day 90

Day 90 well today is three months clean, it seems I am a different person with a new life, I am living proof that you can rewrite who you want to be, but it doesn't work unless you live it, I feel I have risen above and beyond my own expectations, ninety days ago I had no self worth, barely a place to live, and was unable to have any type of healthy relationship with anyone. I lived to escape life every day, it was all I knew, and all I wanted to do. My goal in life was to make money and get high, that's as far as I could see, I was truly caught up on a never ending path that only got darker and lonelier as the days went by.. I was definitely being deceived by drugs and alcohol and could not see past my own misery and fears, I am happy to say I have squashed my misery and now see fear as something to conquer, I look forward to the challenge of life every day, yes there is still fear in my life but I no longer run from it, it seems now I am able to see right through it, fear is not the block wall I used to think it was, and it seems pretty weak if you find the right spot to hit it in, I now look forward to finding and removing different fears that I have from my life every day. I now realize all those years of chasing happiness through drugs and alcohol only took me the opposite way, instead of easing my pain it only brought more on, adding more guilt and humiliation to my already broken spirit, it is a very vicious circle that seems to be impossible to break when you are blinded by it. Hope has to come from somewhere outside the circle because there is none on the inside or it wouldn't exist.

I would like to talk about what I have gained in my first ninety days, self worth, pride, values, morality, a good job, a nice place to live, the strongest friendships I have ever known, respect from others, and a love I thought only existed in fairy tales and movies, I have really gotten to know someone and I have never felt so close to anyone before, I don't even know how long we have been talking but I feel as though she has been a part of my life forever, even though we have never met face to face, well that ends today, we have been very open and honest with each other and I love who this person is, and I believe with all of my heart she feels the same, I am so looking forward to this new adventure of love, I will leave no stone unturned and learn all that I can about these new found feelings that I now have in my life, I will pay even more attention to my values and morals as to not break these bonds of trust we have between us, I will do every thing in my power to keep this relationship as strong and as healthy as anyone could ask for, I love the changes I have made in my life, I love who I have become, and I absolutely love everything about living, thank all of you for showing up and keeping me pointed in the right direction, without all of you none of these things I now have would be reality, James