Day 48 wow, I don't know where to start, it looks as though I'm on my way out of the mud hole and headed for solid ground. Once again my life is going through dramatic changes in a very short time. It seems for the last week or so I felt like I was facing a wall and could not find the door for the life of me, I was getting so frustrated, and started to think maybe there's no door to this wall, is this how it's going to stay, living out of my truck, not seeing enough money in my future to remedy the situation, I know it's only been forty seven days and I have already accomplished quite a bit, but I'm ready to move up the ladder a few more runs, this last week has been so hard on me and I was really starting to wander if I was better off not doing drugs, I'm still broke and alone, so what's the point. That's been going through my mind for the last week. I was starting to slip away, but ive got this blog, if I did not have all of you to watch over me and did not take the time to evaluate my life on a daily basis as I write about these everyday problems that I have been going through, life would have sent me spiraling down out of control. As I was talking to my boss today he informed me that there are people that I am around every day and know that I am staying clean, or so I thought, they seem to think if I'm not using now I will be soon. I totally understand this because the success rate for addicts quitting is close to zero percent, well two percent if you count Steve and I. this blog has given both of us our lives back. Well anyway, back to the point, I tromped through the mud for a week having to convince myself almost every minute of every day that this will all be worth it. well the struggle has ended , I am on my way right now as write this to Oklahoma to not only start a new job with higher wages, room and board is part of the package, yes I have a place to live, this is only temporary but I am so happy that I'm going to be able to cook my own dinner, I just can't explain how wonderful it feels to know I'm gonna have somewhere to live, and I handled this whole situation responsibly, when the door started opening to this new job I did not keep it a secret from my current boss, instead I went directly to him and explained the opportunity that was in front of me, as I got information about this new job I went directly to him and kept him posted as not to burn another bridge but make it stronger, and that's exactly what it did. Not only do I have an open invitation to employment with him, he also informed me that he will work two of my boys a couple of days a week if they want, while I am gone. Well once again the walk through the mud has helped me gain strength, I must keep in mind that as an addict my failures totally outweighed my success so this strength I am gaining never existed before, therefore failure was the only option, not any more, man I totally rock. Now that I look back on last week, I can see that it was totally doable. James
Jimmy.... Exactly... the days, weeks, months, years are "doable".. we're human.... Let me tell you, even a clean person has troubles, trials and tribulations... It's life..... I am very proud of your accomplishments... stay focused!!... you're one of the very "few" that can clean up to write about it... AND everyone is proud of you!!... I promise you that!!... But, everyone has their lives as well.. So, when you may feel like you have peaked out with your writing.... you really haven't... there is always someone out there who benefits from it...even if they do not follow you everyday... You are a strong willed person Jimmy... Keep it up..."don't give up"... you're gonna find this clean life very rewarding down the road... I'm sure you've heard.. "you reap what you sow".. Well, Jimmy, at least you will have a clear mind when the trials and tribulations come your way... we ALL go thru them... addict or sober... Good luck.. and KEEP writing... it's working!!!...for ALL of us.....
ReplyDeleteHi James, you don't know me but i got your blog site from a friend who told me about it. thank you so much. i thought i was hopeless, been in and out of rehabs etc. i felt i had no where else to turn until i started to read your blogs. i picked up at day 16 and just now tonight feel the confidence in me to finally write to you. i have been clean and sober for 3 weeks now and i for the first time since i started using and drinking, feel like the blinders are coming off my eyes. i wake up each day seeing the true meaning of life. thank you so much for starting this. my family has followed your blog each day as well. sincerely, stephany
ReplyDeleteWhat a blessing! Glad for you and for your sons - safe travels. It is really a blessing for all of us who have been reading since Day 1.
ReplyDeleteJim, I'm so happy for you about this new job and that you'll have a place to live and cook your own meals. I honestly didn't realize that you were having to live out of your truck! That must have been so difficult! But you are a strong person, and things are just going to continue to get better for you. God Bless! Nancy
ReplyDeleteJames, unbelievable, it's amazing how God can bless you and turn your life around all in the same moment, and when you were down in a valley of all things. And my what an opportunity you and your sons have been given and blessed with at such a time as this. And let's not forget that you did this on your own and sober of all things....yes it was hard and tormented you for awhile, but you stuck to your plan, expressed your feelings and were able to come out on the best end of the situation. I'm speechless and really don't know what to say, except that I am extremely happy for you and the hard work that you have put in, to make this happen. If you need anything, or if you sons, need anything while you are gone, I have two sons myself 23 & 21, and we have plenty to do. You know how to contact me and you are now beginning to almost complete another chapter in your life. Congratulations Sir...YOU DID IT. God Bless you my friend and may he continue to do so. Steve
ReplyDeleteIf you find yourself in a hole and you want to get out, the very first thing you ought to do is STOP DIGGING! Sooner or later, if you're patient, someone will walk by and either fall in the hole with you or throw you a rope! Another possibility, is to make little notches in the wall and climb out. Of course, if the walls are made out of sand, that might not work so weell, but then, of course, analogies are never perfect! The point is, life seldom remains static. If it looks bad now, don't worry. It'll either get worse or better. Either way you can be thankful for the way things are.
ReplyDeleteIf it could be worse, you can be thankful that it isn't. If it could be better, maybe you're being spared from some temptation that isn't available to you now, and you can be thankful for that. If it couldn't get any worse, you're in luck! It can only get better! It's all in the way you look at things.
The Bible says it's the truth that sets us free, and you know, that really is true! Things are seldom as bad as they seem. The thing is, though, there are always little voices in our head telling us half truths or outright lies. What we have to learn to do is argue with those voices by telling ourselves the truth. For instance, if I'm hearing a voice in my head that says, "I'm all alone, and I'm so lonely. Nobody really cares about me." I need to ask myself, "Is that really true?" Well, yeah, I might be physically alone at the moment, and I might feel lonely because of that, but is there anything I can do about it? I could call someone. But then you need to argue with the other lie. Is it true that nobody cares about you? Of course it's not. So call somebody who you know cares about you.
Life is all about learning how best to respond to challenges. From the time we're an infant and have to learn how to get around and communicate to the time we grow old and have to learn to accept that we can't do what we used to be able to do. Life is one big set of challenges.
Congratulations on getting this new job. Hope it works out the way you're planning, but if not, know that all things work together for good if you look at it right.
Still praying,
Jack
Fantastic news. Can't wait to read the details on the new job. ~d
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