Day108 well today was a true test for me, you see I have been feeling more and more lost over the last month, not as inspired as I usually am, and very emotionally confused, I am at a very new place in my life and as I learn how to live and take care of myself I also need to learn how to deal with my emotions, drugs and alcohol used to be my escape and after four months of doing so well I finally found an excuse to drink, I drank a twelve pack last night, I would like to blame it on my emotions but I believe that would be a lie, I used to love drinking and thought my real problem was crack, I don't know why but ive been missing drinking for a while, so I thought, I believe that twelve pack did me good, I don't know why I needed to be reminded that I don't want to drink but I did, I don't know how I drank every day before, this morning my body let me know how much It doesn't like alcohol, I had a terrible headache and felt very sick to my stomach most of the morning, and I didn't even enjoy the drunk. As a lot of people may view this as a failure, I will not, I have learned some valuable lessons and I am happy to say I don't enjoy drinking, not one bit, I could've easily jumped on a drunk train and rode this out for all its worth, blaming my emotions, the guilt of letting myself and others down, but to be honest with you, I don't really feel guilty, and as my head pounded this morning and I felt like I was going to be sick, I couldn't help but smile because I realized I am even stronger today than yesterday, and I am actually thankful that for only fourteen dollars and feeling sick for a while inspiration has returned to my life, hope once again roams in my mind, the number of days really don't matter to me anymore, the positive growth and maturity does, I was forewarned about getting into a relationship to soon and I thought I new what was best for me, I was very wrong, I still don't know exactly what I want, but I know now what I don't want, and that is to go backwards, I need not be in a hurry to have everything, and I must remind myself how very far I have come in such a short time, im already way ahead of my game, and as for drinking, I just don't like it anymore, what I do like is the life I am gaining, and the love and respect that I feel from those who care about me, James
Tweet me @jameshudnall
That is a slippery slope, and I notice that drinking the 12 pack came along right when you stopped posting daily...
ReplyDeleteI can't even drink two beers without feeling sick! Can't imagine a twelve pack! I hope you really did learn a lesson from this Jim, as if you start doing this when you're feeling down, you will gradually go back to where you were, and that would really be heartbreaking after how far you've come. Jimmy went to AA for over a year, then he started feeling lonely and depressed (his wife had returned to Germany after she divorced him.) So he decided to start drinking again, and that was the beginning of the end. Things went from bad to worse. I still think that if you started attending a nice, friendly church, you would find the emptiness replaced by something wonderful when you start hearing what God has to say through the sermons preached by the pastors. If you own a bible (or borrow one from the library,) read the Psalms, as they are so beautiful and full of promises for all of us. Or if you want to read some of life's lessons for all of us, read Proverbs. The bible is so full of wisdom and all throughout the bible (Old Testament and New Testament) God expresses his love for us. Matthew, Mark, Luke & John tell about Jesus' life & death. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so preachy, but I still think that letting God into your life will change your whole life and fill you with an inner joy that is hard to explain until you've experienced it. God Bless you, Jim!
ReplyDeleteMy dear Jimmy, we have talked in the past about everything happening for a reason and I truely believe this was one of those times. I myself don't really see this as a failure either and I can tell you don't too. Obviously we need to make mistakes to learn from them and it's clear this is one of those times. If you can truely look at it and say, "well, I know what I don't want to do!", then you have already learned!! Sometimes it's hard to look at you life and know exactly what you want out of it, I sure do...but I CAN tell you what I DON'T want and that's half the battle. I used to smoke pot, A LOT of pot, but it just wasn't that good for me...I would get paranoid, then lay on the couch, get bitchy and eat everything in sight...not fun! I used to do A LOT of meth, and sometimes I still think to myself, hey, I could really get a lot of housecleaning done if I went and found a line of crystal. But, I feel like shit the next day, or the day after, I look like shit...it's just not worth it!!! To fall down that hole again is just not worth it, not even a little bit! But you see that, I can tell, and that's soooo awesome.
ReplyDeleteWe all know that drugs and alcohol are not the problem, just some sort of temporary escape hatch for whatever is making us unhappy. You, Jimmy, are figuring that out more and more every day and I personally find it extremely comforting to see that little light bulb go off in your head. Yes, we all have shitty, aweful, traumatic stuff happen to us, some more than others, but if you can stand back and weight the issue in one hand and the drugs/drinking in the other, you see that the drinking and drugs will just prolong the pain. Dealing with the issue today and then moving past it makes more sense than putting it off another day but drinking your way through it. Rip the band-aide off, fast...yes, it's painful but then it starts to heal. Tearing the band-aide off sloooowwwwwllly is just making the pain last longer. But I can see you are figuring that out! Good luck my dear friend, call if you need to, love you much, Karin
I hope you don't mind, but I made a donation to a drug rehab charity in honor of your name and how you've inspired others.
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