Day 36 well today is my first day at the gym, its five in the morning and I'm sitting in the parking lot getting ready to go in, the reason I came so early is because ive never been to a gym before and I feel a little intimidated trying something new that I know nothing about, and it's not that I'm that unhealthy, cause I'm not, ive worked hard all my life and even with all the drugs and alcohol and smoking I can still just about out work most people, I think anyway. Well I guess it's time for me to get this first visit over with and do away with this intimidation, talk to you in a bit. Well its five forty and now I kind of know what I'm doing, just like most things in life that intimidate us, the more you learn about it the less intimidating it is, I am glad I have taken this step.
Today I would like to reflect on how I have found such peace and happiness in my life, people reading this may think hey, it was his time, or he finally hit bottom and was ready to take the steps to quit. It was my time twenty eight years ago when I started and I know I hit bottom at least twenty years ago but I just couldn't quit. I did not care or love myself enough, I would make promises to myself all the time, tonight's my last night, constantly for over a decade, I could not keep a promise to myself no matter how hard I tried. I'm starting to realize it is because I did not believe in myself; ive had more people believe in me than most others, I think, but it has never been consistent, due to my constant screw-up's. I have never had any type of stability in my life and have learned that if I screw up all I have to do is move somewhere else for a while, I have no problem moving to a new town, getting a new job and starting a new life, ive done many a many a times before, it seems to be easy for me. I have been to jail twice and rehab three times, twice by my own accord. So please believe me when I say every addict wants to be clean but without some type of hope for a better life they cannot find their way out of the hole. That brings me to my point, when I started this blog I had absolutely no hope, and I sit here clean today not because of my will to stay clean but because of the love that was shown to me through this blog, that love gave me a reason to keep a promise, but that promise was not to myself, it was to the people not only sharing their love but also holding me accountable, because if it was a promise to myself I would have failed once again. I am at day thirty six and yesterday was the first day that I realized I am finally starting to love and care about myself, now I am ready to keep a promise to myself. You see for me, there was no way I could've just quietly stayed clean, I had to make myself accountable to the world, I have no idea who's reading this or watching me so if I screwed up this time there was a comment box for anyone to call me out, and there's no up and moving because the internet goes a little further than my neighborhood. I believe if your addiction is as bad as mine was you will not start living until you own your addiction and put it on the front page for everyone to read, I am ashamed of the way I used to live my life but I no longer live in shame, since I made the front page I live with pride and confidence. It is very very important that I let everyone who reads this know that it was not my will power that has brought me here, it was the love and encouragement from the people reading this that has inspired me to continue and the accountability of being on front street that has kept me from slipping, thank all of you for bringing me a new life. ml, Cynthia, and anyone else out there ready to join in on this happiness, email me, we will get you started. I will continue to stand strong for myself and all of you. James
Man James, you said something and I have to wonder if addiction and drug use evolve from a social culture. I was sitting in a neighborhood called the crest at my pastors house, while remodeling I was taking a break and staring out the kitchen window out through the streets. This neighborhood is a predominately black, gang infested, drug infest neighborhood with only three ways in and out. As I stared out the window I asked God Lord what do these people need, how do you reach them? Then I had a vision, these people know no other way, it is an endless circle that is cultured and evolves constantly as it grows from generation to generation. If you handed these folks the opportunity to live a legitimate lifestyle they would not know how to steward it. Many would even turn down the responsibility.
ReplyDeleteI spoke to a lady yesterday at work about her brother who was bound in a drug life. It came to my spirit, they teach us so much in school math, english,science, history You name. There is no class though that teaches us to handle and conquer lifes adversities and struggles. No one cultures us in healthy family ethics and love. These ethics and love and the strength to do right and overcome adversity is lost in this nation.
It has been given up to Alcohol, Nicotine, Marijuana and pills to escape the hardships.
Hardened hearts have taken over for generations and survival of the fittest has taken to the streets dominating other people to subdue their own insecurities.
Ethical behaviors and love have been lost in adversity.
Abilities to lift one another up and set them to travel on a right road has gone afar stray.
The bible says narrow is the path and few there are that find it.
It is seemingly right even if you were to eliminate God that the path to do right has been overgrown by thickets
The road is rough and splintery if you have not the right tour guide for the journey.
To believe that by my own will I had written such would be blasphemy against God as he has used my tongue many times to deliver such a truth.
God Bless you Jimmy! Love Ya Man!
Well, I don't know, Legacy. I think there are still a few people who would make good mentors, but mostly you're right. We have reached a time in our history and culture when the love of many waxes cold. We are forced to gather warmth from the coldness of others. Most of us don't have many good examples of how to live righteous and holy lives that we can emulate. We must learn from the Master by reading His Word, and asking the Holy Spirit to be our Guide. We can't just depend on good fathers and mothers and pastors and teachers, because many times they will fail us and even lead us down the wrong road. We have come to a time when we must depend on our heavenly Father to show us His ways and teach us His paths. But take courage, Jim, where sin doth abound, God's grace doth much more abound!
ReplyDeleteJust a quick note......nothing profound, but I bet you'll look great Buff.........not gonna get into anything else.....going to bed XX00 Aunt P
ReplyDeleteKeep it going. You are making us proud. I don't always post..but I check everyday to see if you are here.
ReplyDeleteHey Jimmy. This is a another solid post. The gym is definitely a good idea, don't hesitate to ask for help in technique and breathing from both other patrons and the staff. Start slow and ease into it.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like this format is working for you and all of your supporters here really want to see succeed. We are here watching supporting in our small way but I think it is so encouraging to hear you circle back into yourself and question what happened and where you are now. You are being very holistic about all this and that is so important. We love you man. ~dg
Hi Jimmy! I am not sure if you remember me or not but I have two beautiful children with your brother Danny. I have sat here today and read your blog from Day 1 to the present and just wanted to say I am proud of you. I had my ups and downs with meth and cocaine for a few years - spent some time in jail - wasn't exactly the best mother, daughter, or sister. Everyone had wrote me off and given up on me and that left me feeling more hopeless and turning to drugs was the ONLY answer I knew. You are SO right when you talk about if just one person plants the seed in you that it can be better - it WILL be better. I met my husband the day after I got out of jail the last time I was there and he really cared about what was going on with me and then all of a sudden I wanted to be a better person - for him , for myself ,my children, and for the world. He essentally saved my life and I will forever be gratefull for that. I have been clean for 4 years 7 months and 10 days and I am sure there will always be a day in my life where I think about drugs, but I can tell you being sober is soooo much more rewarding than the alternative. I wish you nothing but the best Jimmy and I know you can do it!! You are an insipration to people and I will continue to follow your journey!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, unless you are superman, I don't know ANYONE who doesn't get even a little intimidated by the gym. Try living in California! It's like "beautiful people hell"! So, if you can, I have found going on the more "off times" at the gym means you are woring out with little old men and ladies...then they just think you are hot because you are young!!! Anyway, just remember, we all find it even a little intimidating!
ReplyDeleteOh, happiness, why can it be so elusive? I agree, many people try to find it in pills, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping, food, whatever. I personally have to look at my life EVERY DAY and take stock of the in-tangible, un-touchable things that make me happy. My child hugging me and I can smell his hair, laying in the grass and finding shapes in the clouds, being in nature, cooking good food, admiring art, making art! Dancing, laughing....Besides food and art, they are all free!!! Just sitting back and thinking about stuff like that helps me to get the "relaxed" feeling you are talking about. Think about what makes YOU happy, not stuff, but the things in life that money cannot buy! Love ya, K in SD
james-cynthia from work-u made me cry tonight-too damn much in common-keep in touch thru this-gonna help me get my messed up self there I HOPE-pray for me i need it jimmy
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