day 44

Day 44 well I asked for advice and I got it, I really needed it, I guess I was being abit hasty, jobs are hard to come by and I should appreciate what I have while I have it. There were several really good points in the comments that I will take to heart, I will continue to work as hard as I can and do the best job I know how to do. I guess it's just the pressures of life getting to me, I feel like l need to be making more money, I'm not always broke anymore but I don't see myself being able to get ahead, I don't see how people survive financially. It seems like you would have to have a two income family to get by but I know some single people that are doing it, they must really live on a tight budget, I guess that's another thing I need to do is learn how to budget. Since I quit drugs I haven't really blown any money, the most I spent on having fun was taking my granddaughter to the races and that was only thirty dollars, I don't have many bills, eating out every meal adds up though, but I don't have a choice in that, I love to cook but have no kitchen to use at this time. Well anyway this is what I have come to through your comments, first of all I will continue to be a man of my word, that comes first in order for me to feel good about who I am, secondly, I will not think only of my needs because my boss has gone out of his way to hire me back after all the conflicts of the past and there are a lot of people needing work, it's not like I can't be replaced because I truly believe anybody can be replaced by someone else in their job, and third, I will remember that the pride that I take in my work is for me, as long as I am doing all that I can do and doing it as good as I can nobody can take that from me. Theres one more thing I need to do and that is leave work at work, when I'm off work I need to focus on me and what I need to do to better myself. I think the most important thing I'm learning from this is that yes, we do have to do what we have to do to get by, but I am realizing that I have the power to change all of this. I will continue doing what I have to do but I will start learning how to take the steps to finding that dream job that will make me financially secure, for some reason ive always thought it would just fall in my lap but now I'm realizing if I want it ive got to go and get it, and that, I will do. Wow, I thought I was going to have to force myself to have a good day but after working this out I feel great. I am amazed how quick one problem seems to turn into a mountain that seems to be straight up, and how easy it is to forget this new way of life im trying to teach myself, Karin you were right when you said old habits die hard, I must thank every one for the comments, my mind seemed to be slipping back to my old way of thinking and needed a good dose of reality.

I do have what I think is some very exciting news, yesterday, even though I was very emotionally, mentally, and physically drained, it seems worrying about Steve, ML, and Cynthia, my job, feeling alone, not having a consistent place to live, and wondering even with my job if I will ever be able to afford a place to live, I had a very big realization yesterday. These steps that I have been taking are truly working, as I pulled up to the Mexican restaurant yesterday for dinner alone as always, it seemed like a beer sure would hit the spot, and I was alone so the old me started thinking, one beer won't kill you, besides know one will know. I thought real hard about this blog and all the people that have supported me and how I would betray their trust but then another thought accured to me, betraying myself, it is amazing how nice it feels to make a decision not only based on how it will effect others but also how it will affect me. I think for the first time in my life I actually held myself accountable. I actually care about myself, WOW, I believe this is going to take awhile to sink in. I have been working on trying to find some type of happiness for myself for the last forty three days and I know without the love and support from all the people reading and commenting I may have lived my whole life not caring about myself, this is a dept that I will never be able to repay to all that have shown their support so I will do the next best thing, spend my life offering the same love and support to others in need of it.

A couple of last things, Steve, I hope your alright, I'm very very serious about you starting your own blog, it doesn't matter where you start, just start, it will save your life just as it has saved mine, and that goes for Cynthia and ml, be held accountable be someone else at first, I promise you will stay clean, thats an hour or two out of your life in trade for a life time of joy, pride, and dignity. Jack I emailed you my number, waiting to hear from you, thanks to all, James