Day 47 well its seven thirty, I seem to be sleeping longer, I don't know if it's because I'm so wore out or I'm just not looking forward to the day in front of me, either way I'm not happy with it. I want to go back to getting up at five thirty looking forward to what's ahead of me, are these feelings something I can control or do I just have to accept them and fight my way through these rough days. I guess that it is important that these feelings are here for me to learn about, find a way to deal with them and get past them, I do believe there are brighter days just beyond the horizon, and if I have to trample through the mud to get there I will. I will not go back to my old way of life, my worst day three times over is still better than any day I can remember from my past life.
I believe ive figured out where some of this depression is coming from and this need for companionship. I am a very caring and giving person who gets a lot of joy from knowing ive contributed to someone else's life, making their life easier or happier, this is a big part of who I am and I need this in my life, if I stop focusing on what I can do for others and only focus on myself my since of purpose seems to go away allowing doubt and a since of worthlessness to start creeping back into my life. the more time I spend helping others is time spent on myself, when I make someone smile, I can bring a smile to my face all day long just by simple thoughts of that person, I have almost forgotten that this blog is not just for me, it is for all that it may help, thank you Steve for reminding me to go back over what I have accomplished so far, it seems I easily forget yesterday. I have had all day to try to figure this out, and I have decided to pay closer attention to how I feel, I do not believe that if these negative feelings come upon me that I must live in them, I believe I have the power to push them out of my head and replace them with thoughts I should be focusing on. Like how I can make the world a better place just by being a better person, I will try not to dwell on all the what ifs and focus on doing what I believe to be right in every aspect of my life. I have made great decisions up until now so I have no reason to question my judgment.
Jimmy Please consider AA.........most of the feelings you have, they talk about.....I think you need suppost and you could get some extra support there..........Please Love Aunt Paula........I'll be on and more off the internet for the next few days.......I'll be thinking about you and will weight in whenever I can.
ReplyDeleteJames, once again you have proven to me, but most of all to yourself, that you can make it thru the bad times.....you came back today. Unfortunately, I think we have to just get thru the mud and junk of some days, just to remind us of how special the other wonderful days are, that we "IN THOSE MOMENTS" might take for granted. If it were not for the struggles, we would not appreciate the Triumphs, and you have shown alot more Triumphs throughout this process than struggles. You have definately given me strength and encouragement, with your words of wisdom on days when I have been down, therefore, that is what "YOUR FRIENDS" are for, to remind you to keep your chin up and KEEP LOOKING UP! Your the Man James....God Bless You and Things will get better.
ReplyDeleteJimmy, yes, keep looking forward...the world needs you, needs more people like you, needs your support and smiles. You do help people every day. You help your kids, you help your friends, your extended family. You help us all see life in a different light, you help us to see ourselves in a different light. We all have days that we just feel like we want to strangle someone, or crawl in a hole and sleep for the next month. I know sometimes it gets really hard and might seem pointless. Look in the eyes of your kids and friends and tell us it's pointless! It would be very hard for your kids and friends to see you sad! You help us every day with your words of wisdom and thoughts that we all have. You help us everyday by overcoming your obstcles becasue when we see you do it, we know we can do it too. Tomorrow will be brighter! Love you much! Karin
ReplyDeleteHey everyone-as someone who has walked in these same shoes, it's not so easy to try new things,meet new people, do new "stuff" because of the way our old "user" brain keeps telling us we're worthless-we may not feel that way anymore but down deep, some things are simply hard to break-i believe that you,james, will definitely get there but those old ways of thinking still get to you at times-reading and following and praying for you every day-still trying to get myself on board, so you do the same back for me-cynthia
ReplyDeleteWay to go, Cynthia! That's the kind of encouragement Jim needs! And as you get on board, you'll be helping yourself, and Jim and others along the way! That's what it means when Paul the apostle says in Hebrews, "let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works." To provoke each other to good works means to take even baby steps to help ourselves which encourages others to do the same as they see the good effect it has on us.
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you and Jim.
Jack
Chattanooga State has a continuing education class on creative writing. It costs $125.oo and meets on Monday night 6:00 to 8:30. It is a beginning class...I don't know where the class is held or how you register but it might be a way to meet new people.I found it by googling creative writing. You may not be ready for something like this but you never know. Don't pay your money until you find out if you can get it back if you don't like the class. Sometimes we are alone inside ourselves and it doesn't matter how many people we have around us.
ReplyDeleteI think a good exercise would be for you to think only about ways to help yourself for just one day in your life. By being an actualized person; by being the best person we are capable of being we do help everyone around us. I know it is counter-intuitive but just try it once. ~d
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