day110, age 5

Day110, age five, I have to say I don't remember much from this period in my life, but there are three more things that I do remember, one of them is being slapped by a stranger after school, an adult, I don't remember what I did wrong but I do remember being slapped so hard across my face, and my mother screaming and yelling at this guy, I was actually scared for that guy, my mother was very angry. I also remember killing a pigeon, I didn't kill him on purpose, and I felt awful when I found him dead, we had an alley behind our house and there was ivy growing up the fence, there was a hole in the fence, a small one and I guess the bird made a nest in it, I saw the bird fly into the hole one day and used a piece of cardboard to trap the bird in there, I remember being very excited cause I caught a bird, I ran around and told everyone I knew but in a day or two I lost interest and forgot about him, when I checked on him a few days later he was dead, I felt really really bad and I took him out of that hole and hid him, I was so worried that someone would find out I killed him, I didn't do it on purpose but I felt super guilty, no one ever asked me about it though. I also remember the girl that lived downstairs, we used to hide in the closet and do things kids aren't supposed to do, look at each other naked, that kind of stuff. There's one more thing I remember, sitting at the kitchen table, my mother was dating, and I said something I guess I shouldn't of said, she slapped me, I don't remember why, or even who I was talking to, I just remember not knowing why, and feeling humiliated, I believe I might have been six by this time and I was shipped off to Tennessee to stay with my father. More about Tennessee tomorrow, James

day109

Day109 its Saturday morning, about five thirty, went to bed about twelve and been up since four, I wrote a blog last night but lost it while posting, I guess it wasn't supposed to be there, my mind is really wandering, Kimberly moved out last night, im happy and sad, work is wonderful, I have a nice place to live and its going to be even nicer when I move out to the ranch, and im starting to have a lot of nice things but there's still an emptiness, I wanted to be with someone so badly and im sad it didn't work for kimberly and I but I also realize im not ready to make the sacrifices in my life to make her happy, so staying with her is only going to make me unhappy, I do feel a definite maturity coming to me that ive never known before, I and I like it very much but there is still a feeling of unhappiness or loneliness, I wouldn't call it depression, just kinda the feeling of being lost or unsure. There is definitely something missing in my life, but I will not try to mask these feelings, I will continue to search for what is missing, and live the best I can during the search, James

day108

Day108 well today was a true test for me, you see I have been feeling more and more lost over the last month, not as inspired as I usually am, and very emotionally confused, I am at a very new place in my life and as I learn how to live and take care of myself I also need to learn how to deal with my emotions, drugs and alcohol used to be my escape and after four months of doing so well I finally found an excuse to drink, I drank a twelve pack last night, I would like to blame it on my emotions but I believe that would be a lie, I used to love drinking and thought my real problem was crack, I don't know why but ive been missing drinking for a while, so I thought, I believe that twelve pack did me good, I don't know why I needed to be reminded that I don't want to drink but I did, I don't know how I drank every day before, this morning my body let me know how much It doesn't like alcohol, I had a terrible headache and felt very sick to my stomach most of the morning, and I didn't even enjoy the drunk. As a lot of people may view this as a failure, I will not, I have learned some valuable lessons and I am happy to say I don't enjoy drinking, not one bit, I could've easily jumped on a drunk train and rode this out for all its worth, blaming my emotions, the guilt of letting myself and others down, but to be honest with you, I don't really feel guilty, and as my head pounded this morning and I felt like I was going to be sick, I couldn't help but smile because I realized I am even stronger today than yesterday, and I am actually thankful that for only fourteen dollars and feeling sick for a while inspiration has returned to my life, hope once again roams in my mind, the number of days really don't matter to me anymore, the positive growth and maturity does, I was forewarned about getting into a relationship to soon and I thought I new what was best for me, I was very wrong, I still don't know exactly what I want, but I know now what I don't want, and that is to go backwards, I need not be in a hurry to have everything, and I must remind myself how very far I have come in such a short time, im already way ahead of my game, and as for drinking, I just don't like it anymore, what I do like is the life I am gaining, and the love and respect that I feel from those who care about me, James

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day107

Day 107 Mondays always seem to stress me out, I try not to let them but they do, I think because I have all weekend to think about what I need to do so Monday morning the list seems very long, there's so many places to start, things to get done, its hard to pick where to start, sometimes with so much going on it feels like nothing is getting done, and that really stresses me out, I have to watch myself so I don't get short with the people that I work with, we have three houses in progress right now and maneuvering the guys around and trying to keep everybody busy and doing the particular jobs each individual is good at can be a chore but I find it to be very enjoyable, I believe I am getting better and better at my job, I am learning a lot and even if it feels like things are going slow I know there not, its just self doubt trying to creep back into my life, four months seems like a life time to me and my old life style could easily be forgotten, and if that happens I could easily slip back into it, I could lose sight of the little mistakes and changes that lead to big mistakes and changes, I must check myself, four months is only the beginning for me, these changes I have made in my life are not set in stone yet and if im not paying attention I could easily slip, so attention I will pay, I haven't been writing everyday and I feel this is a mistake, or at least it could turn into a mistake, I guess I took on a little to much in my life, I will not do that again until I am ready, work and staying clean is more than enough for me to deal with at this point in my life, well that is it for tonight, and since I realize I need to be doing this every night, I will say it again, if you don't hear from me tomorrow, im an idiot, James

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day106

Day 106, I believe I will skip on the past for a day, I have some things I need to talk about that pertain to me continuing on this path to freedom from my old way of living, I am feeling the pressures of life bearing down on me and im trying way to hard to stay ahead of them, over the last month I have learned some very important lessons, I was warned by several people not to get into a relationship to soon but I thought I was totally in control of my life and I could take anything on, man was I wrong, im finding that I have absolutely no idea how to share myself and my life with anyone, I thought I was so ready to share my life with someone but now im finding the sacrifices I have to make are putting me right back where I was last year, and im not willing to go back to that unhappiness I lived in for so long, I feel like im being selfish, but I also believe the toughest decisions are always the most important, I am at a time in my life where it is very important that I be selfish and think of myself, or I could end up flat on my face, moving forward in my life is what is important to me so it is me I must think about, I have gotten a lot of good advice and ive also made a lot of good decisions and I look forward to keeping both of these things coming in my life. I love my job and all the responsibility it carries, its a lot to think about and I believe I was made for this job, and I realize that the only things I want in my life this early on is the responsibility of my job and spending every day walking through my life learning how to be a better person, working everyday on comunication skills, work ethics, and just being an all around good roll model for others to look up to, as time goes by I will continue to focus on the positives life has to offer, even in the hardest of times, that is truly what defines who we are, James

day 105 four years old

Day 105, back to rancho penosquitos, I do have some other memories from there, and one of them was a lot of fun, I don't remember who I was with but there was a bake sale at the school, I remember having a lot of fun there, I think I won a cake, they played one of those games with more people than chairs, where u walk around in a circle and everyone sits when the music stops, and they keep eliminating chairs till theirs only one person left, for some reason I think I remember winning a cake, I was very very happy about that. The last memory I have of that place wasn't a very good one, and I have to say this before I get into it, as a child there is no way I could possibly understand how hard it must have been for a single parent to try to raise two children, and as I look back now I can see how it all could be so overwhelming, but as a child I remember my mother always being gone, I had no concept of her being gone to work and support us, I just knew she wasn't there, and I remember one night she told my sister and I to do the dishes and she had to leave, I remember being very upset and telling my sister my mom didn't love us and only wanted us around to do her house work, that is how I felt, I don't know how a four year old could know these feelings but I did, I remember feeling like my parents didn't want me around, well when I said that to my sister my mother overheard me and got very upset with me, I remember her yelling at me and I was so very upset and scared, I believe this was a defining moment in my life, I thought I was older when this happened but I clearly remember the kitchen I was standing in, this is the last memory I have from age four.

The pink apartments, I have a lot of good memories fro this place, I believe I was five here because I remember having to take naps at school, the pink apartments were located in south park san diego, I don't know how long I lived here, but I do know I worked while I lived here, one of the biggest things I remember about living here is I always had money, u see at age five I used to go door to door asking people if I could wash there cars so I could make money, I remember having several of the same people every week that I would go to, I was very free as a child and pretty much did what ever I wanted, even at five, I spoke with my sister last night and she told me I also had a briefcase that I would put stuff in and try selling it door to door, I was a pretty outgoing child, I believe this is where I will stop for the night, this story will continue tomorrow, James

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day 104, four years old

First of all, I would like to thank my mother for getting some things straight from yesterday, comment 4 on day 103, now back to the story, it seems I was very accident prone when I lived in rancho penasquitos, I remember two injuries for sure but I think there was three, I remember someone gave me a bike, it was either my uncle Joe, which I think lived at the same apartments as us or my dad, for some reason I think he came to see us, I don't remember seeing him but I think that's where I got my bike from, anyway, someone was trying to teach me to ride it and I remember running into the curb, I was only four and I think it was a twenty inch bike, a little big for me. I ended up biting a hole through my tongue, they had to stitch the hole closed and I had to drink soup through a straw for what seemed like weeks, it didn't bother me much though because I liked soup a lot. Then there was our baby sitter, I remember she used to always ask if we had our fingers out of the car door before she closed it, and I always said yes, well one of the times I didn't, it messed my finger up so bad I had a cast all the way up my arm, my finger nail is still messed up to this day, another injury that happened which im not sure when but I think it was around this time was more stitches, it's the first memory I have of my sister, I set a board across a rock, like a see saw, and my sister put a rock on one side and told me to jump on the other, kids being kids, the end result was a rock splitting my chin open, back to the hospital for more stitches, I believe all of this happened in the same year but im not sure, another memory I have is stealing ten dollars out of my mothers purse and spending all of it on the ice cream man, I don't remember how she caught me, but I do remember lying to her when she asked me about it. I remember a lot more than what I thought, but im not going to get to it all tonight, but there is something I want gone from my life, something that someone did to an innocent child, a child that wanted nothing more than to make others happy, a child that would do anything to make friends, there was a man in a wheel chair that lived below us and he would ask me in his apartment all the time, I remember him getting me to give him oral sex, ive only told one person and that was very recent, I don't understand why I feel guilty or embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated, like I did something wrong, and the feeling of how people will look at me and what there thinking, but the point is I know im not the only one, and others are carrying things like this around with them to, things like this shouldn't be swept under the carpet, they should be dealt with, our society somehow has got it turned around, the innocent parties feel guilty and the guilty parties don't seem to care, well I care, and im ready to rid myself of the guilt and humiliation that this memory has kept inside my mind for so long, I hope my story will help others ease their minds of past memories, and if anyone reading this can set some of the facts straight I would really appreciate it, this story will continue tomorrow, James

day103

Day103 today I will begin the journey that has brought me to this day, I was born at memorial hospital in Chattanooga Tennessee, I lived in a little town called Flintstone Georgia, I don't remember much about my short stay their, I do remember I loved batman, we had a split foyer house and I used to run down the hall and jump down the stairs yelling batman, I also remember having an evil knievil motorcycle that you set on the little stand and wound up, I used to jump him off the stairs as well, I remember a steep driveway and a lot of cars in the driveway and a boat, but I don't remember ever going out in it, I remember trying to go to my grannies and a stranger, neighbor took me to his house for what seemed like hours until my parents were driving up and down the street yelling my name, I recall trying to hide from them but the man yelled at them and they came and got me, I don't have any memories of my parents at all during this time, not talking to them or sitting on there laps or even what they looked like, just a few memories of playing, I do remember being woke up and everything in the house was broken, there was a lot of yelling and screaming but I don't remember ever seeing anyone fighting, I have absolutely no memories of my older sister during this time at all, and I know we moved to California before I was five cause I wasn't in school yet, ive heard stories that we ran out of gas half way to California and my grandparents had to send my mom money but I don't know if that's true, I don't even remember where I herd that, but I know we moved to point loma ca by my grand parents, it was my sister and mother and me, if I recall correctly we used to walk on the beach to go to my grand parents, they lived in a yacht club, on a sail boat, but we didn't live there long, from there we moved to Penasquitos ca, I believe I was still about four years old, a lot happened to me here so this is where I will stop for the night, I hope this story doesn't bore you, until tomorrow, James

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day102

Day102 i believe that everything does happen for a reason, these last few weeks have been very confusing for me, I thought I was so ready for a commitment, ready to get on with the next step of my life, but I am starting to believe I was just afraid of being alone, trying to fix my insecurities by clinging on to the first person that showed any interest in me, I guess I didn't believe in myself as much as I thought I did. I have been in relationships non stop since I was eighteen, and on drugs since I was twelve or thirteen, I realize there is no way I know who I am and three months definitely isn't enough time to figure out exactly where I stand in life, to drag somebody else into my life when I don't even know where its going would just be selfish and foolish on my part. But I do believe that I met Kimberly for a reason, she has about the same amount of clean time and her own issues to deal with, today she started her own blog, and I was very impressed, you see I believe without my blog and getting honest with myself I wouldn't of made the changes that were necessary in order for me to be where I am today, I believe without this blog, if I was even still clean my life would be an everyday struggle to stay clean, and I would not be able to carry anywhere near the responsibilities that I do today. I am very much looking forward to watching my new friend Kimberly sift through her feelings and find the solutions she needs to make a better and happier life for herself, it always warms my heart to see people bring joy to themselves. Life seems to be such a struggle for a lot of people and happiness will never be found for those who never look, kimberly made her first post today and I believe she is a much better writer than me, so if you enjoy reading, her sight is butterflyunraveling.blogspot.com if you find the time, check it out. Until tomorrow, James

　v

day101

Day 101 lately I felt a loss for words, I know I am over the drug addiction, and alcohol, I am no longer blinded by them, its like I have risen above them and can finally see past the damage they have caused in my life, and will cause if I ever use them again, but I am realizing that is only the beginning of my growth, I have struggled quite abit with emotions and choices and making the right decisions for me to continue on this path. I am realizing I still have so much to learn, I feel there is not much difference between making important decisions and being cruel, but I know that I am not a cruel person, its just not in me, so maybe that's where a lot of my unhappiness has come from, worrying so much about hurting others and not worrying about my own happiness, I see this as a road to destruction, my destruction, I will continue to try to do what I can for others but I think I need to not make so many compromises to my own personal happiness from fear of hurting other peoples feelings, I have gotten a lot of good advice from all who read, but just like a child I have to stick my hand in the fire to see how hot it is, and as usual, fire is hot. I am very happy about where I am emotionally and how I am handling myself in unfamiliar situations but I must remember I already have a bunch of responsibilities and I have gained them in a very short time, I believe my job could be very overwhelming even for a lot of people who are not as far behind as I was in my life, but I love my job and find it to be very challenging and that makes it fun for me, I look forward to holding much more responsible positions in my future but I know I have a lot to learn about myself before I take on much more, quitting drugs and alcohol is just the beginning of rewriting my life, and deciding who I want to be, I going to start writing about my childhood and hope that anyone reading that knows me will offer bits and pieces as the story goes along because it is all very vague to me, and it is not to place blame on anybody, it is because I have lived a very adventurous life from a very young age and I believe it is a story that should be told. It will be a rollercoaster of emotion that will open peoples eyes and allow them to feel, highs and lows, and hopefully bring a new appreciation to the life around us all thanks to all for taking the time to read, James

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day100

Day100 its been a really good day, I believe not making decisions when you don't know what to do has worked out for me, this is a valuable lesson for me, things have just seemed to work themselves out for the best, and I didn't have to make any hasty decisions, I believe from now on if I am undecided about something I will not let myself be rushed into making any decisions until I am good and ready to, I will make sure I have weighed all the options and looked at all the angles and thought about how my decisions will effect all parties involved, that way I can feel good about who I am and what I stand for in this world, I love who I am, and what I stand for, and I will continue to find ways to be a better person, to set an example on how others should treat the people that are in and around their lives, I will not let my past stray far from my mind in order to keep these positive changes in my life growing bigger and bigger.

I believe over the next few days im going to think start thinking about my life and how it got to this point, the parenting that I had, or lack of, I have a lot of dark buried secrets that I am ready to be rid of, Im just not sure if im ready to relive them, I will think about a life story, a public life story, I believe this is the next step to my growth, James

day 99

Day99 it's a rough day for me, everything seems to going well but underneath it all I am an emotional wreck, im not sure how to handle any situation it seems, I want to be caring, but how much do I sacrifice, I want to be stern but where is the line where I am just being cold, it seems I must go deeper into work to keep my mind focused on something I know how to deal with, things I know how to fix, or my head just might explode, im I the only one who doubts my emotional judgment, or is this common in us all, I don't want to make foolish decisions that I will regret for a lifetime but decisions need to be made, life is very confusing and a lot harder than I thought, James

day98

Day 98 its actually day one hundred and two, it seems over the last couple of weeks I have missed four days, my life seems to be going very well, good job, nice place to live, but I feel like I'm still missing something, like there's more I should be doing, there's got to be more than just going to work and watching movies at night and then doing it all over again, im feeling a bit bored with life and need more, I need to do more, to achieve more, I feel like I am lost and cant find a starting point to get something going, I don't even know what I want to get going, but I know I m starting to feel lost for direction. My life is so much different than it was three months ago, and I love where I am, but I just know there are big things out there waiting to be done by me. I don't know what they are, but I know they are there.

Its Sunday afternoon and im going to a friends house for dinner, it seems im making a lot of new friends out here, its nice to meet new people that didn't know me the way I used to be, its hard to explain, but I like it. I believe I will talk more about this tomorrow, until then, James

day97

Day97 I believe over the last two weeks I have learned a lot about myself, it seems im still a child when it comes to relationships and me being able to share my life with others, I feel I have a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn before I am able to have that healthy relationship that I picture in my mind, I felt like I was so ready but now I realize over the last twenty eight years of being high and drunk my mind is still like that twelve year old that needs to develop, I have a long way to go before I am able to offer myself to anyone, and a lot to learn. Ive spent almost all my life in relationships and I have no idea how to take care of myself, as I am new to this life of making good decisions, I feel it is important and fair not only to myself, but to anyone that I am making commitments to that I take the time to get to know myself, and really learn more about where my life is headed, and who I am, I feel like ive been clean for ever and I can take on the world but I am realizing I am very new and have a lot of maturing to do, I think the important thing for me to learn here is that I still have a lot to learn and I need to slow down and learn it.

As for my meeting last night, I met the fire marshal and fire chief but that station is to far from where I live, but they pointed me in the right direction and I do not plan on quitting, I will go to the shulter fire station today and see about volunteering their, I am very much looking forward to being more and doing more than I am now, I intend to offer all that I can to this wonderful life, whether it be mine or yours or even someone ive never met, James

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day96

Day96 well it seems ive missed another day, I have been taking on a lot lately and im finding it hard to manage my time, but I am enjoying all the extra stuff im doing, I still haven't got that daily schedule thing down yet and probably wont for a while as new things just keep happening everyday, my meeting last night got cancelled till Thursday, this is something I have gotten used to, it seems like every time I try new things something will try to stop it, but little does life know that only makes me want to do it that much more, I intend on winning in life no matter what new accomplishments im going after, there will be no walls to discourage me, I will go through them with a smile, the more life tries to step on me, the more I will look forward to finding a way through its obstacles, even though doing what's right is hard at times, I will find a way to do just that. I am growing more every day and I am starting to build an inner strength that cannot be broken, it comes from living my life by a higher standard than what society sees to be okay, a moral obligation to life itself, im not exactly sure what that means but that's what my mind is telling me to write. It is hard to explain or describe how I feel at times because these feelings and things I am going through are all so new to me, especially this feeling of the need to succeed, I no longer need excuses to quit or allow myself to fail, im just not going to, I don't know where this came from but god it feels good, you cannot succeed if you do not try and if you live in fear of failure your already failing, I wont go back to that life, I WILL WIN, James

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day 95

Day95 I feel like I learn more and more everyday about life and how to make mine better, it seems back when I was on drugs I had absolutely no control of my emotions or decisions, as a matter of fact I would let my emotions or situations control my decisions therefore that is what controlled my life, not me or what I wanted, there was not very many rational decisions made by me back in those days, and it showed by how low and miserable I was living towards the end of my drug use. I have learned in the past ninety days not to let emotions make your decisions, the less control you have over your life the less happiness you will be able to grasp. Choices have been popping up in front of me all my life and ive spent the majority of it choosing the easiest or the fastest, not really caring about the long term effect, but I believe as my mind clears and I find more and more happiness in my life, fast and easy just doesn't seem to be the right choice anymore, it seems as I gain more control over my emotions I gain more control over my life, with this control I am able to point my life in any direction I choose and accomplish whatever goal I choose to take on in my life. It seems when I was on drugs and alcohol I was like a seven year old when it came time to deal with emotions, absolutely no control over them at all, therefore no control over my life, as I look back and see how powerful the drugs were and how weak and immature they made me, and feel the strength and control my mind now has that they are gone, I am in aw at the stupidity that was my life for so long. Please take the time to leave a comment as I really learn a lot from other peoples perspectives, James

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Day95 I feel like I learn more and more everyday about life and how to make mine better, it seems back when I was on drugs I had absolutely no control of my emotions or decisions, as a matter of fact I would let my emotions or situations control my decisions therefore that is what controlled my life, not me or what I wanted, there was not very many rational decisions made by me back in those days, and it showed by how low and miserable I was living towards the end of my drug use. I have learned in the past ninety days not to let emotions make your decisions, the less control you have over your life the less happiness you will be able to grasp. Choices have been popping up in front of me all my life and ive spent the majority of it choosing the easiest or the fastest, not really caring about the long term effect, but I believe as my mind clears and I find more and more happiness in my life, fast and easy just doesn't seem to be the right choice anymore, it seems as I gain more control over my emotions I gain more control over my life, with this control I am able to point my life in any direction I choose and accomplish whatever goal I choose to take on in my life. It seems when I was on drugs and alcohol I was like a seven year old when it came time to deal with emotions, absolutely no control over them at all, therefore no control over my life, as I look back and see how powerful the drugs were and how weak and immature they made me, and feel the strength and control my mind now has that they are gone, I am in aw at the stupidity that was my life for so long. Please take the time to leave a comment as I really learn a lot from other peoples perspectives, James

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day94

Day 94 it seems I have missed two days in the last four, but not to worry, it has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, it has to do with life, you see I have gotten to this point in my life by talking about my everyday life with all of you everyday, and that has helped me to make the right decisions in my life, and I love how far I have come and all the extra responsibilities that have been placed on me because of my recent decision making and the way I now chose to live my life, but I am now faced with new decisions, ones that I am not used to making, and they don't only concern me so I feel they must remain private, that makes it very difficult for me as I am used to talking and getting opinions to make rational decisions, I did not realize how much I depended on my comments until now, I feel there is absolutely no threat of drugs and alcohol in my life anymore, it is the everyday normal life decisions that im not used to making that I need to learn more about, I absolutely love my life and how well it is going and want to make the right choices to keep going in the same direction, I refuse to go backwards, back to that unhappiness that kept me high for so many years, I will continue to find ways to grow and be even better than I am now.

On a different note, I have made friends with a volunteer fireman and will be going to a council meeting with him Tuesday night, I am very interested in becoming a volunteer fireman and I will see if this is going to be possible this week, he said it's a few classes that are online and some training that they will give me, no cost to me, I believe this is one more step in the right direction for me, and I hope that I can do some good, crack head to fireman, who knew, James

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day93

Day93well it seems I have a lot to learn about being in a relationship, ive never been in a healthy relationship before, in the past I lived in a relationship, if that's what its called, that definitely wasn't based on what I now believe to be love, it seemed to be a lot of hate and anger, vicious words that were only meant for hurt, I don't remember any happy times in the last eighteen years of my life, instead I have spent those years learning how to defend myself from attack and cover up the lies that I told, I believe living in this unhappiness had everything to do with me staying so high and drunk for all those years, but I was so afraid of leaving because believe it or not I thought that person I was with actually cared about me, I now see the difference, and I will never let anyone control my decision making again, my decisions will be based on what I think is right, not how it will effect others, there can be no compromise or I will end up right back where I was, feeling lower than others around me, I am proud of who I am today and not willing to sacrifice my self esteem to appease others, it seems I am still very fragile and can be easily broken if I don't pay close attention to everything that is going on in my life at every moment, I do believe it is when you think everything is perfect, that is when you trip, I intend to pay very close attention to every step I take and not take this wonderful life that I have at this moment for granted, it seems that decisions will only get harder and be more important as my life improves and I know I must not slack on what needs to be done in order for my life to improve, I ill not get side tracked or forget what got me this far, making the hard decisions and sticking to them, I love all my new friends and this life I now live, James