A question for those who dare to answer, I am at a serious crossroads in my life, I cannot find an once of happiness in anything no matter how hard I try, I have not given up, but have been afraid to talk about how I really feel, suicide has never been far from my mind, not to worry, there always seems to be a glimpse of hope just off the horizon, I just cant seem to get there, I am doing everything in my power to find a reason to enjoy life but it seems very hard for me, am I being a spoiled brat, I feel like most of the time I am very much luckier than most, things just seem to happen for me, a lot more than most, but what good is all that I have if I am miserable in my mind, I thought for most of my life the drugs were my problem but I have proven that to not be so. So is the problem me? Im I mental, it seems when a woman wants to be close to me, I push them away, when I find a woman I want to be close to, she doesn't, I wanted a house, I got it, still unhappy, I wanted a good job, I got it, still unhappy, I need answers, there's got to be a reason for all of this, why am I so lucky in life and so unloved, is it a trade off, am I unloved or is it just me, my mind not being right, I have been here before and turned around, I don't want to turn around this time, I want to make it to the next level, kind of like a video game I guess, It seems I can let my life go straight down to nothing, being homeless, and I seem to enjoy those two or three months getting to where I am now but I don't seem to enjoy this part of it, the regular living, ive got to figure it out and soon because I don't know how much longer that glimpse of light will be there, James
Okay Jim, you asked for it here are all my suggestions. Keep in mind that I am no expert, just trying to help. You have done the hard part yourself, but life isn't always easy. Try to make yourself believe that Life Is Good, work on making you kids happy. Volunteer somewhere. Try St John's wort, works for me. Also running, have you heard of runner's high. Maybe meditation. This may sound stupid but when you meet someone you are attracted to don't be needy. Women for the most part don't want to be needed, they want to be wanted. Having someone need me scares me, way too heavy. Try to work through the pain in your past, either forgive those who have wronged you or if you can't avoid them, go on with your life without dragging relationships with you that you get nothing out of. Make your kids happy, that alone will make you happy. Hang in there and keep the blog going, the holidays are coming fast and that can be a very lonely time. Take your dog on some long walks. Love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteComment left Garyfitz is me Sandy, hugs!
ReplyDeletejim, you are spending too much time inside yourself, happiness is found outside, doing for others, My second husband told me to Make Myself Happy and he was right, only you can make yourself happy. Now, something really important is drug users tend to have deep depressions and you may need to see someone, a pastor, a doctor and explain your problems. You have probably altered some of your chimistry and you may need to deal with what your forme r lifestyle has done to your body. I agree with Sandy.....do things to make others happy and it often will make you happy. Go to the shelter and help feed people. Work at the food bank and give out food..........so many ways to help others, and in doing so, help yourself. Get one of those boys to come and stay with you for christmas vacation. Go to Minco and put a flower on your great-grandparents graves......(the police office has a grave registry and will tell you the plot number for Edna and Lloyd Wimmer. ) Your mother and I adored our grandmother and granddad. Take a picture next to the gravestone and understand you are part of those people, good hardworking people who lived thru truely hard times. Go past the Hardware store that is still there that Grandmother (Irene) worked in as a 14 year old. That is part of your history and mine and your mothers.......You have a cousin in Anderson in Mo.......Just accross the border, go visit her............If you are interested, will give you the number, go visit you son in Mo.........and then go see my Grandson play football, or basketball or baseball with Michael. (Taylor is a true athlete and you can yell for your second or third cousin)....I told you before to go to Church, God gives you an anchor, keeps you from stormy seas.............Beleive in Something and then you will believe in yourself.......Hugs Aunt P
ReplyDeleteJim, there's some excellent advice from Sandy and your Aunt P. above. I wish you would make the time to try some of their ideas as I think you would feel so much better if you were reaching out to help others, or "paying it forward." Visiting your ancestors' graves and the hardware store your grandmother worked in should give you a sense of pride & being part of a good, hard-working family. And I still think (in spite of Grant's strange comment) that finding a nice church that you're comfortable in will open your heart & soul up to God's word, and you will discover how much He loves you and cares about you. And I think you will find that is a big part of what is missing in your life. His teachings bring hope to the hopeless, when we discover how precious we are to Him. I don't know what Grant meant by being addicted to religion. You can go to church & fellowship with other people there and hear God's word, but that doesn't mean that you have to become a religious fanatic! I believe in and love God, but I also have a lot of other activities that I'm involved in besides church, and I certainly don't believe that I'm addicted to religion. I'm not sure if you're ever going to find true happiness & peace until you do let God into your life. His spirit lives in those that believe in him and there is so much inner joy that He gives us that is hard to explain to an unbeliever. Sorry, but as I read about how unhappy and empty you feel, I just have to share this with you, as I think it would change your whole life for the better.
ReplyDeleteTake care Jim & God Bless you! Nancy
Jim, listen to the above counsel! It's all good! In addition, you need to get a hold of Dr. Neil Nedley's seminar on depression! You'll learn so much about why you're feeling depressed, and how to find the way out of it. As I've read much of what you've shared on this blog, it's a wonder you aren't totally debilitated by major depression! You had a messed up childhood, you've been sexually abused, you have abused drugs, I'm going to guess your nutrition has not been all that good, you have unresolved conflict with your family, and on top of all that, you have stinkin' thinkin'! You need to argue with all the self-talk that's telling you you're no good! Don't just say, I know I'm a valuable person, enumerate the reasons why you are valuable. When you tell yourself "nobody loves me," argue with that idea! List all the people you know who DO love you! You can admit that there are those who may not think much of you, but you can also argue that you are not the person you once were, and do whatever you can to mend your relationships with those you've hurt, even if it's just to pray for them. Prayer is very powerful! I have seen it do miracles in the lives of my family members.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, go to drnedley.com . You can get real help there. My wife did. She was so depressed she couldn't get out of bed a few years ago. We watched his ten day depression recovery program on DVD and learned a lot. Then we shared the program with others who were suffering from depression, and it helped them too. What have you got to lose?
it seems your happiness comes from working to achieve your goals..and if thats the case make some more long term goals for yourself to achieve, and maybe get some skeletons out of your closet and make up for your past evil deeds
ReplyDeleteGo back and read your daily blog, which was going strong up until you ignored everyone's advice. You rushed into a relationship, you drank a 12 pack, you never tried one thing that was suggested regarding therapy or church or taking care of your own kids - I'm sorry - What was the QUESTION?
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