Day 62, yes sixty two, that doesn't sound like much time but when you really look at where I was in my life and where I am now, the changes that have been made and my accomplishments up to this point, it seems like I have lived a life time in only two months. As I look back at how I used to look at life, and how I felt inside, I wander how it ever got that bad. I think of how many years I struggled to just get out of bed and face what the world I created for myself was going to throw at me, at least that's the way I used to see it. I now realize I have been spending a life time building my own roadblocks keeping a real life for myself just out of reach. Well it seems ive become an expert in demolition the last two months because now I can not only touch life, im swimming in it. I feel as if I am climbing straight up the ladder two runs at a time, but I must not forget where I came from, all of the knowledge that I have gained standing behind those roadblocks of my life, were all of these roadblocks meaningless, just a waste of my life? I must say I do not believe they were, I have gone through such pain and anxiety, guilt and feeling ashamed of who I was, seeing that disappointed look on peoples faces when ive let them down. Standing behind these road blocks has not only filled me with such compation for others like me, it has also given me the know how to reach people like me, to help people like me, my heart breaks when I know there are others that want so bad to live right and feel the joy of life but cant seem to find there way out of the darkness. Im learning life can be scary when your not on drugs, it can also be very lonely, and when you are used to being high every day and you are not any longer, these new to you feelings seem to be magnified 10 times.
When I came to Okmulgee it was for a better job, a change in my life and scenery, before I left Chattanooga I was on a mission to get this blog out to as many people as I possibly could because I believe it will not only educate, but save lives and I believe up to this point it has done just that. Since ive came to Oklahoma ive been so concentrated on my job Ive kind of lost focus on getting the message out to the world, well yesterday I went to the paper here, finally, and asked if they would not only do a story but print my post every day, I told them I want looking for money, just to help, he told me that its hard to find room and a lot of people were trying to get stories in the paper, but he didn't say no and he's reading it tonight. He will let me know in a day or two. I hope when he reads it he will find it interesting enough to at least do a story on, life is a very strange thing, two months ago I hated working but needed the money to get high, today I spend hours a day working on this blog and I do if for free, not wanting to get paid, I do it for the love of life, and not just mine, for everyone, James
Jimmy you have roots in Oklahoma.....Your mother was born there and I have joyful memories of early childhood there. So perhaps Oklahome will give you taste of being home, of being needed. We are all old Okies... I drove thru Olka home two years ago.......it was so beautiful and I knew that a part of me was formed in that wonderful state.......so put some roots down and enjoy..........Aunt P.
ReplyDeleteJames-what you said-these new to you feelings-when youre used to being mind altered by your drug of choice-gosh that just touched a nerve in me-its so easy to run back to that drug when life starts to wear on you,doesnt it-thats what you are helping me see every day-that i cant run back and get numb just because life gets in my way-and yesterday when i read your post the first thing i thought was man 2 months clean-thats huge in and of itself-if you only help one person that one person will pass that on and jimmy thats what life is all about-being honest and good and caring-take care-thanks for all your kind words-cynthia
ReplyDeleteJim, 62 days is HUGE when you think of where you were that many days ago! And I can tell from Cynthia's messages that you ARE making a difference in her life too! So I want to continue to follow both of you, as it's really heartwarming to see the wonderful choices & changes that happen with each passing day. God Bless! Nancy
ReplyDeleteJim, I hear you! When you're enslaved to your addiction, and you can't see any way out, but then somehow, by God's grace, you break free, you want to tell the whole world! And, really, it's your duty to do so! What power you have right now! There are thousands, even millions, who would love to do what you have accomplished in two months, and the longer you remain clean, the more powerful you become.
ReplyDeleteJust remember to give God the glory every day, because without Him, you could not have done what you've accomplished, and without Him you could not remain clean. Also, as I'm sure you know, it's important to continue to mature and make progress in life's journey. There are still character flaws, and some other addictions you need to deal with, I'm sure. How are you coming along with your tobacco addiction? I haven't heard anything about that lately.
We are all very proud of you, so keep up the good work!
Blessings,
Jack
Jimmy, you really, really have come a long way in a short time. sure, 62 days is short in some respects, be eons in others. You have helped many people see the world in a different way. Cynthia is writting much clearer and obviously is doing well. I, myself, see the world in a slightly different way every day and much of that is because of having you in my life again. Yes, the world can seem lonely and scary at times, but I hope you take some comfort in knowing that so many people love and respect you so much! YOU are doing it for YOU and making those changes that you need to make to live the life you want...no one else! Pat yourself on the back everyday because you are strong, smart and very much loved! Karin
ReplyDeleteTwo Months down. How long are you going to be in Oklahoma? You are doing great --stay strong. Love you Jimmy. ~dg
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