Day 40, well it is six in the morning and I feel great, I am looking forward to today, my son Harley is going to work with me. He only has two days until he starts school and since I'm not at home anymore I don't get to see him very much so it should be a good day. I'd like to talk about this project t I started forty days ago and try to break down how it has worked for me so far. It seems when I started this I had no idea what I was doing or what the outcome would be, I just knew I was absolutely miserable and nothing could be worse than how I had felt for all those previous years. I also knew there was no way I could I could quit quietly, ive spent the last twenty eight years letting myself and everyone around me down. Surprisingly I still had one person in my life that was still willing to take a chance on me, without her there was no way I had the strength to make it in the beginning, it was the love in her eyes and when I actually saw it, it gave me a reason to try to stay clean. What I'm about to say goes against everything I have ever been taught about recovery and maybe it is not for you but it is exactly what I had to do. I could not get clean for myself, I think a lot of people cant and that is why the success rate is so low. I had absolutely no self worth there for no belief in myself, that opens the door for me to give up on myself at the drop of a hat, one little thing goes wrong in my life and I have an excuse to use. So when I quit I did it for my daughter at first and then when I started getting comments I did it for them. i told everyone around me what I was trying to do not really for the extra support but to make it harder for me to use without someone knowing. So in the beginning look to someone you love or is important to you and make a promise to them, a mother, brother, father, sister, your children even a close friend but make it someone that you look up to and ask them to hold you accountable. Take a good look at these people that care about you, look at these people and imagine that look of disappointment and the hurt that your broken promise has once again caused. This accountability is one of the main reasons I sit here today, through this accountability brought praise with every day that I put behind me and that praise slowly brought self worth, I wouldn't have lasted five days without this. when I first quit I felt awkward and out of place, my daughter took me to Coolidge park and down town by the aquarium to walk around, this is stuff ive never done before, I used to not go anywhere I couldn't drink beer so all these places were new and kind of intimidating to me, but I am learning the more you do something the less intimidating it will be.
Writing every day has been another big part of my recovery, I'm just not that good at expressing my feelings face to face, I find that writing about my feelings, fears, and hopes every day helps me to think about them a lot clearer and takes quite a bit of weight of my shoulders every day, my comment box is open to all that would like to shed some of their weight. I hope this advice may help other people live the good life, thank all of you so much for reading, it is you that now puts hope into my life. James
You may not see what others see and that is a very strong, couragous man who has been through a lot but is not willing to make excuses any more. A man who has finally said to the world "I am responsible for my own happiness". We are here to see you succeed becasue we want you and ourselves to succeed with you. It's about being proud of the person you are and are becoming. It's about being an honest member of society. It's about knowing that you are loved, even when you feel like there couldn't possibly be anyone who could. My friend is shining through again, picking himslef up and dusting himself off and saying "I am a great guy!" I love you! Karin
ReplyDeleteJim, you are a fantastic writer! You really know how to express yourself. I think there will be more than one book on recovery coming from you in the future! And it is going to help so many people who are struggling with addictions. Someday a good publisher needs to read your writings, as you really are doing a great job. I'm so happy for you that you're doing so well! God Bless you, Jim
ReplyDeleteNancy Bagby (Cindy's Mom)
Nailed it again. It took my husband asking me to quit drinking to the extreme that I was to make me look at myself. He and I had drank together, ALOT!! It just got to the point that he was coming home from work and I was drunk, I even woke up drunk. I was still able to function until late evening, but the time I was alone(seizeres), scared him.
ReplyDeleteWithout going into too much more detail, my point is that HE is the reason that I slowed down and took a look at myself. If I had waited for the 'ol "do it for yourself", I may have never stopped. It was over 10 years ago that he asked that of me. I still thank God that he was able to open my eyes, Angels come to us in all forms. That day, my husband was mine.
James, once again, I am amazed at your timing and your words of wisdom. You said it, I would look for any excuse, any problem or mishap thru my day, to rationalize, my drinking and behavior to myself and to those around me. If I didn't have a good day, I didn't want anyone else to have one either. My family has started reading your blog and it has helped them to understand, what we as addicts go thru, the thoughts, the ups and downs, the moods and the guilts we try to place on them, for our own mistakes. I have taken alot of anger out on my wife, because when she would catch me, doing whatever it may be, I would lash out and try to blame her, the kids, work, or anything or anyone that I could blame, of course EXCEPT ME, no I wasn't the problem, "SHE WAS". Everytime and I mean everytime, I would try and hide something, I believe, it was God, the God I believe in, that would lead her to find anything and everything, no matter how well I thought I was hiding it. She knew what I was doing and so did the people I work with, but now, I have to start being honest with myself again. I to would never go out and only go if I could drink or get away with something, that I WANTED, not thinking of anyone else or the consequences it would have on those that love me. Today was my first day out and about since my detox and all I can say is I am glad I made it home without stopping anywhere, or going to places I shouldn't go, to get my fix. And of course I was thinking all through the day, I have to see how James is doing. I do believe this is unconventional, but if it works, I'm gonna keep doing it everyday and hopefully get my family back, ONCE & FOR ALL. Thanks for what your doing and how your doing it Sir. You helped me today, maybe we can continue to help each other and those around us. Until tomorrow, God Bless you and Your Family. Keep Looking Up and Steping Out In Faith.
ReplyDeleteCynthia here-remember this is my day to get aboard the sober train surprise surprise it did not happen " something someone anything anyone everything everyone got me to thinking about that one more messed up day/night i want to do this- i seem not able to do this/just cant figure out how to face the day with out being NOT STRAIGHT but want so much to figure out how to BE STRAIGHT and enjoy the world -i am sure it can be done thanks james for believing in me sorry i let you down after you posted about me on ur blog-hope you will keep the faith for me-need it BIG TIME-thanks for the love and support-
ReplyDeleteDear Jimmy, I know writing helps.........while going thru a divorce......I would write down feelings....It mostly was a way not to kill anybody but it helped....now it is time to start being sober for you......cause you are worth it.
ReplyDeleteAunt P
Cynthia, here's a poem for you,
ReplyDeleteStart Over
author unknown
When you've trusted Jesus and walked his way
When you've felt His hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way,
START OVER
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why,
START OVER
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And now you're all alone and it's up to you,
START OVER
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren have come along,
START OVER
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill,
START OVER
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it,
START OVER
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you,
START OVER
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "The Lords' Will Done"
Don't just sit there.......
START OVER
It's never too late to "start over," Cynthia. Every new day is a new opportunity for a new beginning. Remember Winston Churchill's famous speech? "Never give up!" He was talking to you and me too. Never give up, Cynthia! Where sin doth abound, God's grace doth much more abound! You can do it! You know you want to. Don't give up. "There is no temptation that has come to you but such as is common to man, but God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted beyond your ability to resist, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape so that you may be able to endure it." 1 Cor. 10:13. You're a child of the King, and He loves you. Give your addiction and fears to Him. He will give you the desires of your heart. Still praying for you.
YBIC, Jack
hey jimmy reread ur blog from yesterday and hit me too about the whole "do it for you> thing the rehabs have going-i too feel so unworthy so why should i do anything for me right thanks for putting that in perspective-anyway woke up hungover got something REALLY important to do and know that the high just aint worth the "now" feeling i got and actually the "now" feeling didnt even happen been doing it so long-so lets see if i can try once again to get this right-i wish i had the faith of jack-i really do-know theres gotta be more to life than this feeling-thanks again james for being there for me and countless others-til next time, have a good day all-cynthia
ReplyDeleteheys guys-something from my inebriated self-theres a pull in my soul ya"ll might know about-but likely, most of you won't-there's an aching in body i can't seem to fill-and those that don't',never won't-there's this thirsting for a thing that i know is bad-a thirst i just can't seem to fill-a wannting,wishing,hating IT-a plea for it all to be still-my plea today, the past and days to come-help me to make this go away-because, i know, if it doesn't-i am the one who will not stay-take care love to you jimmy-thanks-cynthia
ReplyDeletechecking out for awhile-cynthia-love yall for ur support
ReplyDeleteWow Jim, look at how many more followers and comments you have from when you first started your blog. And... you are actually helping others which is what you set out to do!!! That is so awesome and impressive!!! I am so excited to see how far you will go and how many people you will bring with you on your journey!!!! Love You!! Paula
ReplyDeleteThe physical act of writing is absolutely key in cementing your thoughts and slowing down enough to think through process. This blog was a genius idea. ~dg
ReplyDeletego to the blog " the Journey "
ReplyDelete