So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued
james
So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued
james
So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued
james
Okay, I kind of see what you're talking about now. As a kid you felt like you weren't given any real direction, and the lack of a father or father-figure really made it easy to do what you wanted at the time instead of what you should have done. But you say the Lord was there, and you knew what you were doing was wrong, but you didn't care, because nobody was asserting any authority over you, so you just did what felt good.
ReplyDeleteOkay, but now you're an adult. You've already tried just doing what feels good. How did that work out for you? Not so well, according to your own testimony. I hate to tell you this, Jim, but there's not a whole lot you can do about your childhood. There is something you CAN do about your life right now, though. You can stop playing the anger, denial, and blame game and surrender your life to God and His will, which you have known was the right thing to do all along, but you're still resisting because you want to blame others for the fix you're in.
I've got some more news for you. We're all in the same boat! We have all made bad choices and suffered the consequences. Some of us have realized we can't fix it ourselves, and must believe and rely on our Creator to do for us what we can't do for ourselves. We are all sick puppies that need a Savior, the Great Physician, if you will. If the real truth were known about any of us, we would all seem repulsive to each other. It is only by God's grace that any of us has anything to offer to the rest of us.
Jim, give your heart to God. Therein lies the only hope you have of attaining any real and lasting peace, the peace, in fact, that passes all understanding. From one sinner to another, God is the only answer to all of life's perplexities. He didn't create our world to function the way it does. We messed it up! We wanted to do it our way. We should have been destroyed a long time ago, but God loves us too much to destroy us without first helping us to see why His way is the only way that leads to life eternal. Our way only leads to eternal death.
Give Him your heart, Jim. It'll be hard, but it'll be worth it! I promise.
Your inadequate friend,
Jack