a relationship with anyone ever where I have actually had a conversation about how I feel. I believe the most parenting I got were other peoples parents telling me to stay away cause I'm a bad influence. Well anyway back to the point, this blog has allowed me to express my feelings without the anxiety of being face to face with somebody, plus it allows me to build a support group that will not only follow my progress but hold me accountable. I not only want to succeed for myself, but also for all of my friends and family who are now able to check on me in a single click. I know most addicts don't have a computer and internet, but they have family and friends that do. I'm at my daughters house on her internet because my computer is lost in pawn; and a lot of druggies won't know how to set up a blog, I didn't either, like I said yesterday if it wasn't for my daughter I wouldn't be here today.

I believe that blogging is a very very important tool that will not only help build large support groups, but allow your friends and family across the usa to keep tabs on your progress. I want a lot more out of my blog. I want to touch souls all the way around the world, I want to inspire both sides, druggies and the people that care about them, both sides need to do their part. Well that's day two

Now I will talk about day three. To be honest with you I don't remember much of it because I was drinking more and more each day. My daughter had left early that morning to go to Florida for the weekend, I felt like I was alone once again and thought real hard about getting high but I knew whatever I wrote she would read. Knowing that she could still watch me actually kept me clean. On day three, I thought it was very important to let my support group, Hilary, know how important she was to me. So for all you addicts you had better remember just how many times you've let those people in your lives down, you can justify it all you want to but more than likely it's your fault. If they come back to help you once again you best not let them down, and suck it up and apologize for a few things, I'm sure they have it coming.

There are three things about day 4 I would like to talk about. The responsibilitys of setting the right example, setting goals and the following. First and foremost, I feel there is a strong responsibility in public speaking, and in a way that's what this is. I feel not only a responsibility of total honesty but a moral responsibility to make wise life changing decisions for the better as not to mislead anybody down the wrong road and that is my word which may mean something once again if I keep this up. Setting goals when I started this I set goals for myself, every seven days quit something. I believe you have to prepare your mind before you put your body through those changes psych yourself out and make yourself accountable. Tell people what you're going to do; knowing they're going to look at you like a failure will make you stronger. The more people that watch me the stronger I become. It is very important to me that I know you are there. My blog doesn't tell me how many people have read it and I wonder sometimes if there's more than 5 people reading it so please become a follower or comment so I know you were there. The more people watching, means more responsibility on my part to do a better job. I'm not an idiot and I will see you tomorrow.

Day 11 my reflection of day 1

Today is very special to me, day eleven, so I don't get to far behind I am going to reread everything I have written and review my progress, pull out what I feel was important to my ten day success and see how easy I can make it for others to do the same. As I read day 1 there were 4 things that stood out to me, the number one very most important thing was the love and patience that my daughter has for me. Without her tolerance for my life style and drug addictions there is absolutely no way I would be sitting here now. What I am telling you is not just for the addict, it is for that person like my daughter that Is watching . Someone they love fade into a void of helplessness, a bottomless pit. It is a very large responsibility on the person who is sober so do not take this role lightly, you could send someone spinning even farther down, I'm not trying to scare you but it is what it is . I called my daughter one night, I was drunk and high on crack, I had gotten some news about one of my boys that was very sobering and I knew it was time for me to change but I had tried so many times the traditional ways I thought I would try something just for me. When I called my daughter and said I need help she did not hesitate, she was at my house within the hour wanting to know what she could do. When I explained to her what I thought was kind of a crazy idea about how I was ready to get clean but I thought it should be documented. She did not look at me and laugh, she said okay and told me about blogging. I told her I cannot quit everything at once, she didn't doubt me or lose faith in me. She set this blog up for me that night, and the next day I went to work and called her the minute I got off to pick me up. I bought beer and smokes and gave her my cash that was left. I knew if I had money in my pocket it would lead to crack. That was my starting point. I know that most addicts probably don't think that this type of love d exist in their lives, and I didn't think it existed in mine, but there it is for all to see. I am at ten days because of it! I truly believe in my heart that this bond needs to be accomplished before you begin to feel like you are worthwhile, I believe it is the love of others that make us want to love ourselves. I think that as a druggy if you took this blog to someone that kinda still likes you and said look what he's doing, I think I can do it too, you will find the people around you love you more than you think.

The second thing I thought about day one is druggies are prone to failure. It happens so much it's just not that big of a deal. If I take on to much I get overwhelmed and I've already let everyone down so many times. What's one more time gonna hurt? Nobody expects me to make it anyway. So I gave myself seven days to get each drug out of my system but found I did not need that much time. Seven days is not something I'm married to. I think everybody's timeline will be a little different. The idea behind it is to set a goal and stick to it. You will find it's a lot easier than you thought. I stayed pretty drunk when I quit smoking crack but I quit smoking crack, and my daughter didn't say dad you sure are drinking a lot, she said I'm glad you made it another day without smoking crack. So set a goal for once in your life and prove everybody wrong, see what it feels like to succeed, that's a feeling I will stay addicted to.

The third thing I would like to talk about is something I was taught in every rehab I went to. Change your friends, your surroundings, and your life style! I don't know about other druggies but I can barely afford to put gas in my car when I have one. I sure as hell can't quit my job and move besides, I used to drive a truck and I don't think I've been to a town where I haven't gotten high, I found crack in a little town in Idaho, population 1500. So you can move but you might be moving next door to a bigger drug dealer than you used to live next to. The point is no matter where you go, they are there. No matter where you work people will be getting high. So stay where you are, get strong and set an example. If you have to stay gone for a while call up that person who loves you and hang out with them till bed time then go home, but remember they have a life to and cant babysit you forever. It's not so hard to make a decision and stick to it. I promise you, if you succeed on your first goal you will so look forward to succeeding on the next. I like this feeling much more than getting high.

The forth thing just slams the door for you. Write down the pros and cons of whatever drug you chose to quit first. If that doesn't help you to accomplish your first goal, I think you probably need to turn off the computer, go out and commit a serious crime and get caught because you obviously need a long time to think about your priorities. Well that about does it for my reflection of day 1.

Jim

Day 10

This morning was very emotionally draining. I could have easily dived off the wagon and I have for much less, but something is different about me now. I'm starting to feel good about whom I am becoming; this is an addiction I can live with. It's a feeling I've never had before and I like it, I definitely don't want to lose it. I wish I could share it with everyone who feels like I felt ten days ago. Now let's get right to the topic of the day, and that is to be who you are, I believe everybody's mind wanders a bit, mine I think more than most, or maybe not. I don't know but I do know that I've kept thoughts emotions and feelings hidden out of fear of what people may think of me. I realized this last night when my daughter helped me get set up on facebook. I found so many people I haven't seen in many years and some that I've lost touch with in the last couple of years. We sat there and did friend requests on about twenty people and attached my blog. When we were done, I found myself feeling very uneasy, I found myself so worried about their opinions I was worried about what I would say today and I realized this is a problem that has to be dealt with before I could continue on this mission of happiness. So here's my conclusion, I can be remembered as a crack head that never amounted to anything, or I can be remembered as a person who has compassion for humanity, a person that wants to make a better life for himself and maybe teach a few others to do the same along the way. I think I like the second one best, and I hope I teach a whole shitload of others along the way, that is the first time I cursed in this blog but I kinda feel like it was appropriate, I hope some of you get as much out of this as I did. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, well you know

James

Day 9

I have absolutely had the best day so far. I made good decisions and it paid off. I worked and then went to dinner and down to the walking bridge and the aquarium with my daughter and granddaughter, and had a very good time. THERE IS LIFE AFTER DRUGS! I know I have a long way to go but I truly feel I have never taken my life to this level, but I did not get here alone. I'm on the drug addict side, my daughter already had a life and has put time aside for me after numerous let downs on my part. All day I thought about two things that have played a very important part, actually starting to live a life, and the belief my daughter had in me and the hope she had for me, and my blog. Putting my life out there for everyone to judge, this is like an outlet for my mind. I have decided that after day 10 I am going to review what I have written and try to prioritize what I have learned. I am hoping that my daughter will write about her first 10 days being on the sober side of my train wreck. Well, I think that's it for today, if you don't hear from me tomorrow I'm an idiot.

-Jim

Day 8

Once again I have made it back and I'm feeling a little more relaxed. You see, my daughter has been in Florida since Saturday, and she's my strongest support. I don't believe this would've ever got started without her, so thank you Hill.

Anyway I'm still not sleeping very well, my mind races with thoughts of how I am going to save the world. I don't know why, it just does all the time no matter what; so I'm trying to concentrate on little things and the consequences before I make any decisions. I remind myself what is right is right, and what is wrong is wrong and I know the difference.

On another note, I wonder how all our rehabs stay in business with such low success rates. Are they missing something? I know they say," You have to be ready." Well, I was ready the past two times I put myself through a rehab. I'm not knocking rehabs, I'm just wondering if maybe there are a couple of steps that could be added so that more people can overcome their problems?!

Back to me; I do not feel an overwhelming feeling to get high; I feel an overwhelming feeling to figure out why I stayed high for so long!

Well that's all for today, if you don't hear from me tomorrow I'm an idiot.

-Jim

Day 7

Well, I still can't sleep, but I feel pretty good. It's like these little steps are adding up but I miss my daughter. She has really helped me think about my life. I enjoy spending time with her more than ever. To get back on track, I think the next thing that has to go is smoking. Not until I can sleep again though. So with that in the back of my head, these were the two most important things I've thought about today: First, on day thirty, and I'm sure people who know me are betting I won't get past day ten, I'm setting my first goal. At age 40, it's not so crazy, I'm going to ask my daughter to go over the first thirty days with me and edit it down to Chapter One of "The Book of James" so everyone can actually see how smart us druggies can be actually. Some of us are pretty smart when we put our minds to it. Secondly, I'm going to work on that empty feeling that continuously causes me to fail. Not this time! I know that I need to start doing something that gives me a sense of gratification. I really like all the "First Things First" commercials, so I'm going to start there. I'm gonna try to get in touch with them and see what they're all about. Maybe volunteer or see if I can get a part time job there. I really don't care what it pays; I just want to feel good about something. Well to all my critics: I've made it another day. To all my followers: I have made this far is because of you. You enable me to grow stronger every day. I hope that through all of the poor decisions I have made throughout my life that we may all benefit.

P.S. Don't do drugs.

P.S.S. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, I'm an idiot.

Well I'm back, but it's still today. I just wanted to let everyone know, who has commented, how much I appreciate it.

Talk to you tomorrow!

Day 6

Well, I didn't sleep very well last night at all. I thought quitting drugs and beer would be the hard part but it's not. I thought I would have better focus being drug free and sober but I feel more lost than ever. Today I realized I've been here before and every time it was easier to take the shame and embarrassment for failing once again than to feel this emptiness that I feel right now. So today I've realized I've got a lot of figuring out to do. I took my son to work today because I needed someone to shovel dirt while I tilled. But after watching my son for about 5 minutes I decided to take up a little space in that emptiness. So I taught my son how to till while I shoveled and voila! I watched my son grow a little and felt some of the weight coming off my shoulders. I guess it's a baby step but to me it sure feels like a leap in the right direction. Well were having spaghetti and I'm starved. Tell a friend! If you don't hear from me tomorrow I'm an idiot.

Day 5

Well, I made it back. I feel a little sick to my stomach. For the first time in five days, I'm sitting here with a cup of tea instead of a beer. If you remember, I gave myself seven days before my next big decision. It seems like the closer that day came; the drunker I was getting. I woke up at 5:00 AM this morning and had 2 beers left in the fridge. I felt like I drank enough to make up for the next two days, so I took them out of the fridge. I poured the first one in the sink but had to drink the second one. When I was done I told myself that today was the day. If I had to do it all over, alcohol would've gone first. I think I can honestly say that being drunk has played a very big part in almost all the foolish and irresponsible decisions I have made. That goes against everything I'm trying to accomplish. Can it really be that simple? Maybe all of this time that I've been struggling with everything life threw at me that I've been to drunk or high to see a very simple solution: stop getting high long enough to see and think straight. I want to start enjoying life instead of hiding from it. I kinda have a direction I would like to go in. For right now I need to let the clouds clear so I can actually see where I'm going. I believe that, today, I have taken my biggest step. I hope that I will inspire you to find that person you know who probably is not much different than I am. Make them read this. If I can do it, believe me anyone can. Not being drunk actually feels pretty damn good! Well, if you don't hear from me tomorrow then I'm an idiot.

Day 4

Day 4 – Today has been mind-boggling at the least. This is designed to help people get their life straight at the same time I am. I feel I have no choice but to set the example. The weight of setting the example is a heck of a lot lighter than the guilt of all the abuse I cause on others and myself that drug addiction brings. I have so much to think about and there is a very high responsibility on my part to ask for the support of people that don't even know me. So I will say this to you- feed me with your love and I will grow. Day 7 means I have a new decision to make. I thought it would be easy quit smoking but that's not the right choice. I love to drink. I'm pretty intoxicated right now. I love drinking so much that in fact I believe it's gonna be harder than quitting crack. Nevertheless it is the right choice to make. This blog is about making the right choice. Not only for me, but for others like me. I do not want to lead anyone down the wrong road. For the next 3 days I will try to focus on the negative effects of alcohol. Send me some love! This isn't going to be easy to say the least.

P.S. To the people that have commented and emailed me, it is your faith that inspires me. The more I am inspired the further I will go. After all it could be your child that's needs to take this journey that I am embarking on. Think about it. If you don't hear from me tomorrow then I'm an idiot.

James

Day 3

Today,Day 3 of my journey, was a very educational day and not quite as easy as I thought it would be. My only option was to flip it into a learning experience instead of falling off the wagon. I thought I would be the one to inspire but now I realize without the inspiration from others I lose the confidence to believe in my goals. At this point in my life, I feel that without the presence of my daughter, the love from her, the belief that she has in me, and the support she is giving me, that the doubt that I have will grow like a festering infection in my mind. This could all end as fast as it began. She had to go out of town for a couple of days and now my mind is saying to me "Oh no! Please stay strong! Please just survive!" and that is not a good feeling or place for me to be at all. The whole idea and goal of this is to create a life that brings a sense of accomplishment and gratification. I guess I have to accept the fact that there will be many days in the future that it will be up to me to draw the line in the sand. There will be no ifs, ands, or buts-in essence-no excuses. i could easily give up and revert back to my old ways very easily to be honest with you. That would mean I lose everything. I am not strong enough to do this by myself right now. I need my daughter here. I need her love, devotion, and support to give me the inspiration to not only survive but to succeed. I cannot explain the gratitude that I feel for the love and compassion that my daughter offers to others. Today was a lot to take in....a lot to handle....but I learned a lot. I would like to thank my daughter, Hilly, for this new chance on life. If you don't hear from me tomorrow then i failed and I am an idiot.

Day 2

Well I made it back, day 2. My mind has been racing all day about what I was going to say. Yesterday I was pretty nervous and felt like I was going in different directions. Today it's right to the point. The day before yesterday was the beginning of a new idea, a reality book, no proof reading, no editing just day by day trial and error. The book is called, "Book of James" Chapter 1 "The Idiot's Guide to Getting a Life".
This is my starting point. I have taken my first step by eliminating any chance I have to get high on crack. For some reason now that I know I cant get it; I really don't want it.
It's very important to me to stay focused in the right direction. This is meant to be an educational blog for myself and others. Like me, every family has got one, so talk to the one in your family and get them to start their book.

Day 2 :) I feel really good. If you don't hear from me tomorrow then I am an idiot.

P.S. I'm going to go get fireworks for my kids and granddaughter instead of smoking crack! It feels great!

P.S.S. I am going fishing with my daughter, granddaughter, and her boyfriend. Should be a great time at the lake.

Jim

Day 1

Today was a great day, I'm not getting high! I have been to rehab several times NA and AA;
nothing has worked for me. At 40 years old, it seems like i don't know why I am here so i am on my journey to find out and today is Day 1! I have had so many people ask me, "how can somebody so smart, be so stupid?" Well this may come as a shock to some of the people that know me, but it is what it is!

At the age of 11 or 12, i was drinking, smoking cigarettes and pot. I was starting to live in foster homes and I went thru 3 or 4 and then came to live with a man named Scott. He taught me how to work and how important it is to earn what you have, he instilled important values that are still with me today; but I have been lost in every other part of my life.
As for meth, I was only 18 when i started and I was putting needles in my arm at 28! i went to jail for a year, then moved to Tennessee to get away from meth and was successful because there wasn't any good meth in TN at the time so I started smoking crack; and all of the sudden I am 40 and have not a clue as to who I am, or what I believe in, or where the rest of my life is going from here.
How could I let me get here? How have I wasted all these years?

When your life is like mine, it is hard to find a starting point . You just continue avoiding the issue and getting high, it was all i can do, all i can focus on, all I know, and my routine, it rules my life!
Well I have made a decision, last night I found my starting point and I believe it could be the starting point for a lot of people. You see a lot of people that know even if they are not happy with me will tell you that I am pretty intelligent, until it comes to drugs; then yes I am a complete idiot! So it is going to take some pretty simple steps for me to win this fight. So for me, step 1 was to find someone who I can trust and put this idea out there. I couldn't do this sober, I was high on crack and drunk, but as I sat and thought really hard, actually I didn't have to think that hard, the worst problem in my life is crack. I get paid cash every day, and it all goes to crack, beer, and tobacco.
Well one problem at a time. I cannot think of one good reason to keep any of these in my life, so now I am asking myself, "how could somebody so smart, be so stupid?" Is it that easy? Well let's do the math. On crack, the good side is NOTHING! The bad side is it controls you, it leaves you broke, it makes you neglect your family and friends and the list of bad reasons goes on and on.
Am I really that stupid? Really? That's pretty embarrassing!

Step one for me is to remove one problem at a time, the worst problem to start with, CRACK! I would like to think it is that easy, I mean how stupid do you have to be? But according to my history, I am pretty stupid. So I'm going to take the extra steps to insure my success.
1st- take all money out of my hands
2nd- continue to put my life on display, so now you know, so HELP me learn how to be a better person, Help me make a difference in today's world. HELP ME STAY SOBER and influence others to follow.

For the next 7 days, I will think about the next change I need to make.
If you don't hear from me tomorrow, I am a true idiot!

-Jim