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Page 118, well I don't even know where to start, I feel more lost than ever, I am realizing that my goals in life are not really my goals at all, but just some way of gaining recognition from my peers, im so busy trying to impress others with what I have accomplished, I guess as a way to fit in or be recognized I forget to follow what is in my heart, what I believe to be right. I do know that every time I feel like im getting ahead in life, good job, nice things, it seems the better I do the worse I feel, so I am going to no longer concentrate on those things, and comments or what people think, or there opinions, well I think im over it, I no longer care, well its not that I don't care, I m just tired of following everyone else, it hasn't brought any joy to my life in the last forty years, why would it now, I am not happy with the everyday mundane way of life, the way I see it, today's society is really nothing but a big lie, there are very few morals or values in most peoples daily schedules and the majority of society is just chugging along like robots to what they think is expected of them. I know now that I will never find any happiness in this type of conformity, yes it may sound crazy, but guess what, I don't care, I seem to find much more happiness in the smiles of other people and the joy in there eyes than trying to fill my own materialistic greed. I feel like I have hit a real turning point in my life, one step closer to survival without self destruction, that is very comforting to me. Who is to say what is right or wrong, I believe it is within all of us, we all know what is right but it seems we are so quick to compromise what is right to survive, time after time after time, we lose sight, I don't care if I have to try one hundred different ways to live right, that's what I will do, I am still only in my first year of trying to live right out of forty years, I know it will take some time to get it right, but I wont give up, I will be taking a new direction, self satisfaction is out the window, I realize all the money in the world will not give me what I want, it will only take from me, that may be hard for any of you to understand but that is what I know in my heart. My joy comes from the happiness of others, this is what makes me want to wake up tomorrow, to know that I have brought some type of clarity, hope or happiness to another, whatever it may be, that is what I want to live for, broke or not, that is where I am today. James

Ps,I wish I was just able to not give a fuck about the world around me but that is just not the case, I hate to say it but at times I am filled with anger for caring because it would be so so much easier if I didn't, but it is what it is