day92

Day92 it seems ive finally missed my first day, but life couldn't be better, I was very busy yesterday, ive hired two more guys and my girlfriend is here, so there's a lot of adjusting to do, but not to fear, I now have control of my life and I love putting things in order, my life is as it should be, and new responsibilities are a blessing to me, my life seems to get fuller every day and for once in my life I am able to deal with any situation that comes at me, it is amazing how much I actually look forward to living out each and every day now, I spend my time thinking about how I can do better, be better, and it now seems like people look up to me instead of at me, it is a very good feeling and it makes me want to try even harder to be a better person for every one around me, it seems like there's been a lot of changes in my daily routine this week so my mind has been very focused on my guys busy, and ive been very tired at the end of the day, but a lot is getting done and all the work out of my guys seems to be very good, well I believe that's all the catching up im going to do tonight as we are meeting friends for dinner and im about out of time, I feaken love this life I have created for myself, James

day 90

Day 90 well today is three months clean, it seems I am a different person with a new life, I am living proof that you can rewrite who you want to be, but it doesn't work unless you live it, I feel I have risen above and beyond my own expectations, ninety days ago I had no self worth, barely a place to live, and was unable to have any type of healthy relationship with anyone. I lived to escape life every day, it was all I knew, and all I wanted to do. My goal in life was to make money and get high, that's as far as I could see, I was truly caught up on a never ending path that only got darker and lonelier as the days went by.. I was definitely being deceived by drugs and alcohol and could not see past my own misery and fears, I am happy to say I have squashed my misery and now see fear as something to conquer, I look forward to the challenge of life every day, yes there is still fear in my life but I no longer run from it, it seems now I am able to see right through it, fear is not the block wall I used to think it was, and it seems pretty weak if you find the right spot to hit it in, I now look forward to finding and removing different fears that I have from my life every day. I now realize all those years of chasing happiness through drugs and alcohol only took me the opposite way, instead of easing my pain it only brought more on, adding more guilt and humiliation to my already broken spirit, it is a very vicious circle that seems to be impossible to break when you are blinded by it. Hope has to come from somewhere outside the circle because there is none on the inside or it wouldn't exist.

I would like to talk about what I have gained in my first ninety days, self worth, pride, values, morality, a good job, a nice place to live, the strongest friendships I have ever known, respect from others, and a love I thought only existed in fairy tales and movies, I have really gotten to know someone and I have never felt so close to anyone before, I don't even know how long we have been talking but I feel as though she has been a part of my life forever, even though we have never met face to face, well that ends today, we have been very open and honest with each other and I love who this person is, and I believe with all of my heart she feels the same, I am so looking forward to this new adventure of love, I will leave no stone unturned and learn all that I can about these new found feelings that I now have in my life, I will pay even more attention to my values and morals as to not break these bonds of trust we have between us, I will do every thing in my power to keep this relationship as strong and as healthy as anyone could ask for, I love the changes I have made in my life, I love who I have become, and I absolutely love everything about living, thank all of you for showing up and keeping me pointed in the right direction, without all of you none of these things I now have would be reality, James

day89

Day 89 today has been a very productive day, I absolutely love my job, but I am very wore out, I think sometimes its more tiring thinking and planning than it is to actually do the work, I love being efficient, it feels good to do a good job, and I feel good knowing I go the extra mile to get things done right. Anyway I have a surprise visit today, my sister was headed to Arkansas and decided to stop by, we haven't seen each other in three years, or talked, its nice to catch up, but tomorrow is a very big day for me, its been all I can think about for weeks, and its my ninetieth day, I will talk more tomorrow about what is on my mind. It seems I just want today to be over with, I cant really think about anything but tomorrow, well I need to visit with my sister so until tomorrow, James

day88

Day 88 it seems that once again I need to fight through my fears of being ridiculed about what's on my mind, I have to keep telling myself that yes, I can make a difference, my ideas may seem different but I believe they could be the start of something big, new ideas to start finding solutions for this epidemic that is drug abuse, the more I think about it the more it seems that the community needs to get more involved, addicts will not fix themselves, they will only recruit more addicts. And I also believe that the court system is set up for failure, threatening addicts with jail time if they don't stay clean or work whatever program the court orders does not offer the hope of a better life that addicts need to want to stay clean, or the structure to keep them clean, without the sight of a better future there just isn't any reason to stay clean. I believe it is up to the people that actually care about this town and the people in it, we need to have a community meeting to discuss what options addicts have, and maybe create some new options that don't exist yet, I love this little town that I have moved to and would like to be a part in making it better, and I believe the solutions to the overwhelming drug use in the community is coming together and finding more ways to offer hope rather than sit back and expect the police to solve the problems by throwing all the druggies in jail, that's not the solution, that is only a band aid that will not stop the infection from growing. Playing hardball is not the solution, being part of their lives and showing them that you care and they are not hopeless is the beginning of the solution, I believe this with all of my heart to be true. I believe society has depended on the courts and rehab systems for far to long and it is now time to get more involved, over the next couple of months I am going to try to get the word out and organize a community meeting so people can pull their ideas and thoughts together, I know that there's more we can do if we stop depending on others and start doing ourselves, I pray that I will not be alone in trying to make a difference, and I do fear failure, but if I do not try I have already failed, James

day87

Day87 everything seems to be going right on track, I have handled all my responsibilities for the week and got more done than I intended, I am very happy with everything that is happening in my life, it seems in only three months I have put myself in a position that takes people years to get to when there not on drugs, I feel really good about where I am in life, and who I am, the responsibilities that I have are more of a blessing than a pain and my mind always seems to be on what im doing next, even when im not at work. I have some other major things going on my life that I really need to talk about but the time just isn't right yet, once I get all the details worked out I will be able top discuss them. It seems today is a very relaxing day, I cannot remember any of the last eighty six days feeling like this, there seems to be nothing to worry about or get excited over, it is, I believe my first regular day, it actually feels kind of odd and im not sure how to take it, not one single thing to worry about or feel guilty for, just things to look forward to, well ive been up since four so im about done for the day, I have to thank all that continue to read, it is you that drives me forward, James

day86

Day 86, I have to keep reminding my self where I was eighty five days ago, and how I used to live my life and feel about myself, its absolutely amazing how far I have come in such a short time. My old life is definitely a thing of the past, among with the old Jim. I have worked really hard to change my old ways and ive had nothing but success, ive gone from the guy that needed to borrow money for gas to the person that loans it, it is truly a great feeling. Although I have lived a very long time unhappy and high most the time I am still thankful, very thankful for the misery that I have lived through, I truly believe that I will bring life back to so many that have hidden from it for so long, I believe that I can offer hope to the hopeless, as each day passes and my future becomes more clear I see myself finding some answers and saving some lives, I have no intentions of sitting back and doing nothing while this world deteriorates in front of me, I will find ways to be part of solutions in making this a better world for everyone, that is where my mind is today, eighty five days ago it was on drugs and only cared about escaping what was my life. I know in my heart each and every one of you who read this has someone in your life that is no different than I was, drug addiction seems to be right next door to every house on every block, if its not already in your house its very possible it will be soon, and its not going to go away unless the people that are not on drugs start learning more about how to help the people that are addicted, I truly believe that the bonds of addiction can be broken by offering love and hope consistently to those who have none, give them a reason to want to live again because they have none now. If you love someone who is suffering through addiction step up and talk to them, the time is now and don't take no for an answer and don't let them push you away, all you need to do is talk to them, let them know you care, don't wait for them to come to you, cause they wont. Make a difference, today, James

Tweet me @jameshudnall

DAY85

DAY 85 TODAY IS AN EARLY POST TO TRY AND GET ME BACK ON AN AM SCHEDULEDAY 84 HAS ONLY BEEN POSTED FOR EIGHT HOURS. ITS FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING HERE, IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS I BELIEVE THAT IVE STARTED WRITING IN THE MORNING, I REALLY ENJOY WRITING IN THE MORNING SO MUCH MORE BECAUSE IT SEEMS I CAN THINK MUCH BETTER, IT SEEMS MY MIND IS NOT SO CLOUDED WITH ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED THROUGHOUT THE DAY. IT SEEMS I STILL NEED TO WORK ON GETTING INTO A ROUTINE, THE ONLY THING THAT SEEMS DEFINATE IN MY LIFE IS SEVEN AM WHEN I MEET THE GUYS THAT WORK WITH ME, IM VERY GOOD AT KEEPING MY WORK SCHEDULE BUT IT SEEMS EVERYTHING ELSE JUST GETS DONE WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. I BELIEVE I NEED TO START SLOWLY ADDING OTHER PARTS OF MY LIFE ON A SCHEDULE, START BUILDING AROUND MY WORK SCHEDILE SINCE I SEEM TO HAVE IT WORKING SO WELL FOR ME.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE BONDS THAT I HAVE MADE IN THE PAST EIGHTYFOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE A GOOD FRIEND TO PEOPLE AND IVE ALWAYS BEEN A CARING PERSON BUT FOR SOME REASON I HAVE ALWAYS FELT VERY ALONE, I USED TO THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, LIKE I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO LIKE, I TRIED SO HARD TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE ME, BUT I STILL FELT LIKE I JUST WASN'T THAT IMPORTANT TO ANYONE, WELL THAT HAS CHANGED OVER THE LAST EIGHTY DAYS, AND IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY I FELT THAT WAY, MAYBE BECAUSE THE WAY I LIVED MY LIFE WAS VERY CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AND NO ONE WANTED TO GET HURT WHEN I FELL OFF SO THEY WOULDN'T GET CLOSE TO ME, I DON'T KNOW, I STILL FEEL LIKE I JUST WASN'T IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO ANYONE FOR THEM TO PUT THEIR HAND OUT AND HELP ME, MAYBE I AM WRONG, MAYBE PEOPLE WERE PUTTING THEIR HANDS OUT TO HELP BUT I WAS TO HIGH TO SEE IT, IF SO I MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY HIGH BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMDER ANYBODY REALLY STEPPING UP IN MY LIFE AND TRYING TO SET ME STRAIGHT. I AM VERY THANKFUL OF MY DAUGHTER, IT IS HER LOVE FOR ME THAT HAS LEAD ME TO ALL THE LOVE I HAVE COMING MY WAY NOW. I FEEL I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT FRIENDSHIP BUT I KNOW I AM HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, I NOW HAVE SEVERAL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT I KNOW CARE ABOUT ME AND I TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM, AND I ALSO KNOW THAT IF I WERE TO START SLIDING BACKWARDS THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE NOW WOULD NOT SIT BY AND WATCH, THEY WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BACK OUT OF MY HOLE BY MY HAIR IF THEY HAD TO, I AM A VERY LUCKY PERSON TO HAVE CREATED SUCH STRONG FRIENDSHIPS IN SUCH A SHORT TIME, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO MY SUCCESS TO HAVE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS THAT CARE ABOUT ME, I WILL TRY HARDER IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE TO CARE MORE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND TO HELP THOSE IN NEED, WHETHER I KNOW THEM OR NOT, EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT THEM, IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD, SO PLEASE DO YOUR PART AND REACH OUT AND CARE ABOUT SOMEONE TODAY, IT COULD BE THE DIFFERENCE IN THEIR LIVES, I LOVE WHO I AM TODAY, AND IT IS BECAUSE OF THE LOVE I RECEIVE, JAMES

day84

Day 84 today went so much better than yesterday, it seems I once again had to resort back to what got me here in the first place, one problem at a time. It seems prioritizing problems and taking them on one at a time is very manageable, seeing them all at the same time isn't, I have to keep this in the front of my mind as it has certainly made my life easily manageable. I will also work really hard to continue to change my thought process, im used to putting things I don't want to do off, I would like to turn that around, from now on im going to start doing the things I seem to dislike first, get them out of the way as soon as possible so I don't stress on doing it all day, im sure that will make my day that much more enjoyable knowing that the day will get easier instead of harder. I love living and learning, maturing, it is something I haven't done for many years as all I did was survive day after day, barely making it to the next, what a horrible way to live, it saddens me to think how many others are living that life as we speak.

Well I am very tired and cant seem to think straight right nowso until tomorrow, James

Tweet me @james hudnall

day83

Day 83 well I would have to say today has been stressful to say the least, john has left to go back to san diego to take care of some business there, and with out him here the weight of all my responsibilities seemed to drag me down all day, its not that my role in this job has changed any, because it hasn't, im doing the same things I was doing when he was here. Its just that I don't want to let him down, it is important to me that things get done in a timely and costly manner, it seems when I feel the pressure my mind races and I get in a hurry, I start to think im behind and try to play catch up and things don't get done right. I found myself a little confused and short tempered and had to take fifteen minutes to myself to slow my brain down, after I thought about what I was doing I realized I was trying to do to much, I also realized I wasn't falling behind, I don't know why at times I feel im not doing a good enough job, but I do. After taking a minute to think about it I realized that I am doing a very good job, I am proud of the fact that I can be trusted with so much responsibility and that I now have the maturity and values to make the right decisions when they come up. I have gained a lot of wisdom throughout my drug use, I was just to high to know what to do with it, I can honestly say I am in the best place in my life that I have ever been, all aspects of my life are gaining strength every day, when I was on drugs I was nothing but an empty shell, I now feel like a giant, James

day82

Day 81 I cant believe how much I am in love with life, and every thing about it, life used to be so miserable, every thing seemed to be miserable, waking up was the beginning of my unhappiness every day, I would have to make myself get out of bed in the mornings with nothing to look forward to but getting high to escape the awful way I felt, failure seemed to be a way of life for me, and I didn't care who knew, I felt so bad about myself and like there was no way I could ever amount to anything. I was very alone, and I made it that way so people couldn't see the real me, I was humiliated and ashamed of who I was and didn't want those who were close to me to think I was a failure so I pushed them away, not realizing it would only take me farther down, when addicts are on drugs there thought process is way out of wack and the alienation begins by you trying to help them, they tell you to mind your own business enough and you do, you shouldn't, you know there killing themselves and there to high to see the difference, you cant tell them what to do but you can talk to them and let them know you love and care about, let them know how much they are hurting you, spend some time talking to them instead of telling them what there doing wrong ,ask them if they are happy and see what there response is, help them find solutions instead of making them feel judged, actually care about them, they will feel it and respond, I never realized I was hurting anyone, I thought, its my life and im only hurting myself, and people should mind there own business, I felt I had no one in my life that cared either way about me so I didn't care about myself. It seems now the more people care about me the better I want to do, and the more people put there trust in me, the harder I try to earn it, I now walk tall and feel proud and I am surrounded by a calmness from all the love I receive each and every day from friends and family, in the last eighty one days I have created stronger bonds than I have in forty years, I now have people in my life that I know I can depend on and they know they can depend on me, after all isn't that what life is really about, knowing who you are and what you stand for, I know that I am now a man of my word, and I stand for what is right, and my values are now to strong to just sit back and watch when I know I can do something to make a difference, I hope that others will begin to raise there values and not mind there own business, after all, if its someone you love it is your business, James

day81

Day81 days seem to be flying by, there seems to be absolutely no battle in staying clean anymore, its seems im more focused on doing what is right and doing a good job at work, I feel so good about who I have become, I have no worries about how I have lived today, only good thoughts of what I have accomplished. I still believe there is more for me to do, and I believe in a month or so I will have some things figured out, I believe a meeting should be held with recovered addicts speaking to those who have no idea what its like to be an addict, those who have family members or friends that are addicts that they want to see get clean, I don't know exactly how it would work yet but I think it is important that addicts come forward and tell there story to show how serious this problem really is, it effects everyone in the community, and I believe that if we put our knowledge together and come up with some real solutions instead of band aids we could not only save a lot of people in this town, but we could set the example for other towns to follow, my mind does not work small, I believe that if someone takes the first step others will follow, I don't care who it is that takes the step as long as someone does, if I feel it is in the right direction I will follow, but if somebody doesn't take that step soon I will, I feel there is no time to waste, and im not ok with helping just one person, I want to help them all, I want to find solutions that will spread across the nation saving addicts, but I cannot do it alone, I need others to come forward, people that are now living everyday lives but used to be addicts, tell your story and show others that it can be done, there are so many suffering, addicts, and the ones who love them, it seems that I am rambling so I will stop for the night, think about what you can do to help, James

Tweet this @jimhudnall

day80

Day80well I have actually taken half a day off and not because im sick, I spent the day at the lake with new friends on there pontoon boat, it gave me a lot of time to think, I love being on the water, and by next year intend on having my own boat so I can spend at least one day a week on the lake relaxing, enjoying the beautiful things this world has to offer. Its really been a great day.

On to what's on my mind today, and for the last couple of days, it seems I feel as though im not doing enough, or at least there's more I can do, ive had several people stop me and talk to me about my story and a lot of them have similar stories themselves, I have received phone numbers and emails and the Okmulgee paper has to, in fact there posting one of the letters in Sundays paper tomorrow, it seems like I am supposed to be here, solutions need to be found, and I feel like I may be able to find some. I believe that a different type of meeting/therapy/rehab needs to be created, our system needs to be updated to current times, the old ways are not working for most, and if we don't come up with some solutions it will be our grandkids sticking needles in there arms and prostituting themselves out for ten dollars worth of drugs, I am very scared for my children and yours. It seems society has taught us addicts will quit when there ready but every addict is ready, I don't know a happy addict and don't think I ever will, I know ive said all of this before but I think it is very important in saving someone from drugs to make them feel loved, cared about I believe the majority of addicts get high to escape those feelings of loneliness and emptiness, the farther you step back from there lives the more they will use, and maybe die, my story is no different than that person in your life, and it was the love of others that has brought me back to life, I believe we need to have an open meeting for addicts and there families, and not sworn to secrecy, wide open, the problems will not be fixed if they are hidden from the world, they will only get worse, I am not sure how to work this out but I will continue to think about it and maybe, just maybe cure some addicts and bring some more love into this world. James

Please follow me on twitter @jimhudnall

day79

Day 79 I wish I could say im completely smoke free, I haven't bought cigarettes in two days, but I have smoked about 10 cigarettes in the last two days, I know im winning this battle but it is a battle, I believe im doing the very best that I can and im proud of myself for not giving in, my health is coming back quickly, I can breathe once again, and the cough I have is much different than sickness, I know my body is cleaning itself out, and this is the most important part, just because I didn't meet my deadline doesn't mean its over, I will not just give up, I will continue to fight this battle every moment of every day until I win this war. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day I can say im smoke free.

I seem to be getting very comfortable in my job but im finding I need more secretary skills for all this paperwork, I am totally unorganized, but im getting there, ive been working on a house the last week and im very proud of the guys ive got working with me, ive got pictures but it will be two weeks before I get them up, ive been taking pictures of all the stages we have done so far, for once in my life I actually enjoy my job, this is very new to me, it seems ive always done things because I needed the money, not because I enjoyed it, I really enjoy the trust john puts into me, and it makes me want to live up to higher standards, and to give more than what is expected. Im finding myself very happy here, it seems I am very happy about everything that is going on in my life. Another day without drugs and all I seem to do is succeed, it's a James

day78

Day78 it seems like my life is right where its supposed to be, I am thinking clear and living by much higher standards than I ever knew of before, I am at the start of a very loving and caring relationship, and I am learning new comforts and joys I never new existed. It seems impossible for life to get any better than this but each day I wake up it seems to. I am absolutely over whelmed at how wonderful life can actually be, and for some reason I just know tomorrow morning the sun will shine even brighter for me. It seems though I still want more, its not that im not satisfied, because I am, but I feel like I have more to offer, I just don't know what it is yet, some how I feel ive got to share this happiness that is my life with those who need it, I want to fill the worlds heart with the love that I feel right now, and let me tell you it feels good. So how can I spread this warmth to all that is cold, I just don't know and it troubles me, and there doesn't seem to be much that troubles me lately. I feel as though I could touch the stars without even trying, but can do nothing about the sorrow around me, it is strange, like I have a sixth since, I see the smiles on the faces of people around me but do not feel there happiness, only the pain that they hide behind their smiles, at times I feel guilty because I am at such peace, I wonder at times if others feel like I do, if they to watch total strangers and let there minds sink into the lives of others, feel there pain and hurt with them silently, or am I just different than most. I will continue to look for more ways to bring true smiles to anyone I come in contact with, whether it be through my writings or at the local convenience store, I know there's more I can do, James

day77

Day 77 what's been on my mind today, I will tell you, personal strength, its hard to explain, I cant figure out why I cant just stop smoking, I know its killing me and costing me to much money, plus it stinks. you would think someone who has overcome all the things I have would be able to just put this behind me and walk away, but I must remind myself where my strength came from, and I must remind all of you too, when I quit drugs and drinking it wasn't my strength, it was the strength of all of you who believed in me, it was the way that all of you cared about me, it was you who inspired me, and I didn't want to let any of you down, that is how I made it through the first few weeks, and as my mind cleared and the love of all of you caring about my life kept pouring in it made me want to step it up a notch. So here I am now, because of the love of others, many whom ive never met, I am a new man, a positive role model to society, and ive never known happiness like this could exist, the desire for drugs and alcohol have not only left my mind, I cannot imagine how I was ever stupid enough to live the way I did, so now to the smoking, I have a new person in my life who is giving me the personal strength I need to quit, once again I find myself very weak if I tackle this alone, over the past couple of weeks this woman has shared enough love with me to allow me to quit five times over, and she has told me I must quit for myself, well that hasn't worked for me in the past and I don't think it will work for me now, it seems to make me feel good to do for others and I know she worries about me so as my act of love, I will not put it off any more, I will return the love she has given me by being strong for her, by easing her mind and taking better care of myself, I have one cigarette left and it will be my last, I am bound and determined to get that kiss,, it seems my personal strength is not mine at all, it comes from all those who care about me and without them I would surely crumble, James

dat76

Day 76 I must say I have never been at this place in my life, I never new it even existed, my sunglasses are off and my head is held high, I have never felt so good about looking people in the eye. Life has definitely slowed down for me and I can smell the roses, they seem to be flourishing all around me. I am living my life right and it doesn't seem to be able to trip me up anymore, no problems, only solutions.

I would like to talk a little more about what I was saying yesterday, I have lived my life felling like I was beneath a lot of people, and im learning I felt this way for all the wrong reasons, I always thought the more money you made the easier life would be, and that having more than one relationship at a time was cool, growing up it seemed like that's what everyone was doing, the guy with the most girls was the coolest, ive never really had anyone talk to me about relationships and friendships until lately, as my mind clears from all the years of abuse and I try to find who I am and what I stand for I see a lot of the same things going on that I saw when I was a child, people chasing after the ideas of what they think will make them happy, instead of doing a little soul searching for the truth, there isn't any nobility in false happiness, and I believe nobility is getting scarce in our society all together, ive always thought none of my relationships worked out because I was on drugs, but as I see the world now and all the failing relationships and hurtful attacks between partners, a lot of them, not on drugs. I have to wonder how it will be in another ten years, I no longer feel below all those people, as a matter of fact I wish they would take some time to think about what happiness really means, and how to find it. I will tell you how I am finding it, by not making selfish decisions, almost every decision I make involves someone else's life, I make my decisions according to my moral values and by how it effects others, keeping promises and being a man of my word, that brings a lot of happiness to my life, living noble, how could you not be happy with yourself when you live every day to better yourself and live to help others do the same. If you feel you put on a false smile at times for others, please take the time to think about it and rid yourself of the problems that lead to it, you will find that a real smile feels so much better, James

dat75

Day75 today will be short as the okmolgee article is very long, im having a lot of trouble trying to figure out this computer stuff, its very frustrating not knowing how to do something and not being able to figure it out, everything I try to do is usually pretty easy to figure out but it seems the more I mess with this computer the more I mess it up.

There is something that I would like to talk about just a little today and I will talk more about it tomorrow, it seems the more time I have clean the more I notice what seems to be going on around me, I feel so much different about life, my life, and as all those material items I used to want because I thought somehow my life was going to be better when I got them fade from my mind thoughts of friendship and self morality replace those material items a happiness I have never known fills my heart, and as I look around and see people who I once believed were so successful in life because of there belongings and I have to wonder, are they happy, I feel like im starting to see through a lot of fake smiles, false fronts that people put up, regular people, in order to hide their unhappiness from the world, it saddens me greatly to see so much dispair hidden behind so many smiles, we have got to find more solutions, James

okmulgee paper

Local carpenter rebuilds

his life one day at a time

Jim Hudnall's blog provides updates and inspiration

By HERMAN BROWN

Daily Times editor

Jim Hudnall wakes up each morning facing a major challenge. The 42-year-old carpenter is rebuilding the Black Apartments. The massive construction job will stretch weeks into the future. Even so, the rebuilding job is nothing compared to Hudnall's other challenge.

"I'm trying to rebuild my life," he said. "I want to live."

Hudnall has chosen to say yes to life. In doing so, he must forever say no to crack cocaine and alcohol. For him, it's a constant battle against those deadly demons.

On Thursday, Hudnall shared his story with the Okmulgee Daily Times. He sat in an apartment at 10^th and Seminole and reflected on the events that led him his rebuilding job in Okmulgee.

As recently as June, Hudnall was a crack-smoking handyman in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The father of five was little help to his family and friends. His paydays were wasted on drugs and booze. The real victims of his drug-fueled lifestyle were his four sons, his daughter and his supportive ex-wife.

Hudnall knew he had to change. He realized drugs were ruining his life – and would likely kill him. Even worse, his irresponsibility was a growing danger to his loved ones. That point was driven home on the final day of June.

"I was smoking crack (cocaine) and drunk," he said. "One of my children got into a situation and I was unable to handle it because of my state of mind. I called my (24-year-old) daughter that night while I was high and drunk. I told her I was ready to quit."

Hudnall was determined to stop his downward spiral. But he knew it wouldn't be easy. He had tried to stop before. On those earlier occasions, he always fell back into that lethal lifestyle with a week or two.

This time, he promised, it would be different. Perhaps it was because of what he saw in the mirror. He had far more questions than answers.

"All of the sudden I am 40 and have not a clue as to who I am, or what I believe in, or where the rest of my life is going from here. How could I let me get here? How have I wasted all these years?"

Hudnall didn't have the answers. But he knew his climb from this horrific life must be played out in front of the world. He was determined to help himself. He was also determined to see others benefit from his looming journey.

"I wanted to somehow be able to write about it and help other people to quit as I was quitting."

Not familiar with computers, Hudnall had no idea of how to get his message out to others. Luckily, his wonderful daughter solved the problem. She went on her computer and set up a blog for her father. She provided him a spot on the Internet to keep a daily journal of his daily struggle. The world was now watching!

"That was all her," he said. "She set it up for me and made it real easy. All I had to do was write my daily blog. She got it on there for me."

On July 1, 2010, Hudnall sat down in front of his daughter's computer and launched his personal blog. It was appropriately called "The Book of James – A Guide to Getting Your Life Back."

Day 1's blog opened with the following sentence: "Today was a great day; I'm not getting high!"

The newest member of the 'blog society' then introduced himself to the fellow citizens of the World Wide Web. He opened up his heart and bared his soul to everyone who visited his site. He started out by recounting his early descent into darkness.

Jim remembers drinking and smoking cigarettes and marijuana at the age of 11 or 12. He was then farmed off to several foster homes over the next few years. His downward plunge halted, for a while, when he lived with a man named Scott.

"Scott taught me how to work and how important it is to earn what you have," he recalls. "He instilled important values that are still with me today."

Sadly, the work ethic was the only positive lesson that remained with him. The othr good advice was lost in the foggy world of drugs.

"I have been lost in every other part of my life," he admits.

The California native was introduced to Meth when he was 18 years old. He was using needles to shoot up a decade later. The destructive lifestyle stalled briefly when he was sent to jail for a year.

Hudnall then moved back to Chattanooga, Tennessee. His plan was to get away from the strong cravings for Meth.

"I was successful because there wasn't any good Meth in Tennessee at the time," he said. "So I started smoking crack."

Despite having a family and a job, Hudnall spent years abusing drugs and alcohol. He wanted to quite, but never could make the successful step.

"You just continue avoiding the issue and (keep) getting high," he said. "It was all I can do, all I can focus on, all I know, and my routine. It rules my life!"

Even as he wasted his money on crack cocaine, he knew how horrible it is to his life.

"On crack, the good side is NOTHING! The bad side is it controls you. It leaves you broke. It makes you neglect your family and friends and the list of bad reasons goes on and on. Am I really that stupid? Really? That's pretty embarrassing!"

The new Jim Hudnall decided to write about his struggle in the blog. He promised to write an entry in the blog every single day. Each of his entries outline his ups and downs, but show the world he was staying off drugs and booze. The real trick is to write in his blog each and every day – no exceptions.

"If you don't hear from me tomorrow, I am a true idiot," he said on Day 1. But they did hear from him … each and every day since July 1.

On Sept. 9, Hudnall sat in front of his newest powerbook computer and hammered out his most recent experiences and thoughts. It's Day 70 of what he hopes is a blogging journey to forever. The subject of his posts drifted away from the battle with drugs and alcohol. His current blog tells of he he plans to stop smoking cigarettes. He's reducing the cigarettes to only one an hour. The goal is to snuff out his final cigarette very soon. If he's able to tame this nicotine monster, he's expecting "a kiss from a beautiful woman." That's nice motivation for the soon-to-be ex-smoker.

In a related note, Hudnall's blog led directly to him re-locating to Okmulgee. A longtime friend in California began reading his posts. He was aware that the blogger was staying clean and trying to change his life. The friend's father had purchased 20 rent houses and the Black Apartments in Okmulgee. They needed help with construction and repair projects at the local properties.

"He talked his father into sending me out here, before he got here, to start helping. That's my friend John Jr. That's how I ended up out here."

Hudnall really enjoys living in the community. If all goes well, he hopes his family will join him here in the not-too-distant future.

"I like it here," he said. "I'm seriously thinking this is going to be the home for the rest of my life. I want to be a part of this community and a positive role here."

Today, Hudnall is very proud of how he handled his first month in Okmulgee. Nobody knew him or knew of his battle to avoid drugs and booze. Had he been weak, he could have gotten drunk without anyone noticing him.

"I kind of went through a stage to where 'do I want people to know about me here?' But as I was here two or three weeks, I said 'yes, I do!' Because I started having thoughts … and I do what people to recognize me; to say 'that's the guy that's not drinking or doing drugs.' So it was very important for me to talk to you and try to get my story out."

The message is being spread far and wife. In fact, his blog reaches countless locations around the world. There have been 6,400 people in the United States visit his blog site. There are another 52 from Canada, 19 from Nigeria, 14 from Iraq, 11 from Luxenburg, 8 from Germany, 5 from Mexico, 2 from Australia, 2 from France and 2 from Iceland. These are the people reading his posts each day and providing constant feedback and encouragement.

"This is my passion right now," he said of the blog. "This is what saved me. Let me tell you how serious I am: The blog comes before my work! I want to spread that to as many people as possible. And I don't want to slip back to where I was. Every day that I sit here and take the time to write about what I went through that day, it keeps it fresh in my head that I don't want to go back to my old life.

"I want to continue to show how far a person can go, from being on drugs to being the mayor of Okmulgee! I told 'em I'm staying here. I may be the mayor one day. I'm serious. I mean, how far can a person go? My goal is to show people that the sky is the limit."

Jim Hudnall's work on the Black Hotel will continue for weeks, maybe months. But the repairs to his life will continue for years.

"I never want to go back to what my life was before," he said. "But I know it's up to me to make the right decisions each and every day, from now on."

His growing circle of friends will follow his journey with the daily entries to his blog. He hopes that everyone in Okmulgee will start to read his posts. Those, he hopes, will provide inspiration for others to overcome whatever roadblocks are in their lives.

---

WHAT TO FOLLOW JIM'S BLOG?

Jim Hudnall's daily blog can be found at www.The BookofJames-GuidetoGettingYour LifeBack. He adds a posts every day, seven days a week.

day74

Day74 today is a good day for me, as I left my home at five am to go get the paper I was nervous about the reaction I would get, this is a small town and they put pictures in the paper, so people will see me and make judgment either from my past or my present, but if I am to help others I cannot live in fear of my past and I know with all of my heart if they judge me by my present they have no choice but to show me respect. I believe there will be no learning and no solutions found if the problems are continuously swept under the carpet. So I choose to live with the problems I once had and the solutions I have come up with that have worked for me right out in the open for everybody to learn from, and yes at times I feel humiliated and ashamed of the past life I led, but hiding it from the world only keeps me from climbing out of that hole ive lived in for so long. I am not okay with just getting clean and living a normal life, I will reach down and find something good in all those years of misery that I have lived. I will show people that there is a way out of that hole and a much better life up here where the sun is shining, its not an easy walk and it seems like nothings getting better in the beginning but if you think about it nothing was really any good while you were getting high and if you are like me you've been doing that for years on end. One day at a time didn't work for me, I told myself ive been on drugs for twenty eight years, its never panned out, not one part of it, so after trying that for twenty eight years with no results, what's one year clean? So that's what I told myself, if I don't have a life in a year then ill get high. Well its been seventy three days and I have found more happiness in my life than I have in my previous forty one years, yes that is right, in just seventy three days, I am now able to hold my head high, look people in theirs eyes when I talk to them because for once in my life I am proud of who I am, no little white lies or hidden secrets about anything. I do not have to worry about which people know about my past and which don't, or what's on my mind now, today I not only live my life for setting an example to others, I also live through this blog, letting people know my intentions and goals in life, and that allows me to feel good about who I am, until tomorrow, James

day73

Day73 its six thirty in the morning here and I feel like I am on track, im going to work on this priority thing and get it right, the goal to quit smoking by the seventeenth is something I feel I can accomplish, I bought the patch the day before yesterday, I put one on yesterday morning and I could not believe the difference, I still smoked yesterday, but only a fourth of what I usually smoke, it seems the less I smoke the more im coughing, it's a terrible cough that leaves me breathless, I cannot wait to be smoke free, and ill get that kiss to boot.

Tonight's post is pretty important to me, the story behind my blog comes out in the Okmulgee paper tomorrow, its very important to me that if a new audience appears they have a full understanding of what this blog is about. So it is my goal today to take some extra time and really think about the journey of my last seventy two days, where I started and where I am now. I will begin with where and who I am now, I am a regular person that has a checking and savings account, a full time job that carries the responsibility of supervising two employees and myself, keeping things moving in the right direction as well as keeping track of hours and different jobs. My job description comes with an extremely large amount of trust from the man who employs me. Now I will try to explain where I stand morally, I believe everyone knows right from wrong, I believe it is something we are born with, but as we live in society our values seem to lower to what ever is excepted. There is no way I am able to feel good about who I am living by these lower expectations, I have never read the bible and don't go to church on a regular basis, I just know right from wrong. Today I base all of my decisions and actions on setting an example for everyone around me to see, I try to make every decision in my life by what is fair and just, and it seems the better I get at living my life this way, the stronger I feel about the changes that will occur in peoples lives all around me. I will continue to try and raise my morals and values in hopes that others around me will do the same.

Well that's where I am after seventy two days of writing this blog, now I will walk you through an average day of my past. I drank and smoked crack until twelve or one in the morning every night, I would get up for work at about seven, feeling awful and being broke, usually having to worry about having enough gas to even make it, I would go to work wishing the day was done but knowing if I wanted to get high that night I had to go, I would watch the clock all day long, just wanting to be off of work so I could go get high, that's all I could think about. I would usually make between eighty to a hundred dollars a day and that would be gone by ten o clock that night, when the money would run out and I would come to terms that smoking crack was over for the night, I would then proceed to drink myself to sleep, just to wake up and do it all over again, this was how I lived for years on end.

So as you can see this blog is not just about quitting drugs, its about redefining who you are, I have touched many areas in my life since this hole thing began, and I can honestly say that as each day goes by my life reaches new heights that I have never known before. This blog is not just for me, it is for everyone like me, who needs to make changes and regain there lives, until tomorrow, James

day72

Day72it seems like I cant get caught up, I got up at four thirty and spent time messaging instead of writing my blog, ive been behind every since. Its now eight o clock and im right where I don't want to be, feeling rushed to write my blog, I need to learn that it is up to me to prioritize, get on a schedule and stick to it. Ive never done this before so im having a little trouble getting started, it seems when you've been on drugs for so long you just live in the now, ive been doing that all my life so that's what im used to. I believe this has to change in order for me to move forward in my life. I never realized how many ways I was living wrong, I guess I still don't, there is still lots of changes to be made, but one important thing I would like to bring up is the fact that drugs and alcohol barely seem to be an issue anymore, as a matter of fact there not an issue at all, I believe as I focus on all the other issues in my life that need work I just don't have time to think about the old problems that's been resolved, and as my life improves I cant see why I ever used in the first place. These little problems ive been talking about lately may seem like average problems to most, but as a druggy, I lived in the moment, getting paid and spending every last dime till I didn't have enough gas in my car to get to work in the morning, that's happened over and over and over, I cant explain the extent I was on drugs and the things I would do to get more, a lot of people might read this and think I was just your average druggy but im here to tell you different, those drugs had such a hold on me I would pawn anything I could get my hands on, I looked terrible and didn't care. Ive spent many a days living under the overpasses, homeless because I got thrown out again, I cannot tell you how many bridges ive slept under and how many other homeless people ive talked to that were just like me, I could've died under there back in the day and no one would've known the difference, and the way that I lived and the things that I did, know body would've probably cared, and why should they, I was a crack head and a drunk that only took, never giving anything. There are stories just like mine living under bridges all over America, not lucky enough to make it out like me. My life has really come a lot farther than many of you think, and it is because of this blog, I guess I know where I need to start with the priorities, James

day 71

Day71i have been convinced, this smoking has got to go and it seems I just couldn't find the motivation. a lot of people have told me you have to do it for yourself, or when your ready you will quit, but I think that I, along with a whole bunch of other people have been ready to quit, its just seems I cant find the motivation, ive quit some pretty hard things, sticking needles in my arm, crack, and alcohol, all the negative behaviors that come with addiction, but smoking seems to be impossible to me, or so I thought, you see over the last few days I have been talking to a new friend, someone who is very much on the same page as me in terms of her life and where she is going in her future, but she is one step ahead of me, a step that I seem to do nothing but struggle with, smoking. She is egging me on to quit and seems genuinely worried about my health, she has got me thinking about not smoking anymore, seriously thinking about it. Last night she gave me the motivation to quit, as our night ended and I wanted a goodnight kiss, she informed me that wouldn't happen until my cigarette breathe goes away, then there would be plenty, needless to say when I woke up this morning I smoked the last of my ciggs and by eight thirty I was out. I thought I had good enough motivation to quit, a kiss from a beautiful woman is something I have not had in many years, but it was not. By one thirty I had to get a pack of ciggs, ive been smoking almost two packs a day since this blog started, and its not going to be that easy for me, so I have found some ways to help me get past this problem, and I need to be reminded so please help me, first I had to find a little bit more motivation, and that wasn't hard, you see when I think of my new friend and how she has opened up to me, and how she genuinely cares about how smoking will effect my health in the future, I know she cares and I believe I could've gotten that kiss if I really wanted to, but she was looking for a way to convince me to take better care of myself, so here is my new motivation, I want much more than a kiss, I want our friendship to grow and this person to believe in me, to know I do not give up easily on making the changes to allow me to live a happier and healthier life, I want her to take comfort that we are walking in the same direction. Now that I have the motivation, im going to cut back for one week, when I bought this pack of smokes I told myself only one an hour, that's cutting my smoking in half if not more, I will do this Friday and Saturday, Sunday its time to cut back even more, im looking forward to getting that kiss by next Friday.

day70

Day 70 its been a very good day, I feel better, I didn't work as hard as I would've liked to but I don't want this sickness to creep back up on me, my interview went very well, the editor of the Okmulgee paper came to my home to interview me, we talked for about a half hour or so, I feel very good about where my life is and where its going, I no longer feel the fear I once did from my past life, only pride of the presence. The choices that I make in this new life that I am creating for myself overshadow my past choices by far, and I will continue to walk down this path of honesty and openness in hopes of opening doors for others to do the same. I am sad to say the Okmulgee paper is not on line, the story will be out in the Sunday paper, with pictures, I promise I will figure out by then how to post them, on Mondays blog I will also post the Sunday story with pictures, so it may be a little long. I am really looking forward to reading it.

One thing I need to focus on is staying on schedule, actually I need to focus on making a schedule. I cant seem to fit all I need to do in a day and with me being sick on top of it im not getting to my blog until nighttime, I didn't start tonight till seven thirty, im tired and feel like im in a hurry because I still have things to do, I must remember in my life my blog has to come first, it is the reason im doing so well. I must not forget as an addict, when things start going good we seem to forget about how bad they once were and slowly stop doing the things we need to do to keep our lives in check, we start twisting the truth just a little to make others think were doing better than we really are, it seems like society expects it from everyone, I will give you an example, I got a checking account last week, which by the way was another big step for me, I now have checking and savings accounts, but anyway the point I was trying to make was when I went to the bank today to pick up my checks, they started at number one thousand, is there a reason they don't start at one, is the bank worried someone wont take my check if it says number one, so now every time I write a check im lying to a merchant about how many ive written, I know it's the banks doing, its just an example of how our society seems to work, this is not how im going to live, there will be no little lies to spruce up how people will see me, I choose to live my life in a manner that will gain trust and respect, little lies always grow, not in my life, James

day69

Day, 69 well I must say everyone was right, I found myself so sock by lunch I had to go up to my apartment and lay down, I was completely wore out, I went by the store and got stuff to make chicken noodle and grilled cheese sandwiches but felt much to bad to even eat, im now up and at the restaurant down the street, im going to have breakfast and go home and then its back to bed, tomorrow is a big day for me.

It seems whenever good things happen in my life roadblocks pop up to discourage me, you see a lot of really good things happened this morning, and I didn't feel bad when I first got up this morning, I even took it easy all weekend, but these roadblocks, they no longer discourage me, as a matter of fact they make me fight that much harder to get where I want to go. That used to not be the case, these roadblocks used to be a quick way out, an excuse for me to quit. I no longer see life as a struggle, but an adventure, a joyous adventure, I may have gotten a late start on life, but living on the wrong side for so long has opened my eyes to things a lot of people don't see, it makes the appreciation for life that much more intense. I have to say im starting to enjoy the roadblocks, as I find a way through each one I realize there is no limit to what I can achieve, and as this goes through my mind my goals seem to grow larger and larger every day, its an awesome feeling.

I have two things id like to tell you about, first I have an appointment with a recruiter at oku teck college on Thursday at 400, I guess we will talk more about that Thursday night or Friday. The other good news I got this morning and the reason tomorrow is going to be a big day is the Okmulgee paper is coming out to my work tomorrow to take some pictures and do an interview, it will be in Sundays paper and if there's good response were going to talk about a daily column, starting off at day one, I am very excited, when I think about myself I never saw this coming in my life. I've never seen myself as a writer but I like the sound of it, as I have written this blog for almost seventy days now I still don't think of myself as a writer, but if a newspaper uses what I write in a daily column, I would not be able to deny the fact that yes, I am a writer. Its going to take a long time for that to set in. there is such a wonderful life to be lived after drugs, James

day68

Day 68 well Donny, im trying to figure out this font thing, as you can see from yesterday im not that good with these computers, but practice makes perfect.

Well I have made a new friend on face book that ive been getting to know the last few days and she is teaching me quite a bit, I truly believe that her wisdom and strength will be a big part of my growth as our friendship grows, as I read her message today I realized there was two major things in my life that deserve focus, getting rid of the cigarettes, and having more pride in myself, she didn't come right out and say that, but she was talking about quitting smoking and caring about yourself, and I realized that I don't take enough time to take proper care of myself. Im not talking about health wise, im talking about personal hygiene, you see ive been on drugs a very long time and never really cared about impressing anyone, growing up I never had anyone teach me about personal hygiene. I don't really know anything about it, im not saying I don't shower, I do, but all I ever buy is a bottle of dollar shampoo, and that's it. Ive never used shaving cream or bar soap, deotorant, or man perfume. I wouldn't know where to start, but I would like to improve myself and this would be a good place to start, ive already cut my hair so short it always looks neat, but there's much more to work on, where do you go to learn this stuff. If you are wandering if I am embarrassed to talk about this stuff, yes I am but how else am I going to learn, it seems a lot of us are embarrassed about things and we don't ask about them out of fear of what other people may think, well I am here to set the example so I am overlooking that fear and asking for answers so I can overcome yet another problem in my life, there is no happiness in living in fear and unsolved problems, so I will rid my life of both. As for smoking I have to thank my new friend for inspiring me to quit, I have swept that thought under the carpet months ago and now it is back, I will keep that thought in the front of my mind, James

day 67

Day 67ive taken the last two days pretty much off work, ive gotten a lot of rest and im looking forward to work in the morning, we went to a casino last night and to the lake today, its only ten minutes away, I love the water so much, im going to spend a lot of weekends there.

It seems I have to continue to pay close attention and not let my mind play tricks on me, you see the better I do it seems the less I worry about where I was. Drinking has always been a big part of my life, and I know it always leads to other things, bad decisions, and worse. I have caught myself thinking its okay to have one beer, a couple of times and I know from past experience its not. I am doing very well at this point in my life and im not willing to go backwards, that is why I continue to check myself, I will not let my mind resort back to the old ways of thinking, its amazing how quick it can happen, if you let it, well its late and I want to get up early enough to write at five, so until then, James

day 66

Day 66 Donny, I have learned something new on this computer just for you, well that's not true, I was having trouble reading it to, anyway I think I would like to remind all of you and myself about where all this started and really look at the difference from my life today and where it was sixty five days ago, I want people to see that there is hope for all, it seems like I have spent my life below average, looked down upon, how I got to that point is irrelevant, the important thing is to focus on how I was able to break away from that old life and begin a new one, there was only one way for me, and it took someone else getting evolved, my daughter, without someone in my life that cared about me I wouldn't of lasted one week, without her there I never would've gotten started. I was broken down and alone with any hope of life so far in the distance I could've never reached it alone. I don't believe the addicts in your life can reach it either without the help from somebody in there lives reaching out to let them know their lives matter. It seems ive never felt important or that I belonged anywhere for as long as I remember, when I was four my parents were divorced and lived two thousand miles apart, I remember going back and forth at the age of six or seven and feeling like they didn't love me and were just trying to pawn me off on the other, by the age of twelve or thirteen I was in foster homes so there never really was any type of family bonds formed. Ive got two sisters and two brothers, a mother and father still alive but don't have a relationship with any of them, my mother and I talk about once every six months or so and I stayed with a couple of my aunts and grandparents briefly growing up but for what ever reason it never worked out for very long, when you are a child its hard to understand why your family doesn't do everything they can to keep you around , I still don't understand. What I do understand is that my daughters love has not only put me on the right path, it has taught me a lot about patients and compation, it has also shown me what it takes to get where I am today. If you have somebody in your life that you love and care about, do not sit back and wait for them to fix themselves, they need hope, and that comes from the people that care about them, feed there souls with love, plant the seeds in there minds that you do care about there lives, and they will start to care about there lives. James

day65

day65

Day 65 I definitely feel a calmness today, like the world has slowed down a bit, ive just about kicked what ever I had out of my system, I believe I will be as good as new tomorrow. John actually had to wake me up this morning, at six forty five I was still sleeping, and sleeping good, if he hadn't woke me up I would have had two guys standing around waiting on me, that wouldn't have been good but I got up, no harm no foul. As for this calmness, I believe it comes from a couple of things, talking about my concerns yesterday instead of keeping them in and spending time wandering when its not even necessary, communication is a beautiful thing. There's another reason I feel so content, the realization of all the wonderful friendships that I have throughout this nation, and I am in very good company here in Okmulgee as well. I find myself wondering, with so many people that take the time out of there busy lives and spend it with me, where does this loneliness come from, as I sit here and think about it, im starting to believe it comes from fear, fear that im not good enough to be with anyone, fear that im not important to anyone, if I were to die tomorrow, who would show up at my funeral. I am living a new life now and new things take adjusting to, so these fears come from my old life style and it will take a lot of time to rid my mind of the past and how I used to feel about myself. I am slowly doing it with the help of all of my friends, people who do care about me, and what happens to me, without the love that has been shared with me by others through this journey of mine this would have most certainly been a very short trip. There is no way I believe a person can go through the transformation that I have without the love of others, I cannot imagines it to be possible. I am truly beginning to believe that people do love and care about me, I feel a trust in the world starting to grow in me. this morning I realized I do have love in my life, it didn't hit me like a brick, more like a big fat juicy steak dinner that you savoir, it came on slow and just kept filling me more and more until all I wanted to do was sit back and enjoy every thing about these most peaceful feelings, everything seems warm and slow, unexplainable. LOVE, I am learning can be a very joyous thing, it is very new to me so I walk through these feelings with caution but for some reason I feel no need for caution with this friend I speak of, I have no doubts or fears about this friendship, only hopes of giving as much as im getting, ive come to the realization that im not alone in this world, there is no hole that needs to be filled anymore, It seems I owe my life to all that have helped guide me down the right path with their love and if its possible I owe even more to that friend that has truly shown me what love feels like, all I can say is wow, James

day64

Day64i feel terrible, I don't know where this sickness came from, I just woke up with it yesterday and it seems to be worse today, only two days till Saturday, if it doesn't go away I will rest this weekend. I've got plenty to do and really don't have time to lay in bed all day, besides this job carries the responsibility of two other people, it is my job to not only work myself, but also make sure my other two guys are getting things done. I very much like these responsibilities and have no intentions of letting anyone down. John bought two more houses the other day and we've just about got one of them ready to rent, so that is my goal today, to finish the house and get more money coming in. tomorrow I will be back at the black apts working, ive got my new camera and im still trying to figure it out, but I should have it down by tomorrow.

It seems every job can have its ups and downs and im learning that if you want to move forward in life you need to find a positive side to the downs. When I first came out here and started this job it was john senior and me and two other guys that were here before I got here, john senior hasn't really seen me since his son and I were kids and me and his son did nothing but get in trouble together, so the only good he knew of me was what his son had told him, I believe he took a big chance bringing me out to work. We got along better than I ever thought we would and in no time he was handing a lot of the decision making over to me, I found myself in a very good place with a lot of responsibility, it seems the more responsibility john puts on me the more I want to do a better job for him. This is the important part that goes on in the work place across America everyday that I must learn from and see the positive side of it if I am to grow into the person I want to be. I thought I had everything rolling along pretty good and had a game plan of how I was going to do things, one thing I didn't plan on was john jr seeing things different, its like I jumped in the drivers seat and took off, but it wasn't my car. I must realize im here working for john senior, its his job not mine, he brought his son in to make sure things were going the way they needed to go, to me it felt like a demotion even though its not, I have to remember im here to work for them, if I have an opinion I should voice it but ultimately I am here to carry out their needs, that's what working for someone else is, right. I am very happy with my job and will continue to do the best job I know how, it just seems there's been so many changes so quick its hard to find exactly where I stand, but I can say this, I know im standing on solid ground due to my work ethics and experience. I also know that I will be loyal to the Hartman family as they have put me in a situation to succeed, and at this point in my life I know they have been good friends to me James.

day63

,Day 63 once again today I will strive to be better than I was yesterday, in all that I do. What a difference it makes in my life when I take the time to think about decisions and consequences, I see there is much much more to life than what you own, there is who you are, and that comes first. You can have all the toys in the world but will you enjoy playing with them if you are unhappy with yourself? I realize I have gained much more than a job and a place to live, I have gained trust and respect, admiration it seems these things are what's important to me, I truly believe that I can make a difference in this town, change lives for the better. I will continue to set high standards for myself in order to set an example for others, I will become a pillar in this community that people can lean on and look to for direction, that is how I will live, this is who I want to be, well tonight is short, im not feeling well at all and must lay down,,,James