Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James
Page 116 I know that it has been awhile since ive posted, it seems ive having a very hard time enjoying my life, I feel as if something is wrong with me, as I watch TV , and find a range of emotions in the hope and inspiration in movies, they make me laugh out loud or Saab like a baby, a range I do not find in my everyday life, I wonder if I am deceived by the lure of what I believe life is really like and what I have learned over the years of watching shows and movies that have put this extraordinary idea in my head of what life should be like, I am hooked on big ideas and dreams of being extraordinary and trying to except this idea of being ordinary is hard for me to fathom, it is hard for me to except, I feel I am not average and there is so much I am supposed to do, I feel like I am not fulfilling my destiny, I want to make a difference in lives all over, I feel like im out of my mind, like I should just conform to what we call regular life but I know that will not work for me and I will not find the happiness I am looking for until I am able to find a way to inspire others the way I am inspired, like the movies, am I odd or crazy, maybe, but I do not care, this is how I feel, James
Hang in there. It will pass. I know the feeling.
ReplyDeleteJimmy, We all just live. I assumed as a child that I was special. I am sure that I am still special. Not because I did anything wonderful but because, I try to be the best that I can. I know that it is not the best ever but I am good at being me. You just do the best you can. Be the best pet owner you can be, write notes to your children, forgive all thoses who have trespassed against you. Life is not the movies, people fight, fighting is hurtful but it is part of life. Some people are ugly, some are beautiful, some are tall and wish they were shorter, I always wanted to be your mother, tall and ever so smart. (But with a bit more common sense) But we all make bad decisions. The funny thing is I don't want to change anything. I can live with the stuff I have done wrong cause in some cases, bad for me, turned into wonderful down the road. Deal with
ReplyDeletethe fact that life often sucks and it is the tiny happy moments that matter. LY Aunt P
Welcome back! Did you ever attend that church? I still think if you found the right church and got into a singles group that you'd make some new friends and get involved in a lot of fun activities. You need to be involved in some good activities to keep your mind off of yourself so much (I don't mean that in a mean way; but sometimes it's not so good for a person to have so much time to focus on themself.) When I was single I got involved in some singles groups........some through churches and others through various interests, like a ski club, a folk dancing group through a protestant church, etc. Another thing that you might have a lot of fun with is to take some beginner ballroom dancing lessons. I think it's so neat that ballroom dancing seems to have come back. When I was single I did all kinds of dancing, including ballroom dancing. But I'll bet you'd meet some nice gals that way too.
ReplyDeleteCindy's home visiting for the holidays, so I'd better get off of here and get some sleep, as we've really been on the go! We've been having so much fun together, but I know that she needs to get together with some of her friends too. Jim, you really need to start developing some new interests that will connect you with other single people. Then you'll get so busy you won't have time to be so miserable.
Anyway, I hope you have a great Christmas. Take care, Nancy
p.s. Another thought I just had is that now that you have this nice house in the country, there must be someplace in a city nearby where you could take some cooking classes. Or get some cookbooks at the library and learn to cook some good meals for yourself. Then maybe as you get to making new friends you could have some friends over to your place for dinner together. The easiest way is to have a pot luck get together where everyone brings something and maybe you could make the main dish, or whatever you wanted to make. Cindy's having fun with a group of friends in Brooklyn where they take turns hosting a dinner party together once a week. It's just a thought. You just really need to get out of yourself and develop some new interests, and cooking is just another suggestion.
Jim,
ReplyDeleteWe never know how our lives effect those around us. Sometimes one small act of kindness can bring great changes in someone else's life. Trying to be the best person that you can may just be the greatness you are seeking. By living your daily life the best that you can..by living life the best that you can..then you are open for the opportunities that will present themselves. Getting out in the community going to church, being in the community will show you more opportunities for you to do good work. Very few opportunities will knock on your door while you are sitting at home. Everyday that you go to work you touch the lives of each and every person. That might be the day that you inspire someone to make more of himself/herself, to take pride in a job well done. When you post, even if you just post "today was a good day"...it may touch someone's life. Sometime you will not hear of these things...sometimes you will hear about them years later. Make something of yourself, others will follow. God bless
Don't take the movies too seriously. It would be nice if things were really like that in the real world........if things always had a happy ending, etc. But life isn't that easy. Sometimes you have to take the 'hard knocks'(or the bad with the good) and learn from it. Life is different than what they show in movies. Try to get out in the community (as mentioned above) and maybe there are some good things you could be doing to help somebody who needs help. You could even ask through the community where help is needed. God Bless
ReplyDeleteJames, I have tried to follow your blog as often as possible. I've read a lot of great comments from your readers and question whether you are applying their advice in your recovery process? I will say that alcohol and drug addiction is a disease James. I have continued to read lately, about your confusion, depression, lonliness and overall loss of enthuiasm concerning your recovery process. James, are you currently attending AA or NA meetings? I strongly suggest that you find local meetings and attend, if you are not already. James, in those meetings, not only will you learn about the disease that you, me and hundreds of thousands of people share, but, you will also find a relationship with GOD, you will see how God can restore our sanity, you will find a brotherhood (family) that will fulfill the lonliness that you are experiencing. James, we as alcoholics and addicts are full of pride and we think we can fix ourselves by ourselves... James, we cannot. Please find a meeting and try it. -Dave-
ReplyDeleteFirst off I want to say that just seeing that you posted today after all this time made a difference to me today, made a difference in my life and made me smile! Was it EARTH SHATTERING???? No! But if you were looking to make a difference in the world today...guess what? You just did! I have been kind of bummed that I haven't seen you post in a while. I have talked about it with my family. I have been worried about you but, selfish me, I have missed talking to you too. Gee, I wish life was like in the movies but alas, it is not. I too feel like I have great things I need to be doing in my life but somehow life gets in the way, every day. I don't want to be apathetic but the grind gets to me and I wish for something more. Maybe i will make a resolution to do something different this year? Call me sweetie, I miss you!!! Karin
ReplyDeleteJim, hope you are okay. There are no ordinary people, every single person out there has a story. Get to know people, find friends with like sensibilities be the person that seeks people out, listen to their story and tell them ours. There is nothing ordinary about a person who has been through what you have in this last year, or in your whole life. Nothing is easy, nothing just comes to you, but give yourself some time. Life is not like movies or TV, they are scripted, everybody is smart and funny but nobody is real. Think about your kids, they need a dad, a real dad, you can dot it. Give yourself some credit, write a post, we all need to hear from you. Love and hugs, Sandra Fitz
ReplyDeletejim, can't seem to type tonight, I meant tell them your story. An you can do it. Hang in there please...
ReplyDeleteMore likely he will dot it than do it...he only thinks about his kids when they are taking care of HIM.
ReplyDelete"Judge not lest you be judged." (in ref. to comment 8) It was wonderful of you to give Jim a chance and entrust the work that you did to him. But recovery (emotionally & mentally) takes a long time, even if the person isn't doing the alcohol & drugs anymore. It's a slow process, and I think the fact that you were both in California and he was given all the responsibility, it was overwhelming for him and it got to a point where he couldn't handle the responsibility & the pressure anymore. I don't like the fact that you're calling him "white trash" either. We are all loved by God, and even Jesus hung out with people that the scribes & pharises thought were terrible people, and they looked down on them as inferior or "trash." Unless Jim actually stole some items from you, I don't see why he should end up in jail. My father was an alcoholic when I was young, and when he eventually joined AA he got so involved in it that he wasn't home very much. So my mother divorced him because she didn't understand that in order to stay sober and in recovery, he had to spend a lot of time in recovery with other alcoholics....even on the weekends. That's the only thing I think Jim was mistaken about was not getting into AA or NA, where he would meet other people who are also trying to get their lives back together. I know you're angry right now, but please stop trying to belittle Jim when he's got a long way to go with his recovery. It's especially mean to say those things on his blog. I'm sure that he loves his children but hopefully they understand that recovery takes a long time. It would be good if they could get into Al-Anon to better understand Jim.
ReplyDeleteNo I don't understand Jim. I've never even met Jim. But I assumed it was the employers saying all this stuff about him because they were bitter and angry. You must have worked for him then. Otherwise, I don't understand your logic in saying all this about him. As I mentioned up above, recovery takes a long time, and I think he took on too much responsibility and then couldn't handle it. He really needs to get into a good program like AA or NA where he'll be with others that are also struggling to get their lives back together. I've never had a drinking problem and I've never used drugs, but I've heard from other people who have recovered that it takes a long time, and most of them admit that their behavior was pretty awful for quite awhile. I hope for Jim's sake that he has stayed clean & sober, but I haven't a clue why he left or where he went. From his more recent blogs, he sounded like he was a bundle of nerves and unhappy with life. I think it was nice of those guys to give him such a good job, but I think it was too soon for him to take on so much when he was obviously still in recovery.
ReplyDeleteTonight's the first night I've read yr blog. Regardless what your story is right now, where you are, or how you are..I just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am.
ReplyDeleteI saw the article that the newspaper wrote about you on google earlier today, and found your blog.
Relieved to read your thoughts, and hear your stories. Your words have helped yet another life, no matter what's happened in the past or what you've done, you're a damn good person inside. Don't give up the good fight, don't lose your faith, and keep on keep on. This life isn't about keeping our clothes nice and neat and being proper to the very end. It's about when you're finally at the end, standing in your ripped clothing and saying, "That was a damn good fight"
Tell Hilary that I respect her as well, much love to you both, and the rest of yr family and friends.
To the person commenting these crude and mean things, I know who you are, just as I'm sure if you really put some thought to it, you'd know who I was too. Don't try and bring someone down whose obviously is trying to change something about their life, no matter what the past holds, unless you're perfect..which you're not. Take a deep breath and forget all the shit, unless you want to be disturbed by it all your life. It will take you alive.
ReplyDeleteJim is not trying to change his life. He is looking for a free ride. He wants everyone to feel sorry for him. He made choices to hurt those that were trying to help him. Hanging out at a casino when your supposed to be working and gambling away your employers money is not right and he knew it. He stole thousands of dollars and charges have been filed against him. Most of the stuff in the blogs are lies. He does not care about anyone except Jim.
ReplyDeleteAddiction is a disease, and the only way an addict can get help is to get into a rehabilitation program and stay there long enough to make some life changes. Jim tried hard to recover on his own, but without the help & support of professionals in this field, the temptation is always there, and they lie & steal from others. I'm just praying for Jim to turn himself in and get the professional help that he needs.
ReplyDeleteHey Jim, It's never too late to start over... I agree with many of the posters here. You need help from a group like NA to help keep you accountable, and to help you through the hard times. There is nothing like a recovering addict to give you the kind of help a recovering addict needs. You can't fool somebody who's been there, but you can fool yourself in to thinking you can handle things on your own. I still highly recommend you get in touch with Cheri Peters at True Step Ministries. I truly believe she could help you. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteDear Father, please bless Jim wherever he is. If he has committed crimes, give him the courage to turn himself in. Please get him in touch with those who can truly help him. He is Your child, and he needs the help that only You can give. Have mercy on him and those whom he has hurt in Jesus' name, Amen.
Well I know Jim personally, and by some of these comments I know who some of you are, Anonymous or not. The disease Jim has is called addiction, he has had it for a long time, it is not something that many can tackle alone and succeed.
ReplyDeleteInstead of condeming Jim for the drug abuse, which by the way, usually only makes things worse. Why aren't people rallying around this man and trying to bring him out of his addiction any way possible. THATS WHAT TRUE FRIENDS WOULD DO!!!
Instead his "friends" get on his blog and write nasty, insulting things about him.
If he did the things he is accused of, then maybe he truly needs our help.
He quit blogging because certain people were reading it and he felt he couldn't blog and be honest about his feelings.
His blogs were honest, he was doing good, and the ones saying it was all lies.... Look in the mirror, at least his life was on front street, he was not a closet user, people in his life knew he was a user, it doesn't matter if its marijuana or meth, or anything in between, I know that some of you condeming him have done the same, but he doesn't have mommy and daddy's money to hide behind.
If you don't like me because I speak the truth, I don't really care. I know he is a good person underneath the drugs, so JIM... You will continue to be in my prayers!
Wow... Like I said, it was not a fake story, I know Jim, he is a kind, loving, giving man underneath the addiction. Those of you that claim to have been his true friends should know this if you have ever been close to him.
ReplyDeleteThe true story is he had a set back, that happens with addicts, of ANY kind, alcohol, drugs, you name it, it happens.
Maybe he is handling it in the wrong way, and maybe he isn't. He will be the one who lets us all know what is really going on when the time is right.
For now, the best thing that you can do is for those of you carrying a grudge... stay off his pages. For those of you who truly care... keep praying and trying to support Jim in his time of need.