page3 118

Page 118, well I don't even know where to start, I feel more lost than ever, I am realizing that my goals in life are not really my goals at all, but just some way of gaining recognition from my peers, im so busy trying to impress others with what I have accomplished, I guess as a way to fit in or be recognized I forget to follow what is in my heart, what I believe to be right. I do know that every time I feel like im getting ahead in life, good job, nice things, it seems the better I do the worse I feel, so I am going to no longer concentrate on those things, and comments or what people think, or there opinions, well I think im over it, I no longer care, well its not that I don't care, I m just tired of following everyone else, it hasn't brought any joy to my life in the last forty years, why would it now, I am not happy with the everyday mundane way of life, the way I see it, today's society is really nothing but a big lie, there are very few morals or values in most peoples daily schedules and the majority of society is just chugging along like robots to what they think is expected of them. I know now that I will never find any happiness in this type of conformity, yes it may sound crazy, but guess what, I don't care, I seem to find much more happiness in the smiles of other people and the joy in there eyes than trying to fill my own materialistic greed. I feel like I have hit a real turning point in my life, one step closer to survival without self destruction, that is very comforting to me. Who is to say what is right or wrong, I believe it is within all of us, we all know what is right but it seems we are so quick to compromise what is right to survive, time after time after time, we lose sight, I don't care if I have to try one hundred different ways to live right, that's what I will do, I am still only in my first year of trying to live right out of forty years, I know it will take some time to get it right, but I wont give up, I will be taking a new direction, self satisfaction is out the window, I realize all the money in the world will not give me what I want, it will only take from me, that may be hard for any of you to understand but that is what I know in my heart. My joy comes from the happiness of others, this is what makes me want to wake up tomorrow, to know that I have brought some type of clarity, hope or happiness to another, whatever it may be, that is what I want to live for, broke or not, that is where I am today. James

Ps,I wish I was just able to not give a fuck about the world around me but that is just not the case, I hate to say it but at times I am filled with anger for caring because it would be so so much easier if I didn't, but it is what it is

page 117

Well its been awhile, ive debated on what I should say next, to defend myself or not, im not to happy on how I handled the last situation I was in, but im even more unhappy on how john jr handled it. I was told when I took that job, fifteen dollars an hour and all expences paid,that is the only reason I moved away from my children and gave up the truck I was buying, which I lost eight hundred dollars giving it back. I went to work for john sr and everything was fine for a couple of months, then on November 15, out of nowhere I was told to fire 5 workers and I was not being paid by the hour anymore, I had three days pay coming to me, to last two weeks, at this point I have already established myself here, ive spent thousands of dollars on things and could not argue the wage cut because I was stuck, at his mercy, no way to leave. I had planned on bringing my daughter out for thanksgiving but could no longer afford it, that was a very big let down for me, but I continued to try to see the good things in my future. I made it till dec 1^st on the 300 dollars I had to last me two weeks but I was very discouraged about my future here, but I kept working hard and trying to do my best for john sr. December got even worse for me, I was still working 50 and 60 hour weeks for a salary of 1600 a month, that's less than I was making at home, while I was around my family, this was very frustrating to me, what was I doing, but I felt trapped, like there was nothing I could do about it. Well like I said, December got worse, expences were about five hundred every two weeks and john gave me expence money on dec 3^rd, 5oo dollars, but on the 13^th when he went back to California I told him I only had a little left, he said we would take care of it later, as the days passed, and I had a deposit to make, I told him I had no more moey for expences, he told me we would work it out and to make the deposit, so I did, that was around the 28^th, so I had to spend what little money I had to take care of his expenses, meanwhile the water got shut off at my house which he told me he paid, needless to say I was very frustrated with the hole situation, to top it off, come pay day there was no check, as a matter of fact there was no check till the 8^th because I guess john forgot to pay me, ive worked very hard for this man, and accomplished more in the 4 months I was there than john jr could in a year, as a matter of fact, he comes out and lays around in bed all week moaning about his back and charges his dad a thousand dollars and calls me the thief. Their was not one tool stolen, that is a flat out lie from johns mouth, I know that I did not handle the situation right but I also know that I did a very good job while I was there, john you wrote a lot of things about me that weren't true, for my children to read, believe me I would like to do the same to you and your trips to ok, but I wont, ill leave everyone guessing, lets see how trustworthy you are. And if anyone is wondering, yes, I did start doing drugs again, for about two weeks, but ive been clean sence ive left okmulgee on the 8^th of jan, and as for me being a thief, ask john about the deposit of over two thousand dollars I made on the sixth, two days before I left, james

page 116

Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James

Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James

page 115

Page 115 ive really been doing a lot of thinking, ive been very worried about myself and afraid of failing because I feel like I cant get past this wall, so I have taken the advice of my readers, I spoke with some people from a first Baptist church today a made a commitment for Sunday morning, ten thirty, I am realizing I did not get this far by waiting for things to happen, and if I don't seek out things to make my life better, it wont be. It seems like my mind was starting to slip back into my old way of thinking and I know where that will get me, ive been there and it wasn't fun before so im sure it wont be now, so I will take the steps to make change in my life and I will follow the advice of all of you people that have kept me going so far, id like to give special thanks to my friend in chatt who seems to be doing very well and took the time to call me and tell me to get to church, thanks to all the comments and please kept them coming, James

the question

A question for those who dare to answer, I am at a serious crossroads in my life, I cannot find an once of happiness in anything no matter how hard I try, I have not given up, but have been afraid to talk about how I really feel, suicide has never been far from my mind, not to worry, there always seems to be a glimpse of hope just off the horizon, I just cant seem to get there, I am doing everything in my power to find a reason to enjoy life but it seems very hard for me, am I being a spoiled brat, I feel like most of the time I am very much luckier than most, things just seem to happen for me, a lot more than most, but what good is all that I have if I am miserable in my mind, I thought for most of my life the drugs were my problem but I have proven that to not be so. So is the problem me? Im I mental, it seems when a woman wants to be close to me, I push them away, when I find a woman I want to be close to, she doesn't, I wanted a house, I got it, still unhappy, I wanted a good job, I got it, still unhappy, I need answers, there's got to be a reason for all of this, why am I so lucky in life and so unloved, is it a trade off, am I unloved or is it just me, my mind not being right, I have been here before and turned around, I don't want to turn around this time, I want to make it to the next level, kind of like a video game I guess, It seems I can let my life go straight down to nothing, being homeless, and I seem to enjoy those two or three months getting to where I am now but I don't seem to enjoy this part of it, the regular living, ive got to figure it out and soon because I don't know how much longer that glimpse of light will be there, James

day 114, im alive

Day 114, im alive, well its been awhile, ive really been going through an eternal struggle, and im happy to say im coming out on top. Ive been very confused with life lately, I have so much going for me but at the same time I feel so unhappy, I guess im not used to long term situations, and that's what im finally in, im not going to drop and run this time, I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions and start thinking about the long term of life and five years down the road. Ive been here before and let everything go, not this time, I am not going to get beaten by life, or give up hope that I will find a purpose for me and see the light of happiness in my life, I just about let it get me but im back and strong as ever, I am very blessed with a beautiful house, lots of land and plenty of animals that need my love and attention, the rest will come in time, James

day113

Day113, well today was a rough Monday, im, very stressed and not enjoying my job, I feel like I am running myself ragged trying to keep my guys caught up, and that's not my job, ive never been in a position where I supervise five guys, im so worried about falling behind, im running around trying to do there jobs for them instead of doing mine, I love the responsibility, I just need to learn how to stay in control of it. Im learning there is a fine line between friends and employees, and there is also a fine line between being a good boss that cares, or a boss that just sucks the life out of employees and moves on to the next, I am in favor of being a boss who cares, the hard part is finding the line between stern and asshole, and walking it. I must keep in mind in order to do my job I must first keep it, and if employees start to take advantage of my kindness, I don't lose money, my boss does, and in turn, im not doing my job cause if I was, he would be making money, not losing it, if it seems as if im babbling im sorry, im just trying to put things into perspective for myself, business is business and this is what I need to learn if im going to move up a notch or stay at this level forever. I believe I need to work on being more callus, not in a mean or cold way, just more able to base decisions on right or wrong instead of how I feel. The more the responsibility, the harder the decisions, and if you don't make them by what is best for business, you loose the responsibility of making them.

On another note, it seems lately ive been going through a bit of depression, ive never believed in depression before, I always thought it was the drugs I was on or coming off of that made me feel so down, hopefully it will pass, but if it doesn't, I wont try to mask it, I will face it head on and deal with it, and grant, you don't have to worry about me becoming addicted to religion or anything else, I will feel, no matter how bad it hurts, at least I know im alive, maybe I can spend Christmas with you in Mexico, that would be nice. Jim

Day113, well today was a rough Monday, im, very stressed and not enjoying my job, I feel like I am running myself ragged trying to keep my guys caught up, and that's not my job, ive never been in a position where I supervise five guys, im so worried about falling behind, im running around trying to do there jobs for them instead of doing mine, I love the responsibility, I just need to learn how to stay in control of it. Im learning there is a fine line between friends and employees, and there is also a fine line between being a good boss that cares, or a boss that just sucks the life out of employees and moves on to the next, I am in favor of being a boss who cares, the hard part is finding the line between stern and asshole, and walking it. I must keep in mind in order to do my job I must first keep it, and if employees start to take advantage of my kindness, I don't lose money, my boss does, and in turn, im not doing my job cause if I was, he would be making money, not losing it, if it seems as if im babbling im sorry, im just trying to put things into perspective for myself, business is business and this is what I need to learn if im going to move up a notch or stay at this level forever. I believe I need to work on being more callus, not in a mean or cold way, just more able to base decisions on right or wrong instead of how I feel. The more the responsibility, the harder the decisions, and if you don't make them by what is best for business, you loose the responsibility of making them.

On another note, it seems lately ive been going through a bit of depression, ive never believed in depression before, I always thought it was the drugs I was on or coming off of that made me feel so down, hopefully it will pass, but if it doesn't, I wont try to mask it, I will face it head on and deal with it, and grant, you don't have to worry about me becoming addicted to religion or anything else, I will feel, no matter how bad it hurts, at least I know im alive, maybe I can spend Christmas with you in Mexico, that would be nice. Jim

day112

Day112, I haven't written in several days, im having a very hard time finding any signs of life outside of work, if it wasn't for my job I believe I would have absolutely no life at all, im feeling very alone and its hard to find things to be happy about, it seems the struggle is back in my life once again, lately ive come to terms with the fact that I just cant seem to get a social life so ive been working myself into the ground, making myself to mentally and physically tired to think about feeling so alone, I have to wonder if there will be happiness for me or if im always going to struggle with trying to be happy, I am alive and doing ok, and im not willing to go backwards anytime soon, I know that will lead me to unhappiness and being broke, so for now I will continue to fight the unhappiness and hope it pays in the long run, I am sorry if ive left any of you worrying, im just not sure how I feel or what to write, I thank you all, Jim

day111

Day111, im feeling a bit upset today, alone I guess and kinda hurt, I believe when you go out of your way to help other people you shouldn't expect anything back, and I don't want to expect anything back, but I do, I guess it still bothers me when people don't offer something in return, maybe that's normal, I don't know. I feel conflicted, kind of angry that im not getting anything in return, and im starting to feel like I don't want to help others, fuck em, what do they do for me, but I know in my heart this isn't right, I don't want to not care, but it seems the less you care, the more people want to be a part of your life, I don't understand it, im tired and frustrated and feel like I just want to be left alone but I don't want to be lonely, im feeling pretty upset and confused, am I not good enough, am I to nice, do I try to hard, what am I doing wrong, James

day110, age 5

Day110, age five, I have to say I don't remember much from this period in my life, but there are three more things that I do remember, one of them is being slapped by a stranger after school, an adult, I don't remember what I did wrong but I do remember being slapped so hard across my face, and my mother screaming and yelling at this guy, I was actually scared for that guy, my mother was very angry. I also remember killing a pigeon, I didn't kill him on purpose, and I felt awful when I found him dead, we had an alley behind our house and there was ivy growing up the fence, there was a hole in the fence, a small one and I guess the bird made a nest in it, I saw the bird fly into the hole one day and used a piece of cardboard to trap the bird in there, I remember being very excited cause I caught a bird, I ran around and told everyone I knew but in a day or two I lost interest and forgot about him, when I checked on him a few days later he was dead, I felt really really bad and I took him out of that hole and hid him, I was so worried that someone would find out I killed him, I didn't do it on purpose but I felt super guilty, no one ever asked me about it though. I also remember the girl that lived downstairs, we used to hide in the closet and do things kids aren't supposed to do, look at each other naked, that kind of stuff. There's one more thing I remember, sitting at the kitchen table, my mother was dating, and I said something I guess I shouldn't of said, she slapped me, I don't remember why, or even who I was talking to, I just remember not knowing why, and feeling humiliated, I believe I might have been six by this time and I was shipped off to Tennessee to stay with my father. More about Tennessee tomorrow, James

day109

Day109 its Saturday morning, about five thirty, went to bed about twelve and been up since four, I wrote a blog last night but lost it while posting, I guess it wasn't supposed to be there, my mind is really wandering, Kimberly moved out last night, im happy and sad, work is wonderful, I have a nice place to live and its going to be even nicer when I move out to the ranch, and im starting to have a lot of nice things but there's still an emptiness, I wanted to be with someone so badly and im sad it didn't work for kimberly and I but I also realize im not ready to make the sacrifices in my life to make her happy, so staying with her is only going to make me unhappy, I do feel a definite maturity coming to me that ive never known before, I and I like it very much but there is still a feeling of unhappiness or loneliness, I wouldn't call it depression, just kinda the feeling of being lost or unsure. There is definitely something missing in my life, but I will not try to mask these feelings, I will continue to search for what is missing, and live the best I can during the search, James

day108

Day108 well today was a true test for me, you see I have been feeling more and more lost over the last month, not as inspired as I usually am, and very emotionally confused, I am at a very new place in my life and as I learn how to live and take care of myself I also need to learn how to deal with my emotions, drugs and alcohol used to be my escape and after four months of doing so well I finally found an excuse to drink, I drank a twelve pack last night, I would like to blame it on my emotions but I believe that would be a lie, I used to love drinking and thought my real problem was crack, I don't know why but ive been missing drinking for a while, so I thought, I believe that twelve pack did me good, I don't know why I needed to be reminded that I don't want to drink but I did, I don't know how I drank every day before, this morning my body let me know how much It doesn't like alcohol, I had a terrible headache and felt very sick to my stomach most of the morning, and I didn't even enjoy the drunk. As a lot of people may view this as a failure, I will not, I have learned some valuable lessons and I am happy to say I don't enjoy drinking, not one bit, I could've easily jumped on a drunk train and rode this out for all its worth, blaming my emotions, the guilt of letting myself and others down, but to be honest with you, I don't really feel guilty, and as my head pounded this morning and I felt like I was going to be sick, I couldn't help but smile because I realized I am even stronger today than yesterday, and I am actually thankful that for only fourteen dollars and feeling sick for a while inspiration has returned to my life, hope once again roams in my mind, the number of days really don't matter to me anymore, the positive growth and maturity does, I was forewarned about getting into a relationship to soon and I thought I new what was best for me, I was very wrong, I still don't know exactly what I want, but I know now what I don't want, and that is to go backwards, I need not be in a hurry to have everything, and I must remind myself how very far I have come in such a short time, im already way ahead of my game, and as for drinking, I just don't like it anymore, what I do like is the life I am gaining, and the love and respect that I feel from those who care about me, James

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day107

Day 107 Mondays always seem to stress me out, I try not to let them but they do, I think because I have all weekend to think about what I need to do so Monday morning the list seems very long, there's so many places to start, things to get done, its hard to pick where to start, sometimes with so much going on it feels like nothing is getting done, and that really stresses me out, I have to watch myself so I don't get short with the people that I work with, we have three houses in progress right now and maneuvering the guys around and trying to keep everybody busy and doing the particular jobs each individual is good at can be a chore but I find it to be very enjoyable, I believe I am getting better and better at my job, I am learning a lot and even if it feels like things are going slow I know there not, its just self doubt trying to creep back into my life, four months seems like a life time to me and my old life style could easily be forgotten, and if that happens I could easily slip back into it, I could lose sight of the little mistakes and changes that lead to big mistakes and changes, I must check myself, four months is only the beginning for me, these changes I have made in my life are not set in stone yet and if im not paying attention I could easily slip, so attention I will pay, I haven't been writing everyday and I feel this is a mistake, or at least it could turn into a mistake, I guess I took on a little to much in my life, I will not do that again until I am ready, work and staying clean is more than enough for me to deal with at this point in my life, well that is it for tonight, and since I realize I need to be doing this every night, I will say it again, if you don't hear from me tomorrow, im an idiot, James

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day106

Day 106, I believe I will skip on the past for a day, I have some things I need to talk about that pertain to me continuing on this path to freedom from my old way of living, I am feeling the pressures of life bearing down on me and im trying way to hard to stay ahead of them, over the last month I have learned some very important lessons, I was warned by several people not to get into a relationship to soon but I thought I was totally in control of my life and I could take anything on, man was I wrong, im finding that I have absolutely no idea how to share myself and my life with anyone, I thought I was so ready to share my life with someone but now im finding the sacrifices I have to make are putting me right back where I was last year, and im not willing to go back to that unhappiness I lived in for so long, I feel like im being selfish, but I also believe the toughest decisions are always the most important, I am at a time in my life where it is very important that I be selfish and think of myself, or I could end up flat on my face, moving forward in my life is what is important to me so it is me I must think about, I have gotten a lot of good advice and ive also made a lot of good decisions and I look forward to keeping both of these things coming in my life. I love my job and all the responsibility it carries, its a lot to think about and I believe I was made for this job, and I realize that the only things I want in my life this early on is the responsibility of my job and spending every day walking through my life learning how to be a better person, working everyday on comunication skills, work ethics, and just being an all around good roll model for others to look up to, as time goes by I will continue to focus on the positives life has to offer, even in the hardest of times, that is truly what defines who we are, James

day 105 four years old

Day 105, back to rancho penosquitos, I do have some other memories from there, and one of them was a lot of fun, I don't remember who I was with but there was a bake sale at the school, I remember having a lot of fun there, I think I won a cake, they played one of those games with more people than chairs, where u walk around in a circle and everyone sits when the music stops, and they keep eliminating chairs till theirs only one person left, for some reason I think I remember winning a cake, I was very very happy about that. The last memory I have of that place wasn't a very good one, and I have to say this before I get into it, as a child there is no way I could possibly understand how hard it must have been for a single parent to try to raise two children, and as I look back now I can see how it all could be so overwhelming, but as a child I remember my mother always being gone, I had no concept of her being gone to work and support us, I just knew she wasn't there, and I remember one night she told my sister and I to do the dishes and she had to leave, I remember being very upset and telling my sister my mom didn't love us and only wanted us around to do her house work, that is how I felt, I don't know how a four year old could know these feelings but I did, I remember feeling like my parents didn't want me around, well when I said that to my sister my mother overheard me and got very upset with me, I remember her yelling at me and I was so very upset and scared, I believe this was a defining moment in my life, I thought I was older when this happened but I clearly remember the kitchen I was standing in, this is the last memory I have from age four.

The pink apartments, I have a lot of good memories fro this place, I believe I was five here because I remember having to take naps at school, the pink apartments were located in south park san diego, I don't know how long I lived here, but I do know I worked while I lived here, one of the biggest things I remember about living here is I always had money, u see at age five I used to go door to door asking people if I could wash there cars so I could make money, I remember having several of the same people every week that I would go to, I was very free as a child and pretty much did what ever I wanted, even at five, I spoke with my sister last night and she told me I also had a briefcase that I would put stuff in and try selling it door to door, I was a pretty outgoing child, I believe this is where I will stop for the night, this story will continue tomorrow, James

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day 104, four years old

First of all, I would like to thank my mother for getting some things straight from yesterday, comment 4 on day 103, now back to the story, it seems I was very accident prone when I lived in rancho penasquitos, I remember two injuries for sure but I think there was three, I remember someone gave me a bike, it was either my uncle Joe, which I think lived at the same apartments as us or my dad, for some reason I think he came to see us, I don't remember seeing him but I think that's where I got my bike from, anyway, someone was trying to teach me to ride it and I remember running into the curb, I was only four and I think it was a twenty inch bike, a little big for me. I ended up biting a hole through my tongue, they had to stitch the hole closed and I had to drink soup through a straw for what seemed like weeks, it didn't bother me much though because I liked soup a lot. Then there was our baby sitter, I remember she used to always ask if we had our fingers out of the car door before she closed it, and I always said yes, well one of the times I didn't, it messed my finger up so bad I had a cast all the way up my arm, my finger nail is still messed up to this day, another injury that happened which im not sure when but I think it was around this time was more stitches, it's the first memory I have of my sister, I set a board across a rock, like a see saw, and my sister put a rock on one side and told me to jump on the other, kids being kids, the end result was a rock splitting my chin open, back to the hospital for more stitches, I believe all of this happened in the same year but im not sure, another memory I have is stealing ten dollars out of my mothers purse and spending all of it on the ice cream man, I don't remember how she caught me, but I do remember lying to her when she asked me about it. I remember a lot more than what I thought, but im not going to get to it all tonight, but there is something I want gone from my life, something that someone did to an innocent child, a child that wanted nothing more than to make others happy, a child that would do anything to make friends, there was a man in a wheel chair that lived below us and he would ask me in his apartment all the time, I remember him getting me to give him oral sex, ive only told one person and that was very recent, I don't understand why I feel guilty or embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated, like I did something wrong, and the feeling of how people will look at me and what there thinking, but the point is I know im not the only one, and others are carrying things like this around with them to, things like this shouldn't be swept under the carpet, they should be dealt with, our society somehow has got it turned around, the innocent parties feel guilty and the guilty parties don't seem to care, well I care, and im ready to rid myself of the guilt and humiliation that this memory has kept inside my mind for so long, I hope my story will help others ease their minds of past memories, and if anyone reading this can set some of the facts straight I would really appreciate it, this story will continue tomorrow, James

day103

Day103 today I will begin the journey that has brought me to this day, I was born at memorial hospital in Chattanooga Tennessee, I lived in a little town called Flintstone Georgia, I don't remember much about my short stay their, I do remember I loved batman, we had a split foyer house and I used to run down the hall and jump down the stairs yelling batman, I also remember having an evil knievil motorcycle that you set on the little stand and wound up, I used to jump him off the stairs as well, I remember a steep driveway and a lot of cars in the driveway and a boat, but I don't remember ever going out in it, I remember trying to go to my grannies and a stranger, neighbor took me to his house for what seemed like hours until my parents were driving up and down the street yelling my name, I recall trying to hide from them but the man yelled at them and they came and got me, I don't have any memories of my parents at all during this time, not talking to them or sitting on there laps or even what they looked like, just a few memories of playing, I do remember being woke up and everything in the house was broken, there was a lot of yelling and screaming but I don't remember ever seeing anyone fighting, I have absolutely no memories of my older sister during this time at all, and I know we moved to California before I was five cause I wasn't in school yet, ive heard stories that we ran out of gas half way to California and my grandparents had to send my mom money but I don't know if that's true, I don't even remember where I herd that, but I know we moved to point loma ca by my grand parents, it was my sister and mother and me, if I recall correctly we used to walk on the beach to go to my grand parents, they lived in a yacht club, on a sail boat, but we didn't live there long, from there we moved to Penasquitos ca, I believe I was still about four years old, a lot happened to me here so this is where I will stop for the night, I hope this story doesn't bore you, until tomorrow, James

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day102

Day102 i believe that everything does happen for a reason, these last few weeks have been very confusing for me, I thought I was so ready for a commitment, ready to get on with the next step of my life, but I am starting to believe I was just afraid of being alone, trying to fix my insecurities by clinging on to the first person that showed any interest in me, I guess I didn't believe in myself as much as I thought I did. I have been in relationships non stop since I was eighteen, and on drugs since I was twelve or thirteen, I realize there is no way I know who I am and three months definitely isn't enough time to figure out exactly where I stand in life, to drag somebody else into my life when I don't even know where its going would just be selfish and foolish on my part. But I do believe that I met Kimberly for a reason, she has about the same amount of clean time and her own issues to deal with, today she started her own blog, and I was very impressed, you see I believe without my blog and getting honest with myself I wouldn't of made the changes that were necessary in order for me to be where I am today, I believe without this blog, if I was even still clean my life would be an everyday struggle to stay clean, and I would not be able to carry anywhere near the responsibilities that I do today. I am very much looking forward to watching my new friend Kimberly sift through her feelings and find the solutions she needs to make a better and happier life for herself, it always warms my heart to see people bring joy to themselves. Life seems to be such a struggle for a lot of people and happiness will never be found for those who never look, kimberly made her first post today and I believe she is a much better writer than me, so if you enjoy reading, her sight is butterflyunraveling.blogspot.com if you find the time, check it out. Until tomorrow, James

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day101

Day 101 lately I felt a loss for words, I know I am over the drug addiction, and alcohol, I am no longer blinded by them, its like I have risen above them and can finally see past the damage they have caused in my life, and will cause if I ever use them again, but I am realizing that is only the beginning of my growth, I have struggled quite abit with emotions and choices and making the right decisions for me to continue on this path. I am realizing I still have so much to learn, I feel there is not much difference between making important decisions and being cruel, but I know that I am not a cruel person, its just not in me, so maybe that's where a lot of my unhappiness has come from, worrying so much about hurting others and not worrying about my own happiness, I see this as a road to destruction, my destruction, I will continue to try to do what I can for others but I think I need to not make so many compromises to my own personal happiness from fear of hurting other peoples feelings, I have gotten a lot of good advice from all who read, but just like a child I have to stick my hand in the fire to see how hot it is, and as usual, fire is hot. I am very happy about where I am emotionally and how I am handling myself in unfamiliar situations but I must remember I already have a bunch of responsibilities and I have gained them in a very short time, I believe my job could be very overwhelming even for a lot of people who are not as far behind as I was in my life, but I love my job and find it to be very challenging and that makes it fun for me, I look forward to holding much more responsible positions in my future but I know I have a lot to learn about myself before I take on much more, quitting drugs and alcohol is just the beginning of rewriting my life, and deciding who I want to be, I going to start writing about my childhood and hope that anyone reading that knows me will offer bits and pieces as the story goes along because it is all very vague to me, and it is not to place blame on anybody, it is because I have lived a very adventurous life from a very young age and I believe it is a story that should be told. It will be a rollercoaster of emotion that will open peoples eyes and allow them to feel, highs and lows, and hopefully bring a new appreciation to the life around us all thanks to all for taking the time to read, James

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day100

Day100 its been a really good day, I believe not making decisions when you don't know what to do has worked out for me, this is a valuable lesson for me, things have just seemed to work themselves out for the best, and I didn't have to make any hasty decisions, I believe from now on if I am undecided about something I will not let myself be rushed into making any decisions until I am good and ready to, I will make sure I have weighed all the options and looked at all the angles and thought about how my decisions will effect all parties involved, that way I can feel good about who I am and what I stand for in this world, I love who I am, and what I stand for, and I will continue to find ways to be a better person, to set an example on how others should treat the people that are in and around their lives, I will not let my past stray far from my mind in order to keep these positive changes in my life growing bigger and bigger.

I believe over the next few days im going to think start thinking about my life and how it got to this point, the parenting that I had, or lack of, I have a lot of dark buried secrets that I am ready to be rid of, Im just not sure if im ready to relive them, I will think about a life story, a public life story, I believe this is the next step to my growth, James