Day 65 I definitely feel a calmness today, like the world has slowed down a bit, ive just about kicked what ever I had out of my system, I believe I will be as good as new tomorrow. John actually had to wake me up this morning, at six forty five I was still sleeping, and sleeping good, if he hadn't woke me up I would have had two guys standing around waiting on me, that wouldn't have been good but I got up, no harm no foul. As for this calmness, I believe it comes from a couple of things, talking about my concerns yesterday instead of keeping them in and spending time wandering when its not even necessary, communication is a beautiful thing. There's another reason I feel so content, the realization of all the wonderful friendships that I have throughout this nation, and I am in very good company here in Okmulgee as well. I find myself wondering, with so many people that take the time out of there busy lives and spend it with me, where does this loneliness come from, as I sit here and think about it, im starting to believe it comes from fear, fear that im not good enough to be with anyone, fear that im not important to anyone, if I were to die tomorrow, who would show up at my funeral. I am living a new life now and new things take adjusting to, so these fears come from my old life style and it will take a lot of time to rid my mind of the past and how I used to feel about myself. I am slowly doing it with the help of all of my friends, people who do care about me, and what happens to me, without the love that has been shared with me by others through this journey of mine this would have most certainly been a very short trip. There is no way I believe a person can go through the transformation that I have without the love of others, I cannot imagines it to be possible. I am truly beginning to believe that people do love and care about me, I feel a trust in the world starting to grow in me. this morning I realized I do have love in my life, it didn't hit me like a brick, more like a big fat juicy steak dinner that you savoir, it came on slow and just kept filling me more and more until all I wanted to do was sit back and enjoy every thing about these most peaceful feelings, everything seems warm and slow, unexplainable. LOVE, I am learning can be a very joyous thing, it is very new to me so I walk through these feelings with caution but for some reason I feel no need for caution with this friend I speak of, I have no doubts or fears about this friendship, only hopes of giving as much as im getting, ive come to the realization that im not alone in this world, there is no hole that needs to be filled anymore, It seems I owe my life to all that have helped guide me down the right path with their love and if its possible I owe even more to that friend that has truly shown me what love feels like, all I can say is wow, James
thanks jim for your comments about fear-i am still struggling with the fear somedays of everything-fear of rejection,fears of disapproval-fears of just anything and everything-so thanks for letting me know im not alone in that-glad to hear youre feeling better-hope your friendship with this person works out for you-take care-hope you have a good holiday weekend-cynthia
ReplyDeleteHi Jim, So glad to hear that you're feeling better. You must have really needed that extra sleep.....glad that it worked out for you. I hope that you take time to relax this weekend and maybe do something that's just fun. I assume that you don't have to work on Labor Day, do you? Are you close to where your mother & aunt grew up? If you aren't too far away, you should go visit the area they grew up in sometime. Try to find some things you can do with your time when you're not working, as everybody needs time to just rest, relax, and also do some fun things that interest them. As Cynthia mentioned, I'm also happy for you and hope this special friendship works out for you. Hope you have a wonderful, relaxing weekend. God Bless! Nancy
ReplyDelete"A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24
ReplyDeleteGlad you're feeling better, Jim! Have a great weekend!
Blessings,
Jack
Jimmy, You are absolutely right, communication is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteIn order for other to like you, you have to like yourself and in order for others to love you, you need love yourself.
You are almost there........you are starting to like yourself and be pourd of yourself. Once you love who you have become, then you are ready for others to love you.
Think about what I have said. As a relative, I am bound to love you, you have my sisters blood and therefore mine. But to find a companion to love you, you have to like and care about the person you are. Take some time to find yourself.
Aunt P
Jimmy, Part of giving back to a person sharing thier love with you is just allowing it to happen and loving yourself, realizing that you MUST be a person worthy of the love and admiration of others, else they wouldn't give it to you, right? The love someone gives you, if it truely is love worth receiving, is given to you because you are worthy of it. It also comes with the hope that it be returned...hope, not condition that it be returned. If love is conditional, then there might be an issue. If I love myslef enough to truely recieve love from others, then it is real...like some crazy love circle! We are all dependent on loving oursleves in order to give and recieve love out into the world. I know, I know...sounds like some hippie mumbo-jumbo but, whatever works! I love you! Karin
ReplyDeleteYou are very worthy Dad and always will be. We can't always pick our blood family but like we do so well we adopt new members and we are getting bigger everyday. We all love you!
ReplyDeleteHey Jimmy, I am back after a long absence from your blog. I am so happy to see how you have kept it going. I am going to keep going chronologically until I catch back up to you.
ReplyDelete