the question

A question for those who dare to answer, I am at a serious crossroads in my life, I cannot find an once of happiness in anything no matter how hard I try, I have not given up, but have been afraid to talk about how I really feel, suicide has never been far from my mind, not to worry, there always seems to be a glimpse of hope just off the horizon, I just cant seem to get there, I am doing everything in my power to find a reason to enjoy life but it seems very hard for me, am I being a spoiled brat, I feel like most of the time I am very much luckier than most, things just seem to happen for me, a lot more than most, but what good is all that I have if I am miserable in my mind, I thought for most of my life the drugs were my problem but I have proven that to not be so. So is the problem me? Im I mental, it seems when a woman wants to be close to me, I push them away, when I find a woman I want to be close to, she doesn't, I wanted a house, I got it, still unhappy, I wanted a good job, I got it, still unhappy, I need answers, there's got to be a reason for all of this, why am I so lucky in life and so unloved, is it a trade off, am I unloved or is it just me, my mind not being right, I have been here before and turned around, I don't want to turn around this time, I want to make it to the next level, kind of like a video game I guess, It seems I can let my life go straight down to nothing, being homeless, and I seem to enjoy those two or three months getting to where I am now but I don't seem to enjoy this part of it, the regular living, ive got to figure it out and soon because I don't know how much longer that glimpse of light will be there, James

day 114, im alive

Day 114, im alive, well its been awhile, ive really been going through an eternal struggle, and im happy to say im coming out on top. Ive been very confused with life lately, I have so much going for me but at the same time I feel so unhappy, I guess im not used to long term situations, and that's what im finally in, im not going to drop and run this time, I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions and start thinking about the long term of life and five years down the road. Ive been here before and let everything go, not this time, I am not going to get beaten by life, or give up hope that I will find a purpose for me and see the light of happiness in my life, I just about let it get me but im back and strong as ever, I am very blessed with a beautiful house, lots of land and plenty of animals that need my love and attention, the rest will come in time, James

day113

Day113, well today was a rough Monday, im, very stressed and not enjoying my job, I feel like I am running myself ragged trying to keep my guys caught up, and that's not my job, ive never been in a position where I supervise five guys, im so worried about falling behind, im running around trying to do there jobs for them instead of doing mine, I love the responsibility, I just need to learn how to stay in control of it. Im learning there is a fine line between friends and employees, and there is also a fine line between being a good boss that cares, or a boss that just sucks the life out of employees and moves on to the next, I am in favor of being a boss who cares, the hard part is finding the line between stern and asshole, and walking it. I must keep in mind in order to do my job I must first keep it, and if employees start to take advantage of my kindness, I don't lose money, my boss does, and in turn, im not doing my job cause if I was, he would be making money, not losing it, if it seems as if im babbling im sorry, im just trying to put things into perspective for myself, business is business and this is what I need to learn if im going to move up a notch or stay at this level forever. I believe I need to work on being more callus, not in a mean or cold way, just more able to base decisions on right or wrong instead of how I feel. The more the responsibility, the harder the decisions, and if you don't make them by what is best for business, you loose the responsibility of making them.

On another note, it seems lately ive been going through a bit of depression, ive never believed in depression before, I always thought it was the drugs I was on or coming off of that made me feel so down, hopefully it will pass, but if it doesn't, I wont try to mask it, I will face it head on and deal with it, and grant, you don't have to worry about me becoming addicted to religion or anything else, I will feel, no matter how bad it hurts, at least I know im alive, maybe I can spend Christmas with you in Mexico, that would be nice. Jim

Day113, well today was a rough Monday, im, very stressed and not enjoying my job, I feel like I am running myself ragged trying to keep my guys caught up, and that's not my job, ive never been in a position where I supervise five guys, im so worried about falling behind, im running around trying to do there jobs for them instead of doing mine, I love the responsibility, I just need to learn how to stay in control of it. Im learning there is a fine line between friends and employees, and there is also a fine line between being a good boss that cares, or a boss that just sucks the life out of employees and moves on to the next, I am in favor of being a boss who cares, the hard part is finding the line between stern and asshole, and walking it. I must keep in mind in order to do my job I must first keep it, and if employees start to take advantage of my kindness, I don't lose money, my boss does, and in turn, im not doing my job cause if I was, he would be making money, not losing it, if it seems as if im babbling im sorry, im just trying to put things into perspective for myself, business is business and this is what I need to learn if im going to move up a notch or stay at this level forever. I believe I need to work on being more callus, not in a mean or cold way, just more able to base decisions on right or wrong instead of how I feel. The more the responsibility, the harder the decisions, and if you don't make them by what is best for business, you loose the responsibility of making them.

On another note, it seems lately ive been going through a bit of depression, ive never believed in depression before, I always thought it was the drugs I was on or coming off of that made me feel so down, hopefully it will pass, but if it doesn't, I wont try to mask it, I will face it head on and deal with it, and grant, you don't have to worry about me becoming addicted to religion or anything else, I will feel, no matter how bad it hurts, at least I know im alive, maybe I can spend Christmas with you in Mexico, that would be nice. Jim

day112

Day112, I haven't written in several days, im having a very hard time finding any signs of life outside of work, if it wasn't for my job I believe I would have absolutely no life at all, im feeling very alone and its hard to find things to be happy about, it seems the struggle is back in my life once again, lately ive come to terms with the fact that I just cant seem to get a social life so ive been working myself into the ground, making myself to mentally and physically tired to think about feeling so alone, I have to wonder if there will be happiness for me or if im always going to struggle with trying to be happy, I am alive and doing ok, and im not willing to go backwards anytime soon, I know that will lead me to unhappiness and being broke, so for now I will continue to fight the unhappiness and hope it pays in the long run, I am sorry if ive left any of you worrying, im just not sure how I feel or what to write, I thank you all, Jim

day111

Day111, im feeling a bit upset today, alone I guess and kinda hurt, I believe when you go out of your way to help other people you shouldn't expect anything back, and I don't want to expect anything back, but I do, I guess it still bothers me when people don't offer something in return, maybe that's normal, I don't know. I feel conflicted, kind of angry that im not getting anything in return, and im starting to feel like I don't want to help others, fuck em, what do they do for me, but I know in my heart this isn't right, I don't want to not care, but it seems the less you care, the more people want to be a part of your life, I don't understand it, im tired and frustrated and feel like I just want to be left alone but I don't want to be lonely, im feeling pretty upset and confused, am I not good enough, am I to nice, do I try to hard, what am I doing wrong, James