Day 39, well I have passed my biggest test to date, I feel very confused this morning and have a lot of things in my head to work out. Yesterday seemed to be very long and lonely, over the past week or so I have been realizing that all of the new friends I have made and the old friends that I have become reacquainted with live to far away for me to visit, the only person I have here to spend time with is my daughter and she has gotten back to her busy life of school and being a mother. This has left me spending a lot of time alone and it is starting to wear on me. Since I started rebuilding my life some of the people that were in it didn't want me around anymore and I was ok with that because I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I thought when they see how good I am doing things will change,I now know this is not the case. Last night, after a very long and lonely day I felt I was hit by a sledge hammer, I will not get into details as this is not about pointing the finger at anyone, this is about learning how to deal with the shots life takes at you. Well this is the hardest that I had been hit in my thirty nine days of actually living, I witnessed betrayal, I felt anger, serious thoughts of violence and then the hurt set in. It was all I could do to get to the safety of my daughters house as fast as possible so I could figure this out before my past ways took over. I woke up this morning with no smile on my face and no tears of joy coming from my heart, just a mind full of despair. I have thought long and hard this morning and have come to the realization that this is living, learning, and part of loving, I will not lay down to life and I will not let it kick me around without a fight. Today I make a commitment to myself, yes myself, and to all that are in my life, I will not be weakened by this world, I will use all the hurt it has to offer to gain strength, even on my worst day I will spend my time trying to inspire all that will listen, just because I am not smiling today does not mean I cannot put a smile on somebody else's face, I am not smiling today but the strength of ten men has grown to eleven. This will help me lead the way to a better life for all. James
Ps I would like to say thank you to all that have commented, I believe they are the key to success for the people that are ready to begin a new life, ml I have not lost faith in you, I'll be here whenever you're ready. James
Well I feel it a must to pss all of you once again, I stopped on my way home from work to check my email and there was a new message, when I read it all the feelings I had been through yesterday seem to be replaced with joy once again, extreme joy. I am so happy that I am not high so I will remember the ups and downs of this roller coaster, it is an unforgettable ride at this point, Cynthia is getting aboard tomorrow, tears of joy once again, I hope that all of you keep her in your hearts and prayers, aaaahhhhhhh the things life has to offer. James
Jimmy, please keep on keeping on. Remember you have helped a lot of people, you have helped me and i always thought i would have those feelings forever. Thanks your friend forever
ReplyDeleteso worried about you this mornig when you didnt post could somehow tell something was wrong in your life please dont let this wicked world get the best of you be there for me ok talk to you later-cynthia
ReplyDeleteHey cynthia again rereading what you had posted earlier yes being alone is hard i too am by myself now but we got to think about the times we were with others and getting high with them we were alone even then take care its nice to know you care about me means SO much
ReplyDeleteJimmy go to an AA meeting, it is surprising how helpful those people can be. I have many friends who are recovering after 20 years and still count on the friends and connections they met at those meeting, plus they are good networking oppertunities.......one of my friends owned a pool cleaning business and he used to hire all his help from the guys who needed help at AA meeting......he had been sober for about 20 years and said he still needed the support. Try it. What have you got to lose.......Aunt P
ReplyDeletePS......the groups in San Diego were hard party people without booze but with lots of fun....they had a halloween party every years that was bonkers............make friends
Whewww, I too was concerned about not seeing a post from you today, considering this was going to be the first day I actually wanted to post something to you to show you how much of a positive impact you are having on others, that you don't even know. I had to come back just to make sure you were ok, if you need to reach out to someone, just to talk and share stories with, I will be more than happy to be that person. Meetings are good, but for me, kind of like a gym, I feel intimidated at times, even when I shouldn't. Please feel free to email me at anytime and we can just be honest with one another, might open up more opportunities for both of us. God Bless You James. See You tomorrow, Steve.
ReplyDeleteMaybe going to an AA meeting just to connect with some local people wouldn't be such a bad idea. One thing that's important though is to find a group that's right for you, where you feel very comfortable. My dad joined AA in 1945 and was active in AA all his life and sponsored many people till he died in 2001. And he made some lifelong friends in AA. If you manage to make your "Guide to Getting Your Life Back" into a book, I'm sure that it would be helpful to all the AA members too. You have every reason to be very proud of yourself and what you've accomplished, Jim. And remember one thing: even those of us who have not battled addictions have days where we wake up feeling down or out of sorts. Life is somewhat of a roller coaster at times for all of us. Take care, Nancy Bagby
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when so many of your supporters are far away - I am in California - but lucky for you that you can make connections via your blog. My troubled family member is also in another state, living in a motel and begging relatives to pay for it week to week. And that is the only time anyone ever hears from him. You give me hope, thanks Jim.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you know this blog, I'm sure, has been a huge support to you, but it's still just a blog. Having a physical social support group such as AA or something similar, I agree, is a good idea. There is nothing like having someone you can call when you're feeling all alone to boost your spirits, especially when the person you call is one of your cheerleaders, and that from someone who doesn't mind being alone a lot of the time. Anyway, my e-mail address is guitmartiman@gmail.com if you ever want to talk. If you e-mail me, I'll send you my cell number. I'd really like to meet you sometime. You're the kind of person I'd love to get to know.
ReplyDeleteYou sure put a smile on my face today honey!!! I'm sorry I haven't been following the last week or so, been trying to get my health stuff taken care of. But you are in my daily thoughts and prayers. And also your friend Cynthia. I'm catching up now that I have time to sit and read and process!! I love your life Jim!!! Paula
ReplyDelete