page 13

Page 13 as james sat and thought about that moment, about how let down he felt, his dreams and visions of his future and how it was going to be, completely crushed, his memory seemed to go blank, he tried as hard as he could to remember his past but it was just gone, only little bits and pieces came to him, like getting in trouble on his birthday and being sent to his room in the middle of his party, he couldn't remember why, what did he do wrong, he couldn't even remember what birthday it was, but he did remember thinking about tying sheets together and climbing out his bedroom window which was on the second floor, he remembers thoughts of running away, feelings of humiliation and embarrassment running through his mind, kids he barely new watched his father yell at him and punish him, he couldn't have been more than seven, but he new he didn't want to be there, and his father and step mother didn't want him there either, he sat next to the creek and felt his anger growing, thinking about his youth, it seemed like such a blur, just bits and pieces seem to come to mind, and none of them seemed to be good, like the time he was getting on the school bus and his knee caught a girls dress, the girl screamed at him, accusing james of pulling up her dress, james had no idea of what was going on or why he was getting yelled at, he barely knew any of these kids, all he was trying to do was draw as less attention to himself as possible, the bus driver snatched him up like he had just killed a dog or something, he tried to explain that he didn't do anything wrong, he was just walking by the girl and her dress must of caught on his knee, but the driver wasn't buying it, he continued to accuse james of malicious behavior, he was devastated, trying to argue his point got him nowhere, and he was not allowed to ride the bus for a week, his father was furious, grounding him and not even wanting to hear his side of what happened, he felt alone, if his own father wouldn't believe him, who would. He thinks about his childhood, his parents, and how they were not there for him, and his anger seems to grow, he tries to remember good times but there are none, only memories of being alone, he cant even remember leaving his fathers and going back to California, no memories of a plane trip or even his mother welcoming him home, nothing but bits and pieces of childhood, sparse memories that didn't seem that significant to him, weren't children supposed to have memories, there mother and father loving them and caring about them, teaching them the way of life, morals and values, right from wrong, how to love and how to be loved. He thinks about the next three or for years of his life, how he ached to be loved, he cried out for it, he screamed for it, but in his mind all he can remember was always being someones pain in the ass,

His parents always seem to be so preoccupied with life james just didn't seem to factor in, he felt that he just wasn't important in the sceme of things, both of his parents semm to have so much going on that he was always left on his own, left to find his own way, quickly learning how to deal with people and situations, how to push down emotions and hide how he felt,