north dakota

wow i dont even know where to begin i do know im very happy to be writing again, ive missed it alot, i have gone up and down quite a bit these last couple of years  and lived in five different states some of them twice, i was pretty much duffle baggin it and stayin on couches, stayin clean for a month or two but i always seem to find my way back to gettin high, and im usually pretty good at hiding for a month or two till pretty soon i gotta start borrowing money cause i cant put gas in my car, i am amazed that i have been able to live as long as i have jumping back and forth across that line and i am sure that most of the people that i grew up with or met on the way most likely thought i would have been dead or homeless at this point in my life, and to be honest with u im just as surprized as those who know me, i believe when i first started writing this thing it saved my life, i cant really explain how, but i know it did, i needed to write to remind myself how deceptive it is on the other side and how quickly i get lost over there, i ended up moving to north dakota on an over night descision rite around january first, not really knowing what to expect and not really having a job lined up, and when i got there i wanted to go home, the wind chill was seventy one below and i was up there in my carrhart work jacket and no gloves or beanie and not enough money left to buy the stuff i needed, i really thought out of all the stupid things i had done this had to top the list and i knew my borrowing  and never payin people back had taken its toll on anyone and everyone that i could possibly call for help, but i had to call and ask anyway, i had no choice, i was here and i was stuck, and this huge mistake that i had thought i made has taken my life to a level i have never known, ive been up here goin on eight months,i finally for the first time in my life have my own place that feels like home my income is through the roof and my bills are lower than they have ever been and i havent wanted to get high in a very long time, i am truely blessed i hope to do alot more writing and my cousin and i are doing a small film project in september of this year, to anyone out there that i have let down , misled or taken advantage of  i hope you know that when i say that i am sorry it is sincere, i work every day at trying to be a better more patient and understanding person, im very happy to be back on here and hopefully it will bring some knowledge and inspiration to someone who needs it, james
,

thanksgiving

Today is a wonderful day,  its thanksgiving and I am so happy to be able to spend time with my daughter Hilary and my granddaughter daah,  don't get me wrong, I wish I could be with all o my children, my son Michael and his wonderful  girlfriend ambrea and their child, my newest grandchild, lilliana, and I would love to see my son Dylan, who is in san diego working, or my son Harley, and his daughter, alissa, and I would also like to be spending time with my son Russell,  or even my mother and two sisters in verginia, but I eel in my heart im right where im supposed to be, I feel love in the air and the comort of family, I truly feel this is one o the best thanksgivings I can remember, best wishes to everyone out there, happy thanksgiving and please, don't orget how to love, james

wow

 

It seems the more I want to do good, the harder I fall, as doors open, I slam them shut, im so confused, I know I am capible of unemaginable hieghts, but it seems I punch myself in the face everytime im about to sucseed, I am unable to control my own life and end up in situations where I am dependend on others and end up doing for them instead of me, I feel I am getting weaker the closer I get to sucsess, is it a crazy notion to think that maybe I am being attact by demons, wow that sounds crazy, but im not sure if it is, I believe im a pretty intellegent guy but you wouldnt think it by the mistakes I continue to make, I have some huge dreams that I would like to see become reality, and I do believe that one day I will see them come true, but I need jesus to send as much help as possible because theres no way I can do it on my own, im asking you jesus, I

know who you are and what you stand for, snatch me up by the back of my neck and carry me in the right direction, help me strive for the goals that I aim to meet, after all, they are in your name, james

start living

 

Today is more than just another day for me, it seems like I have gotten really good at just getting by, I am beginning to see this pattern in my life that has to change, Ive pulled myself out of a hole so many times it seems easy so theirs not much fear of going back down, the pattern that I am beginning to see is that once im out and on level ground I get comfortable and the motivation to start climbing even higher seems to fade away, I seem to think im doing just fine and do just enough to get by with all these goals in my mind and I continiously tell myself I will start them tomorrow, we all know tomorrow never comes, so I live on this level ground for a while until I start losing hope and giving up on my dreams only to fall flat on my face and then I have to start this hole routine over again, im tired of just getting by and I know I dont want to fall flat on my face, so today I am making a concious decision to go forward instead of backwards,

unknown

Unknown

I seem to be at a very scary point in my life, any grasp of hope has drained from my heart, I don't know what is wrong with me, I want to be loved and be able to love others but my heart feels empty, the thought of some type of happiness seems to stay just out of reach and for the first time in my life I feel to tired to chase life, all the opportunities are there for me, I just cant seem to stop stepping on my own toes, its like if I fell myself start to smile I smack myself in the face, I cant get ahead without self destructing, I have never felt so alone in this world, and at the same time felt like crawling farther down in the hole, for the first time in my life I am seeing how alone I actually am and im not sure how to deal with it, if I wasn't clinging on to what little hope I can see but is just out of my reach, any reason for living would be completely erased from my mind, this is not a cry for help, just the honest facts of what I am living with and trying to get through, james

the book of james anew, page 8

The book of James anew, page 8

I feel pretty good about the direction I am headed in, I believe when it comes to church and religion you really have to do your homework before you just jump on board some ones band wagon, I believe I've made giant leaps over this past week, trying to choose the exact direction I want my life to go in is going to take years, I have an opportunity to change who I was into what I want to be, we all do, I guess its about having the confidence to believe enough in your decisions to stand behind them and not be misled by others, this may sound off to you but it makes total since to me, he who screams Jesus the loudest should not be trusted, you know the type, Jesus and god and prayer is every other word in every sentence, and you cant get a word in edge wise, I believe if someone truly wants to be more Christ like, they take action without screaming it to the world, if god is in all of us, then everything we do is already in his name, its time we started making a difference for the ones who need it, not for ourselves, make a difference quietly, those who need the help are ashamed enough, so help them quietly, and let other peoples smiles fill your heart with love, James

the book of james anew, page seven

The book of james anew, page seven, well I went to a Nazareth church today, and I will have to say, I found the worship very uncomfortable, the people were very nice and inviting, and the surmon was good, but the singing, I don't know what it is but it makes me very uncomfortable, I looked around and I was happy about what I saw, people looked sincerely happy, enjoying every moment of what was going on, complete bliss on some of there faces, and I am not saying it is wrong, but for me it just doesn't feel right, I felt awkward and out of place, like these people were fooling themselves, not by a false god, but by a false belief, at this point in my knowledge of god, there is no way I would ever want anyone to take what I say to heart, im trying to learn and figure this hole thing out, I want to understand how people can stand and put all there faith in the unknown, its not like I don't believe in god, because I do, im just not sure I believe in what this world believes to be worship, sitting around in a church singing songs really doesn't make much since to me when you could be organizing on how to clean up your neighborhood, or feeding the homeless in your community, funding for trips over seas doesn't make sence to me when we have so much work to do right here in our own back yards, I will continue to go to different churches, but honestly im afraid I will continue to see the same thing, denomination doesn't seem to matter, why are our churches not focused on there communities, they are so close and the cost is much less to service your neighbor than someone two states over, I believe in god and jesus, and I am starting to believe bible study is much more important than worship, as I read the bible I have found no flaws, only maturity, education on love, and I don't just mean man and woman, I mean father and son, friendship, guidance emotional maturity, its rough learning all that stuff by trial and error, in my honest opinion, I have no faith in the church system, im not saying I don't believe in those who go, im saying people should step back and reevaluate the churches they go to and make the apropreate changes to make them

the book of james anew, page six

　

I am just starting to realize how many different denominations of church there is, its very confusing, a person could probably spend his hole life studying all the different types of churches and the beliefs they follow, and who is to say which one will get you to heaven, isn't that the goal, to get to heaven, that's what the majority of churches teach, my heart tells me that is wrong, I don't believe I should live a certain way in this life just to try to get to the next, I believe in god, and I think that he would want me to love, to show love, to care for and about others, to take a chance in this life no matter what the concequences are, chase what your heart tells you, I am a true believer in no good deed goes unpunished, but that will not sway me, I will take the punishment to feel right in my heart. I have something else to set in stone, I am ashamed and descrased by the general population of churches, but that will not sway my belief in god and jesus and what he stood for, I feel I am on the right path, I will not allow people to confuse me with what is acceptable in todays society, I will believe in what is in my heart and mind, I will find who I am and what gods plans for me are in this life, james

the book of james anew, page five

The book of james anew, page five

It seems lately I am having a very hard time writing what is on my mind, over the past couple of years I feel I have grown immensely, my hole life has been about right now, I have never really tried to pursue any dreams or put goals into motion, as far as that goes, I have never really set any goals for myself, things always just seem to fall in place enough for me to get by, but that is not enough for me any more.

I was talking to a friend the other night about a goal that I would like to achieve, she seems to be a very smart woman who has overcome many things in her life and she lives for god, she had me in tears in no time, filling me full of inspiration and hope, taking away my self doubt, she talked about a business plan, sitting down and writing out how to put my goal in motion, I felt alive, ready to concur the world, but it didn't take long once the phone call ended for me to feel lost once again, and that's when I realized, I have no idea who I am or what I believe in, I need a life plan , I need to find what it is I believe in, and put it in stone, Im realizing that I have adapted to so many other peoples believes that I have no idea what mine truly are, I do know one thing without a boubt, I know I believe in god, james

Thank you very much sheri, without caring people like you I would be real close to falling flat on my face

the book of james anew, page four

The book of james anew page four

I am beginning to realize that without some type of direction in my life I will continue living in this confused state of mind, I feel like im stuck on the ground floor of life, I see all kinds of doors to open, I just cant seem to pick one, I know I believe in the idea of Christianity, it seems to go with what is in my heart, but I cant wrap my mind around church, and as I talk to more and more people and get there opinions about church it continues to add to my confusion, I believe in the idea of church but i feel that the majority of churches are basically companies, with employees, so how does a person, like myself, who feels god in his heart, I know that he is with me, I cannot explain it, I just do, I feel like I have no where to go for answers, id like to think I could go to church for some guidance but for some reason I feel that the majority of churches have blinders on to any other agenda that is not there own, to me that doesn't seem very godly so my trust in what direction they would like to point me in is not there. Its not that I want to distrust the church system, I just do, I would love to hear good opinions about church from regular people, I really feel like todays society has lost its way.

james

the book of james anew page three

The book of james anew, page three, I don't even know where to start, im so confused, im trying so hard to find my place in life but I have never felt this out of place before, I find myself just existing and unimportant to anyone or anything, I want to have a purpose but I am so unsure of my thoughts and what I want to believe that I feel like im in battle with myself to even continue existing, I want so bad to make a difference and be a part of something that changes our outlook on the human race, religion seems to be so touchy that people run the other way when you bring it up,I have read some of the bible and I see drunkards and prostitutes and theives and even murderers snatched up in faith and changing the world they lived in, I have put my faith in god and have decided to slow my life down and pay more attention to my actions and take more pride in who I am and how I live, but it seems since ive made these decisions, well I have never felt more alone or suicidal in my life, but I will not break my faith in god, I will reach farther down in my soul for the strength that he has instilled in me at birth, I will not be defeated by doubt, at times I wonder if im crazy because of my thoughts and what I believe, but then again whos to say whos crazy, should I worry about you judging me, or should I track down what I believe to be right and tackle it without a second thought. I want to live, and enjoy my life as I live, I know in my heart I will never find happiness working a nine to five and getting by with just paying the bills, I feel angry, upset and let down by god, but I believe that is human nature, and I believe it is time for me to show a little maturity and follow what is in my heart, to put my belief in something bigger than me, to chase happiness, and I believe Christianity to be right, I think it is a long road, but feeling good about who you are and caring for other people cant be wrong, I feel as if some force is trying to stomp out my soul, I will take this on faith that I am doing something right. james

the book of james anew, page 2

The book of James anew page two im sure alot of people are thinking ya right, now he found god, well the fact of the matter is, ive always had god with me, I just didn't know him, id like to say I know him now but I cant, I can say I know of him, and I am learning the ways of his son, I was baptized on easter but I will have you know there was no bolt of lightning or some sudden change in who I am, just a commitment to make suddle changes in my life, I will not be knocking on your door telling you to confess your sins or you will burn in hell, what I will be doing is reevaluating who I am and what really brings joy to ones heart, because I have been without any for what seems to be eternity, my goal is to mature, to gain wisdom, emotional wisdom, to learn how to be true to myself and all those I come in contact with, for me, to know that I have given to others unselfishly, makes me feel good, how can that be wrong, I feel very alone and kinda isolated, but I feel good about who I am and even better about where I am In my life and where im going, I want nothing more than my life to continue in this direction but I can feel myself dying without the interaction of others, I need all the support I can get, thanks, james

the book of james anew, page one

its been awhile since ive been here, my life has turned up side down once again, but it is what it is, the important thing i believe is to get back to what feels right, ive gone through some scary changes over the last two years and have been in some really dark places in my mind, but over the last three months or so i have been educated quite a bit about christianity, i have been baptized, and i have made a vow to god to become a better and stronger christian, i have never felt such forces working so hard against me, if not for the blind faith i have taken in the lord i would not believe he even existed,i have never felt such loneliness as i do at this point in my life, but my faith will stay unwaivering and i will know that i am in his grace, i will open the doors that he puts in front of me with no fear, only anticipation of what challenges he might have me face, and i will spend every moment searching for wisdom and maturity to handle all that is thrown at me, i am inspired by the word of god, james 

page 21

Page 21 james left his fathers house and went straight to hooterville, it was about one in the afternoon and there was plenty of people out selling drugs on every corner, it didn't even take five minutes and james was rolling out of the nieghborhood with another hundred dollars worth of crack in his hand, he heads for main street to find his next victim, he knows exactly what he is looking for, a woman that is beat down by life, a woman that is so hurt and scorn by others and her own doings that her life long goals she had as a child has turned to desperation, chasing a high to escape her feelings of pain and humiliation that she now brings on herself everyday by the life she lives, james thinks about his past and his life on drugs, how they ran his life, day after day he would get high trying to escape from his hurt, only to hurt twice as bad in the morning after realizing what he had done the night before to stay high, what a viscious cycle, it breaks you of all your hopes and dreams, and as its killing you, it deceives you so much all you can think about is more, your mind tells you it's the cure, james had been with many prostitutes, seeing them for who they really are, some ones daughter or sister, some poor girl that got off on the wrong track, alone and scared, eaten up and had been taken advantage by the truly wicked of this world, james had been around the block quite a bit and throughout his life he had seen much more than most, upper class, middle class, poor, and homeless, james had lived it all, to see the world through his eyes would amaze you, he was never quick to point a finger or judge, he was quick to make excuses for others bad behavior, james had seen so many different lifestyles and witnessed so many different levels of life that he was able to see right through the front that most people put on and read them for who they really were or what they were really about, james had a very positive outlook on even the worst of people, ignorance, it sounds like a mean word, but james didn't see it that way, to him it just meant you didn't know, you were uneducated, james didn't see selfishness or greed or hatred, he saw ignorance, people that just didn't know any better, he didn't see homeless or drug addiction, he saw pain and hurt, loneliness, he saw people who felt unloved and unwanted, chasing some type of an escape and doing ungodly things to catch it, deceived by a false hope of making it all go away, ignorant to the grave they are digging for themselves

page 20

When james thought about his past and how he had set himself up time and time again to be used by someone, or taken advantage of, to put his trust in someone only for them to turn and laugh in his face, he knew he had finally broken that pattern, he knew those days were over and there was nothing or no one that would ever hurt him again, the only emotions left were anger, lust and hate. He thought about going to hooterville for some drugs but for the first time in his life he felt a sence of control, sey he was going to go get some drugs but not to shield his pain but more to satify the lust on his mind, it was the first time he felt in control of his drug use, he no longer needed to escape the pain he had lived in for so long, it was just gone, he finally felt in control of his mind, and he seemed to thrive off of the anger he felt, this was so new to james, uncarred, a since of freedom from what he had thought to be right his hole life, he felt as though he had been freed from his shackles and it was time for all of those who had done him wrong to pay, and in his mind he could visualize each and every person paying what he believed to be there debt to him, he could only picture in his mind complete malice, he thought back on the last day and a half and smiled, there was no remorse or hurt for what he had done, only a since of gratification. This new sence of power felt great, and he wanted more. Lust and kaos were the only things on his mind, taking back all thet he had givin is all he could think about, fuck kindness and consideration, I want back what I have given to this fucked up world, and im gonna take it, he thinks to himself about all the hookers he had been with through out his life, and why he was with them, he seemed to have this need to be close to someone, anyone, some type of intimacy, it was never about the sex, it was about feeling close to someone, a bond, or some type of connection, but time and time again, those wants were never satisfied, and the end result always ending up in disappointment. Those feelings of loneliness and insecurity have completely left his mind and have been replaced with vicsious and malice thoughts of seduction for his own angry pleasures, in his mind he thought about all the drug whores he had been with and how they had always manipulated him out of his drugs, never giving him what he needed, it was his time now, and in his mind he could see himself at a hotel with a whore feeding her drugs, but this time would be different, he wasn't chasing emotion, he was chasing domination, and he would take and make her do what ever he wanted.

page 19

Thoughts of god comes to his mind, how he had talked to him and thanked him on almost a daily basis, even though james didn't go to church he had always believed in god and new that he was being watched over, he new that something was responsible for keeping him alive through all that he had lived through in his life, there was something that pushed him to care, to believe in this self centered selfish fucked up world he lived in, he had made a lot of bad decisions in his time but he always carried the guilt and remorse that came with them, and it always fell back on drugs, getting high was far from recreational for james, it was a way out, an escape from his own mind that seemed to torment him, feelings of guilt for the wrongs that he had done always haunted him even though he had always tried to right his wrongs when his mind was clear enough to think straight, life just seemed to be to much for him to handle, he felt confused and felt he was weak compared to the people he always seemed to be surrounded by, he was always willing to give and that seemed to draw people to him that were willing to take, and take they did, he always seemed to have lots of friends, always needing him to help with something or fix something and james was always willing to help with the best of intentions but some how it seemed things always got turned around and there was always a finger pointing back at james as if he had done something wrong, he knew for a long time this was his weakness, letting people take from him, letting people use him, many times he thought of trying to be more like other people, more cold and calous towards other peoples feelings but this was not who james was, his heart wouldn't let him purposely take advantage of others, his mind wouldn't let him use people as they consistently used him, james often thought of some of his favorite artists that had overdosed on drugs, like Janis Joplin, jimi Hendrix, jim morrison, kurt cobain, and the lead singer of sublime, james thought of these people quite often and how different they were than most people and he felt that he was a lot like them, he knew none of them died while enjoying life, they died trying to kill there pain, they died trying to ease there mind of the hurt they felt and the pain they saw on a daily basis in this world, james spent a lot of time thinking of these people and the struggles they had lost and it had helped him live on in his own pains and struggles with life, he would often listen to all of these artists and find himself crying for them, believing he could feel there pain and knowing he was still living with the same struggles that had killed them, even though james was on drugs most of his life he was still alive so he had always believed he was winning.

page 18

He takes a good look at himself and realizes he needs to clean up, so he starts tearing through his fathers drawers searching for some clean clothes that might fit him. He finally finds something to change into and starts the shower, as he empties his pockets he counts out about four hundred dollars and a power ball ticket, the ticket seems irrelevant to him but he had never thrown an old ticket away until he bought a new one so the ticket stayed with the four hundred dollars cash that he had. James took his time getting cleaned up all the while thinking of where his life should go from here, thinking was the last thing he wanted to do, all he wanted to do was leave his mind, escape, he headed to his fathers fridge and grabbed what beer was left inside, about eight beers in a twelve pack, he grabbed the twelve pack and headed for the living room, turned on the tv, sitting about five feet from his father dead on the floor, he watched tv, putting beers back as quick as he could open them until he was able to pass out. James was out for two or three hours and as he started to wake he knew he didn't want to, he wanted it to be over, he wanted to die as he had for many years but knew he couldn't do it himself. He tried and tried to go back to sleep but it just wasn't happenning, he was so angry at so many people and as he thought about his life and how it should have been, his anger seemed to grow, his mother came to mind and it was a quick decision, he would pay a visit to her next, she lived a long way from where he was but that didn't matter, he felt she held a huge responsibility in why he was the way he was, it was time for her to explain to him, why she couldn't and didn't care for him like she did all of her other children, why he was worth less than his brothers and sisters seemed to be a puzzle to him, he was a loving and caring child that tried so hard to do what was right, he just wanted to make everyone else happy, and he tried so hard but it never seemsd to matter. As he begins to sober up he knows its time to leave, his mother lived over five hundred miles away and he new there was no way he would last another ten hours living in his mind without drugs to ease the pain. Hooterville was less than five miles away, time to go get some crack and beer for the road. The police seemed to be no concern to james, they had to be looking for him, but it was the last thing on his mind, he had avoided the police most of his life and knew there wasn't much to it, always look them in the eyes when your talking to them and never look nervous, james had done this for years and had no problem dealing with them, in fact, it kind of gave him a rush to talk his way out of situation after situation.

page 17

No child should have been treated the way you treated me, how many times did I get pushed off on someone else dad, lets count, flintstone georgia till I was four, then point loma, California, then penosquitos, California, flintstone georgia, hillcrest, California, clairmont california, Daytona beach, florida, back to clairmont, to a different house, another new neighborhood, just in time to move again to another new neighborhood, in Escondido California, then to el cajon California, then to lemon grove California, back to point loma with his grand parents, then to lemon grove California, back to florida, a new town once again, port orange, which ended up in juvinile hall, then back to lemon grove, to foster care. James sits next to his father, looking down on him, his nose broken and a gash from his hair line to his nose, one of his eye sockets filling with blood, james nudges his fathers ear with the tip of his shoe, can you fucking hear he dad, looks like that shit hurts dad, I fucking hope so, but were not done yet dad, I just want you to know I no longer give a fuck, I don't care if you like me, I don't care if you aprove of how I live, as a matter of fact dad, I don't give a fuck about anything anymore, especially you, james thinks about his father, how he had loved him, he had chased his fathers appoval for over forty years, he needed so bad to be loved by his family, someone to tell him he mattered, someone to actually care about him, worry about him, show some type of concern, but as he looked down on his father, he knew he would never get it from him, how could this man bear a child and throw his child to the wolves, and blame that child when he fails, thoughts of remorse had been slowly working into his mind but as he thinks of his youth, what he had lived through, no one to turn to, his remorse was squashed quickly, he felt surreal, a violent anger mixed with calmness, it was a high he had never known, he had never felt such callus in all his life, he felt nothing for his father but hate, he felt nothing for rules and regulations, law didn't matter, the wrath of god didn't matter, james had never felt so right about doing something so wrong. As calm as could be, james lit a cigerette and put it in his dads mouth, smoke up, its your last one mother fucker, he got up and walked to the laundry room of his fathers house, he new it was where his dad kept his tools, he looked around until he found a hammer and went back to the living room where his father was laid out on the floor, james sat down next to him with his legs crossed, Indian style swinging the hammer with his left hand into right palm, smoke up pops, I gotta go, james said, taunting him, his father began to mumble something as he turned to look at his son and james swung the hammer, smashing his fathers forhead, killing him instantly. James felt a calmness come over him, as his father lay dead on the floor james sat back thinking, contemplating on where he would go next.

page 16

James pulls up to his fathers house and sees his truck in the driveway, he felt odd, anger and rage he had never felt before mixed with a calmness he had never known, he felt heartless and violent, with a smirk on his face, as he walked to the door he thought about how he tried to introduce his children to his fathers life, he lived not more than ten miles from his dad for the last eighteen years and had invited his father over many times and took his kids to see him but his father never came and james knew his father didn't even know his kids names, he never cared and never will , he thought to himself, what a piece of work he thought, when he approached the door and knocked he stepped back, and as he herd the door opening, without a thought he lifted his left foot and kicked the door as hard as he could, it slammed into his fathers face and knocked him to the ground, his father was stunned, he had no idea of who was even at the door, james seemed to be in no hurry, he stood outside for a few seconds listening to his father grunting and rolling around on the floor, then he pushed the door back open, looking down on his father, remember me, he said, staring down on him emotionless, he looks down on him and realizes, there are no questions to ask, he already knows the answers, he had always known the answers but he just didn't want to believe them, he grabs the end table next to the couch and raises it over his head and brings it down as hard as he can, shashing it into his fathers face, does that hurt you fucking piece of shit, I hope so, fuck you, james raises his foot and brings it down on the broken end table smashing his fathers face, was I not good enough for you to love, you left he alone as a child to fend for myself, alone, how could you, how could you leave your child alone in this uncaring world, what was wrong with me, I needed you, james raises his foot again and gives his father another blow to the face knocking him senseless, james , as calm as could be, walked to the kitchen and checked the fridge,he was hungry and filthy, but it was the beer that caught his eye, fuck breakfast, fuck life, he thought, a beer sounded real good, he took one out and pounded it, then grabbed another and went back to the living room where his father layed on the floor, he sat down and opened his second beer and looked down on his father, fuck you dad

page 15

James thinks about all the mistakes he has made and how is life would be so different if he had only had some type of guidance, someone to tell him he mattered, someone that showed him how to care and love by caring and loving him, he thought about how much money he had in his pocket and how much he just wanted to get high and forget everything, but thoughts of his father would not leave his mind, he felt nothing but hate and anger towards him, and he wanted answers, his father only lived a short five miles from the bridge that he was under, get high or pay a visit, the choice was easy, to daddies house he went. He began to work his way through the weeds and back over the fence to his stolen car, when he got to the car he began to look through the cds on the visor, metallica, and justice for all was the first one he saw, he put it in and went straight to dyers eve, and turned it up as loud as it would go, put the car in drive and headed for his fathers house to ask why. He remembered this song from his teenage years, it hit home for him and as it played the thought of getting high was replaced with rage, as he listens to the song playing his emotions seem to be gone, nothing but hatred remains in his mind for his father, a deep hatred that he has pushed down his hole life.