page 19

Thoughts of god comes to his mind, how he had talked to him and thanked him on almost a daily basis, even though james didn't go to church he had always believed in god and new that he was being watched over, he new that something was responsible for keeping him alive through all that he had lived through in his life, there was something that pushed him to care, to believe in this self centered selfish fucked up world he lived in, he had made a lot of bad decisions in his time but he always carried the guilt and remorse that came with them, and it always fell back on drugs, getting high was far from recreational for james, it was a way out, an escape from his own mind that seemed to torment him, feelings of guilt for the wrongs that he had done always haunted him even though he had always tried to right his wrongs when his mind was clear enough to think straight, life just seemed to be to much for him to handle, he felt confused and felt he was weak compared to the people he always seemed to be surrounded by, he was always willing to give and that seemed to draw people to him that were willing to take, and take they did, he always seemed to have lots of friends, always needing him to help with something or fix something and james was always willing to help with the best of intentions but some how it seemed things always got turned around and there was always a finger pointing back at james as if he had done something wrong, he knew for a long time this was his weakness, letting people take from him, letting people use him, many times he thought of trying to be more like other people, more cold and calous towards other peoples feelings but this was not who james was, his heart wouldn't let him purposely take advantage of others, his mind wouldn't let him use people as they consistently used him, james often thought of some of his favorite artists that had overdosed on drugs, like Janis Joplin, jimi Hendrix, jim morrison, kurt cobain, and the lead singer of sublime, james thought of these people quite often and how different they were than most people and he felt that he was a lot like them, he knew none of them died while enjoying life, they died trying to kill there pain, they died trying to ease there mind of the hurt they felt and the pain they saw on a daily basis in this world, james spent a lot of time thinking of these people and the struggles they had lost and it had helped him live on in his own pains and struggles with life, he would often listen to all of these artists and find himself crying for them, believing he could feel there pain and knowing he was still living with the same struggles that had killed them, even though james was on drugs most of his life he was still alive so he had always believed he was winning.