He awakes in the back seat of a station wagon, his sister still sleeping and his mother sobbing hysterically as the car speeds down the road. He had spent the first four years of his life in flintstone georgia, and that would be the longest time he would ever stay in one spot again until he passes the age of twenty, james seemed to be a very intelligent child, his emotions and feelings running on overtime. As he sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes, mind reeling from his memory of the night before, he looked to see his mother sobbing, crying hysterically, but even at the young age of four he knew there was nothing he could say, he already knew his place, he had never felt love from his mother, like he belonged with her or was special to her, he felt more of a nuisance, a burden, maybe even the cause of all the chaos he has witnessed at such a young age, he feels alone and insecure, unwanted, he tries to erase the thought of being the root of the problem and attempts to comfort his mother, digging for some type of comfort for himself at the same time, searching for a sense of belonging, to know that through all this chaos he is loved and special to someone meant everything, but that is not how this scenario played out, his mother was hurt, angry and scorned, the damage she was about to cause was the last thing on her mind, shut the fuck up and sit down, I fucking hate you, you and your father, I don't want to hear a word from you until I speak to you, you fucking little pain in my ass, not a fucking word, James sat back in his seat, feeling scared and alone, feeling unwanted and as is if he was the problem, his parents seemed to love his older sister but he could do no right, know matter how hard he tried to gain love and acceptance from them, he failed.
James, that is heart breaking!!! I am so sorry you suffered through that. You didn't deserve that. No child deserves that. Sometimes parents go through their own set of drama as children and adults and because they never deal with it, their issues are outwardly displayed unfairly on their kids. Everyone battles their own demons and your mother obviously was battling hers. My dad battled some heavy ones his whole life too and because of it, I never knew if he loved me until shortly before he died. He put me down so I didn't even know what self-esteem was. Although I grew up wounded because of him, I was later able to heal as an adult & become a better parent because of it. I refuse to let history repeat itself. I have in no way been a perfect parent, but I am loving my kids the way I wish I was loved. May God Bless you & show you just who you really are through HIS eyes!! I will be praying for you as you continue to heal.
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