page 124

Page 124 i believe that dreams can come true, but they don't just come true, you have to chase them down, I vaguely remember as a small child nothing seemed to stand in the way of our dreams, and they were so large but so doable, nothing or no one standing in the way or discouraging us from making them come true. being nyeve and innocent to the worlds ways can be a beautiful thing, that was such a long time ago, I cant even remember what dreams I used to chase, but I do remember the feeling of chasing them with out the fear of failing or thoughts of hopelessness. It seems as we grow older and put a few failures under our belts, mixed in with the responsibilities that start piling up on our shoulders, we start to conform to what we believe this world expects from us, and as we fall into the daily grind our dreams seem to get smaller and farther away, they seem untouchable, they fall from the priority list spot by spot until there are no more spots left. Out of sight, out of mind, our dreams are bumped from our lives. Their have been so many positive changes in this world we live in, big and small, that have changed peoples lives, I truly believe that the pursuit of dreams is what keeps this world alive, forget what you have seen and learned, think like a child and dream big, then find the time to make it happen. Think of the difference you could make.

james

　

page 123

Page 123 Saturday, march 26^th today I would like to try and sort some things out that have been part of me since I was a child, what to believe in, when I was a child religion seemed to be a lot more popular than now days, I vaguely remember my grandpa making me go to bible study, I don't remember learning anything or even what the church looks like, I don't remember anything about it at all, just that I had to go. Some how through all of this the image and idea of god and Jesus were burned into my brain, and as I got a little older and began my journey through foster care I lived with Catholics, Jehovah witnesses, Christians, and people that didn't believe in any religion at all, everyone of them trying to push there beliefs on me, it was all very confusing. To this day I am not a fan of religion at all but I do believe in god, I do believe there is a higher power watching over us, rewarding us when deserved and knocking us down when he thinks there's more for us to learn, I find myself thanking him constantly, I have done this throughout my hole life, as for Jesus, I do believe in Jesus and that he was gods son, but so am I, we are all gods children, and in my mind I see Jesus as a normal person just as you and I, but he chose to live by his morals and values and trust in the love in which his heart had for humanity, and he was unwavering, he would not compromise what he believed to be just and true, unlike the majority, he set an example for others to follow, so they to could feel pure in there hearts, and he was murdered for trying to do what is right, he had a belief in his heart and followed it, and died for it, just like martin Luther king and many others who have died for their beliefs in what is right. I have not read the bible or have any knowledge of all the religions that are out there but I do believe there are a lot of selfish, greedy and just plain morally wrong people that hide behind these organized religions trying to draw you in and convince you that there way is right, but who's to really say which one is right, I am not in fear by any means of not going to heaven because I know in my heart, even though ive fallen flat on my face countless times, my heart is pure, and as I get back up, I grab as many people by there coat tails and bring them with me, I believe all I can do is try to be caring and compassionate to everyone around me, and do my best to stay away from selfishness and greed, and try to set an example by actions, not words, I believe I will start my own religion, the religion of good, it has one main rule, live good. No donations required.

james

page 122

Page 122, today's date is march twentieth, Sunday. Wow what a beautiful day, I feel so good about my path in life, every day I watch and learn from everything and everyone I see, good and bad, I try to learn from it all, how to live and how not to live. I believe there is something to be learned from each and every person that crosses my path, and that goes vice versa, I would like to think I have something to offer to each and everyone who crosses my path. Life seems to be so delicate, it can change dramatically from one moment to the next. There is so much you can gain, but at the same time, the more you gain , the more you have to lose, I have chased some type of a sense of security all my life and as my life changes it is time to redefine what that means, I guess its different for everyone, for me its always been about having things, impressing others, trying to show everyone I was as good as them or I was able to achieve as much as them, for some reason I've always thought I had something to prove, maybe its because growing up I wasn't worth enough for my family to care about me, I was easily cast aside while they went on with there lives, left to figure out this life for myself, I am forty two years old, and I can honestly say that in my forty two years, this past year is the first time I have ever felt cared for or knew what caring about someone meant, I now have four very healthy relationships in my life, my granddaughter daah, my daughter Hilary, my son Michael, and his girlfriend ambrea, who for some reason the minute I met her I knew she would be part of my family and life forever. As for Dylan Harley and Russell, I have not really had the opportunity to spend any time with them and our relationships are very strained, I hope and pray that

in time this will change, ive always wanted to care for my children but I don't think I ever really knew how, ive done the best I could but as I start to learn more about this new life I am living I will do what I can to build a strong and healthy relationship with them, Dylan, Harley and Russ, if your reading, please know that I love you. As for daah, Hilary, Michael and ambrea, I am confident that you already know how much I love you and how much all of you mean to me.

James…………………….

page 121

Page 121, it seems life is getting harder for me, but I believe that is because im trying harder to do what is right. I find it amazing that the more you try to make the right decisions and head in the right direction the more people come out of the woodworks and try to intimidate and misdirect you, I am having a hard time finding how to handle these situations, in my mind I am so angry with some of these people I catch myself plotting killing sprees, but in my heart I know this is so so wrong, I know they are just trying to draw the anger out of me to watch me fail for their own misguided pleasures, I see no hope or future in this so I will find a way to contain my anger and not be persuaded to make any foolish mistakes brought on by the childish acts of others. I guess this is just one of many more tests to come in my life. I have experienced so many different ways of life and have seen just how ugly people can be, almost evil I would say, I would love to find a place where I can walk through life without this hate interfering with me but I am finding it most likely is impossible, so instead I will look at it as just another nuisance for me to overcome. I must find a way to not let other peoples hate, jealousies and insecurities spill into me, I believe this will help me gain wisdom and maturity to help me walk right through these road blocks that seem to keep popping up in front of me, I am at a very good place in my life, not wanting or needing the approval of others, I know that I am on a path to a new me, I can feel it in everything I do, and nothing or know one can take it away, I am truly beginning to know who I am and what I want in life, I have love for everyone and everything, even those who want to knock me down, and for those who try to knock me down, my heart is filled with sorrow for you.

James………………………………................................

page 120

Page 120, I cant tell you how much I enjoy seeing the smiles on peoples faces and watching them enjoy themselves, life should be more like this, it seems so many people are so uptight about their everyday surroundings they bring themselves down, it is sad to watch. There is a smile on my face, I will not be misled by the problems that pop up before me every five minutes, I will solve them with a smile. I do not understand the point of being unhappy or stressed out over the problems life throws at you, deal with them and move to the next problem, that seems to be what life is about, to me anyway. I am very lost, unsure, and misguided by what I see everyday, but I will not give in or except what I think to be wrong, I will find my course in life, it may take months or years or decades, but I will not give up hope until my heart is filled with what is right, not only for me but for everyone around me, tonight is a good night for me, and I wish it was the same for others, I have a dream to see peoples eyes wide open to what really matters in their lives, to see a smile so pure that it could only come from what is right. Awwww, how wonderful could life really be, find it. james

Page 120, I cant tell you how much I enjoy seeing the smiles on peoples faces and watching them enjoy themselves, life should be more like this, it seems so many people are so uptight about their everyday surroundings they bring themselves down, it is sad to watch. There is a smile on my face, I will not be misled by the problems that pop up before me every five minutes, I will solve them with a smile. I do not understand the point of being unhappy or stressed out over the problems life throws at you, deal with them and move to the next problem, that seems to be what life is about, to me anyway. I am very lost, unsure, and misguided by what I see everyday, but I will not give in or except what I think to be wrong, I will find my course in life, it may take months or years or decades, but I will not give up hope until my heart is filled with what is right, not only for me but for everyone around me, tonight is a good night for me, and I wish it was the same for others, I have a dream to see peoples eyes wide open to what really matters in their lives, to see a smile so pure that it could only come from what is right. Awwww, how wonderful could life really be, find it. james

page 119

Page 119, I am definitely starting to find some type of contentment in my life, in all this chaos of trying to find some type of success to prove myself to the world, I am starting to realize its not the world I need to make happy, it seems over the last two months life has been a struggle, but more joyful than I can remember , I am starting to see the smiles on peoples faces once again, but at the same time learning how to be cautious of deceit, it seems to be everywhere, a way of life for a lot of people, maybe they don't know or understand how it effects the world around them, or maybe they just don't care, the American way, take what you can get and fuck the little guy, that is what I see around me every day, it is quite disgusting, and in my mind I want to grow cold and be the same to survive as others do but in my heart I know this is wrong, so I will not, I will continue to focus on what is right and see past how others choose to live, they will not be my example, and I will not get frustrated with life and fall short of what is right, I know that I will slip and skin a knee from time to time, but I will continue to set higher morals and values for myself and not be fooled by this sad way of life we call the American way. I have spent the last two months with my oldest son and his girlfriend, and the meaning of family is starting to mean something to me, I am still very confused about most everything but I am definitely learning about whats not so important to me anymore, and what is, and only in the past year have I felt the love of what family is supposed to be to one another, I have seeked it out my hole life and it has never been there, as a child I was not taught or protected from the cruelties of this world, as a young child I had to go on the defence, going from home to home knowing I was nothing but a check to most of the people that took care of me, not wanted by my family, my own parents, aunts and uncles watched as I was shuffled through the courts, foster care and juvenile hall, starting at eleven or twelve, I have learned to be cosious but at the same time chased love, doing anything to gain exceptance of others, I am finally learning the importance of family values through my children, and it is a godsend, my daughter hilary and my son micheal have taught me a lot and that is allowing me to let my guard down and except love and give it in a trusting manner, it is a wonderful feeling, but very new, I hold a lot of anger towards my family and siblings, they have never cared for me or been a part of my life, always waiting for me to be okay before they would have anything to do with me, never there when I needed them, this is not the type of family that I want to be a part of, or learn from, my children are teaching me that I am not an inconvenience, and they are teaching me love by example, what more could a father ask for in life, james

Ps love u k

Page 119, I am definitely starting to find some type of contentment in my life, in all this chaos of trying to find some type of success to prove myself to the world, I am starting to realize its not the world I need to make happy, it seems over the last two months life has been a struggle, but more joyful than I can remember , I am starting to see the smiles on peoples faces once again, but at the same time learning how to be cautious of deceit, it seems to be everywhere, a way of life for a lot of people, maybe they don't know or understand how it effects the world around them, or maybe they just don't care, the American way, take what you can get and fuck the little guy, that is what I see around me every day, it is quite disgusting, and in my mind I want to grow cold and be the same to survive as others do but in my heart I know this is wrong, so I will not, I will continue to focus on what is right and see past how others choose to live, they will not be my example, and I will not get frustrated with life and fall short of what is right, I know that I will slip and skin a knee from time to time, but I will continue to set higher morals and values for myself and not be fooled by this sad way of life we call the American way. I have spent the last two months with my oldest son and his girlfriend, and the meaning of family is starting to mean something to me, I am still very confused about most everything but I am definitely learning about whats not so important to me anymore, and what is, and only in the past year have I felt the love of what family is supposed to be to one another, I have seeked it out my hole life and it has never been there, as a child I was not taught or protected from the cruelties of this world, as a young child I had to go on the defence, going from home to home knowing I was nothing but a check to most of the people that took care of me, not wanted by my family, my own parents, aunts and uncles watched as I was shuffled through the courts, foster care and juvenile hall, starting at eleven or twelve, I have learned to be cosious but at the same time chased love, doing anything to gain exceptance of others, I am finally learning the importance of family values through my children, and it is a godsend, my daughter hilary and my son micheal have taught me a lot and that is allowing me to let my guard down and except love and give it in a trusting manner, it is a wonderful feeling, but very new, I hold a lot of anger towards my family and siblings, they have never cared for me or been a part of my life, always waiting for me to be okay before they would have anything to do with me, never there when I needed them, this is not the type of family that I want to be a part of, or learn from, my children are teaching me that I am not an inconvenience, and they are teaching me love by example, what more could a father ask for in life, james

Ps love u k

Page 119, I am definitely starting to find some type of contentment in my life, in all this chaos of trying to find some type of success to prove myself to the world, I am starting to realize its not the world I need to make happy, it seems over the last two months life has been a struggle, but more joyful than I can remember , I am starting to see the smiles on peoples faces once again, but at the same time learning how to be cautious of deceit, it seems to be everywhere, a way of life for a lot of people, maybe they don't know or understand how it effects the world around them, or maybe they just don't care, the American way, take what you can get and fuck the little guy, that is what I see around me every day, it is quite disgusting, and in my mind I want to grow cold and be the same to survive as others do but in my heart I know this is wrong, so I will not, I will continue to focus on what is right and see past how others choose to live, they will not be my example, and I will not get frustrated with life and fall short of what is right, I know that I will slip and skin a knee from time to time, but I will continue to set higher morals and values for myself and not be fooled by this sad way of life we call the American way. I have spent the last two months with my oldest son and his girlfriend, and the meaning of family is starting to mean something to me, I am still very confused about most everything but I am definitely learning about whats not so important to me anymore, and what is, and only in the past year have I felt the love of what family is supposed to be to one another, I have seeked it out my hole life and it has never been there, as a child I was not taught or protected from the cruelties of this world, as a young child I had to go on the defence, going from home to home knowing I was nothing but a check to most of the people that took care of me, not wanted by my family, my own parents, aunts and uncles watched as I was shuffled through the courts, foster care and juvenile hall, starting at eleven or twelve, I have learned to be cosious but at the same time chased love, doing anything to gain exceptance of others, I am finally learning the importance of family values through my children, and it is a godsend, my daughter hilary and my son micheal have taught me a lot and that is allowing me to let my guard down and except love and give it in a trusting manner, it is a wonderful feeling, but very new, I hold a lot of anger towards my family and siblings, they have never cared for me or been a part of my life, always waiting for me to be okay before they would have anything to do with me, never there when I needed them, this is not the type of family that I want to be a part of, or learn from, my children are teaching me that I am not an inconvenience, and they are teaching me love by example, what more could a father ask for in life, james

Ps love u k