page 116

Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James

Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James

page 115

Page 115 ive really been doing a lot of thinking, ive been very worried about myself and afraid of failing because I feel like I cant get past this wall, so I have taken the advice of my readers, I spoke with some people from a first Baptist church today a made a commitment for Sunday morning, ten thirty, I am realizing I did not get this far by waiting for things to happen, and if I don't seek out things to make my life better, it wont be. It seems like my mind was starting to slip back into my old way of thinking and I know where that will get me, ive been there and it wasn't fun before so im sure it wont be now, so I will take the steps to make change in my life and I will follow the advice of all of you people that have kept me going so far, id like to give special thanks to my friend in chatt who seems to be doing very well and took the time to call me and tell me to get to church, thanks to all the comments and please kept them coming, James

the question

A question for those who dare to answer, I am at a serious crossroads in my life, I cannot find an once of happiness in anything no matter how hard I try, I have not given up, but have been afraid to talk about how I really feel, suicide has never been far from my mind, not to worry, there always seems to be a glimpse of hope just off the horizon, I just cant seem to get there, I am doing everything in my power to find a reason to enjoy life but it seems very hard for me, am I being a spoiled brat, I feel like most of the time I am very much luckier than most, things just seem to happen for me, a lot more than most, but what good is all that I have if I am miserable in my mind, I thought for most of my life the drugs were my problem but I have proven that to not be so. So is the problem me? Im I mental, it seems when a woman wants to be close to me, I push them away, when I find a woman I want to be close to, she doesn't, I wanted a house, I got it, still unhappy, I wanted a good job, I got it, still unhappy, I need answers, there's got to be a reason for all of this, why am I so lucky in life and so unloved, is it a trade off, am I unloved or is it just me, my mind not being right, I have been here before and turned around, I don't want to turn around this time, I want to make it to the next level, kind of like a video game I guess, It seems I can let my life go straight down to nothing, being homeless, and I seem to enjoy those two or three months getting to where I am now but I don't seem to enjoy this part of it, the regular living, ive got to figure it out and soon because I don't know how much longer that glimpse of light will be there, James

day 114, im alive

Day 114, im alive, well its been awhile, ive really been going through an eternal struggle, and im happy to say im coming out on top. Ive been very confused with life lately, I have so much going for me but at the same time I feel so unhappy, I guess im not used to long term situations, and that's what im finally in, im not going to drop and run this time, I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions and start thinking about the long term of life and five years down the road. Ive been here before and let everything go, not this time, I am not going to get beaten by life, or give up hope that I will find a purpose for me and see the light of happiness in my life, I just about let it get me but im back and strong as ever, I am very blessed with a beautiful house, lots of land and plenty of animals that need my love and attention, the rest will come in time, James

day113

Day113, well today was a rough Monday, im, very stressed and not enjoying my job, I feel like I am running myself ragged trying to keep my guys caught up, and that's not my job, ive never been in a position where I supervise five guys, im so worried about falling behind, im running around trying to do there jobs for them instead of doing mine, I love the responsibility, I just need to learn how to stay in control of it. Im learning there is a fine line between friends and employees, and there is also a fine line between being a good boss that cares, or a boss that just sucks the life out of employees and moves on to the next, I am in favor of being a boss who cares, the hard part is finding the line between stern and asshole, and walking it. I must keep in mind in order to do my job I must first keep it, and if employees start to take advantage of my kindness, I don't lose money, my boss does, and in turn, im not doing my job cause if I was, he would be making money, not losing it, if it seems as if im babbling im sorry, im just trying to put things into perspective for myself, business is business and this is what I need to learn if im going to move up a notch or stay at this level forever. I believe I need to work on being more callus, not in a mean or cold way, just more able to base decisions on right or wrong instead of how I feel. The more the responsibility, the harder the decisions, and if you don't make them by what is best for business, you loose the responsibility of making them.

On another note, it seems lately ive been going through a bit of depression, ive never believed in depression before, I always thought it was the drugs I was on or coming off of that made me feel so down, hopefully it will pass, but if it doesn't, I wont try to mask it, I will face it head on and deal with it, and grant, you don't have to worry about me becoming addicted to religion or anything else, I will feel, no matter how bad it hurts, at least I know im alive, maybe I can spend Christmas with you in Mexico, that would be nice. Jim

Day113, well today was a rough Monday, im, very stressed and not enjoying my job, I feel like I am running myself ragged trying to keep my guys caught up, and that's not my job, ive never been in a position where I supervise five guys, im so worried about falling behind, im running around trying to do there jobs for them instead of doing mine, I love the responsibility, I just need to learn how to stay in control of it. Im learning there is a fine line between friends and employees, and there is also a fine line between being a good boss that cares, or a boss that just sucks the life out of employees and moves on to the next, I am in favor of being a boss who cares, the hard part is finding the line between stern and asshole, and walking it. I must keep in mind in order to do my job I must first keep it, and if employees start to take advantage of my kindness, I don't lose money, my boss does, and in turn, im not doing my job cause if I was, he would be making money, not losing it, if it seems as if im babbling im sorry, im just trying to put things into perspective for myself, business is business and this is what I need to learn if im going to move up a notch or stay at this level forever. I believe I need to work on being more callus, not in a mean or cold way, just more able to base decisions on right or wrong instead of how I feel. The more the responsibility, the harder the decisions, and if you don't make them by what is best for business, you loose the responsibility of making them.

On another note, it seems lately ive been going through a bit of depression, ive never believed in depression before, I always thought it was the drugs I was on or coming off of that made me feel so down, hopefully it will pass, but if it doesn't, I wont try to mask it, I will face it head on and deal with it, and grant, you don't have to worry about me becoming addicted to religion or anything else, I will feel, no matter how bad it hurts, at least I know im alive, maybe I can spend Christmas with you in Mexico, that would be nice. Jim

day112

Day112, I haven't written in several days, im having a very hard time finding any signs of life outside of work, if it wasn't for my job I believe I would have absolutely no life at all, im feeling very alone and its hard to find things to be happy about, it seems the struggle is back in my life once again, lately ive come to terms with the fact that I just cant seem to get a social life so ive been working myself into the ground, making myself to mentally and physically tired to think about feeling so alone, I have to wonder if there will be happiness for me or if im always going to struggle with trying to be happy, I am alive and doing ok, and im not willing to go backwards anytime soon, I know that will lead me to unhappiness and being broke, so for now I will continue to fight the unhappiness and hope it pays in the long run, I am sorry if ive left any of you worrying, im just not sure how I feel or what to write, I thank you all, Jim

day111

Day111, im feeling a bit upset today, alone I guess and kinda hurt, I believe when you go out of your way to help other people you shouldn't expect anything back, and I don't want to expect anything back, but I do, I guess it still bothers me when people don't offer something in return, maybe that's normal, I don't know. I feel conflicted, kind of angry that im not getting anything in return, and im starting to feel like I don't want to help others, fuck em, what do they do for me, but I know in my heart this isn't right, I don't want to not care, but it seems the less you care, the more people want to be a part of your life, I don't understand it, im tired and frustrated and feel like I just want to be left alone but I don't want to be lonely, im feeling pretty upset and confused, am I not good enough, am I to nice, do I try to hard, what am I doing wrong, James

day110, age 5

Day110, age five, I have to say I don't remember much from this period in my life, but there are three more things that I do remember, one of them is being slapped by a stranger after school, an adult, I don't remember what I did wrong but I do remember being slapped so hard across my face, and my mother screaming and yelling at this guy, I was actually scared for that guy, my mother was very angry. I also remember killing a pigeon, I didn't kill him on purpose, and I felt awful when I found him dead, we had an alley behind our house and there was ivy growing up the fence, there was a hole in the fence, a small one and I guess the bird made a nest in it, I saw the bird fly into the hole one day and used a piece of cardboard to trap the bird in there, I remember being very excited cause I caught a bird, I ran around and told everyone I knew but in a day or two I lost interest and forgot about him, when I checked on him a few days later he was dead, I felt really really bad and I took him out of that hole and hid him, I was so worried that someone would find out I killed him, I didn't do it on purpose but I felt super guilty, no one ever asked me about it though. I also remember the girl that lived downstairs, we used to hide in the closet and do things kids aren't supposed to do, look at each other naked, that kind of stuff. There's one more thing I remember, sitting at the kitchen table, my mother was dating, and I said something I guess I shouldn't of said, she slapped me, I don't remember why, or even who I was talking to, I just remember not knowing why, and feeling humiliated, I believe I might have been six by this time and I was shipped off to Tennessee to stay with my father. More about Tennessee tomorrow, James

day109

Day109 its Saturday morning, about five thirty, went to bed about twelve and been up since four, I wrote a blog last night but lost it while posting, I guess it wasn't supposed to be there, my mind is really wandering, Kimberly moved out last night, im happy and sad, work is wonderful, I have a nice place to live and its going to be even nicer when I move out to the ranch, and im starting to have a lot of nice things but there's still an emptiness, I wanted to be with someone so badly and im sad it didn't work for kimberly and I but I also realize im not ready to make the sacrifices in my life to make her happy, so staying with her is only going to make me unhappy, I do feel a definite maturity coming to me that ive never known before, I and I like it very much but there is still a feeling of unhappiness or loneliness, I wouldn't call it depression, just kinda the feeling of being lost or unsure. There is definitely something missing in my life, but I will not try to mask these feelings, I will continue to search for what is missing, and live the best I can during the search, James

day108

Day108 well today was a true test for me, you see I have been feeling more and more lost over the last month, not as inspired as I usually am, and very emotionally confused, I am at a very new place in my life and as I learn how to live and take care of myself I also need to learn how to deal with my emotions, drugs and alcohol used to be my escape and after four months of doing so well I finally found an excuse to drink, I drank a twelve pack last night, I would like to blame it on my emotions but I believe that would be a lie, I used to love drinking and thought my real problem was crack, I don't know why but ive been missing drinking for a while, so I thought, I believe that twelve pack did me good, I don't know why I needed to be reminded that I don't want to drink but I did, I don't know how I drank every day before, this morning my body let me know how much It doesn't like alcohol, I had a terrible headache and felt very sick to my stomach most of the morning, and I didn't even enjoy the drunk. As a lot of people may view this as a failure, I will not, I have learned some valuable lessons and I am happy to say I don't enjoy drinking, not one bit, I could've easily jumped on a drunk train and rode this out for all its worth, blaming my emotions, the guilt of letting myself and others down, but to be honest with you, I don't really feel guilty, and as my head pounded this morning and I felt like I was going to be sick, I couldn't help but smile because I realized I am even stronger today than yesterday, and I am actually thankful that for only fourteen dollars and feeling sick for a while inspiration has returned to my life, hope once again roams in my mind, the number of days really don't matter to me anymore, the positive growth and maturity does, I was forewarned about getting into a relationship to soon and I thought I new what was best for me, I was very wrong, I still don't know exactly what I want, but I know now what I don't want, and that is to go backwards, I need not be in a hurry to have everything, and I must remind myself how very far I have come in such a short time, im already way ahead of my game, and as for drinking, I just don't like it anymore, what I do like is the life I am gaining, and the love and respect that I feel from those who care about me, James

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day107

Day 107 Mondays always seem to stress me out, I try not to let them but they do, I think because I have all weekend to think about what I need to do so Monday morning the list seems very long, there's so many places to start, things to get done, its hard to pick where to start, sometimes with so much going on it feels like nothing is getting done, and that really stresses me out, I have to watch myself so I don't get short with the people that I work with, we have three houses in progress right now and maneuvering the guys around and trying to keep everybody busy and doing the particular jobs each individual is good at can be a chore but I find it to be very enjoyable, I believe I am getting better and better at my job, I am learning a lot and even if it feels like things are going slow I know there not, its just self doubt trying to creep back into my life, four months seems like a life time to me and my old life style could easily be forgotten, and if that happens I could easily slip back into it, I could lose sight of the little mistakes and changes that lead to big mistakes and changes, I must check myself, four months is only the beginning for me, these changes I have made in my life are not set in stone yet and if im not paying attention I could easily slip, so attention I will pay, I haven't been writing everyday and I feel this is a mistake, or at least it could turn into a mistake, I guess I took on a little to much in my life, I will not do that again until I am ready, work and staying clean is more than enough for me to deal with at this point in my life, well that is it for tonight, and since I realize I need to be doing this every night, I will say it again, if you don't hear from me tomorrow, im an idiot, James

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day106

Day 106, I believe I will skip on the past for a day, I have some things I need to talk about that pertain to me continuing on this path to freedom from my old way of living, I am feeling the pressures of life bearing down on me and im trying way to hard to stay ahead of them, over the last month I have learned some very important lessons, I was warned by several people not to get into a relationship to soon but I thought I was totally in control of my life and I could take anything on, man was I wrong, im finding that I have absolutely no idea how to share myself and my life with anyone, I thought I was so ready to share my life with someone but now im finding the sacrifices I have to make are putting me right back where I was last year, and im not willing to go back to that unhappiness I lived in for so long, I feel like im being selfish, but I also believe the toughest decisions are always the most important, I am at a time in my life where it is very important that I be selfish and think of myself, or I could end up flat on my face, moving forward in my life is what is important to me so it is me I must think about, I have gotten a lot of good advice and ive also made a lot of good decisions and I look forward to keeping both of these things coming in my life. I love my job and all the responsibility it carries, its a lot to think about and I believe I was made for this job, and I realize that the only things I want in my life this early on is the responsibility of my job and spending every day walking through my life learning how to be a better person, working everyday on comunication skills, work ethics, and just being an all around good roll model for others to look up to, as time goes by I will continue to focus on the positives life has to offer, even in the hardest of times, that is truly what defines who we are, James

day 105 four years old

Day 105, back to rancho penosquitos, I do have some other memories from there, and one of them was a lot of fun, I don't remember who I was with but there was a bake sale at the school, I remember having a lot of fun there, I think I won a cake, they played one of those games with more people than chairs, where u walk around in a circle and everyone sits when the music stops, and they keep eliminating chairs till theirs only one person left, for some reason I think I remember winning a cake, I was very very happy about that. The last memory I have of that place wasn't a very good one, and I have to say this before I get into it, as a child there is no way I could possibly understand how hard it must have been for a single parent to try to raise two children, and as I look back now I can see how it all could be so overwhelming, but as a child I remember my mother always being gone, I had no concept of her being gone to work and support us, I just knew she wasn't there, and I remember one night she told my sister and I to do the dishes and she had to leave, I remember being very upset and telling my sister my mom didn't love us and only wanted us around to do her house work, that is how I felt, I don't know how a four year old could know these feelings but I did, I remember feeling like my parents didn't want me around, well when I said that to my sister my mother overheard me and got very upset with me, I remember her yelling at me and I was so very upset and scared, I believe this was a defining moment in my life, I thought I was older when this happened but I clearly remember the kitchen I was standing in, this is the last memory I have from age four.

The pink apartments, I have a lot of good memories fro this place, I believe I was five here because I remember having to take naps at school, the pink apartments were located in south park san diego, I don't know how long I lived here, but I do know I worked while I lived here, one of the biggest things I remember about living here is I always had money, u see at age five I used to go door to door asking people if I could wash there cars so I could make money, I remember having several of the same people every week that I would go to, I was very free as a child and pretty much did what ever I wanted, even at five, I spoke with my sister last night and she told me I also had a briefcase that I would put stuff in and try selling it door to door, I was a pretty outgoing child, I believe this is where I will stop for the night, this story will continue tomorrow, James

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day 104, four years old

First of all, I would like to thank my mother for getting some things straight from yesterday, comment 4 on day 103, now back to the story, it seems I was very accident prone when I lived in rancho penasquitos, I remember two injuries for sure but I think there was three, I remember someone gave me a bike, it was either my uncle Joe, which I think lived at the same apartments as us or my dad, for some reason I think he came to see us, I don't remember seeing him but I think that's where I got my bike from, anyway, someone was trying to teach me to ride it and I remember running into the curb, I was only four and I think it was a twenty inch bike, a little big for me. I ended up biting a hole through my tongue, they had to stitch the hole closed and I had to drink soup through a straw for what seemed like weeks, it didn't bother me much though because I liked soup a lot. Then there was our baby sitter, I remember she used to always ask if we had our fingers out of the car door before she closed it, and I always said yes, well one of the times I didn't, it messed my finger up so bad I had a cast all the way up my arm, my finger nail is still messed up to this day, another injury that happened which im not sure when but I think it was around this time was more stitches, it's the first memory I have of my sister, I set a board across a rock, like a see saw, and my sister put a rock on one side and told me to jump on the other, kids being kids, the end result was a rock splitting my chin open, back to the hospital for more stitches, I believe all of this happened in the same year but im not sure, another memory I have is stealing ten dollars out of my mothers purse and spending all of it on the ice cream man, I don't remember how she caught me, but I do remember lying to her when she asked me about it. I remember a lot more than what I thought, but im not going to get to it all tonight, but there is something I want gone from my life, something that someone did to an innocent child, a child that wanted nothing more than to make others happy, a child that would do anything to make friends, there was a man in a wheel chair that lived below us and he would ask me in his apartment all the time, I remember him getting me to give him oral sex, ive only told one person and that was very recent, I don't understand why I feel guilty or embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated, like I did something wrong, and the feeling of how people will look at me and what there thinking, but the point is I know im not the only one, and others are carrying things like this around with them to, things like this shouldn't be swept under the carpet, they should be dealt with, our society somehow has got it turned around, the innocent parties feel guilty and the guilty parties don't seem to care, well I care, and im ready to rid myself of the guilt and humiliation that this memory has kept inside my mind for so long, I hope my story will help others ease their minds of past memories, and if anyone reading this can set some of the facts straight I would really appreciate it, this story will continue tomorrow, James

day103

Day103 today I will begin the journey that has brought me to this day, I was born at memorial hospital in Chattanooga Tennessee, I lived in a little town called Flintstone Georgia, I don't remember much about my short stay their, I do remember I loved batman, we had a split foyer house and I used to run down the hall and jump down the stairs yelling batman, I also remember having an evil knievil motorcycle that you set on the little stand and wound up, I used to jump him off the stairs as well, I remember a steep driveway and a lot of cars in the driveway and a boat, but I don't remember ever going out in it, I remember trying to go to my grannies and a stranger, neighbor took me to his house for what seemed like hours until my parents were driving up and down the street yelling my name, I recall trying to hide from them but the man yelled at them and they came and got me, I don't have any memories of my parents at all during this time, not talking to them or sitting on there laps or even what they looked like, just a few memories of playing, I do remember being woke up and everything in the house was broken, there was a lot of yelling and screaming but I don't remember ever seeing anyone fighting, I have absolutely no memories of my older sister during this time at all, and I know we moved to California before I was five cause I wasn't in school yet, ive heard stories that we ran out of gas half way to California and my grandparents had to send my mom money but I don't know if that's true, I don't even remember where I herd that, but I know we moved to point loma ca by my grand parents, it was my sister and mother and me, if I recall correctly we used to walk on the beach to go to my grand parents, they lived in a yacht club, on a sail boat, but we didn't live there long, from there we moved to Penasquitos ca, I believe I was still about four years old, a lot happened to me here so this is where I will stop for the night, I hope this story doesn't bore you, until tomorrow, James

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day102

Day102 i believe that everything does happen for a reason, these last few weeks have been very confusing for me, I thought I was so ready for a commitment, ready to get on with the next step of my life, but I am starting to believe I was just afraid of being alone, trying to fix my insecurities by clinging on to the first person that showed any interest in me, I guess I didn't believe in myself as much as I thought I did. I have been in relationships non stop since I was eighteen, and on drugs since I was twelve or thirteen, I realize there is no way I know who I am and three months definitely isn't enough time to figure out exactly where I stand in life, to drag somebody else into my life when I don't even know where its going would just be selfish and foolish on my part. But I do believe that I met Kimberly for a reason, she has about the same amount of clean time and her own issues to deal with, today she started her own blog, and I was very impressed, you see I believe without my blog and getting honest with myself I wouldn't of made the changes that were necessary in order for me to be where I am today, I believe without this blog, if I was even still clean my life would be an everyday struggle to stay clean, and I would not be able to carry anywhere near the responsibilities that I do today. I am very much looking forward to watching my new friend Kimberly sift through her feelings and find the solutions she needs to make a better and happier life for herself, it always warms my heart to see people bring joy to themselves. Life seems to be such a struggle for a lot of people and happiness will never be found for those who never look, kimberly made her first post today and I believe she is a much better writer than me, so if you enjoy reading, her sight is butterflyunraveling.blogspot.com if you find the time, check it out. Until tomorrow, James

　v

day101

Day 101 lately I felt a loss for words, I know I am over the drug addiction, and alcohol, I am no longer blinded by them, its like I have risen above them and can finally see past the damage they have caused in my life, and will cause if I ever use them again, but I am realizing that is only the beginning of my growth, I have struggled quite abit with emotions and choices and making the right decisions for me to continue on this path. I am realizing I still have so much to learn, I feel there is not much difference between making important decisions and being cruel, but I know that I am not a cruel person, its just not in me, so maybe that's where a lot of my unhappiness has come from, worrying so much about hurting others and not worrying about my own happiness, I see this as a road to destruction, my destruction, I will continue to try to do what I can for others but I think I need to not make so many compromises to my own personal happiness from fear of hurting other peoples feelings, I have gotten a lot of good advice from all who read, but just like a child I have to stick my hand in the fire to see how hot it is, and as usual, fire is hot. I am very happy about where I am emotionally and how I am handling myself in unfamiliar situations but I must remember I already have a bunch of responsibilities and I have gained them in a very short time, I believe my job could be very overwhelming even for a lot of people who are not as far behind as I was in my life, but I love my job and find it to be very challenging and that makes it fun for me, I look forward to holding much more responsible positions in my future but I know I have a lot to learn about myself before I take on much more, quitting drugs and alcohol is just the beginning of rewriting my life, and deciding who I want to be, I going to start writing about my childhood and hope that anyone reading that knows me will offer bits and pieces as the story goes along because it is all very vague to me, and it is not to place blame on anybody, it is because I have lived a very adventurous life from a very young age and I believe it is a story that should be told. It will be a rollercoaster of emotion that will open peoples eyes and allow them to feel, highs and lows, and hopefully bring a new appreciation to the life around us all thanks to all for taking the time to read, James

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day100

Day100 its been a really good day, I believe not making decisions when you don't know what to do has worked out for me, this is a valuable lesson for me, things have just seemed to work themselves out for the best, and I didn't have to make any hasty decisions, I believe from now on if I am undecided about something I will not let myself be rushed into making any decisions until I am good and ready to, I will make sure I have weighed all the options and looked at all the angles and thought about how my decisions will effect all parties involved, that way I can feel good about who I am and what I stand for in this world, I love who I am, and what I stand for, and I will continue to find ways to be a better person, to set an example on how others should treat the people that are in and around their lives, I will not let my past stray far from my mind in order to keep these positive changes in my life growing bigger and bigger.

I believe over the next few days im going to think start thinking about my life and how it got to this point, the parenting that I had, or lack of, I have a lot of dark buried secrets that I am ready to be rid of, Im just not sure if im ready to relive them, I will think about a life story, a public life story, I believe this is the next step to my growth, James

day 99

Day99 it's a rough day for me, everything seems to going well but underneath it all I am an emotional wreck, im not sure how to handle any situation it seems, I want to be caring, but how much do I sacrifice, I want to be stern but where is the line where I am just being cold, it seems I must go deeper into work to keep my mind focused on something I know how to deal with, things I know how to fix, or my head just might explode, im I the only one who doubts my emotional judgment, or is this common in us all, I don't want to make foolish decisions that I will regret for a lifetime but decisions need to be made, life is very confusing and a lot harder than I thought, James

day98

Day 98 its actually day one hundred and two, it seems over the last couple of weeks I have missed four days, my life seems to be going very well, good job, nice place to live, but I feel like I'm still missing something, like there's more I should be doing, there's got to be more than just going to work and watching movies at night and then doing it all over again, im feeling a bit bored with life and need more, I need to do more, to achieve more, I feel like I am lost and cant find a starting point to get something going, I don't even know what I want to get going, but I know I m starting to feel lost for direction. My life is so much different than it was three months ago, and I love where I am, but I just know there are big things out there waiting to be done by me. I don't know what they are, but I know they are there.

Its Sunday afternoon and im going to a friends house for dinner, it seems im making a lot of new friends out here, its nice to meet new people that didn't know me the way I used to be, its hard to explain, but I like it. I believe I will talk more about this tomorrow, until then, James

day97

Day97 I believe over the last two weeks I have learned a lot about myself, it seems im still a child when it comes to relationships and me being able to share my life with others, I feel I have a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn before I am able to have that healthy relationship that I picture in my mind, I felt like I was so ready but now I realize over the last twenty eight years of being high and drunk my mind is still like that twelve year old that needs to develop, I have a long way to go before I am able to offer myself to anyone, and a lot to learn. Ive spent almost all my life in relationships and I have no idea how to take care of myself, as I am new to this life of making good decisions, I feel it is important and fair not only to myself, but to anyone that I am making commitments to that I take the time to get to know myself, and really learn more about where my life is headed, and who I am, I feel like ive been clean for ever and I can take on the world but I am realizing I am very new and have a lot of maturing to do, I think the important thing for me to learn here is that I still have a lot to learn and I need to slow down and learn it.

As for my meeting last night, I met the fire marshal and fire chief but that station is to far from where I live, but they pointed me in the right direction and I do not plan on quitting, I will go to the shulter fire station today and see about volunteering their, I am very much looking forward to being more and doing more than I am now, I intend to offer all that I can to this wonderful life, whether it be mine or yours or even someone ive never met, James

tweet me @jameshudnall

day96

Day96 well it seems ive missed another day, I have been taking on a lot lately and im finding it hard to manage my time, but I am enjoying all the extra stuff im doing, I still haven't got that daily schedule thing down yet and probably wont for a while as new things just keep happening everyday, my meeting last night got cancelled till Thursday, this is something I have gotten used to, it seems like every time I try new things something will try to stop it, but little does life know that only makes me want to do it that much more, I intend on winning in life no matter what new accomplishments im going after, there will be no walls to discourage me, I will go through them with a smile, the more life tries to step on me, the more I will look forward to finding a way through its obstacles, even though doing what's right is hard at times, I will find a way to do just that. I am growing more every day and I am starting to build an inner strength that cannot be broken, it comes from living my life by a higher standard than what society sees to be okay, a moral obligation to life itself, im not exactly sure what that means but that's what my mind is telling me to write. It is hard to explain or describe how I feel at times because these feelings and things I am going through are all so new to me, especially this feeling of the need to succeed, I no longer need excuses to quit or allow myself to fail, im just not going to, I don't know where this came from but god it feels good, you cannot succeed if you do not try and if you live in fear of failure your already failing, I wont go back to that life, I WILL WIN, James

tweet me @jameshudnall

day 95

Day95 I feel like I learn more and more everyday about life and how to make mine better, it seems back when I was on drugs I had absolutely no control of my emotions or decisions, as a matter of fact I would let my emotions or situations control my decisions therefore that is what controlled my life, not me or what I wanted, there was not very many rational decisions made by me back in those days, and it showed by how low and miserable I was living towards the end of my drug use. I have learned in the past ninety days not to let emotions make your decisions, the less control you have over your life the less happiness you will be able to grasp. Choices have been popping up in front of me all my life and ive spent the majority of it choosing the easiest or the fastest, not really caring about the long term effect, but I believe as my mind clears and I find more and more happiness in my life, fast and easy just doesn't seem to be the right choice anymore, it seems as I gain more control over my emotions I gain more control over my life, with this control I am able to point my life in any direction I choose and accomplish whatever goal I choose to take on in my life. It seems when I was on drugs and alcohol I was like a seven year old when it came time to deal with emotions, absolutely no control over them at all, therefore no control over my life, as I look back and see how powerful the drugs were and how weak and immature they made me, and feel the strength and control my mind now has that they are gone, I am in aw at the stupidity that was my life for so long. Please take the time to leave a comment as I really learn a lot from other peoples perspectives, James

Tweet me @jameshudnall

Day95 I feel like I learn more and more everyday about life and how to make mine better, it seems back when I was on drugs I had absolutely no control of my emotions or decisions, as a matter of fact I would let my emotions or situations control my decisions therefore that is what controlled my life, not me or what I wanted, there was not very many rational decisions made by me back in those days, and it showed by how low and miserable I was living towards the end of my drug use. I have learned in the past ninety days not to let emotions make your decisions, the less control you have over your life the less happiness you will be able to grasp. Choices have been popping up in front of me all my life and ive spent the majority of it choosing the easiest or the fastest, not really caring about the long term effect, but I believe as my mind clears and I find more and more happiness in my life, fast and easy just doesn't seem to be the right choice anymore, it seems as I gain more control over my emotions I gain more control over my life, with this control I am able to point my life in any direction I choose and accomplish whatever goal I choose to take on in my life. It seems when I was on drugs and alcohol I was like a seven year old when it came time to deal with emotions, absolutely no control over them at all, therefore no control over my life, as I look back and see how powerful the drugs were and how weak and immature they made me, and feel the strength and control my mind now has that they are gone, I am in aw at the stupidity that was my life for so long. Please take the time to leave a comment as I really learn a lot from other peoples perspectives, James

Tweet me @jameshudnallv

day94

Day 94 it seems I have missed two days in the last four, but not to worry, it has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, it has to do with life, you see I have gotten to this point in my life by talking about my everyday life with all of you everyday, and that has helped me to make the right decisions in my life, and I love how far I have come and all the extra responsibilities that have been placed on me because of my recent decision making and the way I now chose to live my life, but I am now faced with new decisions, ones that I am not used to making, and they don't only concern me so I feel they must remain private, that makes it very difficult for me as I am used to talking and getting opinions to make rational decisions, I did not realize how much I depended on my comments until now, I feel there is absolutely no threat of drugs and alcohol in my life anymore, it is the everyday normal life decisions that im not used to making that I need to learn more about, I absolutely love my life and how well it is going and want to make the right choices to keep going in the same direction, I refuse to go backwards, back to that unhappiness that kept me high for so many years, I will continue to find ways to grow and be even better than I am now.

On a different note, I have made friends with a volunteer fireman and will be going to a council meeting with him Tuesday night, I am very interested in becoming a volunteer fireman and I will see if this is going to be possible this week, he said it's a few classes that are online and some training that they will give me, no cost to me, I believe this is one more step in the right direction for me, and I hope that I can do some good, crack head to fireman, who knew, James

Tweet me @jameshudnall

day93

Day93well it seems I have a lot to learn about being in a relationship, ive never been in a healthy relationship before, in the past I lived in a relationship, if that's what its called, that definitely wasn't based on what I now believe to be love, it seemed to be a lot of hate and anger, vicious words that were only meant for hurt, I don't remember any happy times in the last eighteen years of my life, instead I have spent those years learning how to defend myself from attack and cover up the lies that I told, I believe living in this unhappiness had everything to do with me staying so high and drunk for all those years, but I was so afraid of leaving because believe it or not I thought that person I was with actually cared about me, I now see the difference, and I will never let anyone control my decision making again, my decisions will be based on what I think is right, not how it will effect others, there can be no compromise or I will end up right back where I was, feeling lower than others around me, I am proud of who I am today and not willing to sacrifice my self esteem to appease others, it seems I am still very fragile and can be easily broken if I don't pay close attention to everything that is going on in my life at every moment, I do believe it is when you think everything is perfect, that is when you trip, I intend to pay very close attention to every step I take and not take this wonderful life that I have at this moment for granted, it seems that decisions will only get harder and be more important as my life improves and I know I must not slack on what needs to be done in order for my life to improve, I ill not get side tracked or forget what got me this far, making the hard decisions and sticking to them, I love all my new friends and this life I now live, James

day92

Day92 it seems ive finally missed my first day, but life couldn't be better, I was very busy yesterday, ive hired two more guys and my girlfriend is here, so there's a lot of adjusting to do, but not to fear, I now have control of my life and I love putting things in order, my life is as it should be, and new responsibilities are a blessing to me, my life seems to get fuller every day and for once in my life I am able to deal with any situation that comes at me, it is amazing how much I actually look forward to living out each and every day now, I spend my time thinking about how I can do better, be better, and it now seems like people look up to me instead of at me, it is a very good feeling and it makes me want to try even harder to be a better person for every one around me, it seems like there's been a lot of changes in my daily routine this week so my mind has been very focused on my guys busy, and ive been very tired at the end of the day, but a lot is getting done and all the work out of my guys seems to be very good, well I believe that's all the catching up im going to do tonight as we are meeting friends for dinner and im about out of time, I feaken love this life I have created for myself, James

day 90

Day 90 well today is three months clean, it seems I am a different person with a new life, I am living proof that you can rewrite who you want to be, but it doesn't work unless you live it, I feel I have risen above and beyond my own expectations, ninety days ago I had no self worth, barely a place to live, and was unable to have any type of healthy relationship with anyone. I lived to escape life every day, it was all I knew, and all I wanted to do. My goal in life was to make money and get high, that's as far as I could see, I was truly caught up on a never ending path that only got darker and lonelier as the days went by.. I was definitely being deceived by drugs and alcohol and could not see past my own misery and fears, I am happy to say I have squashed my misery and now see fear as something to conquer, I look forward to the challenge of life every day, yes there is still fear in my life but I no longer run from it, it seems now I am able to see right through it, fear is not the block wall I used to think it was, and it seems pretty weak if you find the right spot to hit it in, I now look forward to finding and removing different fears that I have from my life every day. I now realize all those years of chasing happiness through drugs and alcohol only took me the opposite way, instead of easing my pain it only brought more on, adding more guilt and humiliation to my already broken spirit, it is a very vicious circle that seems to be impossible to break when you are blinded by it. Hope has to come from somewhere outside the circle because there is none on the inside or it wouldn't exist.

I would like to talk about what I have gained in my first ninety days, self worth, pride, values, morality, a good job, a nice place to live, the strongest friendships I have ever known, respect from others, and a love I thought only existed in fairy tales and movies, I have really gotten to know someone and I have never felt so close to anyone before, I don't even know how long we have been talking but I feel as though she has been a part of my life forever, even though we have never met face to face, well that ends today, we have been very open and honest with each other and I love who this person is, and I believe with all of my heart she feels the same, I am so looking forward to this new adventure of love, I will leave no stone unturned and learn all that I can about these new found feelings that I now have in my life, I will pay even more attention to my values and morals as to not break these bonds of trust we have between us, I will do every thing in my power to keep this relationship as strong and as healthy as anyone could ask for, I love the changes I have made in my life, I love who I have become, and I absolutely love everything about living, thank all of you for showing up and keeping me pointed in the right direction, without all of you none of these things I now have would be reality, James

day89

Day 89 today has been a very productive day, I absolutely love my job, but I am very wore out, I think sometimes its more tiring thinking and planning than it is to actually do the work, I love being efficient, it feels good to do a good job, and I feel good knowing I go the extra mile to get things done right. Anyway I have a surprise visit today, my sister was headed to Arkansas and decided to stop by, we haven't seen each other in three years, or talked, its nice to catch up, but tomorrow is a very big day for me, its been all I can think about for weeks, and its my ninetieth day, I will talk more tomorrow about what is on my mind. It seems I just want today to be over with, I cant really think about anything but tomorrow, well I need to visit with my sister so until tomorrow, James

day88

Day 88 it seems that once again I need to fight through my fears of being ridiculed about what's on my mind, I have to keep telling myself that yes, I can make a difference, my ideas may seem different but I believe they could be the start of something big, new ideas to start finding solutions for this epidemic that is drug abuse, the more I think about it the more it seems that the community needs to get more involved, addicts will not fix themselves, they will only recruit more addicts. And I also believe that the court system is set up for failure, threatening addicts with jail time if they don't stay clean or work whatever program the court orders does not offer the hope of a better life that addicts need to want to stay clean, or the structure to keep them clean, without the sight of a better future there just isn't any reason to stay clean. I believe it is up to the people that actually care about this town and the people in it, we need to have a community meeting to discuss what options addicts have, and maybe create some new options that don't exist yet, I love this little town that I have moved to and would like to be a part in making it better, and I believe the solutions to the overwhelming drug use in the community is coming together and finding more ways to offer hope rather than sit back and expect the police to solve the problems by throwing all the druggies in jail, that's not the solution, that is only a band aid that will not stop the infection from growing. Playing hardball is not the solution, being part of their lives and showing them that you care and they are not hopeless is the beginning of the solution, I believe this with all of my heart to be true. I believe society has depended on the courts and rehab systems for far to long and it is now time to get more involved, over the next couple of months I am going to try to get the word out and organize a community meeting so people can pull their ideas and thoughts together, I know that there's more we can do if we stop depending on others and start doing ourselves, I pray that I will not be alone in trying to make a difference, and I do fear failure, but if I do not try I have already failed, James

day87

Day87 everything seems to be going right on track, I have handled all my responsibilities for the week and got more done than I intended, I am very happy with everything that is happening in my life, it seems in only three months I have put myself in a position that takes people years to get to when there not on drugs, I feel really good about where I am in life, and who I am, the responsibilities that I have are more of a blessing than a pain and my mind always seems to be on what im doing next, even when im not at work. I have some other major things going on my life that I really need to talk about but the time just isn't right yet, once I get all the details worked out I will be able top discuss them. It seems today is a very relaxing day, I cannot remember any of the last eighty six days feeling like this, there seems to be nothing to worry about or get excited over, it is, I believe my first regular day, it actually feels kind of odd and im not sure how to take it, not one single thing to worry about or feel guilty for, just things to look forward to, well ive been up since four so im about done for the day, I have to thank all that continue to read, it is you that drives me forward, James

day86

Day 86, I have to keep reminding my self where I was eighty five days ago, and how I used to live my life and feel about myself, its absolutely amazing how far I have come in such a short time. My old life is definitely a thing of the past, among with the old Jim. I have worked really hard to change my old ways and ive had nothing but success, ive gone from the guy that needed to borrow money for gas to the person that loans it, it is truly a great feeling. Although I have lived a very long time unhappy and high most the time I am still thankful, very thankful for the misery that I have lived through, I truly believe that I will bring life back to so many that have hidden from it for so long, I believe that I can offer hope to the hopeless, as each day passes and my future becomes more clear I see myself finding some answers and saving some lives, I have no intentions of sitting back and doing nothing while this world deteriorates in front of me, I will find ways to be part of solutions in making this a better world for everyone, that is where my mind is today, eighty five days ago it was on drugs and only cared about escaping what was my life. I know in my heart each and every one of you who read this has someone in your life that is no different than I was, drug addiction seems to be right next door to every house on every block, if its not already in your house its very possible it will be soon, and its not going to go away unless the people that are not on drugs start learning more about how to help the people that are addicted, I truly believe that the bonds of addiction can be broken by offering love and hope consistently to those who have none, give them a reason to want to live again because they have none now. If you love someone who is suffering through addiction step up and talk to them, the time is now and don't take no for an answer and don't let them push you away, all you need to do is talk to them, let them know you care, don't wait for them to come to you, cause they wont. Make a difference, today, James

Tweet me @jameshudnall

DAY85

DAY 85 TODAY IS AN EARLY POST TO TRY AND GET ME BACK ON AN AM SCHEDULEDAY 84 HAS ONLY BEEN POSTED FOR EIGHT HOURS. ITS FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING HERE, IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS I BELIEVE THAT IVE STARTED WRITING IN THE MORNING, I REALLY ENJOY WRITING IN THE MORNING SO MUCH MORE BECAUSE IT SEEMS I CAN THINK MUCH BETTER, IT SEEMS MY MIND IS NOT SO CLOUDED WITH ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED THROUGHOUT THE DAY. IT SEEMS I STILL NEED TO WORK ON GETTING INTO A ROUTINE, THE ONLY THING THAT SEEMS DEFINATE IN MY LIFE IS SEVEN AM WHEN I MEET THE GUYS THAT WORK WITH ME, IM VERY GOOD AT KEEPING MY WORK SCHEDULE BUT IT SEEMS EVERYTHING ELSE JUST GETS DONE WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. I BELIEVE I NEED TO START SLOWLY ADDING OTHER PARTS OF MY LIFE ON A SCHEDULE, START BUILDING AROUND MY WORK SCHEDILE SINCE I SEEM TO HAVE IT WORKING SO WELL FOR ME.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE BONDS THAT I HAVE MADE IN THE PAST EIGHTYFOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE A GOOD FRIEND TO PEOPLE AND IVE ALWAYS BEEN A CARING PERSON BUT FOR SOME REASON I HAVE ALWAYS FELT VERY ALONE, I USED TO THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, LIKE I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO LIKE, I TRIED SO HARD TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE ME, BUT I STILL FELT LIKE I JUST WASN'T THAT IMPORTANT TO ANYONE, WELL THAT HAS CHANGED OVER THE LAST EIGHTY DAYS, AND IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY I FELT THAT WAY, MAYBE BECAUSE THE WAY I LIVED MY LIFE WAS VERY CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AND NO ONE WANTED TO GET HURT WHEN I FELL OFF SO THEY WOULDN'T GET CLOSE TO ME, I DON'T KNOW, I STILL FEEL LIKE I JUST WASN'T IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO ANYONE FOR THEM TO PUT THEIR HAND OUT AND HELP ME, MAYBE I AM WRONG, MAYBE PEOPLE WERE PUTTING THEIR HANDS OUT TO HELP BUT I WAS TO HIGH TO SEE IT, IF SO I MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY HIGH BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMDER ANYBODY REALLY STEPPING UP IN MY LIFE AND TRYING TO SET ME STRAIGHT. I AM VERY THANKFUL OF MY DAUGHTER, IT IS HER LOVE FOR ME THAT HAS LEAD ME TO ALL THE LOVE I HAVE COMING MY WAY NOW. I FEEL I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT FRIENDSHIP BUT I KNOW I AM HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, I NOW HAVE SEVERAL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT I KNOW CARE ABOUT ME AND I TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM, AND I ALSO KNOW THAT IF I WERE TO START SLIDING BACKWARDS THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE NOW WOULD NOT SIT BY AND WATCH, THEY WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BACK OUT OF MY HOLE BY MY HAIR IF THEY HAD TO, I AM A VERY LUCKY PERSON TO HAVE CREATED SUCH STRONG FRIENDSHIPS IN SUCH A SHORT TIME, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO MY SUCCESS TO HAVE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS THAT CARE ABOUT ME, I WILL TRY HARDER IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE TO CARE MORE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND TO HELP THOSE IN NEED, WHETHER I KNOW THEM OR NOT, EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT THEM, IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD, SO PLEASE DO YOUR PART AND REACH OUT AND CARE ABOUT SOMEONE TODAY, IT COULD BE THE DIFFERENCE IN THEIR LIVES, I LOVE WHO I AM TODAY, AND IT IS BECAUSE OF THE LOVE I RECEIVE, JAMES

day84

Day 84 today went so much better than yesterday, it seems I once again had to resort back to what got me here in the first place, one problem at a time. It seems prioritizing problems and taking them on one at a time is very manageable, seeing them all at the same time isn't, I have to keep this in the front of my mind as it has certainly made my life easily manageable. I will also work really hard to continue to change my thought process, im used to putting things I don't want to do off, I would like to turn that around, from now on im going to start doing the things I seem to dislike first, get them out of the way as soon as possible so I don't stress on doing it all day, im sure that will make my day that much more enjoyable knowing that the day will get easier instead of harder. I love living and learning, maturing, it is something I haven't done for many years as all I did was survive day after day, barely making it to the next, what a horrible way to live, it saddens me to think how many others are living that life as we speak.

Well I am very tired and cant seem to think straight right nowso until tomorrow, James

Tweet me @james hudnall

day83

Day 83 well I would have to say today has been stressful to say the least, john has left to go back to san diego to take care of some business there, and with out him here the weight of all my responsibilities seemed to drag me down all day, its not that my role in this job has changed any, because it hasn't, im doing the same things I was doing when he was here. Its just that I don't want to let him down, it is important to me that things get done in a timely and costly manner, it seems when I feel the pressure my mind races and I get in a hurry, I start to think im behind and try to play catch up and things don't get done right. I found myself a little confused and short tempered and had to take fifteen minutes to myself to slow my brain down, after I thought about what I was doing I realized I was trying to do to much, I also realized I wasn't falling behind, I don't know why at times I feel im not doing a good enough job, but I do. After taking a minute to think about it I realized that I am doing a very good job, I am proud of the fact that I can be trusted with so much responsibility and that I now have the maturity and values to make the right decisions when they come up. I have gained a lot of wisdom throughout my drug use, I was just to high to know what to do with it, I can honestly say I am in the best place in my life that I have ever been, all aspects of my life are gaining strength every day, when I was on drugs I was nothing but an empty shell, I now feel like a giant, James

day82

Day 81 I cant believe how much I am in love with life, and every thing about it, life used to be so miserable, every thing seemed to be miserable, waking up was the beginning of my unhappiness every day, I would have to make myself get out of bed in the mornings with nothing to look forward to but getting high to escape the awful way I felt, failure seemed to be a way of life for me, and I didn't care who knew, I felt so bad about myself and like there was no way I could ever amount to anything. I was very alone, and I made it that way so people couldn't see the real me, I was humiliated and ashamed of who I was and didn't want those who were close to me to think I was a failure so I pushed them away, not realizing it would only take me farther down, when addicts are on drugs there thought process is way out of wack and the alienation begins by you trying to help them, they tell you to mind your own business enough and you do, you shouldn't, you know there killing themselves and there to high to see the difference, you cant tell them what to do but you can talk to them and let them know you love and care about, let them know how much they are hurting you, spend some time talking to them instead of telling them what there doing wrong ,ask them if they are happy and see what there response is, help them find solutions instead of making them feel judged, actually care about them, they will feel it and respond, I never realized I was hurting anyone, I thought, its my life and im only hurting myself, and people should mind there own business, I felt I had no one in my life that cared either way about me so I didn't care about myself. It seems now the more people care about me the better I want to do, and the more people put there trust in me, the harder I try to earn it, I now walk tall and feel proud and I am surrounded by a calmness from all the love I receive each and every day from friends and family, in the last eighty one days I have created stronger bonds than I have in forty years, I now have people in my life that I know I can depend on and they know they can depend on me, after all isn't that what life is really about, knowing who you are and what you stand for, I know that I am now a man of my word, and I stand for what is right, and my values are now to strong to just sit back and watch when I know I can do something to make a difference, I hope that others will begin to raise there values and not mind there own business, after all, if its someone you love it is your business, James

day81

Day81 days seem to be flying by, there seems to be absolutely no battle in staying clean anymore, its seems im more focused on doing what is right and doing a good job at work, I feel so good about who I have become, I have no worries about how I have lived today, only good thoughts of what I have accomplished. I still believe there is more for me to do, and I believe in a month or so I will have some things figured out, I believe a meeting should be held with recovered addicts speaking to those who have no idea what its like to be an addict, those who have family members or friends that are addicts that they want to see get clean, I don't know exactly how it would work yet but I think it is important that addicts come forward and tell there story to show how serious this problem really is, it effects everyone in the community, and I believe that if we put our knowledge together and come up with some real solutions instead of band aids we could not only save a lot of people in this town, but we could set the example for other towns to follow, my mind does not work small, I believe that if someone takes the first step others will follow, I don't care who it is that takes the step as long as someone does, if I feel it is in the right direction I will follow, but if somebody doesn't take that step soon I will, I feel there is no time to waste, and im not ok with helping just one person, I want to help them all, I want to find solutions that will spread across the nation saving addicts, but I cannot do it alone, I need others to come forward, people that are now living everyday lives but used to be addicts, tell your story and show others that it can be done, there are so many suffering, addicts, and the ones who love them, it seems that I am rambling so I will stop for the night, think about what you can do to help, James

Tweet this @jimhudnall

day80

Day80well I have actually taken half a day off and not because im sick, I spent the day at the lake with new friends on there pontoon boat, it gave me a lot of time to think, I love being on the water, and by next year intend on having my own boat so I can spend at least one day a week on the lake relaxing, enjoying the beautiful things this world has to offer. Its really been a great day.

On to what's on my mind today, and for the last couple of days, it seems I feel as though im not doing enough, or at least there's more I can do, ive had several people stop me and talk to me about my story and a lot of them have similar stories themselves, I have received phone numbers and emails and the Okmulgee paper has to, in fact there posting one of the letters in Sundays paper tomorrow, it seems like I am supposed to be here, solutions need to be found, and I feel like I may be able to find some. I believe that a different type of meeting/therapy/rehab needs to be created, our system needs to be updated to current times, the old ways are not working for most, and if we don't come up with some solutions it will be our grandkids sticking needles in there arms and prostituting themselves out for ten dollars worth of drugs, I am very scared for my children and yours. It seems society has taught us addicts will quit when there ready but every addict is ready, I don't know a happy addict and don't think I ever will, I know ive said all of this before but I think it is very important in saving someone from drugs to make them feel loved, cared about I believe the majority of addicts get high to escape those feelings of loneliness and emptiness, the farther you step back from there lives the more they will use, and maybe die, my story is no different than that person in your life, and it was the love of others that has brought me back to life, I believe we need to have an open meeting for addicts and there families, and not sworn to secrecy, wide open, the problems will not be fixed if they are hidden from the world, they will only get worse, I am not sure how to work this out but I will continue to think about it and maybe, just maybe cure some addicts and bring some more love into this world. James

Please follow me on twitter @jimhudnall

day79

Day 79 I wish I could say im completely smoke free, I haven't bought cigarettes in two days, but I have smoked about 10 cigarettes in the last two days, I know im winning this battle but it is a battle, I believe im doing the very best that I can and im proud of myself for not giving in, my health is coming back quickly, I can breathe once again, and the cough I have is much different than sickness, I know my body is cleaning itself out, and this is the most important part, just because I didn't meet my deadline doesn't mean its over, I will not just give up, I will continue to fight this battle every moment of every day until I win this war. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day I can say im smoke free.

I seem to be getting very comfortable in my job but im finding I need more secretary skills for all this paperwork, I am totally unorganized, but im getting there, ive been working on a house the last week and im very proud of the guys ive got working with me, ive got pictures but it will be two weeks before I get them up, ive been taking pictures of all the stages we have done so far, for once in my life I actually enjoy my job, this is very new to me, it seems ive always done things because I needed the money, not because I enjoyed it, I really enjoy the trust john puts into me, and it makes me want to live up to higher standards, and to give more than what is expected. Im finding myself very happy here, it seems I am very happy about everything that is going on in my life. Another day without drugs and all I seem to do is succeed, it's a James

day78

Day78 it seems like my life is right where its supposed to be, I am thinking clear and living by much higher standards than I ever knew of before, I am at the start of a very loving and caring relationship, and I am learning new comforts and joys I never new existed. It seems impossible for life to get any better than this but each day I wake up it seems to. I am absolutely over whelmed at how wonderful life can actually be, and for some reason I just know tomorrow morning the sun will shine even brighter for me. It seems though I still want more, its not that im not satisfied, because I am, but I feel like I have more to offer, I just don't know what it is yet, some how I feel ive got to share this happiness that is my life with those who need it, I want to fill the worlds heart with the love that I feel right now, and let me tell you it feels good. So how can I spread this warmth to all that is cold, I just don't know and it troubles me, and there doesn't seem to be much that troubles me lately. I feel as though I could touch the stars without even trying, but can do nothing about the sorrow around me, it is strange, like I have a sixth since, I see the smiles on the faces of people around me but do not feel there happiness, only the pain that they hide behind their smiles, at times I feel guilty because I am at such peace, I wonder at times if others feel like I do, if they to watch total strangers and let there minds sink into the lives of others, feel there pain and hurt with them silently, or am I just different than most. I will continue to look for more ways to bring true smiles to anyone I come in contact with, whether it be through my writings or at the local convenience store, I know there's more I can do, James

day77

Day 77 what's been on my mind today, I will tell you, personal strength, its hard to explain, I cant figure out why I cant just stop smoking, I know its killing me and costing me to much money, plus it stinks. you would think someone who has overcome all the things I have would be able to just put this behind me and walk away, but I must remind myself where my strength came from, and I must remind all of you too, when I quit drugs and drinking it wasn't my strength, it was the strength of all of you who believed in me, it was the way that all of you cared about me, it was you who inspired me, and I didn't want to let any of you down, that is how I made it through the first few weeks, and as my mind cleared and the love of all of you caring about my life kept pouring in it made me want to step it up a notch. So here I am now, because of the love of others, many whom ive never met, I am a new man, a positive role model to society, and ive never known happiness like this could exist, the desire for drugs and alcohol have not only left my mind, I cannot imagine how I was ever stupid enough to live the way I did, so now to the smoking, I have a new person in my life who is giving me the personal strength I need to quit, once again I find myself very weak if I tackle this alone, over the past couple of weeks this woman has shared enough love with me to allow me to quit five times over, and she has told me I must quit for myself, well that hasn't worked for me in the past and I don't think it will work for me now, it seems to make me feel good to do for others and I know she worries about me so as my act of love, I will not put it off any more, I will return the love she has given me by being strong for her, by easing her mind and taking better care of myself, I have one cigarette left and it will be my last, I am bound and determined to get that kiss,, it seems my personal strength is not mine at all, it comes from all those who care about me and without them I would surely crumble, James

dat76

Day 76 I must say I have never been at this place in my life, I never new it even existed, my sunglasses are off and my head is held high, I have never felt so good about looking people in the eye. Life has definitely slowed down for me and I can smell the roses, they seem to be flourishing all around me. I am living my life right and it doesn't seem to be able to trip me up anymore, no problems, only solutions.

I would like to talk a little more about what I was saying yesterday, I have lived my life felling like I was beneath a lot of people, and im learning I felt this way for all the wrong reasons, I always thought the more money you made the easier life would be, and that having more than one relationship at a time was cool, growing up it seemed like that's what everyone was doing, the guy with the most girls was the coolest, ive never really had anyone talk to me about relationships and friendships until lately, as my mind clears from all the years of abuse and I try to find who I am and what I stand for I see a lot of the same things going on that I saw when I was a child, people chasing after the ideas of what they think will make them happy, instead of doing a little soul searching for the truth, there isn't any nobility in false happiness, and I believe nobility is getting scarce in our society all together, ive always thought none of my relationships worked out because I was on drugs, but as I see the world now and all the failing relationships and hurtful attacks between partners, a lot of them, not on drugs. I have to wonder how it will be in another ten years, I no longer feel below all those people, as a matter of fact I wish they would take some time to think about what happiness really means, and how to find it. I will tell you how I am finding it, by not making selfish decisions, almost every decision I make involves someone else's life, I make my decisions according to my moral values and by how it effects others, keeping promises and being a man of my word, that brings a lot of happiness to my life, living noble, how could you not be happy with yourself when you live every day to better yourself and live to help others do the same. If you feel you put on a false smile at times for others, please take the time to think about it and rid yourself of the problems that lead to it, you will find that a real smile feels so much better, James

dat75

Day75 today will be short as the okmolgee article is very long, im having a lot of trouble trying to figure out this computer stuff, its very frustrating not knowing how to do something and not being able to figure it out, everything I try to do is usually pretty easy to figure out but it seems the more I mess with this computer the more I mess it up.

There is something that I would like to talk about just a little today and I will talk more about it tomorrow, it seems the more time I have clean the more I notice what seems to be going on around me, I feel so much different about life, my life, and as all those material items I used to want because I thought somehow my life was going to be better when I got them fade from my mind thoughts of friendship and self morality replace those material items a happiness I have never known fills my heart, and as I look around and see people who I once believed were so successful in life because of there belongings and I have to wonder, are they happy, I feel like im starting to see through a lot of fake smiles, false fronts that people put up, regular people, in order to hide their unhappiness from the world, it saddens me greatly to see so much dispair hidden behind so many smiles, we have got to find more solutions, James

okmulgee paper

Local carpenter rebuilds

his life one day at a time

Jim Hudnall's blog provides updates and inspiration

By HERMAN BROWN

Daily Times editor

Jim Hudnall wakes up each morning facing a major challenge. The 42-year-old carpenter is rebuilding the Black Apartments. The massive construction job will stretch weeks into the future. Even so, the rebuilding job is nothing compared to Hudnall's other challenge.

"I'm trying to rebuild my life," he said. "I want to live."

Hudnall has chosen to say yes to life. In doing so, he must forever say no to crack cocaine and alcohol. For him, it's a constant battle against those deadly demons.

On Thursday, Hudnall shared his story with the Okmulgee Daily Times. He sat in an apartment at 10^th and Seminole and reflected on the events that led him his rebuilding job in Okmulgee.

As recently as June, Hudnall was a crack-smoking handyman in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The father of five was little help to his family and friends. His paydays were wasted on drugs and booze. The real victims of his drug-fueled lifestyle were his four sons, his daughter and his supportive ex-wife.

Hudnall knew he had to change. He realized drugs were ruining his life – and would likely kill him. Even worse, his irresponsibility was a growing danger to his loved ones. That point was driven home on the final day of June.

"I was smoking crack (cocaine) and drunk," he said. "One of my children got into a situation and I was unable to handle it because of my state of mind. I called my (24-year-old) daughter that night while I was high and drunk. I told her I was ready to quit."

Hudnall was determined to stop his downward spiral. But he knew it wouldn't be easy. He had tried to stop before. On those earlier occasions, he always fell back into that lethal lifestyle with a week or two.

This time, he promised, it would be different. Perhaps it was because of what he saw in the mirror. He had far more questions than answers.

"All of the sudden I am 40 and have not a clue as to who I am, or what I believe in, or where the rest of my life is going from here. How could I let me get here? How have I wasted all these years?"

Hudnall didn't have the answers. But he knew his climb from this horrific life must be played out in front of the world. He was determined to help himself. He was also determined to see others benefit from his looming journey.

"I wanted to somehow be able to write about it and help other people to quit as I was quitting."

Not familiar with computers, Hudnall had no idea of how to get his message out to others. Luckily, his wonderful daughter solved the problem. She went on her computer and set up a blog for her father. She provided him a spot on the Internet to keep a daily journal of his daily struggle. The world was now watching!

"That was all her," he said. "She set it up for me and made it real easy. All I had to do was write my daily blog. She got it on there for me."

On July 1, 2010, Hudnall sat down in front of his daughter's computer and launched his personal blog. It was appropriately called "The Book of James – A Guide to Getting Your Life Back."

Day 1's blog opened with the following sentence: "Today was a great day; I'm not getting high!"

The newest member of the 'blog society' then introduced himself to the fellow citizens of the World Wide Web. He opened up his heart and bared his soul to everyone who visited his site. He started out by recounting his early descent into darkness.

Jim remembers drinking and smoking cigarettes and marijuana at the age of 11 or 12. He was then farmed off to several foster homes over the next few years. His downward plunge halted, for a while, when he lived with a man named Scott.

"Scott taught me how to work and how important it is to earn what you have," he recalls. "He instilled important values that are still with me today."

Sadly, the work ethic was the only positive lesson that remained with him. The othr good advice was lost in the foggy world of drugs.

"I have been lost in every other part of my life," he admits.

The California native was introduced to Meth when he was 18 years old. He was using needles to shoot up a decade later. The destructive lifestyle stalled briefly when he was sent to jail for a year.

Hudnall then moved back to Chattanooga, Tennessee. His plan was to get away from the strong cravings for Meth.

"I was successful because there wasn't any good Meth in Tennessee at the time," he said. "So I started smoking crack."

Despite having a family and a job, Hudnall spent years abusing drugs and alcohol. He wanted to quite, but never could make the successful step.

"You just continue avoiding the issue and (keep) getting high," he said. "It was all I can do, all I can focus on, all I know, and my routine. It rules my life!"

Even as he wasted his money on crack cocaine, he knew how horrible it is to his life.

"On crack, the good side is NOTHING! The bad side is it controls you. It leaves you broke. It makes you neglect your family and friends and the list of bad reasons goes on and on. Am I really that stupid? Really? That's pretty embarrassing!"

The new Jim Hudnall decided to write about his struggle in the blog. He promised to write an entry in the blog every single day. Each of his entries outline his ups and downs, but show the world he was staying off drugs and booze. The real trick is to write in his blog each and every day – no exceptions.

"If you don't hear from me tomorrow, I am a true idiot," he said on Day 1. But they did hear from him … each and every day since July 1.

On Sept. 9, Hudnall sat in front of his newest powerbook computer and hammered out his most recent experiences and thoughts. It's Day 70 of what he hopes is a blogging journey to forever. The subject of his posts drifted away from the battle with drugs and alcohol. His current blog tells of he he plans to stop smoking cigarettes. He's reducing the cigarettes to only one an hour. The goal is to snuff out his final cigarette very soon. If he's able to tame this nicotine monster, he's expecting "a kiss from a beautiful woman." That's nice motivation for the soon-to-be ex-smoker.

In a related note, Hudnall's blog led directly to him re-locating to Okmulgee. A longtime friend in California began reading his posts. He was aware that the blogger was staying clean and trying to change his life. The friend's father had purchased 20 rent houses and the Black Apartments in Okmulgee. They needed help with construction and repair projects at the local properties.

"He talked his father into sending me out here, before he got here, to start helping. That's my friend John Jr. That's how I ended up out here."

Hudnall really enjoys living in the community. If all goes well, he hopes his family will join him here in the not-too-distant future.

"I like it here," he said. "I'm seriously thinking this is going to be the home for the rest of my life. I want to be a part of this community and a positive role here."

Today, Hudnall is very proud of how he handled his first month in Okmulgee. Nobody knew him or knew of his battle to avoid drugs and booze. Had he been weak, he could have gotten drunk without anyone noticing him.

"I kind of went through a stage to where 'do I want people to know about me here?' But as I was here two or three weeks, I said 'yes, I do!' Because I started having thoughts … and I do what people to recognize me; to say 'that's the guy that's not drinking or doing drugs.' So it was very important for me to talk to you and try to get my story out."

The message is being spread far and wife. In fact, his blog reaches countless locations around the world. There have been 6,400 people in the United States visit his blog site. There are another 52 from Canada, 19 from Nigeria, 14 from Iraq, 11 from Luxenburg, 8 from Germany, 5 from Mexico, 2 from Australia, 2 from France and 2 from Iceland. These are the people reading his posts each day and providing constant feedback and encouragement.

"This is my passion right now," he said of the blog. "This is what saved me. Let me tell you how serious I am: The blog comes before my work! I want to spread that to as many people as possible. And I don't want to slip back to where I was. Every day that I sit here and take the time to write about what I went through that day, it keeps it fresh in my head that I don't want to go back to my old life.

"I want to continue to show how far a person can go, from being on drugs to being the mayor of Okmulgee! I told 'em I'm staying here. I may be the mayor one day. I'm serious. I mean, how far can a person go? My goal is to show people that the sky is the limit."

Jim Hudnall's work on the Black Hotel will continue for weeks, maybe months. But the repairs to his life will continue for years.

"I never want to go back to what my life was before," he said. "But I know it's up to me to make the right decisions each and every day, from now on."

His growing circle of friends will follow his journey with the daily entries to his blog. He hopes that everyone in Okmulgee will start to read his posts. Those, he hopes, will provide inspiration for others to overcome whatever roadblocks are in their lives.

---

WHAT TO FOLLOW JIM'S BLOG?

Jim Hudnall's daily blog can be found at www.The BookofJames-GuidetoGettingYour LifeBack. He adds a posts every day, seven days a week.

day74

Day74 today is a good day for me, as I left my home at five am to go get the paper I was nervous about the reaction I would get, this is a small town and they put pictures in the paper, so people will see me and make judgment either from my past or my present, but if I am to help others I cannot live in fear of my past and I know with all of my heart if they judge me by my present they have no choice but to show me respect. I believe there will be no learning and no solutions found if the problems are continuously swept under the carpet. So I choose to live with the problems I once had and the solutions I have come up with that have worked for me right out in the open for everybody to learn from, and yes at times I feel humiliated and ashamed of the past life I led, but hiding it from the world only keeps me from climbing out of that hole ive lived in for so long. I am not okay with just getting clean and living a normal life, I will reach down and find something good in all those years of misery that I have lived. I will show people that there is a way out of that hole and a much better life up here where the sun is shining, its not an easy walk and it seems like nothings getting better in the beginning but if you think about it nothing was really any good while you were getting high and if you are like me you've been doing that for years on end. One day at a time didn't work for me, I told myself ive been on drugs for twenty eight years, its never panned out, not one part of it, so after trying that for twenty eight years with no results, what's one year clean? So that's what I told myself, if I don't have a life in a year then ill get high. Well its been seventy three days and I have found more happiness in my life than I have in my previous forty one years, yes that is right, in just seventy three days, I am now able to hold my head high, look people in theirs eyes when I talk to them because for once in my life I am proud of who I am, no little white lies or hidden secrets about anything. I do not have to worry about which people know about my past and which don't, or what's on my mind now, today I not only live my life for setting an example to others, I also live through this blog, letting people know my intentions and goals in life, and that allows me to feel good about who I am, until tomorrow, James

day73

Day73 its six thirty in the morning here and I feel like I am on track, im going to work on this priority thing and get it right, the goal to quit smoking by the seventeenth is something I feel I can accomplish, I bought the patch the day before yesterday, I put one on yesterday morning and I could not believe the difference, I still smoked yesterday, but only a fourth of what I usually smoke, it seems the less I smoke the more im coughing, it's a terrible cough that leaves me breathless, I cannot wait to be smoke free, and ill get that kiss to boot.

Tonight's post is pretty important to me, the story behind my blog comes out in the Okmulgee paper tomorrow, its very important to me that if a new audience appears they have a full understanding of what this blog is about. So it is my goal today to take some extra time and really think about the journey of my last seventy two days, where I started and where I am now. I will begin with where and who I am now, I am a regular person that has a checking and savings account, a full time job that carries the responsibility of supervising two employees and myself, keeping things moving in the right direction as well as keeping track of hours and different jobs. My job description comes with an extremely large amount of trust from the man who employs me. Now I will try to explain where I stand morally, I believe everyone knows right from wrong, I believe it is something we are born with, but as we live in society our values seem to lower to what ever is excepted. There is no way I am able to feel good about who I am living by these lower expectations, I have never read the bible and don't go to church on a regular basis, I just know right from wrong. Today I base all of my decisions and actions on setting an example for everyone around me to see, I try to make every decision in my life by what is fair and just, and it seems the better I get at living my life this way, the stronger I feel about the changes that will occur in peoples lives all around me. I will continue to try and raise my morals and values in hopes that others around me will do the same.

Well that's where I am after seventy two days of writing this blog, now I will walk you through an average day of my past. I drank and smoked crack until twelve or one in the morning every night, I would get up for work at about seven, feeling awful and being broke, usually having to worry about having enough gas to even make it, I would go to work wishing the day was done but knowing if I wanted to get high that night I had to go, I would watch the clock all day long, just wanting to be off of work so I could go get high, that's all I could think about. I would usually make between eighty to a hundred dollars a day and that would be gone by ten o clock that night, when the money would run out and I would come to terms that smoking crack was over for the night, I would then proceed to drink myself to sleep, just to wake up and do it all over again, this was how I lived for years on end.

So as you can see this blog is not just about quitting drugs, its about redefining who you are, I have touched many areas in my life since this hole thing began, and I can honestly say that as each day goes by my life reaches new heights that I have never known before. This blog is not just for me, it is for everyone like me, who needs to make changes and regain there lives, until tomorrow, James