north dakota

wow i dont even know where to begin i do know im very happy to be writing again, ive missed it alot, i have gone up and down quite a bit these last couple of years  and lived in five different states some of them twice, i was pretty much duffle baggin it and stayin on couches, stayin clean for a month or two but i always seem to find my way back to gettin high, and im usually pretty good at hiding for a month or two till pretty soon i gotta start borrowing money cause i cant put gas in my car, i am amazed that i have been able to live as long as i have jumping back and forth across that line and i am sure that most of the people that i grew up with or met on the way most likely thought i would have been dead or homeless at this point in my life, and to be honest with u im just as surprized as those who know me, i believe when i first started writing this thing it saved my life, i cant really explain how, but i know it did, i needed to write to remind myself how deceptive it is on the other side and how quickly i get lost over there, i ended up moving to north dakota on an over night descision rite around january first, not really knowing what to expect and not really having a job lined up, and when i got there i wanted to go home, the wind chill was seventy one below and i was up there in my carrhart work jacket and no gloves or beanie and not enough money left to buy the stuff i needed, i really thought out of all the stupid things i had done this had to top the list and i knew my borrowing  and never payin people back had taken its toll on anyone and everyone that i could possibly call for help, but i had to call and ask anyway, i had no choice, i was here and i was stuck, and this huge mistake that i had thought i made has taken my life to a level i have never known, ive been up here goin on eight months,i finally for the first time in my life have my own place that feels like home my income is through the roof and my bills are lower than they have ever been and i havent wanted to get high in a very long time, i am truely blessed i hope to do alot more writing and my cousin and i are doing a small film project in september of this year, to anyone out there that i have let down , misled or taken advantage of  i hope you know that when i say that i am sorry it is sincere, i work every day at trying to be a better more patient and understanding person, im very happy to be back on here and hopefully it will bring some knowledge and inspiration to someone who needs it, james
,

thanksgiving

Today is a wonderful day,  its thanksgiving and I am so happy to be able to spend time with my daughter Hilary and my granddaughter daah,  don't get me wrong, I wish I could be with all o my children, my son Michael and his wonderful  girlfriend ambrea and their child, my newest grandchild, lilliana, and I would love to see my son Dylan, who is in san diego working, or my son Harley, and his daughter, alissa, and I would also like to be spending time with my son Russell,  or even my mother and two sisters in verginia, but I eel in my heart im right where im supposed to be, I feel love in the air and the comort of family, I truly feel this is one o the best thanksgivings I can remember, best wishes to everyone out there, happy thanksgiving and please, don't orget how to love, james

wow

 

It seems the more I want to do good, the harder I fall, as doors open, I slam them shut, im so confused, I know I am capible of unemaginable hieghts, but it seems I punch myself in the face everytime im about to sucseed, I am unable to control my own life and end up in situations where I am dependend on others and end up doing for them instead of me, I feel I am getting weaker the closer I get to sucsess, is it a crazy notion to think that maybe I am being attact by demons, wow that sounds crazy, but im not sure if it is, I believe im a pretty intellegent guy but you wouldnt think it by the mistakes I continue to make, I have some huge dreams that I would like to see become reality, and I do believe that one day I will see them come true, but I need jesus to send as much help as possible because theres no way I can do it on my own, im asking you jesus, I

know who you are and what you stand for, snatch me up by the back of my neck and carry me in the right direction, help me strive for the goals that I aim to meet, after all, they are in your name, james

start living

 

Today is more than just another day for me, it seems like I have gotten really good at just getting by, I am beginning to see this pattern in my life that has to change, Ive pulled myself out of a hole so many times it seems easy so theirs not much fear of going back down, the pattern that I am beginning to see is that once im out and on level ground I get comfortable and the motivation to start climbing even higher seems to fade away, I seem to think im doing just fine and do just enough to get by with all these goals in my mind and I continiously tell myself I will start them tomorrow, we all know tomorrow never comes, so I live on this level ground for a while until I start losing hope and giving up on my dreams only to fall flat on my face and then I have to start this hole routine over again, im tired of just getting by and I know I dont want to fall flat on my face, so today I am making a concious decision to go forward instead of backwards,

unknown

Unknown

I seem to be at a very scary point in my life, any grasp of hope has drained from my heart, I don't know what is wrong with me, I want to be loved and be able to love others but my heart feels empty, the thought of some type of happiness seems to stay just out of reach and for the first time in my life I feel to tired to chase life, all the opportunities are there for me, I just cant seem to stop stepping on my own toes, its like if I fell myself start to smile I smack myself in the face, I cant get ahead without self destructing, I have never felt so alone in this world, and at the same time felt like crawling farther down in the hole, for the first time in my life I am seeing how alone I actually am and im not sure how to deal with it, if I wasn't clinging on to what little hope I can see but is just out of my reach, any reason for living would be completely erased from my mind, this is not a cry for help, just the honest facts of what I am living with and trying to get through, james

the book of james anew, page 8

The book of James anew, page 8

I feel pretty good about the direction I am headed in, I believe when it comes to church and religion you really have to do your homework before you just jump on board some ones band wagon, I believe I've made giant leaps over this past week, trying to choose the exact direction I want my life to go in is going to take years, I have an opportunity to change who I was into what I want to be, we all do, I guess its about having the confidence to believe enough in your decisions to stand behind them and not be misled by others, this may sound off to you but it makes total since to me, he who screams Jesus the loudest should not be trusted, you know the type, Jesus and god and prayer is every other word in every sentence, and you cant get a word in edge wise, I believe if someone truly wants to be more Christ like, they take action without screaming it to the world, if god is in all of us, then everything we do is already in his name, its time we started making a difference for the ones who need it, not for ourselves, make a difference quietly, those who need the help are ashamed enough, so help them quietly, and let other peoples smiles fill your heart with love, James

the book of james anew, page seven

The book of james anew, page seven, well I went to a Nazareth church today, and I will have to say, I found the worship very uncomfortable, the people were very nice and inviting, and the surmon was good, but the singing, I don't know what it is but it makes me very uncomfortable, I looked around and I was happy about what I saw, people looked sincerely happy, enjoying every moment of what was going on, complete bliss on some of there faces, and I am not saying it is wrong, but for me it just doesn't feel right, I felt awkward and out of place, like these people were fooling themselves, not by a false god, but by a false belief, at this point in my knowledge of god, there is no way I would ever want anyone to take what I say to heart, im trying to learn and figure this hole thing out, I want to understand how people can stand and put all there faith in the unknown, its not like I don't believe in god, because I do, im just not sure I believe in what this world believes to be worship, sitting around in a church singing songs really doesn't make much since to me when you could be organizing on how to clean up your neighborhood, or feeding the homeless in your community, funding for trips over seas doesn't make sence to me when we have so much work to do right here in our own back yards, I will continue to go to different churches, but honestly im afraid I will continue to see the same thing, denomination doesn't seem to matter, why are our churches not focused on there communities, they are so close and the cost is much less to service your neighbor than someone two states over, I believe in god and jesus, and I am starting to believe bible study is much more important than worship, as I read the bible I have found no flaws, only maturity, education on love, and I don't just mean man and woman, I mean father and son, friendship, guidance emotional maturity, its rough learning all that stuff by trial and error, in my honest opinion, I have no faith in the church system, im not saying I don't believe in those who go, im saying people should step back and reevaluate the churches they go to and make the apropreate changes to make them

the book of james anew, page six

　

I am just starting to realize how many different denominations of church there is, its very confusing, a person could probably spend his hole life studying all the different types of churches and the beliefs they follow, and who is to say which one will get you to heaven, isn't that the goal, to get to heaven, that's what the majority of churches teach, my heart tells me that is wrong, I don't believe I should live a certain way in this life just to try to get to the next, I believe in god, and I think that he would want me to love, to show love, to care for and about others, to take a chance in this life no matter what the concequences are, chase what your heart tells you, I am a true believer in no good deed goes unpunished, but that will not sway me, I will take the punishment to feel right in my heart. I have something else to set in stone, I am ashamed and descrased by the general population of churches, but that will not sway my belief in god and jesus and what he stood for, I feel I am on the right path, I will not allow people to confuse me with what is acceptable in todays society, I will believe in what is in my heart and mind, I will find who I am and what gods plans for me are in this life, james

the book of james anew, page five

The book of james anew, page five

It seems lately I am having a very hard time writing what is on my mind, over the past couple of years I feel I have grown immensely, my hole life has been about right now, I have never really tried to pursue any dreams or put goals into motion, as far as that goes, I have never really set any goals for myself, things always just seem to fall in place enough for me to get by, but that is not enough for me any more.

I was talking to a friend the other night about a goal that I would like to achieve, she seems to be a very smart woman who has overcome many things in her life and she lives for god, she had me in tears in no time, filling me full of inspiration and hope, taking away my self doubt, she talked about a business plan, sitting down and writing out how to put my goal in motion, I felt alive, ready to concur the world, but it didn't take long once the phone call ended for me to feel lost once again, and that's when I realized, I have no idea who I am or what I believe in, I need a life plan , I need to find what it is I believe in, and put it in stone, Im realizing that I have adapted to so many other peoples believes that I have no idea what mine truly are, I do know one thing without a boubt, I know I believe in god, james

Thank you very much sheri, without caring people like you I would be real close to falling flat on my face

the book of james anew, page four

The book of james anew page four

I am beginning to realize that without some type of direction in my life I will continue living in this confused state of mind, I feel like im stuck on the ground floor of life, I see all kinds of doors to open, I just cant seem to pick one, I know I believe in the idea of Christianity, it seems to go with what is in my heart, but I cant wrap my mind around church, and as I talk to more and more people and get there opinions about church it continues to add to my confusion, I believe in the idea of church but i feel that the majority of churches are basically companies, with employees, so how does a person, like myself, who feels god in his heart, I know that he is with me, I cannot explain it, I just do, I feel like I have no where to go for answers, id like to think I could go to church for some guidance but for some reason I feel that the majority of churches have blinders on to any other agenda that is not there own, to me that doesn't seem very godly so my trust in what direction they would like to point me in is not there. Its not that I want to distrust the church system, I just do, I would love to hear good opinions about church from regular people, I really feel like todays society has lost its way.

james

the book of james anew page three

The book of james anew, page three, I don't even know where to start, im so confused, im trying so hard to find my place in life but I have never felt this out of place before, I find myself just existing and unimportant to anyone or anything, I want to have a purpose but I am so unsure of my thoughts and what I want to believe that I feel like im in battle with myself to even continue existing, I want so bad to make a difference and be a part of something that changes our outlook on the human race, religion seems to be so touchy that people run the other way when you bring it up,I have read some of the bible and I see drunkards and prostitutes and theives and even murderers snatched up in faith and changing the world they lived in, I have put my faith in god and have decided to slow my life down and pay more attention to my actions and take more pride in who I am and how I live, but it seems since ive made these decisions, well I have never felt more alone or suicidal in my life, but I will not break my faith in god, I will reach farther down in my soul for the strength that he has instilled in me at birth, I will not be defeated by doubt, at times I wonder if im crazy because of my thoughts and what I believe, but then again whos to say whos crazy, should I worry about you judging me, or should I track down what I believe to be right and tackle it without a second thought. I want to live, and enjoy my life as I live, I know in my heart I will never find happiness working a nine to five and getting by with just paying the bills, I feel angry, upset and let down by god, but I believe that is human nature, and I believe it is time for me to show a little maturity and follow what is in my heart, to put my belief in something bigger than me, to chase happiness, and I believe Christianity to be right, I think it is a long road, but feeling good about who you are and caring for other people cant be wrong, I feel as if some force is trying to stomp out my soul, I will take this on faith that I am doing something right. james

the book of james anew, page 2

The book of James anew page two im sure alot of people are thinking ya right, now he found god, well the fact of the matter is, ive always had god with me, I just didn't know him, id like to say I know him now but I cant, I can say I know of him, and I am learning the ways of his son, I was baptized on easter but I will have you know there was no bolt of lightning or some sudden change in who I am, just a commitment to make suddle changes in my life, I will not be knocking on your door telling you to confess your sins or you will burn in hell, what I will be doing is reevaluating who I am and what really brings joy to ones heart, because I have been without any for what seems to be eternity, my goal is to mature, to gain wisdom, emotional wisdom, to learn how to be true to myself and all those I come in contact with, for me, to know that I have given to others unselfishly, makes me feel good, how can that be wrong, I feel very alone and kinda isolated, but I feel good about who I am and even better about where I am In my life and where im going, I want nothing more than my life to continue in this direction but I can feel myself dying without the interaction of others, I need all the support I can get, thanks, james

the book of james anew, page one

its been awhile since ive been here, my life has turned up side down once again, but it is what it is, the important thing i believe is to get back to what feels right, ive gone through some scary changes over the last two years and have been in some really dark places in my mind, but over the last three months or so i have been educated quite a bit about christianity, i have been baptized, and i have made a vow to god to become a better and stronger christian, i have never felt such forces working so hard against me, if not for the blind faith i have taken in the lord i would not believe he even existed,i have never felt such loneliness as i do at this point in my life, but my faith will stay unwaivering and i will know that i am in his grace, i will open the doors that he puts in front of me with no fear, only anticipation of what challenges he might have me face, and i will spend every moment searching for wisdom and maturity to handle all that is thrown at me, i am inspired by the word of god, james 

page 21

Page 21 james left his fathers house and went straight to hooterville, it was about one in the afternoon and there was plenty of people out selling drugs on every corner, it didn't even take five minutes and james was rolling out of the nieghborhood with another hundred dollars worth of crack in his hand, he heads for main street to find his next victim, he knows exactly what he is looking for, a woman that is beat down by life, a woman that is so hurt and scorn by others and her own doings that her life long goals she had as a child has turned to desperation, chasing a high to escape her feelings of pain and humiliation that she now brings on herself everyday by the life she lives, james thinks about his past and his life on drugs, how they ran his life, day after day he would get high trying to escape from his hurt, only to hurt twice as bad in the morning after realizing what he had done the night before to stay high, what a viscious cycle, it breaks you of all your hopes and dreams, and as its killing you, it deceives you so much all you can think about is more, your mind tells you it's the cure, james had been with many prostitutes, seeing them for who they really are, some ones daughter or sister, some poor girl that got off on the wrong track, alone and scared, eaten up and had been taken advantage by the truly wicked of this world, james had been around the block quite a bit and throughout his life he had seen much more than most, upper class, middle class, poor, and homeless, james had lived it all, to see the world through his eyes would amaze you, he was never quick to point a finger or judge, he was quick to make excuses for others bad behavior, james had seen so many different lifestyles and witnessed so many different levels of life that he was able to see right through the front that most people put on and read them for who they really were or what they were really about, james had a very positive outlook on even the worst of people, ignorance, it sounds like a mean word, but james didn't see it that way, to him it just meant you didn't know, you were uneducated, james didn't see selfishness or greed or hatred, he saw ignorance, people that just didn't know any better, he didn't see homeless or drug addiction, he saw pain and hurt, loneliness, he saw people who felt unloved and unwanted, chasing some type of an escape and doing ungodly things to catch it, deceived by a false hope of making it all go away, ignorant to the grave they are digging for themselves

page 20

When james thought about his past and how he had set himself up time and time again to be used by someone, or taken advantage of, to put his trust in someone only for them to turn and laugh in his face, he knew he had finally broken that pattern, he knew those days were over and there was nothing or no one that would ever hurt him again, the only emotions left were anger, lust and hate. He thought about going to hooterville for some drugs but for the first time in his life he felt a sence of control, sey he was going to go get some drugs but not to shield his pain but more to satify the lust on his mind, it was the first time he felt in control of his drug use, he no longer needed to escape the pain he had lived in for so long, it was just gone, he finally felt in control of his mind, and he seemed to thrive off of the anger he felt, this was so new to james, uncarred, a since of freedom from what he had thought to be right his hole life, he felt as though he had been freed from his shackles and it was time for all of those who had done him wrong to pay, and in his mind he could visualize each and every person paying what he believed to be there debt to him, he could only picture in his mind complete malice, he thought back on the last day and a half and smiled, there was no remorse or hurt for what he had done, only a since of gratification. This new sence of power felt great, and he wanted more. Lust and kaos were the only things on his mind, taking back all thet he had givin is all he could think about, fuck kindness and consideration, I want back what I have given to this fucked up world, and im gonna take it, he thinks to himself about all the hookers he had been with through out his life, and why he was with them, he seemed to have this need to be close to someone, anyone, some type of intimacy, it was never about the sex, it was about feeling close to someone, a bond, or some type of connection, but time and time again, those wants were never satisfied, and the end result always ending up in disappointment. Those feelings of loneliness and insecurity have completely left his mind and have been replaced with vicsious and malice thoughts of seduction for his own angry pleasures, in his mind he thought about all the drug whores he had been with and how they had always manipulated him out of his drugs, never giving him what he needed, it was his time now, and in his mind he could see himself at a hotel with a whore feeding her drugs, but this time would be different, he wasn't chasing emotion, he was chasing domination, and he would take and make her do what ever he wanted.

page 19

Thoughts of god comes to his mind, how he had talked to him and thanked him on almost a daily basis, even though james didn't go to church he had always believed in god and new that he was being watched over, he new that something was responsible for keeping him alive through all that he had lived through in his life, there was something that pushed him to care, to believe in this self centered selfish fucked up world he lived in, he had made a lot of bad decisions in his time but he always carried the guilt and remorse that came with them, and it always fell back on drugs, getting high was far from recreational for james, it was a way out, an escape from his own mind that seemed to torment him, feelings of guilt for the wrongs that he had done always haunted him even though he had always tried to right his wrongs when his mind was clear enough to think straight, life just seemed to be to much for him to handle, he felt confused and felt he was weak compared to the people he always seemed to be surrounded by, he was always willing to give and that seemed to draw people to him that were willing to take, and take they did, he always seemed to have lots of friends, always needing him to help with something or fix something and james was always willing to help with the best of intentions but some how it seemed things always got turned around and there was always a finger pointing back at james as if he had done something wrong, he knew for a long time this was his weakness, letting people take from him, letting people use him, many times he thought of trying to be more like other people, more cold and calous towards other peoples feelings but this was not who james was, his heart wouldn't let him purposely take advantage of others, his mind wouldn't let him use people as they consistently used him, james often thought of some of his favorite artists that had overdosed on drugs, like Janis Joplin, jimi Hendrix, jim morrison, kurt cobain, and the lead singer of sublime, james thought of these people quite often and how different they were than most people and he felt that he was a lot like them, he knew none of them died while enjoying life, they died trying to kill there pain, they died trying to ease there mind of the hurt they felt and the pain they saw on a daily basis in this world, james spent a lot of time thinking of these people and the struggles they had lost and it had helped him live on in his own pains and struggles with life, he would often listen to all of these artists and find himself crying for them, believing he could feel there pain and knowing he was still living with the same struggles that had killed them, even though james was on drugs most of his life he was still alive so he had always believed he was winning.

page 18

He takes a good look at himself and realizes he needs to clean up, so he starts tearing through his fathers drawers searching for some clean clothes that might fit him. He finally finds something to change into and starts the shower, as he empties his pockets he counts out about four hundred dollars and a power ball ticket, the ticket seems irrelevant to him but he had never thrown an old ticket away until he bought a new one so the ticket stayed with the four hundred dollars cash that he had. James took his time getting cleaned up all the while thinking of where his life should go from here, thinking was the last thing he wanted to do, all he wanted to do was leave his mind, escape, he headed to his fathers fridge and grabbed what beer was left inside, about eight beers in a twelve pack, he grabbed the twelve pack and headed for the living room, turned on the tv, sitting about five feet from his father dead on the floor, he watched tv, putting beers back as quick as he could open them until he was able to pass out. James was out for two or three hours and as he started to wake he knew he didn't want to, he wanted it to be over, he wanted to die as he had for many years but knew he couldn't do it himself. He tried and tried to go back to sleep but it just wasn't happenning, he was so angry at so many people and as he thought about his life and how it should have been, his anger seemed to grow, his mother came to mind and it was a quick decision, he would pay a visit to her next, she lived a long way from where he was but that didn't matter, he felt she held a huge responsibility in why he was the way he was, it was time for her to explain to him, why she couldn't and didn't care for him like she did all of her other children, why he was worth less than his brothers and sisters seemed to be a puzzle to him, he was a loving and caring child that tried so hard to do what was right, he just wanted to make everyone else happy, and he tried so hard but it never seemsd to matter. As he begins to sober up he knows its time to leave, his mother lived over five hundred miles away and he new there was no way he would last another ten hours living in his mind without drugs to ease the pain. Hooterville was less than five miles away, time to go get some crack and beer for the road. The police seemed to be no concern to james, they had to be looking for him, but it was the last thing on his mind, he had avoided the police most of his life and knew there wasn't much to it, always look them in the eyes when your talking to them and never look nervous, james had done this for years and had no problem dealing with them, in fact, it kind of gave him a rush to talk his way out of situation after situation.

page 17

No child should have been treated the way you treated me, how many times did I get pushed off on someone else dad, lets count, flintstone georgia till I was four, then point loma, California, then penosquitos, California, flintstone georgia, hillcrest, California, clairmont california, Daytona beach, florida, back to clairmont, to a different house, another new neighborhood, just in time to move again to another new neighborhood, in Escondido California, then to el cajon California, then to lemon grove California, back to point loma with his grand parents, then to lemon grove California, back to florida, a new town once again, port orange, which ended up in juvinile hall, then back to lemon grove, to foster care. James sits next to his father, looking down on him, his nose broken and a gash from his hair line to his nose, one of his eye sockets filling with blood, james nudges his fathers ear with the tip of his shoe, can you fucking hear he dad, looks like that shit hurts dad, I fucking hope so, but were not done yet dad, I just want you to know I no longer give a fuck, I don't care if you like me, I don't care if you aprove of how I live, as a matter of fact dad, I don't give a fuck about anything anymore, especially you, james thinks about his father, how he had loved him, he had chased his fathers appoval for over forty years, he needed so bad to be loved by his family, someone to tell him he mattered, someone to actually care about him, worry about him, show some type of concern, but as he looked down on his father, he knew he would never get it from him, how could this man bear a child and throw his child to the wolves, and blame that child when he fails, thoughts of remorse had been slowly working into his mind but as he thinks of his youth, what he had lived through, no one to turn to, his remorse was squashed quickly, he felt surreal, a violent anger mixed with calmness, it was a high he had never known, he had never felt such callus in all his life, he felt nothing for his father but hate, he felt nothing for rules and regulations, law didn't matter, the wrath of god didn't matter, james had never felt so right about doing something so wrong. As calm as could be, james lit a cigerette and put it in his dads mouth, smoke up, its your last one mother fucker, he got up and walked to the laundry room of his fathers house, he new it was where his dad kept his tools, he looked around until he found a hammer and went back to the living room where his father was laid out on the floor, james sat down next to him with his legs crossed, Indian style swinging the hammer with his left hand into right palm, smoke up pops, I gotta go, james said, taunting him, his father began to mumble something as he turned to look at his son and james swung the hammer, smashing his fathers forhead, killing him instantly. James felt a calmness come over him, as his father lay dead on the floor james sat back thinking, contemplating on where he would go next.

page 16

James pulls up to his fathers house and sees his truck in the driveway, he felt odd, anger and rage he had never felt before mixed with a calmness he had never known, he felt heartless and violent, with a smirk on his face, as he walked to the door he thought about how he tried to introduce his children to his fathers life, he lived not more than ten miles from his dad for the last eighteen years and had invited his father over many times and took his kids to see him but his father never came and james knew his father didn't even know his kids names, he never cared and never will , he thought to himself, what a piece of work he thought, when he approached the door and knocked he stepped back, and as he herd the door opening, without a thought he lifted his left foot and kicked the door as hard as he could, it slammed into his fathers face and knocked him to the ground, his father was stunned, he had no idea of who was even at the door, james seemed to be in no hurry, he stood outside for a few seconds listening to his father grunting and rolling around on the floor, then he pushed the door back open, looking down on his father, remember me, he said, staring down on him emotionless, he looks down on him and realizes, there are no questions to ask, he already knows the answers, he had always known the answers but he just didn't want to believe them, he grabs the end table next to the couch and raises it over his head and brings it down as hard as he can, shashing it into his fathers face, does that hurt you fucking piece of shit, I hope so, fuck you, james raises his foot and brings it down on the broken end table smashing his fathers face, was I not good enough for you to love, you left he alone as a child to fend for myself, alone, how could you, how could you leave your child alone in this uncaring world, what was wrong with me, I needed you, james raises his foot again and gives his father another blow to the face knocking him senseless, james , as calm as could be, walked to the kitchen and checked the fridge,he was hungry and filthy, but it was the beer that caught his eye, fuck breakfast, fuck life, he thought, a beer sounded real good, he took one out and pounded it, then grabbed another and went back to the living room where his father layed on the floor, he sat down and opened his second beer and looked down on his father, fuck you dad

page 15

James thinks about all the mistakes he has made and how is life would be so different if he had only had some type of guidance, someone to tell him he mattered, someone that showed him how to care and love by caring and loving him, he thought about how much money he had in his pocket and how much he just wanted to get high and forget everything, but thoughts of his father would not leave his mind, he felt nothing but hate and anger towards him, and he wanted answers, his father only lived a short five miles from the bridge that he was under, get high or pay a visit, the choice was easy, to daddies house he went. He began to work his way through the weeds and back over the fence to his stolen car, when he got to the car he began to look through the cds on the visor, metallica, and justice for all was the first one he saw, he put it in and went straight to dyers eve, and turned it up as loud as it would go, put the car in drive and headed for his fathers house to ask why. He remembered this song from his teenage years, it hit home for him and as it played the thought of getting high was replaced with rage, as he listens to the song playing his emotions seem to be gone, nothing but hatred remains in his mind for his father, a deep hatred that he has pushed down his hole life.

page 14

He thinks about the constant trips back and forth, California, Tennessee, California, florida, was it ever gonna end, every time, a new town and a new school, trying to fit in once again with new kids, always feeling on the outside of the circle trying to find a way in, he tries to figure out how he got through it all, where is god now, he seemed to be there, throughout his life, he cant remember how god got into his life, but he knows with all his heart he was there, a part of him, he had watched over james through all his mishaps, he had helped him through all of his hurts, he had picked him up, brushed him off, and sent him on his way every time james fell flat on his face, at least that's what he had believed until last night, where did this faith that seemed to be so strong come from, and where did it go, he never went to church, was he just born with it, he never felt afraid of god, even when he was at his worst, because he felt he was pure in his heart, all of his crimes were against himself, mostly drug addiction, always trying to erase the hurt that seem to live within him, either way, god was gone, james could no longer feel any hope of a better life, compation for others, gone, his spirit for life was completely broken, and only anger remained. He thought about all of the people he had known over the years, all the people he wanted to care about him, why didn't they, what was wrong with him, as he sits and thinks about the god he had thought looked after him his hole life and felt blinded by hate, angry that god had cursed him with a life of lonelyness and hurt, he had made him over emotional and weak, god had left him wide open to be a victim to the worlds ways, and gave him enough faith to let it happen over and over and over again,

page 13

Page 13 as james sat and thought about that moment, about how let down he felt, his dreams and visions of his future and how it was going to be, completely crushed, his memory seemed to go blank, he tried as hard as he could to remember his past but it was just gone, only little bits and pieces came to him, like getting in trouble on his birthday and being sent to his room in the middle of his party, he couldn't remember why, what did he do wrong, he couldn't even remember what birthday it was, but he did remember thinking about tying sheets together and climbing out his bedroom window which was on the second floor, he remembers thoughts of running away, feelings of humiliation and embarrassment running through his mind, kids he barely new watched his father yell at him and punish him, he couldn't have been more than seven, but he new he didn't want to be there, and his father and step mother didn't want him there either, he sat next to the creek and felt his anger growing, thinking about his youth, it seemed like such a blur, just bits and pieces seem to come to mind, and none of them seemed to be good, like the time he was getting on the school bus and his knee caught a girls dress, the girl screamed at him, accusing james of pulling up her dress, james had no idea of what was going on or why he was getting yelled at, he barely knew any of these kids, all he was trying to do was draw as less attention to himself as possible, the bus driver snatched him up like he had just killed a dog or something, he tried to explain that he didn't do anything wrong, he was just walking by the girl and her dress must of caught on his knee, but the driver wasn't buying it, he continued to accuse james of malicious behavior, he was devastated, trying to argue his point got him nowhere, and he was not allowed to ride the bus for a week, his father was furious, grounding him and not even wanting to hear his side of what happened, he felt alone, if his own father wouldn't believe him, who would. He thinks about his childhood, his parents, and how they were not there for him, and his anger seems to grow, he tries to remember good times but there are none, only memories of being alone, he cant even remember leaving his fathers and going back to California, no memories of a plane trip or even his mother welcoming him home, nothing but bits and pieces of childhood, sparse memories that didn't seem that significant to him, weren't children supposed to have memories, there mother and father loving them and caring about them, teaching them the way of life, morals and values, right from wrong, how to love and how to be loved. He thinks about the next three or for years of his life, how he ached to be loved, he cried out for it, he screamed for it, but in his mind all he can remember was always being someones pain in the ass,

His parents always seem to be so preoccupied with life james just didn't seem to factor in, he felt that he just wasn't important in the sceme of things, both of his parents semm to have so much going on that he was always left on his own, left to find his own way, quickly learning how to deal with people and situations, how to push down emotions and hide how he felt,

page 12

He realizes there is no way he could go out into public looking like such a mess and blood all over him. Under the overpass is a creek, but its about twenty yards down a steep embankment which is over grown with bryors and shrubbery, but he has no choice, he begins to scale the steep hill, pulling the thorns off of him as he descends, and finally making it to the creek, his shirt was the first thing he started to clean, bloody handprints smeared across it, but they had set, not coming out, he sits at the waterside, stairing into it, his mind racing, trying to come up with answers, solutions, anything that could possibly erase all of his actions from the day before, but their were none. He began to cry out loud, and started thinking about his life, what did he have to live for, he had struggled to be happy his hole life but it hasn't happened in forty one years, and after last night, just the thought of it, he knew it would never happen for him, searching for some type of escape his mind went back to when he was six, thinking about going to see his father. He remembers his mother walking him on the plane, tears in his eyes, feeling anxious and scared at the same time, he loved his mother, his heart broke for her, he felt as if she would fall apart the minute he left. But that was not the case, she couldn't deal with him and wanted him gone. As he sat on the plane and thought about his dad, a smile came across his face that he could not remove, he thought about his dad and how wonderful it would feel to be loved, to be special, to be important to someone, his anxiety was going away and the smile on his face seemed to grow and grow, if that was even possible. By the time the plane landed in Tennessee james could not stop smiling, thinking about how his life was going to change, he was going back home, where he had lived the first for years of his life, he thought about the shows that he watched, those families that loved each other, cared for each other, it was finally going to happen for him, as he walked off the plane and looked for his father and did not see him, he began to get scared, feeling more alone than he had ever known, then, out of nowhere his dad was in front of him, he ran to him and tried to hug him but before he could get his arms around him his father stopped him, pushing him back, theirs someone I want you to meet son, he said, and a very young pregnant woman stepped forward, hi, my name is peggy, im your daddies girlfriend, james felt tension the minute his father pushed him away, and he could feel this woman not wanting him here, all of his joy and happiness he felt to see his father immediately faded, he felt alone, and scared.

page 11

He puts the car in drive and heads for west Chattanooga, it had been a year since he had been in that neighborhood, but the last thing he wanted right now was to feel, and he was starting to sober up. He had quit doing drugs a year ago thinking his life would change, that happiness would surely come around, but that was not the case, it seemed the longer he stayed clean the lonelier he felt. He had tried so hard to love and find love but it seems all he could find was rejection, drugs seem to be the only cure, a way for him to ease his pain, slow his mind down and shut off his emotions, the only way to forget the hurt he felt, and that is how he has survived and lived since the age of twelve. Amazingly hope had never left his mind that he would find someone that truly cared for him, that appreciated him and wanted to be with him, but through his year of sobriety, having to feel, to deal with not being good enough for anyone to love, not being special like he truly believed in his heart that he was, realizing that he could die tomorrow and nobody would care, so why should he, he was headed for crack town to ease his mind. As he rolled into the neighborhood, he felt like it was only yesterday that he was here, he had been coming down here for about fifteen years and had bought drugs from probably just about everyone in the area that sold them, he was well known down here and even after a year it only took him about a minute to find a dealer and score a couple hundred dollars worth of crack. He knew exactly where he was going to go, there was a freeway overpass not a quarter mile away, he had spent many nights out there when his wife used to get mad at him and kick him out of the house, which seemed to happen weekly throughout his eighteen years of marriage. There were always a few homeless people sleeping down there but they always kept to themselves. There was a side road that brought him within a couple hundred yards of the overpass, he drove down it, parked his new car and began to walk, looking for an empty can as he walked to smoke his crack out of, he had to jump one fence and trample through some brush and then he was finally there, the only thing on his mind was getting high, nothing else seemed to matter, james noticed two homeless men sitting about thirty yards away and hoped they were not fool enough to say a word to him, he lit a cigarette and started making a pipe out of the can he found, he needed ashes from his smoke to put on the can and he couldn't make them fast enough, he had never wanted to get high as bad as he did right now, he broke off a big piece and put it on the can, and began to hit it, he felt an instant calmness until one of the men said something, they could see he was getting high and they wanted some, you gonna share, one of them said, james set his can down and got up and walked over to them, as he walked up, they were still sitting, james was just about standing over them and they could see what looked like blood, splattered on his face, arms, and his shirt where he had wiped his hands, his knuckles cut open, james looked down on them and calmly said I am going to go back over there and get high, and your not going to say another fucking word to me, if you think you are going to rob me of my dope, you are sadly mistaken because I will put both of you in your graves, you fucking hear me, james waited for an answer and got none, I said do you fucking hear me, answer me. Even though both of the men were drunk they new crazy when they saw it, and they were seeing it, one of the men said to james, we didn't mean no harm, go have your fun, we"ll leave you alone, without a word, james turned and went back to where he set his can down and proceeded to take hit after hit after hit. He went through two hundred dollars worth of crack in about an hour and a half, when he was out of drugs, he curled up in the fetal position in the dirt and rocked back and forth till he finally fell asleep

page 10

And that's when he noticed the two men approaching him, they were coming from the car that was directly in front of his truck, one of them identified himself as a police officer but he was not wearing a uniform and looked a little young to be a cop but james was not caring about any of that, as they approached, he thought about the gun sitting in his truck, he turned calmly to his passenger door and opened it, the gun lying on the seat, he picked it up and turned to the men approaching him, he was not familiar with guns at all, as a matter of fact, he knew nothing about them at all. Where the safety is or if it even had one, he didn't even know what kind of gun he had in his hand, but one thing he did know, if the gun didn't work, he would use it to beat the men coming at him to death. James waited till one of the men was about three feet from him and raised the gun from his side and said im already dead, how bout you, put the gun in the mans face, and pulled the trigger, the gun went off, shredding through the mans face, the man never even having time to react, falling back on his friend that was two steps behind him. The second man, witnessed the whole thing but could not believe what had just happened, james looked at him, and without hesitation, he he said your turn, and fired the gun once again, the man to scared to move was shot right through his throat. James was aiming at his face but it was the first time he had held a hand gun, he watched as the second man fall, slamming his head into the ground, grasping at his throat as he fought to breathe, james shouted at him, should've minded your own fucking business. James turned his attention back to the car he was trying to steal and saw that it was empty, know one to be seen, and other cars were starting to drive off in fear of what was going on, he walked to the car, got in, checked the fuel gauge to see three quarters of a tank, and after all that had just happened, knowing he had gas eased his mind. James had many dreams of violence and murder throughout his adult life, some of them seeming so real he had actually lived in fear for weeks after, believing they might have actually happened, but in his dreams he woke up scared, fearing that he might of hurt someone, this was real and he seemed to be enjoying it, anger seemed to continue to grow in his mind if that even seems possible, either way, it was happening, and james seemed to want more..

page 9

As he approaches a red light his truck runs out of gas, He breaks from his thoughts of youth and anger seeps back into his mind, his thoughts go back to the violence he has just committed, he feels numb and uncaring, the fear of god and the caring thoughts of humanity no longer exist in his mind, he feels as if he has had enough of this world and what it has to offer. As he coasts to the red light, he begins to car shop, not looking at who or how many people are in the cars around him, but which car he liked. An easy target was the last thing on his mind, he seemed to be looking confrontation, for someone to challenge him, for someone to take his life, get it over with, send him to hell, where he felt he belonged. As he rolled up to the light, about ten cars at a stop, james spots a nice newer malabu, white with tented windows, he thought about how tired he was of driving a piece of junk, and how nice it would be to have a nice car, with power under the hood, ac and heat. He thought about all the kids he saw driving around in new cars, he had worked so hard all his life and had nothing to show for it, he didn't even own the truck he was driving, his boss had loaned it to him so he could get to work, as he rolls to a stop he throws his truck in park and opens the door and walks around his truck to the passenger side, opens the drivers door of the Malibu and grabs the young man in the drivers seat by his hair with both hands, he tries to yank the man from the car but he had his seatbelt fastened, james pulled at the man until he had two clumps of hair in his hands, the man screaming in shock and agony, james begins to swing violently at his face, get the fuck out of the car, he yells as he continuously beats the man in his face with his left hand, his right hand grasping another handful of hair, he sees a woman sitting in the passenger seat and two children sitting in the back, james lets go of the man and says to him very calmly, if you don't get the fuck out of this car ill kill you, rape your wife, and make your children watch, and then kill them, a much larger man than james and a lot younger, was terrified, he reached for his seatbelt and unbuckled it, the woman in the passenger seat was doing the same, she through her door open and reached for her kids, james punching the man in his face as he came out of the drivers seat, knocking him to the ground.

page 8

Even though he had spent a lot of time with his sister, the two of them having to fend for themselves, he never seemed to feel that brother sister bond, it just wasn't there, is there something wrong with me he thought, James tries to think of happy times but can only remember spending time alone, and it seemed when he did see his mother she was always in a bad mood or so tired she went straight to bed, even though James had spent the first five or six years of his life everyday with his sister he could not place memories of the two of them together in his mind no matter how hard he tried. He felt in his heart he was special and couldn't understand why his family didn't seem to think so. Then he got the news, his mother was sending him back to Tennessee to see his father, he had not seen him in almost two years, he was so happy, he had missed his dad and felt like maybe that's where he belonged, he knew his mother wanted to love him but for some reason she just couldn't. he had herd his parents argueing on the phone but could never make out what they were arguing about but in his mind he believed his father was fighting for him and his mom didn't want him to go, he dreamed of his mother holding on to him, not wanting him to go like he had seen on so many television shows, he had this picture of a perfect loving family in his mind, dad playing catch and mom helping him with his homework, eating meals together, smiles and hugs, but this was not his reality, he thought of seeing his father and how special it would be, finally someone would love him and want him around. As he thought about leaving thoughts of his mother filled his mind, he loved her and felt scared of being away from her, even though he was unhappy and felt she was to, he had adapted to this way of life and was starting to feel secure, he felt like his mother needed him and he was about to abandon her, he felt so guilty and worried for his mother he begged her to let him stay, but she refused. Little did he know the arguments between his mother and father were not about who got to keep him, they were about who had to take him. For the next two days James could do nothing but worry about his mother, over ridden with guilt, picturing her in his mind, crying herself to sleep, wanting her son to be home with her.

page 7

He had never seen his mother so upset and angry, at least not that he could remember, he covered his head with a blanket and cried his self to sleep, as quietly as he could, feeling afraid of his mother for the first time in his life. James was afraid to speak for the rest of the two day drive, ending in san diego California, where his grandparents lived. Unsure of what was going on or where he was, and why he had not seen his father in days, but the lashing he took in the car and the fear and hurt that he felt was fresh in his mind so he did not dare ask any questions. As he met his grandparents for the first time he was couscous but warmed up to them quickly, they were hugging and kissing him, wanting to talk to him, it seemed he had there full attention, his mind felt at ease quickly and a sense of comfort came to him, he felt important, all of the attention seemed to be on him and thoughts of his mother and father left his mind quickly. who are these people he thought, but he didn't care, he felt loved. But this was short lived, the visits seemed to get shorter and farther apart, and it seemed like only months until James, his sister and mother moved again, and the visits stopped. His mother working all the time to support two children on her own, had no choice but to leave her children unattended most of the time, free to roam the neighborhood, free to make choices five and seven year olds should not be allowed to make. James always seemed to have a positive attitude, always smiling and going out of his way to help others, always seeking some type of recognition, needing others to tell him he was special, chasing the way he felt when he met his grandparents but never seeming to find it. He started spending time with the man that lived below them, about fifty five or sixty years old, over weight and in a wheelchair, James would talk to him for what seemed like hours every day and as they became friends James began to spend time with this man inside his apartment, helping him do things, getting him drinks and cleaning up for him, he felt like he had a friend, the man was nice and said nice things, making James feel good about who he was, until one day the man did the unthinkable, he talked James into giving him oral sex, James barely even five years old and not wanting to lose his knew friend did what he was asked, but knew it was wrong, he was afraid, and felt ashamed, he did not want anyone to know, so he never told a soul, he felt betrayed by a man he thought cared about him, so he never went to the mans apartment again, and would even avoid going home if the man was sitting outside.

page 6

He awakes in the back seat of a station wagon, his sister still sleeping and his mother sobbing hysterically as the car speeds down the road. He had spent the first four years of his life in flintstone georgia, and that would be the longest time he would ever stay in one spot again until he passes the age of twenty, james seemed to be a very intelligent child, his emotions and feelings running on overtime. As he sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes, mind reeling from his memory of the night before, he looked to see his mother sobbing, crying hysterically, but even at the young age of four he knew there was nothing he could say, he already knew his place, he had never felt love from his mother, like he belonged with her or was special to her, he felt more of a nuisance, a burden, maybe even the cause of all the chaos he has witnessed at such a young age, he feels alone and insecure, unwanted, he tries to erase the thought of being the root of the problem and attempts to comfort his mother, digging for some type of comfort for himself at the same time, searching for a sense of belonging, to know that through all this chaos he is loved and special to someone meant everything, but that is not how this scenario played out, his mother was hurt, angry and scorned, the damage she was about to cause was the last thing on her mind, shut the fuck up and sit down, I fucking hate you, you and your father, I don't want to hear a word from you until I speak to you, you fucking little pain in my ass, not a fucking word, James sat back in his seat, feeling scared and alone, feeling unwanted and as is if he was the problem, his parents seemed to love his older sister but he could do no right, know matter how hard he tried to gain love and acceptance from them, he failed.

page 5

Stunned and amazed at what just happened, his mind was going a thousand miles an hour, as he pulled out of the bar, he could barely make a decision on which way to turn, where to go or what to do, he was at a complete loss. He turned towards Chattanooga and started down the road, his mind still in shock, these actions were the complete opposite of how james lived his life, what he believed in, he had always cared so much for others around him, even people he did not know. As he was driving down the road he tried to think about how he got here, what led him to such hatred and violence, why did his hope for life die, it always seemed to be so strong, unbreakable, he thinks about when he was a child, remembering when he was two or three playing with his evil knievil motorcycle and running down the hall of his house with a cape around his neck pretending he was batman, those seem to be the most joyest moments he can remember out of forty one years out of life. Never seeing the way of the world and the wickedness that lives withen it. Ignorance is bliss, your dreams at your fingertips, no roadblocks, no hurt, only love and caring all around you, a smile comes to his face as he soaks in the thoughts of childhood but that quickly changes when his mind goes to his next memory, four years old, and his parents are fighting violently, he hides in his room till it is over, when it is finally silent he comes out of his room to find broken glass all over the house, broken everything, lamps, pictures, dishes, it seemed anything that could be broken was smashed into a thousand pieces, mother or father nowhere to be found, unsure and scared, he runs back into his bedroom and hides under the bed till he falls asleep

page 4

He knew he had to leave, get out of their, did that really just happen, he thought, did he really just viciously beat two people to death, he looked down at his bloody hands, a gun in one of them, and then leaned back in his stool and glanced down the bar on the floor, two bodies lying their and blood soaking into the carpet, and he realized this wasn't a dream. His mind began to race even more, he looked at the gun in his hand and thought, should I kill everyone, is there cameras in this place, and thought about a life in prison, he was never happy living a life of freedom, there was no way he could live in prison. he stands up and puts the money in his pocket, looks around at everyone, and starts to walk for the door, as he aproaches the man and woman on the floor, he realizes there is no going back, no fixing this fuckup, it was done, set in stone. He unlocks the door and walks to his truck, gets in, starts it and leaves, unsure of what to do or where to go, but he is sure of one thing, this is the beginning of the end of his life.