Day 46, well it seems that once again ive gotten some good advice and I believe it to be true, but that doesn't take away this feeling of loneliness that seems to be consuming me. These feelings cannot just be wished away, I do not know why I feel this deep need to have someone to share my life with but I do, thoughts of being alone forever fill my mind constantly making it hard to shake these feelings of desperation. I know that I am not ready for a relationship and I am ok with that but it seems I can't even get someone to eat dinner with me, it would be nice just to hang out with someone and get to know them, don't get me wrong, I love all my new friends I have gained recently but there is something different about sitting and talking to someone face to face. Ive thought about trying to hide these feelings away but there is no cure in doing that, there for I could end up right back where I started, hiding them behind drugs or alcohol. I am so not willing to do that so this is definitely an issue that needs to be worked out. It is hard for me to understand how to see past these feelings of loneliness and be able to live a happy life but I will continue to search for the answers I need to find my happiness. Why do I have this need to have someone to hold in my arms, that's what I need the answer to?
It seems the days are definitely getting harder and longer, I believe this to be most definitely the longest and hardest day that I have had. Thoughts of drugs and alcohol have gone in and out of my mind all day and there is still hours to go. I think this is the first time since in the beginning I couldn't wait for the day to be over, not to worry, I will not let my mind play tricks on me, I will be here tomorrow, as clean as I am today. But I cannot see happiness, doubts of having success and companionship in my future are roaming in my head and I can't seem to get them out, I know that I'm not fighting a losing battle but it sure feels like I am, where is the joy that I felt last week, I hope that my mind will find its way back to the happiness that I enjoy so much. James
Hi Jim! I know I'm repeating myself from yesterday, but have you considered finding a nice church that has a singles group (somewhere in your age range.) You could try a few churches until you find one that feels right to you. Although my circumstances are different than yours, I wandered away from the Catholic church for at least 15 years because I found a wonderful (conservative)Presbyterian church that I just loved, and it was only when Jimmy died that I went back to the Catholic church just to give my husband moral support. But you could really feel God's presence and the warmth of all the people in that church. And they had a singles group for people in your age group. Also, the minister there was a wonderful teacher on God's Word. I think if you found a church like that, you'd make some good, possibly lasting friendships, and it would be both men & women. I know the singles have lots of various activities & outings. And they even have bible study groups, which really draws you even closer as friends. I'm just trying to help you find a way to have some friends that are there where you are.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the other day you mentioned that you don't have a kitchen to cook in which is really too bad, as eating out is very expensive. I wish you could rent a room from somebody who would let you have kitchen privileges. Then you'd have money to do other things (possibly.)
I will pray that when the time is right, God will bring you a wonderful "soulmate." I pray that for Cindy every day, and I will also pray that prayer for you. It's when you're not looking for somebody that it will eventually happen. God Bless, Nancy
James, there are no easy ways to make it thru the bad days, but if you will go back and read some of your own previous entries, I believe that would give you hope to keep on going. I know you will and you have proven yourself time and time again. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, especially for this subject matter, no one understands "exactly" what the other person is going thru and can only relate to their own experiences. Each and every one of us are made different and therefore we handle situations different than what most people might consider normal and being alone is a very hard situation for anyone to go thru. But let God speak to you thru this time and he will give you strength and hope. I for one, can get very violent, when I feel as though no one around me understands the way I feel, but after going back and reading your posts, I realize that you do understand and can relate to my past, present and future. I'm here for you anytime, please email me if you need anything. Please, as my father says to everyone he talks to....KEEP LOOKING UP! The best is yet to come my friend. I'm sure in the upcoming future, you might have to remind me of my words. God Bless You, Have A Great Day Tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteJimmy, keep your chin up. I understand the feelings of lonliness, I really do! If you feel physical lonliness, there are so many different groups of people that have different interests that you can hook up with. It doesn't have to be a church group, it could be a fishing group, car club group, writer's groups....I know in california they have a website called "meet up" something, something.... It is a sort of clearing house for different groups of people that meet with common interests. I belong to the San Diego Lapidary Society so I can go cut and polish rocks. Really there are groups for everything. Go find a chic coffee shop (Starbucks?), grab a paper and people watch. Or, talk to that person at the table next to you. I have met some of my best friends in random places like books stores. Take a class, that is a great way to meet people. I am sending you love and support and a beautiful tomorrow. I love you, Karin
ReplyDeleteYou are not going to be elated and joyful all day every day, there has to be balance, "some days are diamonds some days are pearls" you will get the hang of it. Spend time with your kids and granddaughter when you can. Looks for friends at your gym, they are seeking a healthy lifestyle, taking a class is a great idea, make you think, work hard and feel good about yourself. Hang in there, there are going to be more long days, and winter will be hard with the long nights. What you are doing is hard but you are doing it, hang in there, love and a hug, Sandra
ReplyDeleteI like some of these additional ideas, and one of the ideas Karin mentioned was a writers group, and I think that's an excellent option for you....to take a writing class or get into a writer's group. You are very good at expressing yourself and this might not only lead to new friends, but help you to put these writings into a book, which could reach so many others who are struggling with addictive behavior. God Bless! Nancy
ReplyDeleteBoy, I don't know, James. Sounds like you're one of those social types that likes to be around people a lot. My son is that way too. He's not really happy unless he's doing something with someone else. I, on the other hand, don't mind being alone a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I like people, and I'm friends with almost everyone I know, and I enjoy getting together with them whenever possible, especially if there's a jam involved, but I also enjoy my alone time. Even my wife and I, who work two different shifts and only get to see each other for about 45 minutes or so when we eat lunch together on a daily basis and maybe get a couple of days off together every other week, and maybe a couple of evenings a week, don't mind being alone when the other is at work. But you sound like you really need some fairly consistent socialization. There's nothing wrong with that. You just need to get involved with some healthy social groups. May I suggest one possibility? How about coming to game night at my church on Wednesday evenings at about 6:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. and sometimes later, I think. I don't go that often, but my son and his wife are there every Wednesday. They also play volley ball on Sunday mornings if you're ever available. Everybody has a blast, and I'm sure you'd enjoy it. I'll talk to you more about it when we get together.
ReplyDeleteAs you move forward in this process there is going to be a lot of lonliness. I think part of looking for companionship is to fill the void that you are now looking into. It makes sense that the drugs and alchohol were a salve for the lack of connection that you felt or maybe bacause you are so sensitive the hurt of connecting too much and not knowing how to handle that. You are parsing everything out now and there is going to be a lot of hurting in realizing how distant you are from some you would hope to be closer to and a lot of agony over the lost years through all of this. But I really do believe that this is just another phase. And later you will once again feel how close we all are and how connected we all are not only to each other but the universe. When you get past all of this, and I know it probably feels right now like you never will, when the fear and lonliness are replaced by love and the joy of just being alive here and now. People will gravitate to you to share your joy and universal love. In the meantime work your ass off and continue on your path of introspection. Love you. ~d
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