thanksgiving

Today is a wonderful day,  its thanksgiving and I am so happy to be able to spend time with my daughter Hilary and my granddaughter daah,  don't get me wrong, I wish I could be with all o my children, my son Michael and his wonderful  girlfriend ambrea and their child, my newest grandchild, lilliana, and I would love to see my son Dylan, who is in san diego working, or my son Harley, and his daughter, alissa, and I would also like to be spending time with my son Russell,  or even my mother and two sisters in verginia, but I eel in my heart im right where im supposed to be, I feel love in the air and the comort of family, I truly feel this is one o the best thanksgivings I can remember, best wishes to everyone out there, happy thanksgiving and please, don't orget how to love, james

wow

 

It seems the more I want to do good, the harder I fall, as doors open, I slam them shut, im so confused, I know I am capible of unemaginable hieghts, but it seems I punch myself in the face everytime im about to sucseed, I am unable to control my own life and end up in situations where I am dependend on others and end up doing for them instead of me, I feel I am getting weaker the closer I get to sucsess, is it a crazy notion to think that maybe I am being attact by demons, wow that sounds crazy, but im not sure if it is, I believe im a pretty intellegent guy but you wouldnt think it by the mistakes I continue to make, I have some huge dreams that I would like to see become reality, and I do believe that one day I will see them come true, but I need jesus to send as much help as possible because theres no way I can do it on my own, im asking you jesus, I

know who you are and what you stand for, snatch me up by the back of my neck and carry me in the right direction, help me strive for the goals that I aim to meet, after all, they are in your name, james

start living

 

Today is more than just another day for me, it seems like I have gotten really good at just getting by, I am beginning to see this pattern in my life that has to change, Ive pulled myself out of a hole so many times it seems easy so theirs not much fear of going back down, the pattern that I am beginning to see is that once im out and on level ground I get comfortable and the motivation to start climbing even higher seems to fade away, I seem to think im doing just fine and do just enough to get by with all these goals in my mind and I continiously tell myself I will start them tomorrow, we all know tomorrow never comes, so I live on this level ground for a while until I start losing hope and giving up on my dreams only to fall flat on my face and then I have to start this hole routine over again, im tired of just getting by and I know I dont want to fall flat on my face, so today I am making a concious decision to go forward instead of backwards,

unknown

Unknown

I seem to be at a very scary point in my life, any grasp of hope has drained from my heart, I don't know what is wrong with me, I want to be loved and be able to love others but my heart feels empty, the thought of some type of happiness seems to stay just out of reach and for the first time in my life I feel to tired to chase life, all the opportunities are there for me, I just cant seem to stop stepping on my own toes, its like if I fell myself start to smile I smack myself in the face, I cant get ahead without self destructing, I have never felt so alone in this world, and at the same time felt like crawling farther down in the hole, for the first time in my life I am seeing how alone I actually am and im not sure how to deal with it, if I wasn't clinging on to what little hope I can see but is just out of my reach, any reason for living would be completely erased from my mind, this is not a cry for help, just the honest facts of what I am living with and trying to get through, james

the book of james anew, page 8

The book of James anew, page 8

I feel pretty good about the direction I am headed in, I believe when it comes to church and religion you really have to do your homework before you just jump on board some ones band wagon, I believe I've made giant leaps over this past week, trying to choose the exact direction I want my life to go in is going to take years, I have an opportunity to change who I was into what I want to be, we all do, I guess its about having the confidence to believe enough in your decisions to stand behind them and not be misled by others, this may sound off to you but it makes total since to me, he who screams Jesus the loudest should not be trusted, you know the type, Jesus and god and prayer is every other word in every sentence, and you cant get a word in edge wise, I believe if someone truly wants to be more Christ like, they take action without screaming it to the world, if god is in all of us, then everything we do is already in his name, its time we started making a difference for the ones who need it, not for ourselves, make a difference quietly, those who need the help are ashamed enough, so help them quietly, and let other peoples smiles fill your heart with love, James

the book of james anew, page seven

The book of james anew, page seven, well I went to a Nazareth church today, and I will have to say, I found the worship very uncomfortable, the people were very nice and inviting, and the surmon was good, but the singing, I don't know what it is but it makes me very uncomfortable, I looked around and I was happy about what I saw, people looked sincerely happy, enjoying every moment of what was going on, complete bliss on some of there faces, and I am not saying it is wrong, but for me it just doesn't feel right, I felt awkward and out of place, like these people were fooling themselves, not by a false god, but by a false belief, at this point in my knowledge of god, there is no way I would ever want anyone to take what I say to heart, im trying to learn and figure this hole thing out, I want to understand how people can stand and put all there faith in the unknown, its not like I don't believe in god, because I do, im just not sure I believe in what this world believes to be worship, sitting around in a church singing songs really doesn't make much since to me when you could be organizing on how to clean up your neighborhood, or feeding the homeless in your community, funding for trips over seas doesn't make sence to me when we have so much work to do right here in our own back yards, I will continue to go to different churches, but honestly im afraid I will continue to see the same thing, denomination doesn't seem to matter, why are our churches not focused on there communities, they are so close and the cost is much less to service your neighbor than someone two states over, I believe in god and jesus, and I am starting to believe bible study is much more important than worship, as I read the bible I have found no flaws, only maturity, education on love, and I don't just mean man and woman, I mean father and son, friendship, guidance emotional maturity, its rough learning all that stuff by trial and error, in my honest opinion, I have no faith in the church system, im not saying I don't believe in those who go, im saying people should step back and reevaluate the churches they go to and make the apropreate changes to make them

the book of james anew, page six

　

I am just starting to realize how many different denominations of church there is, its very confusing, a person could probably spend his hole life studying all the different types of churches and the beliefs they follow, and who is to say which one will get you to heaven, isn't that the goal, to get to heaven, that's what the majority of churches teach, my heart tells me that is wrong, I don't believe I should live a certain way in this life just to try to get to the next, I believe in god, and I think that he would want me to love, to show love, to care for and about others, to take a chance in this life no matter what the concequences are, chase what your heart tells you, I am a true believer in no good deed goes unpunished, but that will not sway me, I will take the punishment to feel right in my heart. I have something else to set in stone, I am ashamed and descrased by the general population of churches, but that will not sway my belief in god and jesus and what he stood for, I feel I am on the right path, I will not allow people to confuse me with what is acceptable in todays society, I will believe in what is in my heart and mind, I will find who I am and what gods plans for me are in this life, james

the book of james anew, page five

The book of james anew, page five

It seems lately I am having a very hard time writing what is on my mind, over the past couple of years I feel I have grown immensely, my hole life has been about right now, I have never really tried to pursue any dreams or put goals into motion, as far as that goes, I have never really set any goals for myself, things always just seem to fall in place enough for me to get by, but that is not enough for me any more.

I was talking to a friend the other night about a goal that I would like to achieve, she seems to be a very smart woman who has overcome many things in her life and she lives for god, she had me in tears in no time, filling me full of inspiration and hope, taking away my self doubt, she talked about a business plan, sitting down and writing out how to put my goal in motion, I felt alive, ready to concur the world, but it didn't take long once the phone call ended for me to feel lost once again, and that's when I realized, I have no idea who I am or what I believe in, I need a life plan , I need to find what it is I believe in, and put it in stone, Im realizing that I have adapted to so many other peoples believes that I have no idea what mine truly are, I do know one thing without a boubt, I know I believe in god, james

Thank you very much sheri, without caring people like you I would be real close to falling flat on my face

the book of james anew, page four

The book of james anew page four

I am beginning to realize that without some type of direction in my life I will continue living in this confused state of mind, I feel like im stuck on the ground floor of life, I see all kinds of doors to open, I just cant seem to pick one, I know I believe in the idea of Christianity, it seems to go with what is in my heart, but I cant wrap my mind around church, and as I talk to more and more people and get there opinions about church it continues to add to my confusion, I believe in the idea of church but i feel that the majority of churches are basically companies, with employees, so how does a person, like myself, who feels god in his heart, I know that he is with me, I cannot explain it, I just do, I feel like I have no where to go for answers, id like to think I could go to church for some guidance but for some reason I feel that the majority of churches have blinders on to any other agenda that is not there own, to me that doesn't seem very godly so my trust in what direction they would like to point me in is not there. Its not that I want to distrust the church system, I just do, I would love to hear good opinions about church from regular people, I really feel like todays society has lost its way.

james

the book of james anew page three

The book of james anew, page three, I don't even know where to start, im so confused, im trying so hard to find my place in life but I have never felt this out of place before, I find myself just existing and unimportant to anyone or anything, I want to have a purpose but I am so unsure of my thoughts and what I want to believe that I feel like im in battle with myself to even continue existing, I want so bad to make a difference and be a part of something that changes our outlook on the human race, religion seems to be so touchy that people run the other way when you bring it up,I have read some of the bible and I see drunkards and prostitutes and theives and even murderers snatched up in faith and changing the world they lived in, I have put my faith in god and have decided to slow my life down and pay more attention to my actions and take more pride in who I am and how I live, but it seems since ive made these decisions, well I have never felt more alone or suicidal in my life, but I will not break my faith in god, I will reach farther down in my soul for the strength that he has instilled in me at birth, I will not be defeated by doubt, at times I wonder if im crazy because of my thoughts and what I believe, but then again whos to say whos crazy, should I worry about you judging me, or should I track down what I believe to be right and tackle it without a second thought. I want to live, and enjoy my life as I live, I know in my heart I will never find happiness working a nine to five and getting by with just paying the bills, I feel angry, upset and let down by god, but I believe that is human nature, and I believe it is time for me to show a little maturity and follow what is in my heart, to put my belief in something bigger than me, to chase happiness, and I believe Christianity to be right, I think it is a long road, but feeling good about who you are and caring for other people cant be wrong, I feel as if some force is trying to stomp out my soul, I will take this on faith that I am doing something right. james

the book of james anew, page 2

The book of James anew page two im sure alot of people are thinking ya right, now he found god, well the fact of the matter is, ive always had god with me, I just didn't know him, id like to say I know him now but I cant, I can say I know of him, and I am learning the ways of his son, I was baptized on easter but I will have you know there was no bolt of lightning or some sudden change in who I am, just a commitment to make suddle changes in my life, I will not be knocking on your door telling you to confess your sins or you will burn in hell, what I will be doing is reevaluating who I am and what really brings joy to ones heart, because I have been without any for what seems to be eternity, my goal is to mature, to gain wisdom, emotional wisdom, to learn how to be true to myself and all those I come in contact with, for me, to know that I have given to others unselfishly, makes me feel good, how can that be wrong, I feel very alone and kinda isolated, but I feel good about who I am and even better about where I am In my life and where im going, I want nothing more than my life to continue in this direction but I can feel myself dying without the interaction of others, I need all the support I can get, thanks, james

the book of james anew, page one

its been awhile since ive been here, my life has turned up side down once again, but it is what it is, the important thing i believe is to get back to what feels right, ive gone through some scary changes over the last two years and have been in some really dark places in my mind, but over the last three months or so i have been educated quite a bit about christianity, i have been baptized, and i have made a vow to god to become a better and stronger christian, i have never felt such forces working so hard against me, if not for the blind faith i have taken in the lord i would not believe he even existed,i have never felt such loneliness as i do at this point in my life, but my faith will stay unwaivering and i will know that i am in his grace, i will open the doors that he puts in front of me with no fear, only anticipation of what challenges he might have me face, and i will spend every moment searching for wisdom and maturity to handle all that is thrown at me, i am inspired by the word of god, james