Day 42 first of all I would like to thank a couple of people, Karin and Nancy, for not only the support but also believing in what I am trying to accomplish, Nancy I think of your son quite often, thoughts of him are a great motivation to me. Karin I have to thank you for going out of your way to get the word out on this blog and more than that. I would like everyone that reads this blog to know that Karin has spent a lot of time nurturing me back to health and teaching me about the bonds and commitment of a true friendship. She has taken the time to tell me everyday that she believes in me and that has slowly squashed my self doubt and given me the strength to stand on my own two feet and talk loudly about what I believe to be right. Because of this commitment and bond I feel a responsibility to her feelings in my decision making process, you have taught me a lot Karin and I have no intentions of keeping this knowledge hidden from the rest of the world, I will share this new found love that friendship brings with all that I know and those that I meet, thank you Karin. I would like to get back to Nancy for a moment, it is odd how people are thrown into our lives, I worked on two movies with Cindy, Nancies daughter, both on the west coast, oddly enough Cindy lived in Nashville, another coincidence, well after we finished the second movie we just so happened to be on the same flight home so I hung out with Cindy and her boyfriend until our flight the following day , we went sailing with another friend from the movie and I got so drunk all I remember was cutting out an I patch and acting like a pirate the whole time we were out. Well when the night was over and we went back to Cindies parents house we were greeted by her mother, I was so drunk I had already been passed out in the car for an hour or so but this woman made me feel right at home, I remember her making us all ice cream. This is the important part, this woman had a son named jimmy who is no longer with us, at the age of 30 his life was taken by drug addiction, his eyes were closed to life for what reason we may never know, but one thing I do know is I cannot even imagine the pain and hurt this wonderful woman had to deal with, my heart breaks for her. So I make this promise to you Nancy, I will spend my life trying to open peoples eyes to life so that their families and friends will not have to suffer the unbearable pains that you have suffered, your life experiences have now become mine and I will use them to open all the eyes that I can to this wonderful life we are able to live.
To comment three, you are absolutely right, I have been so focused on other people that ive gotten a little side tracked, I must say thank you, I do not want to loose focus on my life and what is important to me, and that is dealing with my own every day ups and downs because if I let them pile up I am sure to be right back where I started, thank you once again. One of your questions was about aa, I will offer two of my opinions on aa so I will not be understood, I believe aa to be an outstanding organization that helps a lot of people but it is not for me, I cannot handle the endless stories of drugs and alcohol, it keeps them on my mind all the time and the more I think of them the more chance I have of using, In this new life that I am living my full concentration is on taking steps to fix the problems of the past and then focus on making the changes in my life so I may walk with my head held high, im sure that aa is similar to what im doing but ive never spent enough time there to know, I just never felt welcome their.
As for my son I had a great time working with him, he is very smart and a good worker, he definitely made my job easier while he was there, its so nice to spend time with him, I hope more opportunities like that come up. I believe we will have great relationship in the future.
As for my boss and the race car I have been waiting patiently, he has told me two Tuesdays in a row that we are going to the track to practice and both Tuesdays he got to busy to go, it has been very disappointing both times, ive come to the realization that I will believe it when I see it and im not holding my breathe. I am finding that im not very happy at my job at all, and seeing that I spend a lot of time there something needs to be done about this, I will either have to find a way to be happy or find another job, I refuse to be unhappy for forty ours a week of my life, there's got to be a solution and I know I can find it as long as I am looking for it, more tomorrow on that subject as I am very tired and have the gym to go to in the morning, thanks to all for reading, James
Just a note to tell you I am proud of you and know that you will do what is best for you and your life and family...........Aunt P
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how you can open up about so many things and I'm sure that just gives your friends and family more motivation to want to continue to help you in every aspect. That is definately something I am continuing to work on. What you said about AA is true in many ways and I had never really looked at it the way you explained it, but I do agree, everyday, drug and alcohol related stories are told, which to me, brings up the past, which I really do not care to relive day after day. James have a great day tomorrow and focus on you and your family. God Bless
ReplyDeleteWow, day 42. I know it doesn't sound like very long to some people, but to me, and I am sure Jimmy too, it sounds like almost a different lifetime. How many of us can say that we have tried for 42 straight days to quit something that was making our lives miserable yet had become almost part of who we are? When anyone has been doing something for so many years, I don't care what it is, it becomes ingrained in your mind starts to be part of the person you are, or at least think you are. Jimmy, just looking and listening to the person who started writing 42 days ago, we can see so much of the real person you are, your mind is clearer sounding, your thoughts flow more easily. I know you still have a lifetime of days to live but 42 is so awesome! It is so good to see you happy!! Love you much, Karin
ReplyDeleteJust wanna commend you Jimmy! I have seen in my life many a thing come and many go, I've made a lot of money and watched it go during this economy. I lost a wife that I loved dearly and worked my whole life for the future of her and our children.
ReplyDeleteI didn't loose her to death but after our 2nd child I believe she slipped into post pardon depression and would not admit it or get help, by the time we had our 4th child things were pretty bad and she slipped away. When our youngest was 3 ten years ago she walked out on us and has never recovered. For the last 10 years Jimmy I've tried to hold on with everything I have raising my children and working.
I had issues with alcohol and even drugs through all this until 7 yrs ago.
I believe as I am trying to say I've seen things come and go and suffered the utter most losses in my life. I've defeated and have been defeated. I have succeeded and failed yet today as I was working the job I do have now for less than I have ever worked for in my life, I looked at the girl taking care of my transactions and thought no matter what we do in life nothing is secure or promised. We can't guarantee a job tomorrow. America has found this out lately.
What you have here Jimmy is secure and I commend you. If I could only put aside my troubles and do as God has called me as a minister, many would see powerful transformations in many lives.
You Jimmy are doing something that can bring security to ones soul no matter the battle nor the sufferings.
I wish I could not be so consumed by my struggles and sufferings to do what I am called to do.
Stay strong my friend and please pray for me and my children.
I love you brother and thank God for you!
Jim, you really are very good at expressing yourself and I believe that these daily blogs have helped you stay on track. As Karin said, 42 days is really a lifetime to somebody who's had so many years of using. I got to thinking about AA too, and I think you're right. Whenever I'd visit my dad down in Northern Calif., I'd go to his AA meetings with him, and it is pretty tiring after awhile to hear the same stories of using over & over again; especially when you're trying to move on and stay clean & sober. What you're doing is a lot better....making a new life and new beginnings! And sharing this with others, and probably helping a lot of people who need encouragement in the process. Am praying for Cynthia as I think your reaching out to her is eventually going to help her to get well too. (Cindy's birth name is Cynthia too.....a name I decided on when I was only 11 years old.) By the way, Jim, drunk or not, I really enjoyed meeting you and thought you had a great personality. Our Jimmy had a great personality too, and I know that he would have enjoyed meeting you. I'm still trying to figure out how to get one of the ministers or helpers at the Portland Teen Challenge ministry, to connect to your wonderful daily writings. I believe in you and that you are going to make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I appreciated your nice comments about meeting me too. That was really sweet of you. God Bless You, Jim
ReplyDeleteNancy B.
Jim, I liked it that your blog returned to a focus on your journey. I know you have good intentions for helping others, and eventually you will be strong enough to help provide support to others. Your kids deserve to get a whole lot of your attention and support for years to come, before strangers. Use your words to serve others, but don't let them take you back into the cycle of addiction. I am worried that you don't see the danger there...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your boss's promise didn't make it to fruitation, but wasn't it a wonderful, inspiring thing when he made it? It is sad when we don't get what was promised, but please make it sad not angry. Sometimes other people don't see what is important to someone else. I think it is wonderfull that you are pulling out memories of things that happened in the past and looking at them differently.
ReplyDeleteMoving forward in your life is the inspiration that is strengthing others.
There is a balance in life that one needs to strive for. Sometimes the best way to help others is to succeed yourself. "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul" (Matt. 16:26)? Success is not defined as much by what we accomplish as by who we love and who loves us. Jim, keep helping others as you have opportunity and God leads, but don't forget your most important flock, your children and grandchildren. Be there for them before you are there for others. Repair as many bridges as you can with your own family before you construct new ones with strangers. Preach the gospel of recovery. Use words only when necessary. Your friend, Jack
ReplyDeleteI don't f**k much with the past but I f**k plenty with the future."
ReplyDelete— Patti Smith
I will say I know people that wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for AA but I believe everyone must walk their own path and move through life in the way that works for them. Love you man. ~dg