page 128

Page 128, it seems a lot of people misunderstood my last blog and who it was directed to, it was strictly directed towards people in Tennessee, people I knew before I ever started writing this thing, my struggle lives within me and my friends from the past have never been my friends, as I try to do what is right it seems those who know me would rather watch me fail than do good, the people I thought cared about me, people that have been a part of my life for more than a decade, I know that I have done my wrongs in the past but im quick to own up to them and do what I can to make them right, I have to live with my wrong doings and theirs a lot of them to live with, but that is what I have to do, live with it, and im sure there are many more mistakes to be made in my life, but I am learning slowly how to live a good life, and with the sight of hope always just out of reach, it always remains their for me to see, I will never give up, I will continue to chase it and learn how to be a better person on the way and will not be discouraged by those who want me to fail, I will find a way to let my anger not run my life or make my decisions for me, I will embrace these emotions and learn from them, take them in like a sunset or a new born child, evaluate them and make smart clear decisions on how I need to live and what is really important in life, ive got a long way to go, james

Page 128, it seems a lot of people misunderstood my last blog and who it was directed to, it was strictly directed towards people in Tennessee, people I knew before I ever started writing this thing, my struggle lives within me and my friends from the past have never been my friends, as I try to do what is right it seems those who know me would rather watch me fail than do good, the people I thought cared about me, people that have been a part of my life for more than a decade, I know that I have done my wrongs in the past but im quick to own up to them and do what I can to make them right, I have to live with my wrong doings and theirs a lot of them to live with, but that is what I have to do, live with it, and im sure there are many more mistakes to be made in my life, but I am learning slowly how to live a good life, and with the sight of hope always just out of reach, it always remains their for me to see, I will never give up, I will continue to chase it and learn how to be a better person on the way and will not be discouraged by those who want me to fail, I will find a way to let my anger not run my life or make my decisions for me, I will embrace these emotions and learn from them, take them in like a sunset or a new born child, evaluate them and make smart clear decisions on how I need to live and what is really important in life, ive got a long way to go, james

page127

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

Page 127 I am filled with anger, I am tired of trying to be nice, I am tired of trying to care, and I am tired of feeling feelings, I see no hope or a better life, and as to the ones that used to be part of my life, nothing but anger, fuck you, I hope that if we ever meet I am not in this state of mind because the thought of jail wont matter, only the thought of beating your faces in until they are unrecognizable, fuck all of you, james

page 126

Page 126, well I am very confused, life seems to be so selfish, everybody seems to want to self satisfy, and so do I, but where do we draw the line? It seems we live in a society that pushes us to take, take, take, get them before they get me, I can never undo the wrongs from my past but I will learn from them, I have lived with a misconception of love the majority of life, and as I now search for the reason of hope in itself I am slowly learning the reality of love in its aw. It is something you give, even the simplest of jesters, it is what is right, you may never reap the rewards for what you have done but you have opened a door to humanity at its best, this seems to be what brings serenity to my heart, as frustrating as it may feel at times, the seed is planted to grow in others, I feel as if I am getting beaten down at times but in my mind it feels like it's the right thing to do, offer some hope to others that humanity lives among us, I believe you have to be something special to be loved, and I also believe we are all something special, we have all made our mistakes and been a disappointment from time to time but do any of us really want to just straight out hurt others, or take advantage of others, not the majority, I believe its what we se every day and seem to think its whats expected, but we don't feel okay in our hearts about it, reevavuate your definition of love without the heart in your heart, make a stand for what is right, I promise you will sleep better than you ever have, you know im not sure why I still need some type of appoval about what I write, I am who I am and this is how I feel, james

Page 126, well I am very confused, life seems to be so selfish, everybody seems to want to self satisfy, and so do I, but where do we draw the line? It seems we live in a society that pushes us to take, take, take, get them before they get me, I can never undo the wrongs from my past but I will learn from them, I have lived with a misconception of love the majority of life, and as I now search for the reason of hope in itself I am slowly learning the reality of love in its aw. It is something you give, even the simplest of jesters, it is what is right, you may never reap the rewards for what you have done but you have opened a door to humanity at its best, this seems to be what brings serenity to my heart, as frustrating as it may feel at times, the seed is planted to grow in others, I feel as if I am getting beaten down at times but in my mind it feels like it's the right thing to do, offer some hope to others that humanity lives among us, I believe you have to be something special to be loved, and I also believe we are all something special, we have all made our mistakes and been a disappointment from time to time but do any of us really want to just straight out hurt others, or take advantage of others, not the majority, I believe its what we se every day and seem to think its whats expected, but we don't feel okay in our hearts about it, reevavuate your definition of love without the heart in your heart, make a stand for what is right, I promise you will sleep better than you ever have, you know im not sure why I still need some type of appoval about what I write, I am who I am and this is how I feel, james

page125

So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued

james

So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued

james

So, where do I start, at thirteen, I guess that's about the best place to get going, after all that's when my life of drugs and obsession for that life style started, getting high seemed to be the cool thing to do but sex, sex made you who you were. Welcome to a mind that is driven by the devil but open to gods light, confusion sets in, I want what I want but I know its not right, the drugs allow me to avoid the light and chase my pleasures of life. What are our goals supposed to be in life, where do we learn this, from our parents, our teachers, people in our community, I had none of this in my life at thirteen, it was left up to me to see life and make my own conclusions, set my own rules, and as a thirteen year old that was pretty simple, the easy way, drugs, sex, whatever seemed to be cool at the time, I lived to impress anyone I could, status quoi. I hate to say it but I loved everything the devil had to offer, it made me who I was, it gave me my reputation among my peers, and it was good. So as a child on drugs, why would I take a different route, this one seemed to be just fine. I am forty two years old now so my past is very vague,. But im going to try to walk you through my past as best as I can, at thirteen I lived in lemon grove California, my mother was a single parent with four children, my father was in Tennessee and didn't care one bit about his kids, my older sister and me. And still doesn't, we ran my mother ragged, needing a father around but not having one seemed to be an advantage to us back then, there was a black path wide open for us to follow back then and no one standing in our way as we ran down it, the devils path wide open and looking so fucking enjoyable, the choice was easy, get out of the mother fucking way. Wow, we drove my mom crazy pretty fucking quick. life seemed to be good for us kids, parents out of the way, free to do what ever we wanted. Fuck school, fuck rules and fuck the police, at thirteen I was my own boss and ruled my future, fuck what everyone else thought, I new what was best for me, and if they tried to tell me, fuck em, id do what I wanted anyway, I knew best, and there was no one to tell me different anyway. Drinking and getting high, pot, meth wasn't far away, and when I got ahold of that, wow, the doors to downhill really opened up. And I was on my way. At thirteen years old, high and drunk, it seemed my world was wide open no one in my way, and the devil right by my side to steer me in the right direction, the lord was there, watching over me, I could feel him, but as a young child, his road had nowhere near the strength as evil did, that road was so enticing, that's the road for me, so away I went, to be continued

james