Day 105, back to rancho penosquitos, I do have some other memories from there, and one of them was a lot of fun, I don't remember who I was with but there was a bake sale at the school, I remember having a lot of fun there, I think I won a cake, they played one of those games with more people than chairs, where u walk around in a circle and everyone sits when the music stops, and they keep eliminating chairs till theirs only one person left, for some reason I think I remember winning a cake, I was very very happy about that. The last memory I have of that place wasn't a very good one, and I have to say this before I get into it, as a child there is no way I could possibly understand how hard it must have been for a single parent to try to raise two children, and as I look back now I can see how it all could be so overwhelming, but as a child I remember my mother always being gone, I had no concept of her being gone to work and support us, I just knew she wasn't there, and I remember one night she told my sister and I to do the dishes and she had to leave, I remember being very upset and telling my sister my mom didn't love us and only wanted us around to do her house work, that is how I felt, I don't know how a four year old could know these feelings but I did, I remember feeling like my parents didn't want me around, well when I said that to my sister my mother overheard me and got very upset with me, I remember her yelling at me and I was so very upset and scared, I believe this was a defining moment in my life, I thought I was older when this happened but I clearly remember the kitchen I was standing in, this is the last memory I have from age four.
The pink apartments, I have a lot of good memories fro this place, I believe I was five here because I remember having to take naps at school, the pink apartments were located in south park san diego, I don't know how long I lived here, but I do know I worked while I lived here, one of the biggest things I remember about living here is I always had money, u see at age five I used to go door to door asking people if I could wash there cars so I could make money, I remember having several of the same people every week that I would go to, I was very free as a child and pretty much did what ever I wanted, even at five, I spoke with my sister last night and she told me I also had a briefcase that I would put stuff in and try selling it door to door, I was a pretty outgoing child, I believe this is where I will stop for the night, this story will continue tomorrow, James
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Wow! You were quite the little businessman, Jim! I assume your mom probably was working all those times when she was gone a lot. I've heard it's tough being a single mom - trying to work and still spend time with your children. (My mom had to go to work when she divorced my dad.) You've got a pretty good memory to go back that far in your life. I'm looking forward to reading tomorrow's blog. I find your stories very interesting!
ReplyDeleteYou one of the things that kills me every day, and I mean EVERY day is going to work and not being able to be one of those stay at home moms. You know the ones that help at the school, bake cookies all the time, are never mad or sad, house is always clean and the children are all so smart and well behaved???? Ok, Ok, so that's some stupid fantasy I have dreamt up in my head, but I do hate, more than anything, leaving my son to go to work everyday. I wish more tan anything that the focus of my life could be my child but this world has forced me to make my job the "person" I spend the most time with. Even though I am married now, I have been a single parent. Of course, I always got child support, but even then it was tough. I can only imagine the depression and helplessness a mother would feel to rely on only one income and have 2 children to look after. I do try and spend time with my son as much as I can get, but it just doesn't seem to be enough for me. I am desperately afraid that he will someday be a man and tell me I didn't try hard enough. Jimmy, I don't know your whole story but I can only say that even at some point, all mothers want to do what is absolutely best for their children even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. We all want to be the best parent, if even for a short time. I am sure your mother did the best she could with what she felt she had at the time. I hope that helps even a little? Love you, fellow parent, Karin
ReplyDeleteI tried to send Karin a long message on here awhile ago and when I signed in, it disappeared, unlike my usual comments. It is late here now, so I won't repeat all of it, but I just want to tell Karin that I think she's an amazing, wise person with a very caring & loving heart. So I'm sure that she's been a wonderful mom and that her son is going to turn out very well. I chose to stay at home even though we didn't have a lot of money or the latest car, but in spite of that, look what happened to my precious son. Being a stay at home mom isn't a guarantee that your children will turn out any better. I've worked with a lot of single moms whose children are doing very well. So Karin, please don't ever feel guilty about being a working mom. I love reading your comments to Jim. You are very wise and knowledgeable for your age and very good at expressing yourself. I'll bet your son is a very happy, self-confident boy with a mom like you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nancy, I appreciate it! I know I am doing the best I can and that's the most you can ask of anyone. You're right, there really is no magic recipe for having the perfect kids and being the perfect parent. I think in the end, if I know I tried as hard as I could, that will be the best I can ask for. It must have been, and still is, one of the worst things that you as a parent could endure. I know there are no words that could ever fill that void of losing a child. My heart goes out to you a million times over!
ReplyDeleteReading AND writing on Jimmy's blog helps me to sort things out in my own head too. I thelp me remember the beautiful things in life and try real hard to throw out the crap in my head. Jimmy, thank you for being there for me too:) Love ya, Karin