page 3

page 3

The man falls back down on all fours, facing the floor, blood running from his nose, james drops with one knee striking the man in the back of his scull driving his face into the floor, he reaches for the gun and easily takes it from his hand. James gets to his feet, blinded by rage and feeling unsure if this is even real, am I dreaming, he thought to himself, and as the man lies at his feet moening he looked down on him and realized he didn't care, he was going to kill him. He had killed before in his life but it was strictly out of fear, fear of his own life being taken, he had lived with the guilt of murder for more than twenty years but it seems that his guilt no longer excisted, it had turned to hatred, james looks down on the man and drops another knee to the back of his head, he slides his knee off of the back of the mans head and begins to beat at the back of his skull with the butt of the pistol until his head caves in, blood and brain matter spraying everywhere. James gets to his feet bloody pistol in hand as he looks around to see three patrons and the bar tender stairing at him in total shock, he says nothing, turns for the door and walks towards it, when he gets there he stops, locks the door, and turns back around, don't anybody move or even think about saying a fucking word to me or I will kill you, he walks back to the bar and sits back down, his shot still sitting on the bar in front of him, he drinks it and demands that the bar tender bring him all the money in the bar, every fucking last penny, james had never been a violent person and as he sat waiting for the money, his mind was racing, completely out of touch with what he had just done, behind him, the ten o clock news was playing, volume turned down, as the bar tender approached him to give him what little money there was, the television to his back, she glanced at it as the power ball numbers ran across the screen, one hundred and eighty million dollars, 6, 14, 17, 21, 28, and the power ball, yes, twenty two, and james had no idea he had just won, The bar tender handed james six hundred and thirty dollars, that included her tip jar,

page 2

As his song started, he closed his eyes and soaked in the anger from the song, a rage growing in his mind, blinding him from any sense of reality, wanting to tune everything out, he walked over to the bartender and demanded that she turn it up, not even slowing down as he barked his orders, he continued down the bar towards the couple that had been arguing, and without a thought he walked directly towards them, their backs turned as they sat at the bar, with his left hand held behind him, fist clenched, he swung as hard as he could, still walking towards the man, james is not a large man by any means, but he carries a strength that most people are deceived by, he is about six feet tall and thin, but he has put in many hours of hard labor and has prided himself on hard work, as he swings, his fist grazes off the back of the womans head and hit's the man so hard, right in his ear, he is knocked from his stool and his head bangs into the bar as he falls to the floor. the man that now lies on the floor, confused and unsure of what just happened is a good sized man but he never even saw james coming, it was such a vicious hit the mans ear was already covered with blood, james stood over him, smiling, looking like satan himself, it was as if every hurt he had ever felt was running through his mind, james looked around and everyone in the bar seemed to be in shock, astounded from what had just happened, the mans girlfriend started screaming, what the fuck, ill fucking kill you, james looked at her, still smiling, he felt a violence growing in him, an evil anger that would not permit remorse, he grabbed her hair by the back of her head and began to pummel her face, the smile never leaving his, he continued to beat her unconscious, her face unrecognizable and covered with blood, he let go of her hair and she dropped to the floor, lifeless. James turned his attention back to the man that was on the floor, he was now getting up, pistol in hand, death was a welcome sight to james, suicide had been on his mind for over twenty years, but for some reason he had always carried some type of hope that things would change for him, happiness would somehow find its way into his life, but it never did, he saw the gun and thought finally, but his anger took over, as the man was getting up, james kicked him in the face, the mans nose exploding with blood,

the book of james, page 1

James sits at the bar where he has been for the last five hours, it is a small bar and off the beating path, with only five or six people inside. James has been sober and free of using any drugs for one year to the day, but that was all about to change, as he sits drinking for the first time in a year, anger fills his heart and any hope for a better life is draining quickly from his mind. He has never felt such hate or discontent about life and everything about it as he does at this very moment. Consequences, rules, laws, for the first time in his life he felt hatred towards everything, a lifetime of compassion and caring, trying to do what is right, it is all over, one to many hurts has taken his mind into the darkness. As he sits at the bar drinking, his anger growing towards the world in general, his attention is drawn by a man arguing with his girl friend, as he listens he hopes the man will get out of hand so he can take his hate and anger out on him, someone, anyone, please say the wrong thing, he thinks to himself, and then it happens, the woman smacks her boyfriend and he curses her and strikes her back. James puts his hands in his pockets and pulls everything out, a twenty dollar bill and a power ball ticket, he has been an avid player for at least three years, always playing the same numbers, 6, 14, 17, 21, and 28, the power ball number was 22, 6 is his birthday, 14 is his oldest sons, 17 is another two sons birthdays, two years apart, but born on the same day, December 17^th, the 21rst was his girlfriends of the last 18 years, and the 28^th, his daughters, the 22^nd was a special number to him, it was his youngest sons and his aunt paulas birthday, both of thes people were extra special to james, and he had actually believed every single time he bought a ticket he was going to win, twice a week for the last three years. as he watched what was going on at the end of the bar he took his last twenty and went to the bar tender, a very cute, petite young woman who seemed to have her mind on something or someone far away from this place as it was a little difficult to get her attention even though she was standing only three feet from him on the other side of the bar, james handed her his last twenty and asked for a shot of booze and change for the jukebox, james felt cold, angry, full of rage, his life was more than half over and all he had to his name was the change from his twenty and a power ball ticket that he felt was a waste of another dollar, as he walked to the juke box anger blackened his mind as he thought about where he was in life, he felt life had done nothing but take from him and he was done with what is right, he was ready to take back, fuck everyone, fuck everything, its time to take, as he looked through the songs he saw one that was perfect for where he was in his mind, broken by pantera, he put his money in and started the song, as he walked back to the bar to ask the bartender to turn up the volume, he thought to himself about the consequences of what he was about to do, his past ran through his mind and he realized there is no way to right the wrongs he has done, he feels he is dead in gods eyes and already living in his own hell, consequences, fuck consequences,

freedom

Well I have been writing, releasing the anger that pushes me, and it feels good, it is my imagination and where my mind takes me at times, family be whare, you may not like what you read, but when I think about my life, none of you seemed to care about me, such is life.

life is goood

I have to say, these days are the best of my life, I have not been here for a while because ive been writing a book, I am doing very well, and feel content, I am not real happy about the relationships I am having with two of my children but I know in my heart there isn't much I can do about it right now, I seem to be surrounded by what freels like friends and for the first time in my life I feel good, in no hurry and nothing to chase, know one to impress, a smile seems to stay on my face these days, between work and writing my book I stay pretty busy but I feel deticated, I feel good about waking up, life is finally starting to come to me, I freaking love it, james

page 128

Page 128, it seems a lot of people misunderstood my last blog and who it was directed to, it was strictly directed towards people in Tennessee, people I knew before I ever started writing this thing, my struggle lives within me and my friends from the past have never been my friends, as I try to do what is right it seems those who know me would rather watch me fail than do good, the people I thought cared about me, people that have been a part of my life for more than a decade, I know that I have done my wrongs in the past but im quick to own up to them and do what I can to make them right, I have to live with my wrong doings and theirs a lot of them to live with, but that is what I have to do, live with it, and im sure there are many more mistakes to be made in my life, but I am learning slowly how to live a good life, and with the sight of hope always just out of reach, it always remains their for me to see, I will never give up, I will continue to chase it and learn how to be a better person on the way and will not be discouraged by those who want me to fail, I will find a way to let my anger not run my life or make my decisions for me, I will embrace these emotions and learn from them, take them in like a sunset or a new born child, evaluate them and make smart clear decisions on how I need to live and what is really important in life, ive got a long way to go, james

Page 128, it seems a lot of people misunderstood my last blog and who it was directed to, it was strictly directed towards people in Tennessee, people I knew before I ever started writing this thing, my struggle lives within me and my friends from the past have never been my friends, as I try to do what is right it seems those who know me would rather watch me fail than do good, the people I thought cared about me, people that have been a part of my life for more than a decade, I know that I have done my wrongs in the past but im quick to own up to them and do what I can to make them right, I have to live with my wrong doings and theirs a lot of them to live with, but that is what I have to do, live with it, and im sure there are many more mistakes to be made in my life, but I am learning slowly how to live a good life, and with the sight of hope always just out of reach, it always remains their for me to see, I will never give up, I will continue to chase it and learn how to be a better person on the way and will not be discouraged by those who want me to fail, I will find a way to let my anger not run my life or make my decisions for me, I will embrace these emotions and learn from them, take them in like a sunset or a new born child, evaluate them and make smart clear decisions on how I need to live and what is really important in life, ive got a long way to go, james

page127

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

page 126

Page 126, well I am very confused, life seems to be so selfish, everybody seems to want to self satisfy, and so do I, but where do we draw the line? It seems we live in a society that pushes us to take, take, take, get them before they get me, I can never undo the wrongs from my past but I will learn from them, I have lived with a misconception of love the majority of life, and as I now search for the reason of hope in itself I am slowly learning the reality of love in its aw. It is something you give, even the simplest of jesters, it is what is right, you may never reap the rewards for what you have done but you have opened a door to humanity at its best, this seems to be what brings serenity to my heart, as frustrating as it may feel at times, the seed is planted to grow in others, I feel as if I am getting beaten down at times but in my mind it feels like it's the right thing to do, offer some hope to others that humanity lives among us, I believe you have to be something special to be loved, and I also believe we are all something special, we have all made our mistakes and been a disappointment from time to time but do any of us really want to just straight out hurt others, or take advantage of others, not the majority, I believe its what we se every day and seem to think its whats expected, but we don't feel okay in our hearts about it, reevavuate your definition of love without the heart in your heart, make a stand for what is right, I promise you will sleep better than you ever have, you know im not sure why I still need some type of appoval about what I write, I am who I am and this is how I feel, james

Page 126, well I am very confused, life seems to be so selfish, everybody seems to want to self satisfy, and so do I, but where do we draw the line? It seems we live in a society that pushes us to take, take, take, get them before they get me, I can never undo the wrongs from my past but I will learn from them, I have lived with a misconception of love the majority of life, and as I now search for the reason of hope in itself I am slowly learning the reality of love in its aw. It is something you give, even the simplest of jesters, it is what is right, you may never reap the rewards for what you have done but you have opened a door to humanity at its best, this seems to be what brings serenity to my heart, as frustrating as it may feel at times, the seed is planted to grow in others, I feel as if I am getting beaten down at times but in my mind it feels like it's the right thing to do, offer some hope to others that humanity lives among us, I believe you have to be something special to be loved, and I also believe we are all something special, we have all made our mistakes and been a disappointment from time to time but do any of us really want to just straight out hurt others, or take advantage of others, not the majority, I believe its what we se every day and seem to think its whats expected, but we don't feel okay in our hearts about it, reevavuate your definition of love without the heart in your heart, make a stand for what is right, I promise you will sleep better than you ever have, you know im not sure why I still need some type of appoval about what I write, I am who I am and this is how I feel, james

page125

So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued

james

So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued

james

So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued

james

page 124

Page 124 i believe that dreams can come true, but they don't just come true, you have to chase them down, I vaguely remember as a small child nothing seemed to stand in the way of our dreams, and they were so large but so doable, nothing or no one standing in the way or discouraging us from making them come true. being nyeve and innocent to the worlds ways can be a beautiful thing, that was such a long time ago, I cant even remember what dreams I used to chase, but I do remember the feeling of chasing them with out the fear of failing or thoughts of hopelessness. It seems as we grow older and put a few failures under our belts, mixed in with the responsibilities that start piling up on our shoulders, we start to conform to what we believe this world expects from us, and as we fall into the daily grind our dreams seem to get smaller and farther away, they seem untouchable, they fall from the priority list spot by spot until there are no more spots left. Out of sight, out of mind, our dreams are bumped from our lives. Their have been so many positive changes in this world we live in, big and small, that have changed peoples lives, I truly believe that the pursuit of dreams is what keeps this world alive, forget what you have seen and learned, think like a child and dream big, then find the time to make it happen. Think of the difference you could make.

james

　

page 123

Page 123 Saturday, march 26^th today I would like to try and sort some things out that have been part of me since I was a child, what to believe in, when I was a child religion seemed to be a lot more popular than now days, I vaguely remember my grandpa making me go to bible study, I don't remember learning anything or even what the church looks like, I don't remember anything about it at all, just that I had to go. Some how through all of this the image and idea of god and Jesus were burned into my brain, and as I got a little older and began my journey through foster care I lived with Catholics, Jehovah witnesses, Christians, and people that didn't believe in any religion at all, everyone of them trying to push there beliefs on me, it was all very confusing. To this day I am not a fan of religion at all but I do believe in god, I do believe there is a higher power watching over us, rewarding us when deserved and knocking us down when he thinks there's more for us to learn, I find myself thanking him constantly, I have done this throughout my hole life, as for Jesus, I do believe in Jesus and that he was gods son, but so am I, we are all gods children, and in my mind I see Jesus as a normal person just as you and I, but he chose to live by his morals and values and trust in the love in which his heart had for humanity, and he was unwavering, he would not compromise what he believed to be just and true, unlike the majority, he set an example for others to follow, so they to could feel pure in there hearts, and he was murdered for trying to do what is right, he had a belief in his heart and followed it, and died for it, just like martin Luther king and many others who have died for their beliefs in what is right. I have not read the bible or have any knowledge of all the religions that are out there but I do believe there are a lot of selfish, greedy and just plain morally wrong people that hide behind these organized religions trying to draw you in and convince you that there way is right, but who's to really say which one is right, I am not in fear by any means of not going to heaven because I know in my heart, even though ive fallen flat on my face countless times, my heart is pure, and as I get back up, I grab as many people by there coat tails and bring them with me, I believe all I can do is try to be caring and compassionate to everyone around me, and do my best to stay away from selfishness and greed, and try to set an example by actions, not words, I believe I will start my own religion, the religion of good, it has one main rule, live good. No donations required.

james

page 122

Page 122, today's date is march twentieth, Sunday. Wow what a beautiful day, I feel so good about my path in life, every day I watch and learn from everything and everyone I see, good and bad, I try to learn from it all, how to live and how not to live. I believe there is something to be learned from each and every person that crosses my path, and that goes vice versa, I would like to think I have something to offer to each and everyone who crosses my path. Life seems to be so delicate, it can change dramatically from one moment to the next. There is so much you can gain, but at the same time, the more you gain , the more you have to lose, I have chased some type of a sense of security all my life and as my life changes it is time to redefine what that means, I guess its different for everyone, for me its always been about having things, impressing others, trying to show everyone I was as good as them or I was able to achieve as much as them, for some reason I've always thought I had something to prove, maybe its because growing up I wasn't worth enough for my family to care about me, I was easily cast aside while they went on with there lives, left to figure out this life for myself, I am forty two years old, and I can honestly say that in my forty two years, this past year is the first time I have ever felt cared for or knew what caring about someone meant, I now have four very healthy relationships in my life, my granddaughter daah, my daughter Hilary, my son Michael, and his girlfriend ambrea, who for some reason the minute I met her I knew she would be part of my family and life forever. As for Dylan Harley and Russell, I have not really had the opportunity to spend any time with them and our relationships are very strained, I hope and pray that

in time this will change, ive always wanted to care for my children but I don't think I ever really knew how, ive done the best I could but as I start to learn more about this new life I am living I will do what I can to build a strong and healthy relationship with them, Dylan, Harley and Russ, if your reading, please know that I love you. As for daah, Hilary, Michael and ambrea, I am confident that you already know how much I love you and how much all of you mean to me.

James…………………….

page 121

Page 121, it seems life is getting harder for me, but I believe that is because im trying harder to do what is right. I find it amazing that the more you try to make the right decisions and head in the right direction the more people come out of the woodworks and try to intimidate and misdirect you, I am having a hard time finding how to handle these situations, in my mind I am so angry with some of these people I catch myself plotting killing sprees, but in my heart I know this is so so wrong, I know they are just trying to draw the anger out of me to watch me fail for their own misguided pleasures, I see no hope or future in this so I will find a way to contain my anger and not be persuaded to make any foolish mistakes brought on by the childish acts of others. I guess this is just one of many more tests to come in my life. I have experienced so many different ways of life and have seen just how ugly people can be, almost evil I would say, I would love to find a place where I can walk through life without this hate interfering with me but I am finding it most likely is impossible, so instead I will look at it as just another nuisance for me to overcome. I must find a way to not let other peoples hate, jealousies and insecurities spill into me, I believe this will help me gain wisdom and maturity to help me walk right through these road blocks that seem to keep popping up in front of me, I am at a very good place in my life, not wanting or needing the approval of others, I know that I am on a path to a new me, I can feel it in everything I do, and nothing or know one can take it away, I am truly beginning to know who I am and what I want in life, I have love for everyone and everything, even those who want to knock me down, and for those who try to knock me down, my heart is filled with sorrow for you.

James………………………………................................

page 120

Page 120, I cant tell you how much I enjoy seeing the smiles on peoples faces and watching them enjoy themselves, life should be more like this, it seems so many people are so uptight about their everyday surroundings they bring themselves down, it is sad to watch. There is a smile on my face, I will not be misled by the problems that pop up before me every five minutes, I will solve them with a smile. I do not understand the point of being unhappy or stressed out over the problems life throws at you, deal with them and move to the next problem, that seems to be what life is about, to me anyway. I am very lost, unsure, and misguided by what I see everyday, but I will not give in or except what I think to be wrong, I will find my course in life, it may take months or years or decades, but I will not give up hope until my heart is filled with what is right, not only for me but for everyone around me, tonight is a good night for me, and I wish it was the same for others, I have a dream to see peoples eyes wide open to what really matters in their lives, to see a smile so pure that it could only come from what is right. Awwww, how wonderful could life really be, find it. james

Page 120, I cant tell you how much I enjoy seeing the smiles on peoples faces and watching them enjoy themselves, life should be more like this, it seems so many people are so uptight about their everyday surroundings they bring themselves down, it is sad to watch. There is a smile on my face, I will not be misled by the problems that pop up before me every five minutes, I will solve them with a smile. I do not understand the point of being unhappy or stressed out over the problems life throws at you, deal with them and move to the next problem, that seems to be what life is about, to me anyway. I am very lost, unsure, and misguided by what I see everyday, but I will not give in or except what I think to be wrong, I will find my course in life, it may take months or years or decades, but I will not give up hope until my heart is filled with what is right, not only for me but for everyone around me, tonight is a good night for me, and I wish it was the same for others, I have a dream to see peoples eyes wide open to what really matters in their lives, to see a smile so pure that it could only come from what is right. Awwww, how wonderful could life really be, find it. james

page 119

Page 119, I am definitely starting to find some type of contentment in my life, in all this chaos of trying to find some type of success to prove myself to the world, I am starting to realize its not the world I need to make happy, it seems over the last two months life has been a struggle, but more joyful than I can remember , I am starting to see the smiles on peoples faces once again, but at the same time learning how to be cautious of deceit, it seems to be everywhere, a way of life for a lot of people, maybe they don't know or understand how it effects the world around them, or maybe they just don't care, the American way, take what you can get and fuck the little guy, that is what I see around me every day, it is quite disgusting, and in my mind I want to grow cold and be the same to survive as others do but in my heart I know this is wrong, so I will not, I will continue to focus on what is right and see past how others choose to live, they will not be my example, and I will not get frustrated with life and fall short of what is right, I know that I will slip and skin a knee from time to time, but I will continue to set higher morals and values for myself and not be fooled by this sad way of life we call the American way. I have spent the last two months with my oldest son and his girlfriend, and the meaning of family is starting to mean something to me, I am still very confused about most everything but I am definitely learning about whats not so important to me anymore, and what is, and only in the past year have I felt the love of what family is supposed to be to one another, I have seeked it out my hole life and it has never been there, as a child I was not taught or protected from the cruelties of this world, as a young child I had to go on the defence, going from home to home knowing I was nothing but a check to most of the people that took care of me, not wanted by my family, my own parents, aunts and uncles watched as I was shuffled through the courts, foster care and juvenile hall, starting at eleven or twelve, I have learned to be cosious but at the same time chased love, doing anything to gain exceptance of others, I am finally learning the importance of family values through my children, and it is a godsend, my daughter hilary and my son micheal have taught me a lot and that is allowing me to let my guard down and except love and give it in a trusting manner, it is a wonderful feeling, but very new, I hold a lot of anger towards my family and siblings, they have never cared for me or been a part of my life, always waiting for me to be okay before they would have anything to do with me, never there when I needed them, this is not the type of family that I want to be a part of, or learn from, my children are teaching me that I am not an inconvenience, and they are teaching me love by example, what more could a father ask for in life, james

Ps love u k

Page 119, I am definitely starting to find some type of contentment in my life, in all this chaos of trying to find some type of success to prove myself to the world, I am starting to realize its not the world I need to make happy, it seems over the last two months life has been a struggle, but more joyful than I can remember , I am starting to see the smiles on peoples faces once again, but at the same time learning how to be cautious of deceit, it seems to be everywhere, a way of life for a lot of people, maybe they don't know or understand how it effects the world around them, or maybe they just don't care, the American way, take what you can get and fuck the little guy, that is what I see around me every day, it is quite disgusting, and in my mind I want to grow cold and be the same to survive as others do but in my heart I know this is wrong, so I will not, I will continue to focus on what is right and see past how others choose to live, they will not be my example, and I will not get frustrated with life and fall short of what is right, I know that I will slip and skin a knee from time to time, but I will continue to set higher morals and values for myself and not be fooled by this sad way of life we call the American way. I have spent the last two months with my oldest son and his girlfriend, and the meaning of family is starting to mean something to me, I am still very confused about most everything but I am definitely learning about whats not so important to me anymore, and what is, and only in the past year have I felt the love of what family is supposed to be to one another, I have seeked it out my hole life and it has never been there, as a child I was not taught or protected from the cruelties of this world, as a young child I had to go on the defence, going from home to home knowing I was nothing but a check to most of the people that took care of me, not wanted by my family, my own parents, aunts and uncles watched as I was shuffled through the courts, foster care and juvenile hall, starting at eleven or twelve, I have learned to be cosious but at the same time chased love, doing anything to gain exceptance of others, I am finally learning the importance of family values through my children, and it is a godsend, my daughter hilary and my son micheal have taught me a lot and that is allowing me to let my guard down and except love and give it in a trusting manner, it is a wonderful feeling, but very new, I hold a lot of anger towards my family and siblings, they have never cared for me or been a part of my life, always waiting for me to be okay before they would have anything to do with me, never there when I needed them, this is not the type of family that I want to be a part of, or learn from, my children are teaching me that I am not an inconvenience, and they are teaching me love by example, what more could a father ask for in life, james

Ps love u k

Page 119, I am definitely starting to find some type of contentment in my life, in all this chaos of trying to find some type of success to prove myself to the world, I am starting to realize its not the world I need to make happy, it seems over the last two months life has been a struggle, but more joyful than I can remember , I am starting to see the smiles on peoples faces once again, but at the same time learning how to be cautious of deceit, it seems to be everywhere, a way of life for a lot of people, maybe they don't know or understand how it effects the world around them, or maybe they just don't care, the American way, take what you can get and fuck the little guy, that is what I see around me every day, it is quite disgusting, and in my mind I want to grow cold and be the same to survive as others do but in my heart I know this is wrong, so I will not, I will continue to focus on what is right and see past how others choose to live, they will not be my example, and I will not get frustrated with life and fall short of what is right, I know that I will slip and skin a knee from time to time, but I will continue to set higher morals and values for myself and not be fooled by this sad way of life we call the American way. I have spent the last two months with my oldest son and his girlfriend, and the meaning of family is starting to mean something to me, I am still very confused about most everything but I am definitely learning about whats not so important to me anymore, and what is, and only in the past year have I felt the love of what family is supposed to be to one another, I have seeked it out my hole life and it has never been there, as a child I was not taught or protected from the cruelties of this world, as a young child I had to go on the defence, going from home to home knowing I was nothing but a check to most of the people that took care of me, not wanted by my family, my own parents, aunts and uncles watched as I was shuffled through the courts, foster care and juvenile hall, starting at eleven or twelve, I have learned to be cosious but at the same time chased love, doing anything to gain exceptance of others, I am finally learning the importance of family values through my children, and it is a godsend, my daughter hilary and my son micheal have taught me a lot and that is allowing me to let my guard down and except love and give it in a trusting manner, it is a wonderful feeling, but very new, I hold a lot of anger towards my family and siblings, they have never cared for me or been a part of my life, always waiting for me to be okay before they would have anything to do with me, never there when I needed them, this is not the type of family that I want to be a part of, or learn from, my children are teaching me that I am not an inconvenience, and they are teaching me love by example, what more could a father ask for in life, james

Ps love u k

page3 118

Page 118, well I don't even know where to start, I feel more lost than ever, I am realizing that my goals in life are not really my goals at all, but just some way of gaining recognition from my peers, im so busy trying to impress others with what I have accomplished, I guess as a way to fit in or be recognized I forget to follow what is in my heart, what I believe to be right. I do know that every time I feel like im getting ahead in life, good job, nice things, it seems the better I do the worse I feel, so I am going to no longer concentrate on those things, and comments or what people think, or there opinions, well I think im over it, I no longer care, well its not that I don't care, I m just tired of following everyone else, it hasn't brought any joy to my life in the last forty years, why would it now, I am not happy with the everyday mundane way of life, the way I see it, today's society is really nothing but a big lie, there are very few morals or values in most peoples daily schedules and the majority of society is just chugging along like robots to what they think is expected of them. I know now that I will never find any happiness in this type of conformity, yes it may sound crazy, but guess what, I don't care, I seem to find much more happiness in the smiles of other people and the joy in there eyes than trying to fill my own materialistic greed. I feel like I have hit a real turning point in my life, one step closer to survival without self destruction, that is very comforting to me. Who is to say what is right or wrong, I believe it is within all of us, we all know what is right but it seems we are so quick to compromise what is right to survive, time after time after time, we lose sight, I don't care if I have to try one hundred different ways to live right, that's what I will do, I am still only in my first year of trying to live right out of forty years, I know it will take some time to get it right, but I wont give up, I will be taking a new direction, self satisfaction is out the window, I realize all the money in the world will not give me what I want, it will only take from me, that may be hard for any of you to understand but that is what I know in my heart. My joy comes from the happiness of others, this is what makes me want to wake up tomorrow, to know that I have brought some type of clarity, hope or happiness to another, whatever it may be, that is what I want to live for, broke or not, that is where I am today. James

Ps,I wish I was just able to not give a fuck about the world around me but that is just not the case, I hate to say it but at times I am filled with anger for caring because it would be so so much easier if I didn't, but it is what it is

page 117

Well its been awhile, ive debated on what I should say next, to defend myself or not, im not to happy on how I handled the last situation I was in, but im even more unhappy on how john jr handled it. I was told when I took that job, fifteen dollars an hour and all expences paid,that is the only reason I moved away from my children and gave up the truck I was buying, which I lost eight hundred dollars giving it back. I went to work for john sr and everything was fine for a couple of months, then on November 15, out of nowhere I was told to fire 5 workers and I was not being paid by the hour anymore, I had three days pay coming to me, to last two weeks, at this point I have already established myself here, ive spent thousands of dollars on things and could not argue the wage cut because I was stuck, at his mercy, no way to leave. I had planned on bringing my daughter out for thanksgiving but could no longer afford it, that was a very big let down for me, but I continued to try to see the good things in my future. I made it till dec 1^st on the 300 dollars I had to last me two weeks but I was very discouraged about my future here, but I kept working hard and trying to do my best for john sr. December got even worse for me, I was still working 50 and 60 hour weeks for a salary of 1600 a month, that's less than I was making at home, while I was around my family, this was very frustrating to me, what was I doing, but I felt trapped, like there was nothing I could do about it. Well like I said, December got worse, expences were about five hundred every two weeks and john gave me expence money on dec 3^rd, 5oo dollars, but on the 13^th when he went back to California I told him I only had a little left, he said we would take care of it later, as the days passed, and I had a deposit to make, I told him I had no more moey for expences, he told me we would work it out and to make the deposit, so I did, that was around the 28^th, so I had to spend what little money I had to take care of his expenses, meanwhile the water got shut off at my house which he told me he paid, needless to say I was very frustrated with the hole situation, to top it off, come pay day there was no check, as a matter of fact there was no check till the 8^th because I guess john forgot to pay me, ive worked very hard for this man, and accomplished more in the 4 months I was there than john jr could in a year, as a matter of fact, he comes out and lays around in bed all week moaning about his back and charges his dad a thousand dollars and calls me the thief. Their was not one tool stolen, that is a flat out lie from johns mouth, I know that I did not handle the situation right but I also know that I did a very good job while I was there, john you wrote a lot of things about me that weren't true, for my children to read, believe me I would like to do the same to you and your trips to ok, but I wont, ill leave everyone guessing, lets see how trustworthy you are. And if anyone is wondering, yes, I did start doing drugs again, for about two weeks, but ive been clean sence ive left okmulgee on the 8^th of jan, and as for me being a thief, ask john about the deposit of over two thousand dollars I made on the sixth, two days before I left, james

page 116

Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James

Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James

page 115

Page 115 ive really been doing a lot of thinking, ive been very worried about myself and afraid of failing because I feel like I cant get past this wall, so I have taken the advice of my readers, I spoke with some people from a first Baptist church today a made a commitment for Sunday morning, ten thirty, I am realizing I did not get this far by waiting for things to happen, and if I don't seek out things to make my life better, it wont be. It seems like my mind was starting to slip back into my old way of thinking and I know where that will get me, ive been there and it wasn't fun before so im sure it wont be now, so I will take the steps to make change in my life and I will follow the advice of all of you people that have kept me going so far, id like to give special thanks to my friend in chatt who seems to be doing very well and took the time to call me and tell me to get to church, thanks to all the comments and please kept them coming, James