day62

Day 62, yes sixty two, that doesn't sound like much time but when you really look at where I was in my life and where I am now, the changes that have been made and my accomplishments up to this point, it seems like I have lived a life time in only two months. As I look back at how I used to look at life, and how I felt inside, I wander how it ever got that bad. I think of how many years I struggled to just get out of bed and face what the world I created for myself was going to throw at me, at least that's the way I used to see it. I now realize I have been spending a life time building my own roadblocks keeping a real life for myself just out of reach. Well it seems ive become an expert in demolition the last two months because now I can not only touch life, im swimming in it. I feel as if I am climbing straight up the ladder two runs at a time, but I must not forget where I came from, all of the knowledge that I have gained standing behind those roadblocks of my life, were all of these roadblocks meaningless, just a waste of my life? I must say I do not believe they were, I have gone through such pain and anxiety, guilt and feeling ashamed of who I was, seeing that disappointed look on peoples faces when ive let them down. Standing behind these road blocks has not only filled me with such compation for others like me, it has also given me the know how to reach people like me, to help people like me, my heart breaks when I know there are others that want so bad to live right and feel the joy of life but cant seem to find there way out of the darkness. Im learning life can be scary when your not on drugs, it can also be very lonely, and when you are used to being high every day and you are not any longer, these new to you feelings seem to be magnified 10 times.

When I came to Okmulgee it was for a better job, a change in my life and scenery, before I left Chattanooga I was on a mission to get this blog out to as many people as I possibly could because I believe it will not only educate, but save lives and I believe up to this point it has done just that. Since ive came to Oklahoma ive been so concentrated on my job Ive kind of lost focus on getting the message out to the world, well yesterday I went to the paper here, finally, and asked if they would not only do a story but print my post every day, I told them I want looking for money, just to help, he told me that its hard to find room and a lot of people were trying to get stories in the paper, but he didn't say no and he's reading it tonight. He will let me know in a day or two. I hope when he reads it he will find it interesting enough to at least do a story on, life is a very strange thing, two months ago I hated working but needed the money to get high, today I spend hours a day working on this blog and I do if for free, not wanting to get paid, I do it for the love of life, and not just mine, for everyone, James

day61

Day61 life seems to be good, not much worries here, I slept till five thirty this morning, I guess I needed that extra half hour, I'm looking forward to a good days work, I think we're going to get a lot done today, I will try out my new camera and post some new pictures on face book tonite if anyone wants to see them.

I'd like to run a situation by all of you and see what you think, I am starting to feel like I am being scammed and need some good advice. I know that a lot of my readers think it is too early for me to start a relationship but I feel like I am wasting time waiting and would very much like the companionship of a woman in my life, I used to look at wemen and all I would think of is how nice it would be to get them in bed but for some reason I see them a lot differently now, when I see them now I see how beautiful all of them seem to be in their own way, I can feel their happiness when they smile and I can see the sadness and despair in their eyes and want so badly to be able to take it away, I want to be sharing my life with someone and being able to care for them and comfort them when they are unsure of what tomorrow brings, when I find the right girl I believe I will see comfort in her eyes every day, a relaxed look on her face because I will be her best friend and do whatever I can without compromising my morals and values to keep that comforting look in her eyes, to put her heart at ease about what tomorrow brings. i am starting to believe that I am being taken advantage of, and I don't want to believe this is true, I met a girl on Craig's list and we've been talking for about three weeks, she says she wants to come and meet me and I was so happy I was ready to buy a plane ticket for her, she told me she was ready to relocate for the right man, it all seemed so perfect, until she asked me to send her money for the ticket instead of me buying it, I want a relationship very badly but that does not make me a fool, I want to believe those three weeks of talking were real and that the ticket situation was a misunderstanding, I find it hard to believe that people would play your emotions for that amount of time to scam you out of a little money. I told her I won't be sending any money for any reason and we are still talking but not as much, how can I possibly think of continuing this relationship when I already don't trust her, where do you draw the line, in my mind I think you should talk about the mistakes and work through them, that is how you build trust and a strong relationship, isn't it? I'm new at this so I'm not sure. My heart says try to get past this but my mind says she's scamming me, Well its six forty-five, ive got to go to work, James

 

day60

Day60 I was up as five and I feel good, I think I slept about five and a half hours, that's all my mind requires I think, if I sleep more or less I just don't feel as good as I do now. I spend a lot of time on this computer; it seems I get my fill of friendship here. It has taken me a while to get used to the weekends, I guess people either get busy on the weekends or they use their computers at work during the week to send messages, either way I don't get near as much mail on the weekends, it used to really effect the way I felt, but I'm getting used to it, even now that I'm doing so well and feel so good about where my life is I feel that I need the friendship and approval of others to keep me on track, it seems friendship and approval can be one in the same. I believe a big part of friendship is to let the people in your life know when they are doing the right thing, help build their self confidence and self esteem, I look forward to having this type of friendship in my life every day, not just hi how you doing, but really checking in to the lives of the people that are important to you. Another big part of friendship I believe is the awkward part, which I believe to be the most important part, and that's when you care enough about someone to step in and let them know there not living right, they usually know they're not living right but when someone says something it does make a difference in their lives, I believe these are the two most important things about friendship and I think everyone should try to practice both of these actions everyday in the lives of the people they care about.

I guess I really needed a day off, it feels so good to do nothing, I feel very sore all over, I guess when you stop moving for a day your body lets you know when you need to slow down, I've got some good help now but I'm so used to doing things by myself it's hard to get used to, I'm going to have to start taking advantage of the help I have more so I don't wear myself out so much. John jr got in today from sd and I'm very happy to see him, we've got a lot to catch up on, I think it's going to be a lot of fun working with him, I'm looking forward to a busy day tomorrow, I'm going to post some more pictures tomorrow, I've got a new camera now that I can download straight to my computer, it will take a little learning but I don't think I will have a problem with it.

I would like everyone to know that Cynthia is posting everyday for the most part and I think she is doing a really good job, I am so happy for her and I know it's going to change her life as it has changed mine, if anyone has the time please go to thisismylifefortoday.blogspot.com and let her know your there, you could be the one to make the difference in her life, until tomorrow, James

day59

Day 59it is once again late in the afternoon, but I believe i will be able to take my time today, I only worked 7 hours today so the sun is still shining, I bought my new Laptop yesterday and went to the restaurant at 5 but I'm not computer computer savvy, so I couldn't find office word on it and it's the only way I know how to do this, so I had breakfast and sent a few emails. I like my new computer a lot but I need to learn how to use it. My daughter set this one up so it's easy for me, just point and click and I'm there. I'm using my new one for email and face book but I'm writing my blog on my little one, that seems backwards since I bought the big one for that.

I believe today to be a learning day for me, you see I have been running ragged, I'm used to 20 problems on my mind since I used to never take care of anything in my past but those were problems , as I look back at the start of this hole thing I remember one problem at a time and they slowly all went away, and ease came to my mind, I was able to concentrate on better things, improvements to my life. That was a very important thing for me to learn in my life or I wouldn't be here right now talking to you. Well now that my life has improved and the problems are gone or at least manageable I'm finding the same principles apply to the new responsibilities that I now have. You see now I have 20 different things on my mind, good things, all the small jobs that need to be done with all the houses and the big job, the black apts, that's the priority, and I believe I'm doing a really good job, there are allot of responsibilities there, putting the different phases in order making sure the workers not only stay busy but also do a good job so I don't have to spend time fixing there mistakes, figure out materials and check prices to get the best deals, and keep an eye on all the tools ,also keep the site clean so we are not an eye soar to the neighbors. i taught myself how to deal with all those old problems of my past so I could have all these responsibilities but now they seem to be piling up like the problems did, but I already know the solution, I just need to put it in play, it worked before with fast and effective results, there's no reason it will not apply to this situation, I'm sure I will be back on track in no time with maybe a little extra time to see a movie or something, I am so happy for this blog, l could not imagine going back to that misery of a life that i used to live, James

day58

Day 58 it is already eight at night and I'm just getting started on my blog, stayed up till two thirty chatting with a woman in new jersey, I very much enjoy talking to her but I'm going to have to stay disciplined, I woke up at six thirty and had to run out the door to pick up my new helper, on time. I refuse to be late because if I'm late, what does that say to the people I expect to be on time, I will be going to bed early so this doesn't happen anymore. I really enjoy being to work ten minutes early as to set an example for the people I am working with, it seems if you run, someone will try to run faster, it is nice to be part of a positive competition, it seems as I try to live right people around me try to do the same. I must say I really enjoy being part of someone trying to make their lives better.

Jack, I think you misunderstood me yesterday, I am very far from having a big head, and I will remain humble so I can take in all the knowledge that surrounds me every day, but I will not settle for average, or normal, I will continue to strive to be the very best that I can, if someone expects one thing out of me I will do my very best to give him two, I will always try to work and live my live by a higher standard in hopes that others will see this and try to do the same. I will never see myself as better, or above anyone as I have felt below or worse than everyone for the majority of my life. in this new life that I am living I will continue to walk right beside everyone who is a part of my life, so maybe greatness wasn't the right word, how about great.

Well I am very tired and still have messages to answer, I look forward to going to bed early so I can get up and write at five, good night all, James

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day 57

Day 57 wow, I feel like today will be another good one, ive been up since about four fifty and it is now almost six, I will spend my day paying close attention to everything I do, watching my decisions and work very closely. As each day passes I feel more relaxed about who I am, and prouder of myself by the minute, I am starting to believe I'm not on the track to being a regular person, I am on the track to greatness, and I will settle for nothing less. I will also pay more attention to others in hopes of learning more about life. I wish I could explain these feelings of calmness, confidence, and pride of who I am, but I am in awe and cannot find the words. My mind, it seems is no longer racing, it has slowed down allowing me to take in more of what's going on around me. This joy for life seems to grow more and more every day and I don't see it slowing down any time soon, this blog is the best way I know how to give some of this joy back to the world which I feel needs it more than i, it seems lately I have more than enough to share. So if you need some, take as much as you want and spread it around, it's not joy if you can't share it.

I'm back, it's about six thirty and I'm off work, I was very tired today, I need to go to bed early tonite. Do you remember what I said yesterday about all the people seem to be on drugs here, the weirdest thing happened this morning, as I was out by the garage I saw an old woman walking her dog and looking up at the building, I said good morning to her and introduced myself and told her I was new to the neighborhood and I was living in the building while we were remodeling, she must have been sixty five or seventy, very nice and polite, she told me she had been living a couple of houses down since nineteen seventy five, then I kid you not, these were her exact words, everybody in this town is sick, somebody needs to call the dea. I was dumbfounded, and had absolutely no response, she proceeded to try and tell me how to get a hold of the dea so I could call. I was not exaggerating when I said this town was on drugs, and I feel like I'm supposed to be here, I think I'm going to go to the local paper and see if I can get them to do a story on my blog, I think this town needs a lot of help. I will continue to work hard and say the right things when these people I don't even know want to talk about drugs, maybe some of me will wear off on them, you n ever know. well I have worked very hard today and I have earned a good night's rest, I guess it's time to go get payed, James

day 56

Day 56 we moved into our new home yesterday and I must say I like it very much, I worked so hard yesterday I fell asleep at about nine last night I think. Its five forty five in the morning here and I have already eaten breakfast, I'm at the only diner in town that stays open all night, I like coming here and writing, I'm not sure why, but I think it's just nice to have people around me, even if I don't know them it's just comforting for some reason to hear them talking in the background. I like my job more and more every day, it seems I'm going to learn a lot at this job, not only in construction but also the business side of it, john seems to be very good at what he does and a good teacher, he is patient and always seems to be in a good mood and quick to explain to me what he's doing and why, not only do I enjoy his company I feel that he is going to teach me a lot of things that will take me a long way in life. I will not take this job or his friendship for granted. As a matter of fact, I will do just the opposite; I will work as hard and as smart as I can to be as efficient as I can with my time and his money as possible. I love this new life. I believe I'm going to go to work early today, I think we're going to hire a new guy and try him out, it is very hard to find people around here that want to work.

Its about four o clock, I'm going to write for a while then go back to work for an hour or two. It seems like everyone I talk to in this town is unemployed and on drugs or drunk, it is amazing how many people are either on drugs or have been on them, young people to. It seems like every time I meet someone drugs or drinking always comes up in the conversation, I am quick to tell about my past and where I am now and that I am clean and no longer want any part of that life, I thought drugs would haunt me for the rest of my life and it would be a struggle every day to stay clean but that is absolutely not the case. When I tell people I no longer want drugs in my life I say it with confidence because that is really how I feel. It is amazing, this transformation of life, two months ago all I could think about was getting high, in the morning I would do the math in my head to see how much money was going to be left over after I got off work so I could get high, and that's all I could think about all day long, always ready to leave work early. Now it's the complete opposite, it feels so good when people start talking about drugs and I can honestly tell them how much better my life is without drugs and how much better I feel about who I am today. I am most definitely proud of the changes I have made in my life and I feel with these changes and the maturity that I am gaining every day I will be a great role model in any community that I live in and for anyone who follows my blog.

There is a nearby college in this little town that a lot of people say is very good, I have decided that I would like to go and talk to them and see if they have anything to offer me, nobody ever thought I would quit drugs and ive done that and more, you never know, I may become a famous author some day, hey, it could happen, James

day 55

Day 55, well I went to bed early last night so I could get up and write before work, I am very happy about where my life is today, I have checked on Cynthia's blog but there are no new inputs, I worry about her and Steve, I hope that they are okay and the best I can do is to keep at what I am doing to show everyone there is life after drugs and alcohol. I have come a long way in a short time and see a wide open road with no speed limits on it right in front of me, there's no way I'm going to turn down any of the side roads, I'm sure that if I did I would find nothing but trouble, and that goes against everything I'm trying to accomplish. So straight ahead wide open that is what I will do.

I would like to talk more about my finances as I didn't get started till late last night and was in a hurry which leads me to forget what I want to write. It seems the journey from Tennessee to here has matured me even more, I don't know how in such a short time but it has, when I was in Chattanooga I was making ok money but was still staying broke, I couldn't seem to hold on to what I had and ended up borrowing money before I got payed. So when I did get paid it wouldn't be enough after paying back what I borrowed, it didn't feel much different than when I was on drugs, always broke. My mind started telling me, what's the point, you can't get ahead whether you're on drugs or not. The days seem to be extra long when they are not going the way you want them to, at that point in my life it seemed after work I had nothing to do and know here to go and had to battle my own mind from thoughts of hopelessness. Well I made it through that battle unsaved but I did not realize until now that my financial situation played a very big part in my will to succeed, it seems the better I do in life the less I want to escape from it. I went through some pretty hard times getting to where I am in the last couple of months but I am so glad that I have not given up, at this point my life is grand, I believe that is the first time I have used that word to describe life but that's what it is, grand. Well it is now six forty five and I must go to work, I feel much better about my writing this morning than the rush job of yesterday, James

day54 Day54, well iv e been very busy, and didn’t get a chance to write this morning, I am hot , sweaty and tired, but happy about where I am. We are moving into the black apartments tomorrow and I’m kind of looking forward to it, although it will be

 Day54, well iv e been very busy, and didn't get a chance to write this morning, I am hot , sweaty and tired, but happy about where I am. We are moving into the black apartments tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to it, although it will be weird living in that huge building with only one other tenant. I am going out to buy a camera today so I can continue to take pictures and write about this project, I believe it will be fun to write about the daily progress and it will keep me looking forward to the end result. Well imp going to go take a shower and go eat dinner; we'll talk more in a while.

Now that I have had time to think I know exactly what I would like to talk about, being frugal. It seems money has always left my hand as quick as it got there, it used to be on drugs and now I want a cd player, digital camera, new laptop, and a ski boat. Well just like I used to do any time I got money I would run to the drug house, well now I run to wall mart and spend it as fast as I can, or at least that's what I was going to do. You see I found a laptop at Wal-Mart that I can afford next week and today I was going to get a camera, but I want to get two that are compatible with each other and the computer doesn't say on the box which card it takes, I almost went and bought a camera anyway hoping it would be the right memory card until john said why don't you just wait till next week and buy them both? Wow, this thought never occurred to me, only buy what you can right now. Needless to say I didn't buy the camera and I will wait till next week, this is a very important step in breaking those old habits and that's what this is all about, getting a life. I will start paying a lot closer attention to my money and what im spending, truly think about big purchases before I make them, well that's it for today, see you tomorrow, James

 Day54, well iv e been very busy, and didn't get a chance to write this morning, I am hot , sweaty and tired, but happy about where I am. We are moving into the black apartments tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to it, although it will be weird living in that huge building with only one other tenant. I am going out to buy a camera today so I can continue to take pictures and write about this project, I believe it will be fun to write about the daily progress and it will keep me looking forward to the end result. Well imp going to go take a shower and go eat dinner; we'll talk more in a while.

Now that I have had time to think I know exactly what I would like to talk about, being frugal. It seems money has always left my hand as quick as it got there, it used to be on drugs and now I want a cd player, digital camera, new laptop, and a ski boat. Well just like I used to do any time I got money I would run to the drug house, well now I run to wall mart and spend it as fast as I can, or at least that's what I was going to do. You see I found a laptop at Wal-Mart that I can afford next week and today I was going to get a camera, but I want to get two that are compatible with each other and the computer doesn't say on the box which card it takes, I almost went and bought a camera anyway hoping it would be the right memory card until john said why don't you just wait till next week and buy them both? Wow, this thought never occurred to me, only buy what you can right now. Needless to say I didn't buy the camera and I will wait till next week, this is a very important step in breaking those old habits and that's what this is all about, getting a life. I will start paying a lot closer attention to my money and what im spending, truly think about big purchases before I make them, well that's it for today, see you tomorrow, James

 Day54, well iv e been very busy, and didn't get a chance to write this morning, I am hot , sweaty and tired, but happy about where I am. We are moving into the black apartments tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to it, although it will be weird living in that huge building with only one other tenant. I am going out to buy a camera today so I can continue to take pictures and write about this project, I believe it will be fun to write about the daily progress and it will keep me looking forward to the end result. Well imp going to go take a shower and go eat dinner; we'll talk more in a while.

Now that I have had time to think I know exactly what I would like to talk about, being frugal. It seems money has always left my hand as quick as it got there, it used to be on drugs and now I want a cd player, digital camera, new laptop, and a ski boat. Well just like I used to do any time I got money I would run to the drug house, well now I run to wall mart and spend it as fast as I can, or at least that's what I was going to do. You see I found a laptop at Wal-Mart that I can afford next week and today I was going to get a camera, but I want to get two that are compatible with each other and the computer doesn't say on the box which card it takes, I almost went and bought a camera anyway hoping it would be the right memory card until john said why don't you just wait till next week and buy them both? Wow, this thought never occurred to me, only buy what you can right now. Needless to say I didn't buy the camera and I will wait till next week, this is a very important step in breaking those old habits and that's what this is all about, getting a life. I will start paying a lot closer attention to my money and what im spending, truly think about big purchases before I make them, well that's it for today, see you tomorrow, James

day53

Day 53 I must say I am really starting t enjoy my life, i like this little town, not much traffic and everything is close, it seems like my life is coming together pretty quickly. I am really enjoying my new boss, john, we are becoming good friends, I realize he is putting a lot of trust in me and I am more than ready to take it on. He also seems to really value my opinion which is very uplifting to my spirit. I believe this to be the most solid ground I have ever walked on in my life, these feelings of contentment are something I know nothing about but truly enjoy. In the last three days I have felt more stability than I have in my lifetime. I see great things in my future, things I never dreamed were possible because of the shaky ground I have walked on for so long. It seems ive spent a lifetime trying to keep my balance and stay on a path to somewhere, anywhere, with no direction to follow and no stars to light the dark path I was on. Now there seems to be sunshine, yes k, sunshine, and it seems someone has not only paved the path for me, they have put up street lights in case it gets dark, railing and arrows to keep me going in the right direction, and put rollerblades on my feet and then went as far as to tilt the path just enough to let me glide down it without missing a thing on the way, can life be this easy, am I missing something, is there something I have overlooked, wow, I am starting to believe that this is not a dream, life can be this good, but you have to do the work to make it this good, and that is what ive been doing for the last fifty two days. It is easy when you start with one little problem, fix it, then go to the next, I hope the joy that I am feeling this morning will spill into each and every one of the people reading this today and they will somehow try to figure out a way to share it with someone in their lives that need their spirits lifted. That would be a beautiful thing.

Well it seems Cynthia has done it, thisistodayforme. Blogspot.com I am very happy for her and hope that she gets the support that I have, Cynthia, if you don't get a lot of comments right off the bat don't get discouraged, they will come as long as you are sincere, good luck Cynthia and to anyone that reads my blog please take the time to give Cynthia the love and support you have given me, it could be your words that keep her on the path to happiness.

I am going to try to load a picture of the building that I am working on, just the outside for today, I will load more of the inside tomorrow, life is freaken awesome, James

day 52

Day 52, well it is almost six in the afternoon, I didn't have time to write this morning, I slept very well right up to six thirty and had to meet the roofing company at the job at seven. So I didn't have time to write this morning, I enjoy writing in the morning so much more, it seems I can think much more clearly. Maybe its because I'm not so tired from working all day, but I think it has a lot to do with the pressure of only having a few hours to write. I feel like I'm forcing the words into the computer, either way I think I'm going to start going to bed earlier so I wake up earlier, that solves my dilemma.

I have only been here three and a half days and I feel like ive been here for months, I like it and it seems like I was the missing piece of the puzzle, everything is flowing so smoothly, just like it was meant to be. This is a very critical time for me, but I realize it, it seems when people like me get clean and things start going really good, we do really bad, really quick. I will not allow this to happen to me ever again, the better I do the more I'm going to pay attention. I will not allow my mind to take me back to my old life, you see the better I do the more my mind seems to tell me I'm okay now, one drink won't hurt, but I know from experience one drink leads to a hundred dollar rock and a twelve pack, and when that's all gone ill get however much money is left in my pocket to allow me to get. Nope, not me , not again, in just fifty one days I have just about accomplished what takes people years to do, and the reason for this is how ive lived the last fifty one days, not how I used to live, that's gotten me absolutely know here. I see this and I intend to keep it close in my mind as not to fall again, my life is good.

Now I would like to talk about some of the best news ive gotten in awhile, when I started this the idea was for it to catch on, I think this could spread across America, addicts and drunks saving each other, the old ways don't seem to be keeping up, this world needs more success stories to inspire this world into happiness, I want to see hundreds of blogs so people have different stories to chose from, to relate to, to learn from. Wanting this has definitely been a big part of why I can walk past the bar instead of going in, every day I stay clean there's a chance someone else will gain a little more hope in themselves and be able to do the same, when I started this blog I wanted to do some type of volunteer work to fill that emptiness in my heart but this blog has done that ten times over. Anyway I will get to the point, Cynthia called me this evening and informed me that she has created her own blog, she is still learning how to do it but I think it will be up in a couple of days, I am so so so excited for her as I know the difference this blog made in my life, it seem to take the struggle of quitting away for me, yes, it made quitting easy for me, like taking medicine for an illness, my life changed. I believe it will do the same for her, just knowing she is on the road to happiness overwhelms me with all kinds of feel good emotions, wow, I can't even explain it, my life is great, James

day 51

Day 51 its five am and I'm looking forward to what's going on today, the last person that owned this building remodeled it but it was a poor job, the rooms all have nine foot ceilings, well they redid all the electric and ran all the conduit exposed on the ceiling and put drop ceilings in, they also covered the walls with that cheap looking paneling, that's all got to go to, it looks cheap like old seventies office buildings, today I'm going to start trying to hide the conduit and get the ceiling ready for sheetrock, we've just about got one unit totally stripped and ready to start putting it back together. This unit is on the fourth floor and there is no elevator, the stairs are also kind of tight so it's really going to be a choir to get the materials up there.

I spent some time talking with Cynthia yesterday, I really like her and think we are going to be good friends for many years to come but I am worried about her, after talking with her last night I realized she is going through a lot of different feelings and emotions that I could certainly learn from. You see every body's story is a little bit or even a lot different, you see in my story it was plain and simple, I wore out my welcome everywhere I went, I had no friends around me and there was absolutely no financial stability. Finally seeing all these things made it easy for me to see I was going in the wrong direction. But that is not the case for everyone, what if you are financially secure, working in a good profession, with plenty of friends that are around you every day and still have an uncontrollable desire to drink heavily every evening, there is a very serious problem in this world that seems to be ignored, maybe ignored isn't the word for it, it's more like swept under the carpet because it's so common and there just isn't an answer for it, just being strong doesn't fix the problem, and when we can't stop we feel like we are just not as good as regular people, were so embarrassed of being weak we try to hide the problem rather than talk about it, this only magnifies the situation and takes us farther away from getting the love and support that we need to heal. I feel that I can learn a lot from Cynthia and her story as she makes the steps to heal and I am very much looking forward to experiencing her ups and downs with her, she has hinted around about her own blog but was worried about taking away from me and what I need, it is the unselfishness of people like Cynthia that this world needs to see more of that will begin to wipe away the doubts and begin to restore thoughts of hope leading to a much better world for all to live in. Cynthia I believe you have as much to offer if not more than me by starting your own blog and if you think for a minute that you would be taking from me you are mistaken by far, I could only gain strength by you educating us with your journey to a much happier life, I look forward to your call tonite

I cannot stress this enough, to all that want to get clean and stay that way, start your blog. There have been many nights that I thought about drugs or alcohol and would have definitely used if I were in my comfort zone but this blog makes me accountable to more than just the people that I have already let down a million times. You've done it before and you will do it again, don't be afraid to put yourself out there, it will not only help you but others as well, and there's another reason to do it, I spend two hours or more every day writing and this keeps my goals fresh and doesn't allow my mind to wander. Well I guess it still wanders but it can't get to far. I believe there is a corner in the top right of my blog that says create a blog, go to it and do it, it will save your life and maybe someone else's, Cynthia if you are ready I spoke with my daughter Hilary and she wants me to email you her number, she will go the distance for you, you have everything in place now it's up to you to make a decision, I truly feel like I and beginning to walk on solid ground, thanks to all, James

day 50

Day 50, I am at my new job and looking forward to seeing what needs to be done, I absolutely love doing restorations and this is the biggest project I have ever started, fourteen units, thirteen hundred square feet each, the building is four stories tall and constructed in the nineteen twenties, I bought a camera phone and I will try to get some pictures but I don't know how to download them to the computer yet, I'll have to learn. Today we will start going through what tools were going to need and evaluate our best starting point, there are two wings, one with four units, and the other with ten, I believe we will start on the four so we can get some tenants in them as soon as possible. I feel very good about this new job, my new boss and I seem to get along fine and I don't feel intimidated by him in the least, plus remodels is definitely one of my specialties, a lot of people run into problems because they are not paying attention to what comes next when they start, I'm always looking three steps down the road and this ends up saving a lot of money and time, besides that I am skilled in every aspect of remodels except electrical, since this is such a big project with such dramatic changes I believe I will take lots of pictures and write about it and turn it into a resume for better things to come down the road, I think that all of you will enjoy watching this reconstruction of such a beautiful building as well.

Well I'm off work, I got up at five and started writing, it is nice being back to where I belong in my mind, anyway today was a very good first day, we got a shop set up at the site so we can keep everything locked up, made a tool list, got a Toyota Tacoma 4x4 for a work truck and opened a savings account at the local bank. My future seems to look very promising, I feel very confident that I'm not only going to save my boss a lot of money but his apartments are going to turn out great, I think better than he is expect ting. Ive got to younger helpers that I believe will make this job go well, they seem to follow instructions well and and I haven't seen them wasting any time getting things done. I miss spending time with my daughter and granddaughter and being able to see my boys but I definitely believe this was the right choice at the right time. It seems I have a place to live, a work truck that is registered and insured, I have a bank account and a good enough job that I will be able to start saving money.

I have to say in just fifty days I have put myself in a very good position, I don't believe that jail or rehab or aa/na could have gotten me here, I was completely helpless and beaten down, I have been clean for short periods in my life but have never received the love and encouragement that I have this time around, that is what allowed me to start saying no to a life of misery and I have a lot to show for it and I am indebted to all that have extended their hand to help me, I don't feel over joyed and I'm definitely not unhappy, I guess I don't know how I feel, maybe I'm just tired, I guess its time for bed, thank all of you for helping me get to this point in my life, I actually feel like just a regular person, not a crack head. James

day 49

Day 49 well I am very happy to be moving up in the world, although I am still very nervous. Stepping out of your comfort zone can definitely lead to some anxiety, but if you never step out and try to better yourself you will never know what you may achieve. I am not willing to settle for the life that I was living. In this new life that I have I am going to find the highest mountain I can find and climb my way to the top, and when I get there, I am going to stand on the top and begin looking for a higher mountain to climb, and I will not do this alone, I will drag as many people as I possibly can with me. I am truly amazed at how my mind works, the previous week I had a hard time just getting through five minutes of the day, I felt very alone and weak to the world, like my existence really didn't make a difference one way or another. Even though I try to sound confident every day about what I want in my life I do not feel this way every day, I have been an addict and kicking myself for the last twenty eight years. Old habits don't just die and I didn't just wake up with some epiphany about how I should live. There have been many days of overwhelming doubts about where I'm headed with my life and if my existence does make a difference in this world and I have to fight with myself it seems to get through the day, but when I get threw that day it seems I reap the rewards, I will explain, my new job and a place to live seem to be very rewarding, and I am thankful for them but there is a much larger reward that I get and it cannot be replaced by money or job, they do not fulfill my purpose, my percentage rate has gone up to three that I know of, Stephaney has joined in. there are no words to describe this overwhelming joy for life, my own life. when I hear that I have made a difference in someone's life, these feelings are like nothing I have ever felt before, when I read Stephanie's comment last night it completely restored my confidence in writing what is going through my mind and restoring my strength to look past the fears of humiliation of what others may think of me. So as I'm on my way to my new job it is not what truly brings the joy to my heart, it is knowing that people are living better lives because of me, knowing this not only gives me a reason to continue writing, it is what gives me the strength to continue to set the example and lead the way to a better life for all, thank you Steve and Stephaney, ml and Cynthia please stay with me, I won't let you down, James

day 48

Day 48 wow, I don't know where to start, it looks as though I'm on my way out of the mud hole and headed for solid ground. Once again my life is going through dramatic changes in a very short time. It seems for the last week or so I felt like I was facing a wall and could not find the door for the life of me, I was getting so frustrated, and started to think maybe there's no door to this wall, is this how it's going to stay, living out of my truck, not seeing enough money in my future to remedy the situation, I know it's only been forty seven days and I have already accomplished quite a bit, but I'm ready to move up the ladder a few more runs, this last week has been so hard on me and I was really starting to wander if I was better off not doing drugs, I'm still broke and alone, so what's the point. That's been going through my mind for the last week. I was starting to slip away, but ive got this blog, if I did not have all of you to watch over me and did not take the time to evaluate my life on a daily basis as I write about these everyday problems that I have been going through, life would have sent me spiraling down out of control. As I was talking to my boss today he informed me that there are people that I am around every day and know that I am staying clean, or so I thought, they seem to think if I'm not using now I will be soon. I totally understand this because the success rate for addicts quitting is close to zero percent, well two percent if you count Steve and I. this blog has given both of us our lives back. Well anyway, back to the point, I tromped through the mud for a week having to convince myself almost every minute of every day that this will all be worth it. well the struggle has ended , I am on my way right now as write this to Oklahoma to not only start a new job with higher wages, room and board is part of the package, yes I have a place to live, this is only temporary but I am so happy that I'm going to be able to cook my own dinner, I just can't explain how wonderful it feels to know I'm gonna have somewhere to live, and I handled this whole situation responsibly, when the door started opening to this new job I did not keep it a secret from my current boss, instead I went directly to him and explained the opportunity that was in front of me, as I got information about this new job I went directly to him and kept him posted as not to burn another bridge but make it stronger, and that's exactly what it did. Not only do I have an open invitation to employment with him, he also informed me that he will work two of my boys a couple of days a week if they want, while I am gone. Well once again the walk through the mud has helped me gain strength, I must keep in mind that as an addict my failures totally outweighed my success so this strength I am gaining never existed before, therefore failure was the only option, not any more, man I totally rock. Now that I look back on last week, I can see that it was totally doable. James

day 47

Day 47 well its seven thirty, I seem to be sleeping longer, I don't know if it's because I'm so wore out or I'm just not looking forward to the day in front of me, either way I'm not happy with it. I want to go back to getting up at five thirty looking forward to what's ahead of me, are these feelings something I can control or do I just have to accept them and fight my way through these rough days. I guess that it is important that these feelings are here for me to learn about, find a way to deal with them and get past them, I do believe there are brighter days just beyond the horizon, and if I have to trample through the mud to get there I will. I will not go back to my old way of life, my worst day three times over is still better than any day I can remember from my past life.

I believe ive figured out where some of this depression is coming from and this need for companionship. I am a very caring and giving person who gets a lot of joy from knowing ive contributed to someone else's life, making their life easier or happier, this is a big part of who I am and I need this in my life, if I stop focusing on what I can do for others and only focus on myself my since of purpose seems to go away allowing doubt and a since of worthlessness to start creeping back into my life. the more time I spend helping others is time spent on myself, when I make someone smile, I can bring a smile to my face all day long just by simple thoughts of that person, I have almost forgotten that this blog is not just for me, it is for all that it may help, thank you Steve for reminding me to go back over what I have accomplished so far, it seems I easily forget yesterday. I have had all day to try to figure this out, and I have decided to pay closer attention to how I feel, I do not believe that if these negative feelings come upon me that I must live in them, I believe I have the power to push them out of my head and replace them with thoughts I should be focusing on. Like how I can make the world a better place just by being a better person, I will try not to dwell on all the what ifs and focus on doing what I believe to be right in every aspect of my life. I have made great decisions up until now so I have no reason to question my judgment.

Well ive got some other good news but i don't want to talk about it until it is confirmed, so until tomorrow, James

day 46

Day 46, well it seems that once again ive gotten some good advice and I believe it to be true, but that doesn't take away this feeling of loneliness that seems to be consuming me. These feelings cannot just be wished away, I do not know why I feel this deep need to have someone to share my life with but I do, thoughts of being alone forever fill my mind constantly making it hard to shake these feelings of desperation. I know that I am not ready for a relationship and I am ok with that but it seems I can't even get someone to eat dinner with me, it would be nice just to hang out with someone and get to know them, don't get me wrong, I love all my new friends I have gained recently but there is something different about sitting and talking to someone face to face. Ive thought about trying to hide these feelings away but there is no cure in doing that, there for I could end up right back where I started, hiding them behind drugs or alcohol. I am so not willing to do that so this is definitely an issue that needs to be worked out. It is hard for me to understand how to see past these feelings of loneliness and be able to live a happy life but I will continue to search for the answers I need to find my happiness. Why do I have this need to have someone to hold in my arms, that's what I need the answer to?

It seems the days are definitely getting harder and longer, I believe this to be most definitely the longest and hardest day that I have had. Thoughts of drugs and alcohol have gone in and out of my mind all day and there is still hours to go. I think this is the first time since in the beginning I couldn't wait for the day to be over, not to worry, I will not let my mind play tricks on me, I will be here tomorrow, as clean as I am today. But I cannot see happiness, doubts of having success and companionship in my future are roaming in my head and I can't seem to get them out, I know that I'm not fighting a losing battle but it sure feels like I am, where is the joy that I felt last week, I hope that my mind will find its way back to the happiness that I enjoy so much. James

day 45

Day 45, well it is Saturday morning, my youngest son is going to work with me today, it should be a very good day, Russell l is a very good worker and really listens at work when you give him instructions, that's pretty good for as young as he is, he got a cell phone last month when he worked for me and now the bill is due so he is earning the money to pay his own bill, I am very proud of him and Harley and I hope their learning more about financial responsibility at their age than I did. I guess I'm pretty lucky to have a job that allows me to bring my kids to work and work side by side with them teaching good work ethics, that is a huge fringe benefit.

Spending so much time alone over the last week or so has really got me thinking about new friendships, I'm sure I'm not ready for a full on relationship but I am ready to start meeting new people, I need some type of companionship in my life, female companionship, so I placed an ad on craigslist and thought I was clear that I was looking to slowly build a friendship based on trust and respect, something long term, I even put my blog address and asked that they read it before responding so they knew what they were getting into, I placed the ad yesterday afternoon and as of this morning I think I have enough naked pictures to start my own magazine. Wow what a temptation, and I almost fell for it, it seems most of my life ive chased sex thinking it would fill the emptiness that I felt, sure the physical act feels great but afterwards the emptiness is still there but now topped off with feelings of guilt because you know you were either being used or using someone, I am no longer okay with this, it hasn't worked for me since I was a child and it has never brought me love. As I am learning about friendship I will also learn about love, the love you share while building a relationship. I do not know what it is like to have someone waiting at the door for me when i get home, looking forward to seeing me, wanting to spend time with me, I would love to know this feeling and I'm sure that I will in time. As I create this new person I am to be I will look to myself to set the example of how I would like to be treated, I will be caring but honest, always, if I can help I will, without a price tag attached. It seems there is a fine line between caring for someone and being taken advantage of, and I'm sure that I will meet people on both sides of this line for the rest of my life but I will not let the ones on the wrong side of the line blacken my heart, instead I will try to get them to cross over. I will continue to share this love that I am learning about and I'm sure in the future someone will come along and be wanting to share her love with me. Until tomorrow, James

day 44

Day 44 well I asked for advice and I got it, I really needed it, I guess I was being abit hasty, jobs are hard to come by and I should appreciate what I have while I have it. There were several really good points in the comments that I will take to heart, I will continue to work as hard as I can and do the best job I know how to do. I guess it's just the pressures of life getting to me, I feel like l need to be making more money, I'm not always broke anymore but I don't see myself being able to get ahead, I don't see how people survive financially. It seems like you would have to have a two income family to get by but I know some single people that are doing it, they must really live on a tight budget, I guess that's another thing I need to do is learn how to budget. Since I quit drugs I haven't really blown any money, the most I spent on having fun was taking my granddaughter to the races and that was only thirty dollars, I don't have many bills, eating out every meal adds up though, but I don't have a choice in that, I love to cook but have no kitchen to use at this time. Well anyway this is what I have come to through your comments, first of all I will continue to be a man of my word, that comes first in order for me to feel good about who I am, secondly, I will not think only of my needs because my boss has gone out of his way to hire me back after all the conflicts of the past and there are a lot of people needing work, it's not like I can't be replaced because I truly believe anybody can be replaced by someone else in their job, and third, I will remember that the pride that I take in my work is for me, as long as I am doing all that I can do and doing it as good as I can nobody can take that from me. Theres one more thing I need to do and that is leave work at work, when I'm off work I need to focus on me and what I need to do to better myself. I think the most important thing I'm learning from this is that yes, we do have to do what we have to do to get by, but I am realizing that I have the power to change all of this. I will continue doing what I have to do but I will start learning how to take the steps to finding that dream job that will make me financially secure, for some reason ive always thought it would just fall in my lap but now I'm realizing if I want it ive got to go and get it, and that, I will do. Wow, I thought I was going to have to force myself to have a good day but after working this out I feel great. I am amazed how quick one problem seems to turn into a mountain that seems to be straight up, and how easy it is to forget this new way of life im trying to teach myself, Karin you were right when you said old habits die hard, I must thank every one for the comments, my mind seemed to be slipping back to my old way of thinking and needed a good dose of reality.

I do have what I think is some very exciting news, yesterday, even though I was very emotionally, mentally, and physically drained, it seems worrying about Steve, ML, and Cynthia, my job, feeling alone, not having a consistent place to live, and wondering even with my job if I will ever be able to afford a place to live, I had a very big realization yesterday. These steps that I have been taking are truly working, as I pulled up to the Mexican restaurant yesterday for dinner alone as always, it seemed like a beer sure would hit the spot, and I was alone so the old me started thinking, one beer won't kill you, besides know one will know. I thought real hard about this blog and all the people that have supported me and how I would betray their trust but then another thought accured to me, betraying myself, it is amazing how nice it feels to make a decision not only based on how it will effect others but also how it will affect me. I think for the first time in my life I actually held myself accountable. I actually care about myself, WOW, I believe this is going to take awhile to sink in. I have been working on trying to find some type of happiness for myself for the last forty three days and I know without the love and support from all the people reading and commenting I may have lived my whole life not caring about myself, this is a dept that I will never be able to repay to all that have shown their support so I will do the next best thing, spend my life offering the same love and support to others in need of it.

A couple of last things, Steve, I hope your alright, I'm very very serious about you starting your own blog, it doesn't matter where you start, just start, it will save your life just as it has saved mine, and that goes for Cynthia and ml, be held accountable be someone else at first, I promise you will stay clean, thats an hour or two out of your life in trade for a life time of joy, pride, and dignity. Jack I emailed you my number, waiting to hear from you, thanks to all, James

day 43

DAY 43 first I would like to say good morning or afternoon or evening, whatever it is I hope that its good. I would like to talk about my friend grant before I get into my feelings about work, I met grant about four or five years ago in Seattle, my cousin Dan, a movie director who I spent quite a bit of time with as a young child had asked me to come and work on a movie he was directing in Seattle, I had never done anything like this so I was all over the opportunity. Well when I got out there I met a man named Grant Cogswell, he had written Cthulhu, the movie I was working on, he was a regular guy, someone you could talk to, and I felt he kind of went out of his way to be my friend, and he has been a friend every since. well I knew nothing of his past at the time, only that he seemed to be a genuine friend, well come to find out he was pretty well known in Seattle and had ran for office several years earlier. Recently someone felt his journey was important enough to make a movie about because that's exactly what they did. And it has some big names in it to, Cedric the entertainer, Jason Biggs, Lauren Ambrose and Joel David More from avatar who plays my friend grant in this movie. Grant has been a good friend to me and has really boosted my spirits with his complements on my writing, I really value his opinion as he is a writer himself, he has also helped spread the word about my blog in the Seattle inde film industry so I feel obligated to return his friendship by doing the same, to anyone who reads this and enjoys a good movie, one has been made about a friend of mine that I would like you to check out, for those on face book you can go to search and type in grassroots the movie, for those of you who are not, go to www.grassrootsthefilm.com and please check it out, thanks grant for your support.

I would like to talk more about the jobs that all of us have, the things we do to make a living in this world, I think sometimes my opinions are opposite of what we are taught so I have Kept them to myself for a long time but this is another aspect in my life that I have been hiding from for a long time and I refuse to wonder if I am right or wrong anymore. When I work for someone I give them all that I have, physically and mentally, I work as hard or harder than anyone I work with and I take pride in what I'm doing, not only that, if I'm asked to do something I haven't done before I get the information needed to do it right so doesn't need to be done again. That is how ive been for a long time even when I was on drugs I took pride in what I did, I just didn't show up all the time to do it. well it seems we let our jobs run our lives, most of the decisions we make in life are based on what is going on at work or what happened at work, how we treat our families and friends when we get home also depends on how our days went, AT WORK. Does anybody realize the control your bosses have over you if you let them, more than your wife or husband it seems. Well I have been told you do what you got to do to make it and in doing this I used to come home from work so tired and beat down all I wanted to do was drink or get high to forget about spending the last ten hours being miserable, to tired and beat down to spend time with the people I was doing all this for, now that I'm thinking straight this makes absolutely no since to me at all, when I was on drugs I still took pride in what I did but had no pride in myself so I let people walk all over me. I personally think the work place has gotten out of hand because employers know we need our jobs so we get not only taken advantage of but verbally abused quite abit. It seems a lot of times I can be trucking along and doing a good job and yes, maybe even looking for an attaboy when all of the sudden you get the exact opposite, an eight hour day feels like twenty. I no longer want my job to have control over every other part of my life, I am open to suggestions, please help me out on this, I am starting to feel like depression is setting in. more on this subject tomorrow after I get some advice from all of you. James

day 42

Day 42 first of all I would like to thank a couple of people, Karin and Nancy, for not only the support but also believing in what I am trying to accomplish, Nancy I think of your son quite often, thoughts of him are a great motivation to me. Karin I have to thank you for going out of your way to get the word out on this blog and more than that. I would like everyone that reads this blog to know that Karin has spent a lot of time nurturing me back to health and teaching me about the bonds and commitment of a true friendship. She has taken the time to tell me everyday that she believes in me and that has slowly squashed my self doubt and given me the strength to stand on my own two feet and talk loudly about what I believe to be right. Because of this commitment and bond I feel a responsibility to her feelings in my decision making process, you have taught me a lot Karin and I have no intentions of keeping this knowledge hidden from the rest of the world, I will share this new found love that friendship brings with all that I know and those that I meet, thank you Karin. I would like to get back to Nancy for a moment, it is odd how people are thrown into our lives, I worked on two movies with Cindy, Nancies daughter, both on the west coast, oddly enough Cindy lived in Nashville, another coincidence, well after we finished the second movie we just so happened to be on the same flight home so I hung out with Cindy and her boyfriend until our flight the following day , we went sailing with another friend from the movie and I got so drunk all I remember was cutting out an I patch and acting like a pirate the whole time we were out. Well when the night was over and we went back to Cindies parents house we were greeted by her mother, I was so drunk I had already been passed out in the car for an hour or so but this woman made me feel right at home, I remember her making us all ice cream. This is the important part, this woman had a son named jimmy who is no longer with us, at the age of 30 his life was taken by drug addiction, his eyes were closed to life for what reason we may never know, but one thing I do know is I cannot even imagine the pain and hurt this wonderful woman had to deal with, my heart breaks for her. So I make this promise to you Nancy, I will spend my life trying to open peoples eyes to life so that their families and friends will not have to suffer the unbearable pains that you have suffered, your life experiences have now become mine and I will use them to open all the eyes that I can to this wonderful life we are able to live.

To comment three, you are absolutely right, I have been so focused on other people that ive gotten a little side tracked, I must say thank you, I do not want to loose focus on my life and what is important to me, and that is dealing with my own every day ups and downs because if I let them pile up I am sure to be right back where I started, thank you once again. One of your questions was about aa, I will offer two of my opinions on aa so I will not be understood, I believe aa to be an outstanding organization that helps a lot of people but it is not for me, I cannot handle the endless stories of drugs and alcohol, it keeps them on my mind all the time and the more I think of them the more chance I have of using, In this new life that I am living my full concentration is on taking steps to fix the problems of the past and then focus on making the changes in my life so I may walk with my head held high, im sure that aa is similar to what im doing but ive never spent enough time there to know, I just never felt welcome their.

As for my son I had a great time working with him, he is very smart and a good worker, he definitely made my job easier while he was there, its so nice to spend time with him, I hope more opportunities like that come up. I believe we will have great relationship in the future.

As for my boss and the race car I have been waiting patiently, he has told me two Tuesdays in a row that we are going to the track to practice and both Tuesdays he got to busy to go, it has been very disappointing both times, ive come to the realization that I will believe it when I see it and im not holding my breathe. I am finding that im not very happy at my job at all, and seeing that I spend a lot of time there something needs to be done about this, I will either have to find a way to be happy or find another job, I refuse to be unhappy for forty ours a week of my life, there's got to be a solution and I know I can find it as long as I am looking for it, more tomorrow on that subject as I am very tired and have the gym to go to in the morning, thanks to all for reading, James

day 41

Day41, well it is six thirty in the morning and I believe it will be another great day, Steve I am so happy for your family and you, it will not be easy, as a matter of fact it will get harder but even the hard times are a pleasure when you start making the changes in your life that make you a role model for the people around you, that is definitely one of the main ingredients of stayen clean.

Cynthia, my heart aches for you but my faith in you has not waivered, in fact is has grown stronger, it takes a lot of courage to make a mistake and not run and hide, you owned your feelings and did not leave me wondering, I would much rather know what is going on in your life, good or bad than not hear from you and have to wonder if you are ok, I will continue to be here for you, I have more than enough love in my heart to share with you and that is something I will continue to do, I also know that as an addict it is hard to trust others but I will not stop trying to gain your trust, I do not care what race you are, how tall or short, how big or small, I am here for you, you have my number, if you call I will stand right beside you to help you get started, there are a lot more people than just me that care about you, call me, your life will change.

Well today is Tuesday and I have already gone to the gym, I feel like I own the place now, no worries. Today I would like to talk about what I see in the future for this blog, I believe that my blog alone can only take a small bite out of what seems to be a hole bushel of apples, and what works for me definitely won't work for everyone. Steve, I believe if you are truly serious about staying clean I think it is time we hear from you, I would like to see my blog turn into two blogs with different opinions as to reach more people, and those two blogs to turn into four, and so on and so on. You have the chance to set the example for hundreds of people that have suffered just as you have for years, it is a big responsibility, but your blog will hold you accountable and you will find in no time that you no longer have to hide from yourself, the world will start looking to you for answers and you will find that being on this stage forces you to do what's right. The joy that you will feel is so overwhelming drugs and alcohol just wont be a part of your life, this blog and taking the steps to set the example have saved my life and I hope to return the favor as many times as I can, if you start your own blog I will be your number one follower, its time to take a stand. James

day 40

Day 40, well it is six in the morning and I feel great, I am looking forward to today, my son Harley is going to work with me. He only has two days until he starts school and since I'm not at home anymore I don't get to see him very much so it should be a good day. I'd like to talk about this project t I started forty days ago and try to break down how it has worked for me so far. It seems when I started this I had no idea what I was doing or what the outcome would be, I just knew I was absolutely miserable and nothing could be worse than how I had felt for all those previous years. I also knew there was no way I could I could quit quietly, ive spent the last twenty eight years letting myself and everyone around me down. Surprisingly I still had one person in my life that was still willing to take a chance on me, without her there was no way I had the strength to make it in the beginning, it was the love in her eyes and when I actually saw it, it gave me a reason to try to stay clean. What I'm about to say goes against everything I have ever been taught about recovery and maybe it is not for you but it is exactly what I had to do. I could not get clean for myself, I think a lot of people cant and that is why the success rate is so low. I had absolutely no self worth there for no belief in myself, that opens the door for me to give up on myself at the drop of a hat, one little thing goes wrong in my life and I have an excuse to use. So when I quit I did it for my daughter at first and then when I started getting comments I did it for them. i told everyone around me what I was trying to do not really for the extra support but to make it harder for me to use without someone knowing. So in the beginning look to someone you love or is important to you and make a promise to them, a mother, brother, father, sister, your children even a close friend but make it someone that you look up to and ask them to hold you accountable. Take a good look at these people that care about you, look at these people and imagine that look of disappointment and the hurt that your broken promise has once again caused. This accountability is one of the main reasons I sit here today, through this accountability brought praise with every day that I put behind me and that praise slowly brought self worth, I wouldn't have lasted five days without this. when I first quit I felt awkward and out of place, my daughter took me to Coolidge park and down town by the aquarium to walk around, this is stuff ive never done before, I used to not go anywhere I couldn't drink beer so all these places were new and kind of intimidating to me, but I am learning the more you do something the less intimidating it will be.

Writing every day has been another big part of my recovery, I'm just not that good at expressing my feelings face to face, I find that writing about my feelings, fears, and hopes every day helps me to think about them a lot clearer and takes quite a bit of weight of my shoulders every day, my comment box is open to all that would like to shed some of their weight. I hope this advice may help other people live the good life, thank all of you so much for reading, it is you that now puts hope into my life. James

day 39

Day 39, well I have passed my biggest test to date, I feel very confused this morning and have a lot of things in my head to work out. Yesterday seemed to be very long and lonely, over the past week or so I have been realizing that all of the new friends I have made and the old friends that I have become reacquainted with live to far away for me to visit, the only person I have here to spend time with is my daughter and she has gotten back to her busy life of school and being a mother. This has left me spending a lot of time alone and it is starting to wear on me. Since I started rebuilding my life some of the people that were in it didn't want me around anymore and I was ok with that because I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I thought when they see how good I am doing things will change,I now know this is not the case. Last night, after a very long and lonely day I felt I was hit by a sledge hammer, I will not get into details as this is not about pointing the finger at anyone, this is about learning how to deal with the shots life takes at you. Well this is the hardest that I had been hit in my thirty nine days of actually living, I witnessed betrayal, I felt anger, serious thoughts of violence and then the hurt set in. It was all I could do to get to the safety of my daughters house as fast as possible so I could figure this out before my past ways took over. I woke up this morning with no smile on my face and no tears of joy coming from my heart, just a mind full of despair. I have thought long and hard this morning and have come to the realization that this is living, learning, and part of loving, I will not lay down to life and I will not let it kick me around without a fight. Today I make a commitment to myself, yes myself, and to all that are in my life, I will not be weakened by this world, I will use all the hurt it has to offer to gain strength, even on my worst day I will spend my time trying to inspire all that will listen, just because I am not smiling today does not mean I cannot put a smile on somebody else's face, I am not smiling today but the strength of ten men has grown to eleven. This will help me lead the way to a better life for all. James

Ps I would like to say thank you to all that have commented, I believe they are the key to success for the people that are ready to begin a new life, ml I have not lost faith in you, I'll be here whenever you're ready. James

Well I feel it a must to pss all of you once again, I stopped on my way home from work to check my email and there was a new message, when I read it all the feelings I had been through yesterday seem to be replaced with joy once again, extreme joy. I am so happy that I am not high so I will remember the ups and downs of this roller coaster, it is an unforgettable ride at this point, Cynthia is getting aboard tomorrow, tears of joy once again, I hope that all of you keep her in your hearts and prayers, aaaahhhhhhh the things life has to offer. James

day 38

Day 38 well I almost talked myself out of going to the gym this morning because I'm still very sore from Thursday, but it seems I found a new motivation in my life when I read the comments this morning. I would like all of you to please read the eighth comment on day 36 so you will have a better understanding of what I'm talking about. I never imagined I would be at such a wonderful place in my life, it is only day 38 for me but I feel like I have the strength of ten men, life is getting harder for me each and every day, there are decisions to make, doubts to fight, and everyday battles that pop up out of nowhere. But I am for once in my life fighting these everyday battles with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart that I have never known before. This new life that I am living would have never started without the love and support that I have received from not only friends and family, but a lot of people I did not even know. I know ive said all this before but today I'm going somewhere else with it so please pay attention. Because of all of you I have gained the self worth and love for myself that I needed to begin living a very honest and happy life, I am now able to make the right decisions when those bad thoughts come into my mind, and believe me they still do. Not only that but I am working full time, and I am able to drive around with money in my pocket without the fear of letting myself down once again. This is not something that just popped in my head, this is something that all of you had to keep reminding me day after day after day. THAT I AM WORTHWHILE. I am now at a point in my life that I am starting to believe this and I have never felt more proud of myself and where I am going, but this journey is just beginning for me and that brings me to my point, I know I am not in a position to ask anything from the people reading this blog, the support I have received has already been overwhelming to say the least but I will ask anyway, there is a reader named Cynthia that needs the same love and support that I have been receiving since day 1 , I want her to feel the same love in her heart as I do but I cannot show her this alone, I ask that you talk to her through your comments and help her gain the strength that she needs to be able to wake up with a smile on her face and a love for life. Cynthia I want you to know thirty nine days ago I was under the belief that I had absolutely nothing to offer this world, as a matter of fact I thought it would be better off without me, but I was wrong. I now believe that I can save lives and I will continue trying to do this for many years to come, I am no better than you and if you can just get past your doubts and start believing in yourself I think you will find that love and happiness that everyone seeks and just so you know I have been praying for you since the day I read your first email this blog has been written with love. James

Ps, I am posting at eight thirty in the morning, my last post was only ten hours ago but felt this could not wait till this evening, thank you, James

day 37

day 37 wow am I sore from the gym yesterday, me and three others poured concrete yesterday after the gym and I didn't start feeling it until last night, I got off work early yesterday and when I got to where I was staying I took a two hour nap and when I woke up I could hardly move, I guess I'm doing it right if I'm sore but not hurt. Anyway its six thirty and I'm waiting on my boy Harley so I can take him to get his learners permit. Last night when we were talking he told me that he's been reading my blog and that he hasn't been mentioned once. Well I would like to tell all of you about my son Harley, he is sixteen and very responsible, he doesn't need to be told to do homework or get up for school or even a certain time to be home at night, this last school year he was trying to get a job a month before school even got out, and he got one, the only complaints I heard out of him was when he didn't get forty hours or more, there could not be a parent anywhere more proud of their kids than I am of him especially when I think of the lack of guidance he has had, I love you and I am very proud of you.

Thank you Jenifer for your comment yesterday, it seems that I get a lot of answers about how to get off drugs from people who have never been under their spell. I hope nobody takes that the wrong way, I learn from every bodies comments. We need more people like you to step up and sign their name to their mistakes and what they have gone through, and I'm not just talking about drugs, I'm talking about all the problems life hands us. It seems most people are ashamed or embarrassed of their poor choices or mistakes that they have made in life, people try to tip toe around them or sweep them under the carpet when actually they are some of the best lessons we will learn. Hiding your problems will never solve them, only prolong them. To solve these problems of life you must make them the topic of conversation as to gain several different solutions to pick from, in this process your problems will get solved as other people will learn what not to do. I truly believe the past is the past; you cannot change it so the next best thing is to learn from it and teach others as well. I believe the more you do this, you will not only build character, but people will have a new found respect for you. The weight of the world will slowly fall off your shoulders and this struggle of life will turn into a stroll in the park as intended. Thanks again Jenifer for signing your name to your past, I believe this is the first step to a new life. James

day 36

Day 36 well today is my first day at the gym, its five in the morning and I'm sitting in the parking lot getting ready to go in, the reason I came so early is because ive never been to a gym before and I feel a little intimidated trying something new that I know nothing about, and it's not that I'm that unhealthy, cause I'm not, ive worked hard all my life and even with all the drugs and alcohol and smoking I can still just about out work most people, I think anyway. Well I guess it's time for me to get this first visit over with and do away with this intimidation, talk to you in a bit. Well its five forty and now I kind of know what I'm doing, just like most things in life that intimidate us, the more you learn about it the less intimidating it is, I am glad I have taken this step.

Today I would like to reflect on how I have found such peace and happiness in my life, people reading this may think hey, it was his time, or he finally hit bottom and was ready to take the steps to quit. It was my time twenty eight years ago when I started and I know I hit bottom at least twenty years ago but I just couldn't quit. I did not care or love myself enough, I would make promises to myself all the time, tonight's my last night, constantly for over a decade, I could not keep a promise to myself no matter how hard I tried. I'm starting to realize it is because I did not believe in myself; ive had more people believe in me than most others, I think, but it has never been consistent, due to my constant screw-up's. I have never had any type of stability in my life and have learned that if I screw up all I have to do is move somewhere else for a while, I have no problem moving to a new town, getting a new job and starting a new life, ive done many a many a times before, it seems to be easy for me. I have been to jail twice and rehab three times, twice by my own accord. So please believe me when I say every addict wants to be clean but without some type of hope for a better life they cannot find their way out of the hole. That brings me to my point, when I started this blog I had absolutely no hope, and I sit here clean today not because of my will to stay clean but because of the love that was shown to me through this blog, that love gave me a reason to keep a promise, but that promise was not to myself, it was to the people not only sharing their love but also holding me accountable, because if it was a promise to myself I would have failed once again. I am at day thirty six and yesterday was the first day that I realized I am finally starting to love and care about myself, now I am ready to keep a promise to myself. You see for me, there was no way I could've just quietly stayed clean, I had to make myself accountable to the world, I have no idea who's reading this or watching me so if I screwed up this time there was a comment box for anyone to call me out, and there's no up and moving because the internet goes a little further than my neighborhood. I believe if your addiction is as bad as mine was you will not start living until you own your addiction and put it on the front page for everyone to read, I am ashamed of the way I used to live my life but I no longer live in shame, since I made the front page I live with pride and confidence. It is very very important that I let everyone who reads this know that it was not my will power that has brought me here, it was the love and encouragement from the people reading this that has inspired me to continue and the accountability of being on front street that has kept me from slipping, thank all of you for bringing me a new life. ml, Cynthia, and anyone else out there ready to join in on this happiness, email me, we will get you started. I will continue to stand strong for myself and all of you. James

dat 35

Day 35 I am starting to believe being an addict makes it much simpler to get through life, but I am learning that all you are doing is getting through life, not living it. I have a lot to learn about this range of emotions, feelings of sadness, doubt, loneliness, anger, dissapointmement, failure, anxiety and on the other side there is hope, happiness, love, the joy of giving, friendship, companionship, and the empowering feeling that we get when we stand up for what is right. It seems one of these bad things always leads to one of these good things and vice versa. Somewhere along the line as I was growing up I was lead to believe that feelings like sadness and doubt were bad and spent the majority of my life hiding in drugs and alcohol to avoid them. As I am slowly teaching myself how to live life instead of just get through it I am realizing that I no longer believe this to be true. All feelings are good, especially the ones we believe to be bad, and without them we lose the appreciation for the other. I now welcome these feelings into my life because I am realizing without knowing these feelings I will not know life, they are all a tool to educate me in how I am to live, I will no longer just get through life, I will live in and embrace every part of it. I have learned something very important to my growth yesterday, I was very excited about to different things yesterday and neither one of them happened, I felt very let down but the more I thought about it I realized no one made any promises to me I just assumed what the outcomes of our conversations would be, I think a lot of people say things in hopes of doing it and when it doesn't happen the people they said it to feel let down, it's not that there was bad intentions , I have told people I would do something g time and time again and not followed through, and not because of bad intentions, things just happen. I have decided to learn from these let downs instead of being consumed b y them, and I will use this method in a lot of other aspects of my life as well, I will take those feelings of let down and use them to strengthen my character, I will be more conscious of the promises I make as to not make other people feel as I did yesterday, from now on in my life I wan t people to know that I can be depended on, that is how I will live. I feel that I have already become a small hill of strength for people to lean on, it most definitely brings joy to my life and I feel the more I learn and make these changes, the more I see that hill growing into a mountain.

I would like to thank Mark Kennedy once again for going out on that limb for me, and it's good to have you back jack. james

day 34

Day 34, well everything in my life has changed so much in the last thirty four days, the light at the end of my tunnel is so bright now I can barely look at it. Well it seems I have two major problems that need to be taken care of, where to live, and the worst of the two, legal issues, I think most druggies have legal issues, luckily mine are only crimes committed against myself. You see I got arrested last year for a crack pipe and when I went to court they put me on probation and I had to drug test, being the idiot that I was I failed my first test. Well the judge gave me a year without even thinking about, after about two months he let me out on house arrest, I did pretty good on it, I'm not saying I wasn't using , just being more careful and not using as much. Well after about five months they got me with another dirty test. So I guess if they want they can put me in jail for seven months. I do not go anywhere without looking over my shoulder; I won't get into a car that's not registered, either way it's an awful way to live. I will try to save up enough money for a lawyer and bail money over the next month. Hopefully the judge will see the changes I have made in my life and the things I'm trying to do with this blog and take those things into consideration, the last thing I want to happen is to lose all you people reading my blog. Either way the court decides to go; this is a problem that I need to take care of. Ive had a hard time talking about this because I feel like I'm letting everyone down but the more I think about it the more I think telling you is the right thing to do. I would feel twice as bad if I got pulled over and taken to jail and was just gone, that definitely would not be fair to all that have stood by me.

In this new life of mine I have learned that you are only as good as your word, and that is exactly what I will be, I have already talked to Hilary and she said if they put me in jail I can write her and she will post. It might take a little bit to get the posts back on schedule because sometimes you can sit in a holding tank for days before they move you to where you can have a pencil and paper. Whatever they decide I will make the best of it, if I am in jail I will write about jail, well anyway that won't be for a couple of weeks but I thought it was only fair that all of you know what may be to come. James