the book of james anew page three

The book of james anew, page three, I don't even know where to start, im so confused, im trying so hard to find my place in life but I have never felt this out of place before, I find myself just existing and unimportant to anyone or anything, I want to have a purpose but I am so unsure of my thoughts and what I want to believe that I feel like im in battle with myself to even continue existing, I want so bad to make a difference and be a part of something that changes our outlook on the human race, religion seems to be so touchy that people run the other way when you bring it up,I have read some of the bible and I see drunkards and prostitutes and theives and even murderers snatched up in faith and changing the world they lived in, I have put my faith in god and have decided to slow my life down and pay more attention to my actions and take more pride in who I am and how I live, but it seems since ive made these decisions, well I have never felt more alone or suicidal in my life, but I will not break my faith in god, I will reach farther down in my soul for the strength that he has instilled in me at birth, I will not be defeated by doubt, at times I wonder if im crazy because of my thoughts and what I believe, but then again whos to say whos crazy, should I worry about you judging me, or should I track down what I believe to be right and tackle it without a second thought. I want to live, and enjoy my life as I live, I know in my heart I will never find happiness working a nine to five and getting by with just paying the bills, I feel angry, upset and let down by god, but I believe that is human nature, and I believe it is time for me to show a little maturity and follow what is in my heart, to put my belief in something bigger than me, to chase happiness, and I believe Christianity to be right, I think it is a long road, but feeling good about who you are and caring for other people cant be wrong, I feel as if some force is trying to stomp out my soul, I will take this on faith that I am doing something right. james