Day 38 well I almost talked myself out of going to the gym this morning because I'm still very sore from Thursday, but it seems I found a new motivation in my life when I read the comments this morning. I would like all of you to please read the eighth comment on day 36 so you will have a better understanding of what I'm talking about. I never imagined I would be at such a wonderful place in my life, it is only day 38 for me but I feel like I have the strength of ten men, life is getting harder for me each and every day, there are decisions to make, doubts to fight, and everyday battles that pop up out of nowhere. But I am for once in my life fighting these everyday battles with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart that I have never known before. This new life that I am living would have never started without the love and support that I have received from not only friends and family, but a lot of people I did not even know. I know ive said all this before but today I'm going somewhere else with it so please pay attention. Because of all of you I have gained the self worth and love for myself that I needed to begin living a very honest and happy life, I am now able to make the right decisions when those bad thoughts come into my mind, and believe me they still do. Not only that but I am working full time, and I am able to drive around with money in my pocket without the fear of letting myself down once again. This is not something that just popped in my head, this is something that all of you had to keep reminding me day after day after day. THAT I AM WORTHWHILE. I am now at a point in my life that I am starting to believe this and I have never felt more proud of myself and where I am going, but this journey is just beginning for me and that brings me to my point, I know I am not in a position to ask anything from the people reading this blog, the support I have received has already been overwhelming to say the least but I will ask anyway, there is a reader named Cynthia that needs the same love and support that I have been receiving since day 1 , I want her to feel the same love in her heart as I do but I cannot show her this alone, I ask that you talk to her through your comments and help her gain the strength that she needs to be able to wake up with a smile on her face and a love for life. Cynthia I want you to know thirty nine days ago I was under the belief that I had absolutely nothing to offer this world, as a matter of fact I thought it would be better off without me, but I was wrong. I now believe that I can save lives and I will continue trying to do this for many years to come, I am no better than you and if you can just get past your doubts and start believing in yourself I think you will find that love and happiness that everyone seeks and just so you know I have been praying for you since the day I read your first email this blog has been written with love. James
Ps, I am posting at eight thirty in the morning, my last post was only ten hours ago but felt this could not wait till this evening, thank you, James
Dear Cynthia, I don't know where to start becasue I do not know you. I know nothing about you at all, except that you work with Jimmy. Being in close proximity to Jimmy might just be your first step to getting you life back. Jimmy, you write about people posting comments on your blog, people that have lots of solutions or input about problems, that have never been under the spell of drugs. OK, first, I started smoking cigarettes at 11 years old, first smoked pot at 12 and was doing speed by 14. I tried coke a few times but coke and me never really hit it off. I probably got through most of high school on speed because I could study my ass off with it and then, I never ate anything, so I was skinny. I honestly didn't think there was anything worng with it at the time. I thought, wow, the perfect diet pill, what could be better? I do remember every time I would do a line, it would involve leaning over the mirror and seeing myself do the line. I remember looking into the mirror and thinking, how sad, look at you, you're smarter than this! But apparently I wasn't at the time. Thankfully I haven't really done any illegal drugs in many years. I don't know why I stopped but it probably wasn't becasue I thought they were bad for me or might screw up my life or something. It prpbably because at some point some boyfriend said they were ugly or said some tweeker girl was ugly or it became a joke to talk about "druggies" or something. How I came to stop using drugs is beyond me, it just happened. My problem, my real problem, then and now is caring what other people think about me. In my teen age years, I made some really stupid choices, dangerous choices, things I should be dead from, and I did them ALL because I thought it mattered what other people thought was cool. It seems I overly care and try to please everyine, all the time, every day. Every day I go out and I think to myself, am I too fat, am I too blonde, am I not a good mother, are my kids going to be OK, do I spend too much, does my work really see or care how hard I work, am I eating healthy, does this outfit make my ass look big????? I know these seem like stupid things to stress about but to me they are part of me and a huge stress in my life. To not be comfortable with who you are is VERY stressful. I am only telling you this because I truely believe that EVERYONE has huge stressors, huge mountains to climb, huge battles to fight, within themselves, every day. I do not want to make light of drugs or alcohol, pick your poison. But, I know that everyone has demons they deal with every day. Some of them can be seen on the outside, and some are very, very buried. If a person has a drug problem or alcohol problem, the world might be able to see that. But if your issues are something that are in your head, it's not something that is easy to get away from, yourself.
ReplyDeleteSo, if I offer advice or words of wisdom, please understand that part of this is my mantra, every day. If I keep telling myself, I will feel better about myself. And maybe if I shead some light on how I get through the day, it might make a difference to someone else.
I love you Jimmy, thanks for loving me back:) K in SD
Everything in moderation - even the "good" things. Remember that your body has endured decades of stress, and don't push the fitness routine too hard yet. How is the quitting smoking going? PS You have been blessed with great kids!
ReplyDeleteCynthia, my dad has been an addict for as long as I can remember and I have heard him say time and time again he wanted to get clean and I believed him everytime and never doubted him even though he always fell off the wagon. This time he is doing better then any other time and I am so proud of him! He is such a smart man with a big heart and puts people before himself all the time.I am overwhelmed with happiness that he is staying clean and doing this for himself for a change! And we are all here to say if he can do it, you can do it too! We will support you as much as we can. I may never meet you, or laugh with you or cry with you but you have my support and love and we would love to hear your story so join in on this new journey and know we're always hear to listen, talk, cry and laugh!
ReplyDeleteLove always,
Hilary
Cynthia, I do not know you but I know James.I wish for you all the happiness and self worth you need to make it in life, the main thing is never give up always have faith. I have had things to happen to me that made me feel dirty,useless and not worth living. these feelings I have carried with me since I was in the sixth grade, but they have been lifted from my shoulders when i met back up with James he said something to ease my burdens,without even knowing it so I want to thank him very much. What I am trying to say is hold on,have faith you never know which person in your life is the one God sent to be your angel to help you.
ReplyDeleteCynthia, Hi, my name is Jack and I am a sinner saved by grace. My father was an alcoholic, and a sex addict. I am his son, and I have the same propensities. I quit drinking when I turned 21 because that's when I met Jesus, but if I hadn't, I would, no doubt, be an alcoholic today. I am not a womanizer like my dad was, but I can say that it is a blessing to me that I have very limited vision, because I believe it has saved me from a multitude of sins. I don't know what you're struggles are, but I will gladly pray for you and with you. Dear Father in heaven, please bless Cynthia and give her the courage to face her demons and rebuke them in Jesus' name. Amen.
ReplyDeleteHi Cynthia my name is Craig I knew Jimmy many years ago and we both stood the same ground then. It has been a very long road for all of us but you are here with us now. Please sit back and breathe and know that there are people out there cheering you on. I don't know you but I will say I love you, I love you because we all have came pretty much from the same place and now meeting on this road we are striving to get to the same place, a better place. I have been clean and sober for 8 years now been in the church for 15 and now am a licensed minister in the Pentecostal Assemblies of the World. Even with all my accomplishments I still depend on the love of my kindred folks, You are family Cynthia and I thank God for you.
ReplyDeleteLord in your name I life Cynthia up to you Lord I ask Lord that you touch her heart mind and soul and draw them to you Lord. Give her strength and the mind to overcome all things. Lord love her Lord and draw her close to you Lord show her that you are there and let nothing waver her faith. Lord Jesus I love you and I lift all these up to you right now in your mighty holy and eternal name. In the name of Jesus I pray.
Jimmy, Cynthia and all else here. I love you all you're kindred and may God Bless You and empower your souls in his will!
P.S. I will add my facebook URL for anyone that may want to message me and add me, just so you know I'm there. Please send me a friends request Cynthia if you have a facebook.
this is cynthia-thanks to james for telling yall about me-thanks to yall for your kind words-tomorrow will be monday august 9-i am going to try and let that be my "starting point" as james called it for him-wish me strength and thank you james for being honest and true
ReplyDeleteJames, somehow I can across your blog last week and it inspired me, so much, that I realized again, I could not give up and needed to try and make a change. Not that I haven't tried before, I've done the rehab, the AA meetings, etc., etc., but this time, with a friend, I decided I would try to once again begin the process of DETOX, I began on Tuesday, August 3, 2010, at my home, and as of now "Sunday, August 8, 2010, I haven't drank or done anything else that I am ashamed of as a person. I believe with GOD, people like you and friends, that can share their experience, we can and will overcome. GO TO THE GYM AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO PEOPLE THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW AND HAVEN'T EVEN MET....YET GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR JOURNEY. See You Tomorrow, Buddy. Stay Strong.
ReplyDeleteWow. I am late to the party. I am playing catch-up with the blog and I am a little overwhelmed by the beauty of this. Jimmy for not only begining to turn your life around and how happy that truly makes me but also by the grace of everyone here that has supported you and are now spreading their love and support to others that are coming to this site and needing support.
ReplyDelete"So shines a good deed in a weary world." ~Shakespeare (DG)