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Page 118, well I don't even know where to start, I feel more lost than ever, I am realizing that my goals in life are not really my goals at all, but just some way of gaining recognition from my peers, im so busy trying to impress others with what I have accomplished, I guess as a way to fit in or be recognized I forget to follow what is in my heart, what I believe to be right. I do know that every time I feel like im getting ahead in life, good job, nice things, it seems the better I do the worse I feel, so I am going to no longer concentrate on those things, and comments or what people think, or there opinions, well I think im over it, I no longer care, well its not that I don't care, I m just tired of following everyone else, it hasn't brought any joy to my life in the last forty years, why would it now, I am not happy with the everyday mundane way of life, the way I see it, today's society is really nothing but a big lie, there are very few morals or values in most peoples daily schedules and the majority of society is just chugging along like robots to what they think is expected of them. I know now that I will never find any happiness in this type of conformity, yes it may sound crazy, but guess what, I don't care, I seem to find much more happiness in the smiles of other people and the joy in there eyes than trying to fill my own materialistic greed. I feel like I have hit a real turning point in my life, one step closer to survival without self destruction, that is very comforting to me. Who is to say what is right or wrong, I believe it is within all of us, we all know what is right but it seems we are so quick to compromise what is right to survive, time after time after time, we lose sight, I don't care if I have to try one hundred different ways to live right, that's what I will do, I am still only in my first year of trying to live right out of forty years, I know it will take some time to get it right, but I wont give up, I will be taking a new direction, self satisfaction is out the window, I realize all the money in the world will not give me what I want, it will only take from me, that may be hard for any of you to understand but that is what I know in my heart. My joy comes from the happiness of others, this is what makes me want to wake up tomorrow, to know that I have brought some type of clarity, hope or happiness to another, whatever it may be, that is what I want to live for, broke or not, that is where I am today. James

Ps,I wish I was just able to not give a fuck about the world around me but that is just not the case, I hate to say it but at times I am filled with anger for caring because it would be so so much easier if I didn't, but it is what it is

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Well its been awhile, ive debated on what I should say next, to defend myself or not, im not to happy on how I handled the last situation I was in, but im even more unhappy on how john jr handled it. I was told when I took that job, fifteen dollars an hour and all expences paid,that is the only reason I moved away from my children and gave up the truck I was buying, which I lost eight hundred dollars giving it back. I went to work for john sr and everything was fine for a couple of months, then on November 15, out of nowhere I was told to fire 5 workers and I was not being paid by the hour anymore, I had three days pay coming to me, to last two weeks, at this point I have already established myself here, ive spent thousands of dollars on things and could not argue the wage cut because I was stuck, at his mercy, no way to leave. I had planned on bringing my daughter out for thanksgiving but could no longer afford it, that was a very big let down for me, but I continued to try to see the good things in my future. I made it till dec 1^st on the 300 dollars I had to last me two weeks but I was very discouraged about my future here, but I kept working hard and trying to do my best for john sr. December got even worse for me, I was still working 50 and 60 hour weeks for a salary of 1600 a month, that's less than I was making at home, while I was around my family, this was very frustrating to me, what was I doing, but I felt trapped, like there was nothing I could do about it. Well like I said, December got worse, expences were about five hundred every two weeks and john gave me expence money on dec 3^rd, 5oo dollars, but on the 13^th when he went back to California I told him I only had a little left, he said we would take care of it later, as the days passed, and I had a deposit to make, I told him I had no more moey for expences, he told me we would work it out and to make the deposit, so I did, that was around the 28^th, so I had to spend what little money I had to take care of his expenses, meanwhile the water got shut off at my house which he told me he paid, needless to say I was very frustrated with the hole situation, to top it off, come pay day there was no check, as a matter of fact there was no check till the 8^th because I guess john forgot to pay me, ive worked very hard for this man, and accomplished more in the 4 months I was there than john jr could in a year, as a matter of fact, he comes out and lays around in bed all week moaning about his back and charges his dad a thousand dollars and calls me the thief. Their was not one tool stolen, that is a flat out lie from johns mouth, I know that I did not handle the situation right but I also know that I did a very good job while I was there, john you wrote a lot of things about me that weren't true, for my children to read, believe me I would like to do the same to you and your trips to ok, but I wont, ill leave everyone guessing, lets see how trustworthy you are. And if anyone is wondering, yes, I did start doing drugs again, for about two weeks, but ive been clean sence ive left okmulgee on the 8^th of jan, and as for me being a thief, ask john about the deposit of over two thousand dollars I made on the sixth, two days before I left, james